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Imryl
Guest
Tell your wife. I would want to know so I could make my own decisions. Not have them made for me.
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StCsDavid
Guest
Your wife already knows. Oh, she may not know the details, but one cannot divide oneself between two lovers and not have an impact. I know you said you didn’t go all the way with this woman, but perhaps you should take a gander at Matthew 5:27-28. You have cheated on your wife just as if you had slept with this other woman. Be a man and step up to your obligations of your marriage. Lost your best friend? Puh-lease! Look how easily this other woman hurt you when you tried to break it off. A best friend would have respected your wishes. This is not a woman of character even if she was available to you. Direct 110% of your interests and energy to your wife, and exercise this other woman from your life. No good will come from her. You know that.
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kell0618
Guest
Please do not try to reason this out to yourself. You committed a grave sin and by doing so, have placed your wife into the fire. As you became one flesh at your marriage, what you do affects one another spiritually. If this woman was really a good of friend, the relationship would not have been one that would have taken you away from God. You are very far away from God right now, no matter how often you go to confession. Snap out of it, sir.
Remember, relationships that are a gift from God lead you TOWARD Him and not AWAY FROM Him.
Have no contact with this woman. Not one note. Apology. Wish. Phone call. Voicemail. E-mail. Look. Glance. Sniff. You have damaged your marriage enough already, though your wife does not yet know the full extent. Your sins cannot be forgiven by God until you are truly contrite, which your OP does not show. Work on the gift that God gave you; your marriage with your wife. Shame on you.
Remember, relationships that are a gift from God lead you TOWARD Him and not AWAY FROM Him.
Have no contact with this woman. Not one note. Apology. Wish. Phone call. Voicemail. E-mail. Look. Glance. Sniff. You have damaged your marriage enough already, though your wife does not yet know the full extent. Your sins cannot be forgiven by God until you are truly contrite, which your OP does not show. Work on the gift that God gave you; your marriage with your wife. Shame on you.
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Greg27
Guest
You need to examine your own conscience and heart and ask yourself why you are still allured to this situation even after a year. What is it you find so attractive about an extra-marital affair? Why are you attracted to this woman, and why sexually? What is it in your own marriage which is making you move in this wrong direction? Why are you not able to make a definite stand?
You still seem to have some feelings for this woman, and while what she is doing is clearly gravely wrong, you also need to acknowledge you are also doing something gravely wrong and allowing yourself to be strongly tempted. Our heart is where our desires arise, and in your own heart is where you need to look and understand this, rather than just looking at the co-offending party. In any affair there are always two consenting people, and you are one of them. Ask yourself why you still consent, and try to understand why.
Another useful exercise to consider stamping out this sin is to think of what you would feel if you discovered your wife was having an affair with a man in the same way you have been having one yourself. You would feel heartbroken, your trust betrayed and ruined, your relationship poisoned, and a deep coldness seeping into the depths of your soul. This is what grave sin is, and does; it burns into the heart like cold acid and slowly poisons the soul and the life of God in us. It makes the world cold, bleak and desolate, and fills your heart with acheing agony and grief, even if you are only the one sinned against. So much does the pain burn more inside you if you yourself are faithful.
Now think of all this sorrow and misery in your wife’s heart being mirrored to you face to face, for all eternity. Imagine seeing how her deepest inner trust and being, which she has so generously opened and given to you in the sacrament of marriage, has been profaned, violated, dirtied and trampled on in contempt. Imagine the foul defilement of her heart and your own, of how its stench seems to fill everything in existence. Think of the tears of rage and bitterness and the terrible emptiness which races up and seems to fill her broken heart like the vacuum of outer space flooding into a tiny room. Imagine all this being placed before the eye of your soul for endless eternity; this is hell, and this is what God unveils to your heart as you face him; you have judged yourself to be here by your deeds, and this is precisely what God shows us; the mirror of our own heart and what it contains, to us at the time of judgement. Nothing, no deed or act, stands hidden before God’s awesome prescence.
While God is perfect love and mercy, we must come back to him, trusting in his mercy. While we are still in our sins were are, as St Paul says, ‘storing up wrath and anger for us when the day of judgement comes and God will manifest his righteousness to all.’ Keep in mind we are to use our members for ‘good works’ in purity, and not for defilement, especially with the disgraceful act of adultery against a faithful spouse, for which there will surely be an accounting on the day of judgement.
Yet, you should not despair at your salvation, as God still loves you and loves you greatly, as the story of the prodigal son shows in Luke’s gospel, but you must turn from this grave sin immediately and return to God’s mercy and forgiveness, and not put a beautiful gift which God has given you like a pure jewell, marriage, in such danger as you have been doing with your actions.
You still seem to have some feelings for this woman, and while what she is doing is clearly gravely wrong, you also need to acknowledge you are also doing something gravely wrong and allowing yourself to be strongly tempted. Our heart is where our desires arise, and in your own heart is where you need to look and understand this, rather than just looking at the co-offending party. In any affair there are always two consenting people, and you are one of them. Ask yourself why you still consent, and try to understand why.
Another useful exercise to consider stamping out this sin is to think of what you would feel if you discovered your wife was having an affair with a man in the same way you have been having one yourself. You would feel heartbroken, your trust betrayed and ruined, your relationship poisoned, and a deep coldness seeping into the depths of your soul. This is what grave sin is, and does; it burns into the heart like cold acid and slowly poisons the soul and the life of God in us. It makes the world cold, bleak and desolate, and fills your heart with acheing agony and grief, even if you are only the one sinned against. So much does the pain burn more inside you if you yourself are faithful.
Now think of all this sorrow and misery in your wife’s heart being mirrored to you face to face, for all eternity. Imagine seeing how her deepest inner trust and being, which she has so generously opened and given to you in the sacrament of marriage, has been profaned, violated, dirtied and trampled on in contempt. Imagine the foul defilement of her heart and your own, of how its stench seems to fill everything in existence. Think of the tears of rage and bitterness and the terrible emptiness which races up and seems to fill her broken heart like the vacuum of outer space flooding into a tiny room. Imagine all this being placed before the eye of your soul for endless eternity; this is hell, and this is what God unveils to your heart as you face him; you have judged yourself to be here by your deeds, and this is precisely what God shows us; the mirror of our own heart and what it contains, to us at the time of judgement. Nothing, no deed or act, stands hidden before God’s awesome prescence.
While God is perfect love and mercy, we must come back to him, trusting in his mercy. While we are still in our sins were are, as St Paul says, ‘storing up wrath and anger for us when the day of judgement comes and God will manifest his righteousness to all.’ Keep in mind we are to use our members for ‘good works’ in purity, and not for defilement, especially with the disgraceful act of adultery against a faithful spouse, for which there will surely be an accounting on the day of judgement.
Yet, you should not despair at your salvation, as God still loves you and loves you greatly, as the story of the prodigal son shows in Luke’s gospel, but you must turn from this grave sin immediately and return to God’s mercy and forgiveness, and not put a beautiful gift which God has given you like a pure jewell, marriage, in such danger as you have been doing with your actions.
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SirKnightDavid
Guest
A very heart-felt thanks to all of you who responded! I have lots of work to do! You all have been so generous in giving insight, and I appreciate all of you, as it is clear that God is working here. I am contemplating all of the advice you all have given, and praying hard for discernment as to what more needs to be done. Please keep me and my wife (and the “other woman”) in your prayers as we ALL need them, and I will keep all of you and your intentions in mine. I have resolved RIGHT NOW to end all thoughts, fantasies, and contact with this woman, and to do the work and pennance needed to return to our Savior. May God bless each and every one of you! Thanks again!
David
David
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MHalsey
Guest
Hi David,
It looks like you’ve gotten a fair amount of advice. Your situation struck me, because after reading through this entire thread, I noticed some similarities to a situation in my own life, which occurred years ago.
It seems quite a few were telling you NOT to tell your wife. Based on your admission of email exchanges, this could be a very, very bad idea. Think of the consequences if you don’t tell her, and this woman somehow shares these emails with her. It would be far worse for her to find out this way than from a confession on your part first. It won’t be easy, though. My situation was not nearly as dangerous to my marriage, but telling my wife, though painful, was better than her finding out some other way.
Also, some have also suggested you face up to this battle, ask the Lord for strength, and not shy away. I had a priest tell me in confession once that it is good to face challenges with the strength of the Lord, but there are some battles where it’s far better to just run. This may be one, but only you know what you can face.
Our prayers are with you.
It looks like you’ve gotten a fair amount of advice. Your situation struck me, because after reading through this entire thread, I noticed some similarities to a situation in my own life, which occurred years ago.
It seems quite a few were telling you NOT to tell your wife. Based on your admission of email exchanges, this could be a very, very bad idea. Think of the consequences if you don’t tell her, and this woman somehow shares these emails with her. It would be far worse for her to find out this way than from a confession on your part first. It won’t be easy, though. My situation was not nearly as dangerous to my marriage, but telling my wife, though painful, was better than her finding out some other way.
Also, some have also suggested you face up to this battle, ask the Lord for strength, and not shy away. I had a priest tell me in confession once that it is good to face challenges with the strength of the Lord, but there are some battles where it’s far better to just run. This may be one, but only you know what you can face.
Our prayers are with you.
M
mary_s_kid
Guest
You should read the marriagebuilders.com site. You’ve had an emotional affair with this woman and I don’t agree with not telling your wife. She deserves to know who she is married to and then let the chips fall where they may. Your actions and inactions got you into this mess. There are big things wrong in your marriage and you need to get to marriage counseling asap. If it’s not this woman then it’ll be another somewhere down the line if you don’t figure out what is wrong.
And just in case you were thinking about praying for this other woman, forget it. Yes, she is a child of God but there are other people who can pray for her. If you pray for her it just gives you the excuse to think and fantasize more about her. Pray for your wife and family only. Be faithful to your wife in that.
And just in case you were thinking about praying for this other woman, forget it. Yes, she is a child of God but there are other people who can pray for her. If you pray for her it just gives you the excuse to think and fantasize more about her. Pray for your wife and family only. Be faithful to your wife in that.
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AP4Him
Guest
- Only tell if you think that it is the only way to stop this. If you can stop and move on, then there is no need to hurt her.
- BE HONEST. This is essential to stopping this!
First, admit that it was adultery. Quit focusing on what you did not do and think about what you did do. This was adultery. Just as punishable in our God’s eyes as a sexual adulterous relationship. You cheated. You were an adulterer. Admit it. Confess it.
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Robaynne
Guest
If you tell your wife it is going to hurt her and if you don’t tell her it is still going to hurt her. That enough should say alot to you. The good thing is that you never went any further than was supposed to but you should not have put yourself and family in that situation in the first place.
How would you feel if it was your wife cheating on you behind your back and opening secret email accounts and doing what you were doing with another women. I think it would have torn you apart. But that is something that you need to deal with.
What does it say about that other women if she was cheating on her own husband with you and now she has already replaced you with somebody what does that say to you.
Everything happens for a reason, there is a reason why you never went further than the way you did, there is a reason why the relationship ended. What kind of a life would you have had with this women if you decide to leave your wife and give this relationship whatever chance she would have moved on to the next person. The excitement was that you are both in a relationship and at the end of the day it was a big secret.
You obviously feel very bad about what happen. But look at the bigger picture here there would have been alot of people who would have gotten hurt, it would have ruined your marriage, the guilt would be too much for you to handle etc.
Sometimes things don’t turn out the way they should. You should be happy and greatful that nothing really happened. Don’t think that you have lost something with this women you would have lost so much. You and your wife must have been together for a long time and you must have kids think about them. Think if the shoe was on the other foot.
Thank God for the goodness that you have in your life, that he showed you that this was the wrong path to follow.
Read some of the threads here about how relationships have been broken up by husbands cheating on their wives. It is not a pretty picture because alot of people get hurt. And it is very hard to earn trust, respect and honesty again. But most of all what is does to the women it leads to so much pain and suffering and for what a fling or a crush. The fact that, that women moved on to another should speak a thousand words to you. That alone should be a blessing.
How would you feel if it was your wife cheating on you behind your back and opening secret email accounts and doing what you were doing with another women. I think it would have torn you apart. But that is something that you need to deal with.
What does it say about that other women if she was cheating on her own husband with you and now she has already replaced you with somebody what does that say to you.
Everything happens for a reason, there is a reason why you never went further than the way you did, there is a reason why the relationship ended. What kind of a life would you have had with this women if you decide to leave your wife and give this relationship whatever chance she would have moved on to the next person. The excitement was that you are both in a relationship and at the end of the day it was a big secret.
You obviously feel very bad about what happen. But look at the bigger picture here there would have been alot of people who would have gotten hurt, it would have ruined your marriage, the guilt would be too much for you to handle etc.
Sometimes things don’t turn out the way they should. You should be happy and greatful that nothing really happened. Don’t think that you have lost something with this women you would have lost so much. You and your wife must have been together for a long time and you must have kids think about them. Think if the shoe was on the other foot.
Thank God for the goodness that you have in your life, that he showed you that this was the wrong path to follow.
Read some of the threads here about how relationships have been broken up by husbands cheating on their wives. It is not a pretty picture because alot of people get hurt. And it is very hard to earn trust, respect and honesty again. But most of all what is does to the women it leads to so much pain and suffering and for what a fling or a crush. The fact that, that women moved on to another should speak a thousand words to you. That alone should be a blessing.
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iamrefreshed
Guest
First off…You HAVE already cheated on your wife. Emotional affairs are JUST as devestating as physical. Especially from a betrayed wife’s point of view.
Secondly…Stop making excuses. You are setting yourself up for disaster. This woman is NOT your “soulmate” or “other half”. Frankly, that’s a load of BS you made up to justify your actions. “Soulmates” don’t share PORN! See the devil here?
Third…You seem devout in your posting so you know better. Your wife was God given. Don’t reject a gift from God. Frankly, you should be ashamed for how you are treating your wife.
Fourth…End everything. If necessary, your job. Maybe even moving. I can’t recommed telling your wife or not. You would be a better judge of that. But you should treat her with the respect she deserves. So far you’ve treated her like ****.
Finally…Get you and your wife to Retrouvaille…NOW!!!
retrouvaille.org/
I’ve been where your wife may end up. Betrayal is a HORRIBLE feeling. Search my ID if you want to know more. I’ve been depressed for nearly a year. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD. I rarely have a waking moment without a tremendous pressure on my heart. And my wife didn’t want to do what she did. I couldn’t imagine how someone deals with a spouse that intentionally cheats.
WAKE UP!!
Secondly…Stop making excuses. You are setting yourself up for disaster. This woman is NOT your “soulmate” or “other half”. Frankly, that’s a load of BS you made up to justify your actions. “Soulmates” don’t share PORN! See the devil here?
Third…You seem devout in your posting so you know better. Your wife was God given. Don’t reject a gift from God. Frankly, you should be ashamed for how you are treating your wife.
Fourth…End everything. If necessary, your job. Maybe even moving. I can’t recommed telling your wife or not. You would be a better judge of that. But you should treat her with the respect she deserves. So far you’ve treated her like ****.
Finally…Get you and your wife to Retrouvaille…NOW!!!
retrouvaille.org/
I’ve been where your wife may end up. Betrayal is a HORRIBLE feeling. Search my ID if you want to know more. I’ve been depressed for nearly a year. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD. I rarely have a waking moment without a tremendous pressure on my heart. And my wife didn’t want to do what she did. I couldn’t imagine how someone deals with a spouse that intentionally cheats.
WAKE UP!!
D
duskyjewel
Guest
The thing that struck me about this story was how much effort the OP put into nurturing this temptation! We have all been tempted, but we have the choice (and obligation I might add) to recognize it, and then find a way to avoid it. Sitting around dwelling on the temptation, playing with it, encouraging it to live in our mind…that’s just asking for trouble. THAT was the first wrong step here.
Here’s what I mean…when OP realized he was tempted by this woman, the absolute LAST thing he should have done was to start hanging out with her, having lunch with her, discussing or e-mailing anything with her! He should have found ways to avoid her until the crush passed. Because, un-nurtured, that is what they do. He asked for this to become more than a passing temptation.
I agree that OP needs to reexamine his marriage, because it is obviously not as healthy as he claims. Men who are madly in love with and sexually consumed with and by their wives DO NOT engage in this type of behavior.
My husband notices attractive women…he’s not dead after all. Sometimes we even comment on them together. He’s told me stories of women flirting with him. (What can I say…he’s a hottie!) However, I know with absolute certainty that even if the most beautiful and sexually adventurous woman on the planet threw herself in his lap and guaranteed him no consequences and unlimited “playdates” he would still come home and have dinner with his family and take ME to bed that night. I know this because he is committed to both the concept of marriage and our actual marriage, and because he has been in situations where he had to be apart from his family and could have done whatever he wanted, but he valued me and the marriage and threw himself into his parish to keep himself away from the bad stuff around him. He refused to nurture temptation even when it was all around him. He was sent to Korea by the Air Force for an entire year on a remote tour where his family was not allowed. He literally could have done anything he wanted and I would never have found out about it. Yet he chose not to, and honored his vows even when he was 10,000 miles away for a whole year, and his leave got delayed and nearly cancelled by 9/11. That is how a man in love, a man committed to his marriage, behaves.
OP, you don’t have this kind of commitment to your wife, and you need to honestly examine why and see if you can fix it together.
Here’s what I mean…when OP realized he was tempted by this woman, the absolute LAST thing he should have done was to start hanging out with her, having lunch with her, discussing or e-mailing anything with her! He should have found ways to avoid her until the crush passed. Because, un-nurtured, that is what they do. He asked for this to become more than a passing temptation.
I agree that OP needs to reexamine his marriage, because it is obviously not as healthy as he claims. Men who are madly in love with and sexually consumed with and by their wives DO NOT engage in this type of behavior.
My husband notices attractive women…he’s not dead after all. Sometimes we even comment on them together. He’s told me stories of women flirting with him. (What can I say…he’s a hottie!) However, I know with absolute certainty that even if the most beautiful and sexually adventurous woman on the planet threw herself in his lap and guaranteed him no consequences and unlimited “playdates” he would still come home and have dinner with his family and take ME to bed that night. I know this because he is committed to both the concept of marriage and our actual marriage, and because he has been in situations where he had to be apart from his family and could have done whatever he wanted, but he valued me and the marriage and threw himself into his parish to keep himself away from the bad stuff around him. He refused to nurture temptation even when it was all around him. He was sent to Korea by the Air Force for an entire year on a remote tour where his family was not allowed. He literally could have done anything he wanted and I would never have found out about it. Yet he chose not to, and honored his vows even when he was 10,000 miles away for a whole year, and his leave got delayed and nearly cancelled by 9/11. That is how a man in love, a man committed to his marriage, behaves.
OP, you don’t have this kind of commitment to your wife, and you need to honestly examine why and see if you can fix it together.
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