Help - Married but have feelings for someone else

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AGirl

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I am really struggling with this issue right now. I have been married for five years and have two children. My husband and I have had our struggles but I have never been tempted by another or even thought that was possible. However, recently I reconnected with a man who is a family friend and a friendship developed. We don’t see eachother often because of distance but do communicate via email.

From the moment I saw him again I felt a strong connection with him, not lustful, but like I was falling in love with him. I can’t really explain it but it is completely overwhelming. I think about him all the time and am miserable because I know that we can never be together.

Our communication has always been completely innocent, I don’t even know if he feels the same way. I don’t want to lose his friendship and do have to maintain some sort of relationship because he is a family friend; however, I want to find some way of getting rid of these feelings that go beyond friendship and are improper for a married woman. I have prayed about it but I still can’t seem to let go. Please help!
 
Flee temptation, as St Paul says. It’s that simple. God and the state of your soul are far more important than any friendship, however dear the friend.

If you’ve tried and ‘can’t’ get rid of your feelings, then you are putting yourself in a ‘near occasion of sin’ by continuing the friendship. You owe it to yourself and God to cease doing so.
 
My wisdom of the years suggests that you avoid seeing this man at all costs. Even if you must stop attending family get togethers and what have you. Surely this man is not at every family social. Your marriage is a precious gift and you must safeguard it with every fiber of your being. He is your first priority, even above your own family. God be with you dear!
 
The only way is to cut off everything cold turkey. You have no business contacting him in any way and he has no business contacting you either.

It should have never started and it has to end immediately. Only time will make it go away. You have a family and obligation to them. As Jesus says you break your marital vows at your own peril. I think you have already broken them as far as this goes.

You don’t have the right to fall in love with anyone else but your husband. Get away and get away as fast as you can. Don’t say goodbye, don’t linger. just shut it all down. Change your email address or whatever. Run away as if your soul depends on it because it does.

As far as forgetting, pray, fast or talk to a priest, do whatever you have to do. If you have to, avoid family functions. Stay away as much as possible. Move if you have to, isolate yourself if you have to. Don’t see this guy again, don’t speak to him, don’t email him. This man MUST disappear completely from your life and from your memory. Don’t fantasize about him, don’t think about him. He doesn’t exist. When you got married, you put everyone else behind you. You made a solemn vow to be faithful, now you have to stick to it.
 
Well, so what if you have feelings for him? Are you supposed to be entirely apathetic? So what if you love him, you’re supposed to love everyone, even your enemies (not that he’s one).

I say, determine what it is you like about him so much, as clearly there is something that attracts you to him. And then, thank God for those blessings.

Realize that friendship is as much a gift as anything alse, and as open to abuse as them too.

Prayed your Rosary lately? Keep it with you at all times, as a reminder, aquire, if you haven’t already, a Miraculous medal and a scapular.

And what exactly do you pray? For God to rid you of these feelings? How about you simply give your feelings, and all that you are, and all that you aren’t to God, and have faith in His goodness.

And it never fails to comfort me that the Great God of heaven and earth will never allow you to be tempted beyond your ability to resist. So think, the Maker of Heaven and Earth, the Creator of the Universe, has faith in you.
 
Sorry to hear of your situation, AGirl. But, God always hears our prayers, so just keep praying! 🙂

I would probably cut all contact with this man. It isn’t edifying your marriage. Everything we do…when we are married…should be for the betterment of the relationship. Fantasizing over what could be with another man outside of your husband, will not edify your marriage–at all. I would simply tell him that you think it’s best you stop communicating…and that’s it. Perhaps, you and your husband could go to counseling, or a retreat to see where you can improve.

Again, before every action we take, as married people, we have to stop and ask ourselves…is this edifying to my marriage? Is this going to draw my husband and me closer? Is this going to help me grow in holiness? Sin is sneaky. It really just creeps in…when we are feeling vulnerable.

Just keep praying, and stop communicating with the other guy. You’ll be happier that you did. God bless.
 
You have a choice to make. Be sure that it is one that is honorable. You know what you have to do or you would not be asking.
 
Praying is always a great idea.

That and CEASE ALL CONTACT with this man.

See your priest immediately.

Love is a CHOICE not some feeling.

DON’T hurt your husband!!!
 
“Don’t want to lose this friendship” ??? What ??? !!!

That’s an outrageous statement to make for a mariied woman !

You have absolutely positively NO business having any sort of friendship or relationship with another man !!!

The ONE and ONLY friendship or relationship you need to be concerned with, is with YOUR husband. Anything else is a sin, a very grievious sin, plain and simple.
 
wcknight said:
“Don’t want to lose this friendship” ??? What ??? !!!

That’s an outrageous statement to make for a mariied woman !

You have absolutely positively NO business having any sort of friendship or relationship with another man !!!

The ONE and ONLY friendship or relationship you need to be concerned with, is with YOUR husband. Anything else is a sin, a very grievious sin, plain and simple.
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Not so strict.

By your logic it would seem that someone who intends to remain unmarried for life (such as a priest or a nun) should have no friends at all of the opposite gender, since the only friendship we are to be permitted is to be with a marriage partner.

This goes contrary to scripture. We know that Jesus, for example, had close female friends (Martha and Mary and others) in spite of his celibacy.

John took Mary (a woman unrelated to himself, therefore a friend of sorts) to live in his home, fer crying out loud! Peter, a married man, was doubtless friends with Martha and Mary or other of Jesus’ female followers. Paul had female friends, who he mentions by name in his epistles.
 
wcknight said:
The ONE and ONLY friendship or relationship you need to be concerned with, is with YOUR husband. Anything else is a sin, a very grievious sin, plain and simple.
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:rotfl:

Oh my! I’m quite certain I must be reading this in a way that’s more extreme than you intended, but…

Well, I should certainly think that marrying off one’s children would be a great deal more difficult if it meant you would never see them again, as having any sort of relationship with a married person is “very grevious sin, plain and simple”.

To the OP. I realize you don’t want to loose his friendship, but you should be prepared to do things you don’t want to in defense of your family.
 
First off, feelings are not the ones that should guide your life.

And in relation to feelings vs. logic, St. Therese of Avila was well aware of the propensity of women to favor the first, so she always told her nuns to " act like men". Don’t take this as a machista thing. Old manuals of confession used to say that it is important to make sure that women don’t come in all emotional and not think clearly, and that it is neccesary to give formation to their mental structure.

Second, and most important, is that even married people must mantain their distances from their “friends”. And also see what exactly is a friend. Is a friend one who is an “ok” person? Sure he is not a pious person, makes jokes he shouldn’t and well he has always been nice to me.

NO! If a person is not friends with God than he cannot be friends with me.

That is for starters, because in Spanish they say that between a *santo *and a *santa, *there should only be space and walls.
Even among decent people should we have our guards up.

YOU HAVE THE OBLIGATION TO BREAK RELATIONS IN WHATEVER WAY IF YOU ARE HAVING PROBLEMS LIKE THESE!!!

What buisness do you have with a man who is not your husband?

Are you seeking to live in near occasion of mortal sin?

The Our Father asks to not fall in temption, not to get rid of it. Temptations will always exist, but creating conditions for it is a mortal sin in itself.

Forget the emails, the whatever.

Our Lord said Vigilate, et orate ut non intretis in tentationem.

If you pray but walk right into it, then you *will *fall,

But He did not exlude prayer. If you avoid tempation but it comes to you, you fall, because the Devil, World and the Flesh are stronger than your will. You need supernatural help.

God needs to intervene. And He helps those who ask of Him, but most of all through His Mother.

Pray the Rosary everyday. Everyday.

Receive Communion daily if possible (it probably is, just that most people don’t bother to put priorities in their life)

And frequent the Blessed Sacrament.

And then I guarantee you, temptations will come, but God will get you through.
 
LilyM said:
Not so strict.

By your logic it would seem that someone who intends to remain unmarried for life (such as a priest or a nun) should have no friends at all of the opposite gender, since the only friendship we are to be permitted is to be with a marriage partner.

This goes contrary to scripture. We know that Jesus, for example, had close female friends (Martha and Mary and others) in spite of his celibacy.

John took Mary (a woman unrelated to himself, therefore a friend of sorts) to live in his home, fer crying out loud! Peter, a married man, was doubtless friends with Martha and Mary or other of Jesus’ female followers. Paul had female friends, who he mentions by name in his epistles.
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Whoa whoa whoa!

My friend, the relation between these relationships is quite different from what we are talking about here.

Close female friends? Are you that naturalistic? It was God made Man who wanted to save man and woman, not have “friends”.

The Virgin Mary? You got to be really I don’t know what to say John was unmarried and unrelated to Mary.
It was a Mother and a son. I mean it was certainly the closest thing to speaking with God. She would tell stories of how He was, and he would ask questions to Her and She would probably explain things to him that he heard from Our Lord but did not understand.

St. Peter? It is, like all relations of a priest and another person, a paternal relation.

Ideas like having “friends” is why Our Lady in La Sallete about the clergy said…

We all know what She said.
 
Thank you for the responses, some were a little harsh IMHO.

This reason for my post is because I am STRUGGLING. I have thought that the best thing to do is cut contact with him, but I have as yet been unable to. It is awful feeling this way and the reason why I feel so horrible is because I do have a conscience and do try to live my life for Christ, but this unexpected relationship is really testing me.

Our conversations have been purely spiritual. We discuss the Bible, religion, etc. He is a VERY good person and has never acted in an improper way toward me, nor have I toward him. Although I have feelings for him I would NEVER act on them. I value him and the friendship because he is so open and honest about his love for Christ and that inspires me and draws me in. I don’t really have anyone else who I feel comfortable talking over these matters with and my husband is a non-believer which is a constant struggle for both of us.

I just feel really torn because it is a beneficial relationship in so many ways…
 
AGirl said:
I am really struggling with this issue right now. I have been married for five years and have two children. My husband and I have had our struggles but I have never been tempted by another or even thought that was possible. However, recently I reconnected with a man who is a family friend and a friendship developed. We don’t see eachother often because of distance but do communicate via email.

From the moment I saw him again I felt a strong connection with him, not lustful, but like I was falling in love with him. I can’t really explain it but it is completely overwhelming. I think about him all the time and am miserable because I know that we can never be together.

Our communication has always been completely innocent, I don’t even know if he feels the same way. I don’t want to lose his friendship and do have to maintain some sort of relationship because he is a family friend; however, I want to find some way of getting rid of these feelings that go beyond friendship and are improper for a married woman. I have prayed about it but I still can’t seem to let go. Please help!
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Hi AGirl -

What a coincidence!! I just received the following e-mail from your husband:

Catholic Forum Member -

I have been married for five years and have two children. My wife and I have had our problems but I have never been tempted by another woman nor even thought that would be possible. The problem is I recently connected with a woman who is a family friend and a friendship developed. We don’t see each other very often but do communicate via e-mail.

From the moment I saw this woman again I felt such a strong connection with her, not lust really, but I think I was falling in love with her. I guess I’m not explaining it well but it is completely overwhelming. I think about this woman all the time and am miserable knowing we can’t be together.

Our e-mails are always completely innocent. I’m not even sure she feels the same way. I don’t want to lose her friendship and do need to keep some type of relationship with her because of being a family friend and all. I need some way to rid myself of these feelings I have for this woman that go beyond friendship and are improper for a married man such as myself. I’ve been praying about it but still can’t let her go. Do you have any advice?

Signed Confused Husband

Now, if you had found this e-mail on your computer, how would you feel? Would you tell him it was fine for him to keep e-mail contact with this woman? Do you think your marriage would still be fine knowing how he felt about her? Would you be able to go on as if nothing wrong was happening?

You know what the answer would be. You have to stop these e-mails NOW. It doesn’t matter one twit that he is a family friend. What is more important to you? Your husband and two beautiful children, or some cyber pen pal you are “falling in love with?” Would you enjoy knowing your husband was spending time every day e-mailing some chick he was falling in love with?

Sorry for all the sarcasm here, but you are playing with fire and your CHILDREN will be the ones who will end up burned. This can lead to nothing but trouble. Tell the man you will no longer be e-mailing him and then BLOCK his e-mails. Tell him you AND YOUR HUSBAND will chat with him at the next family get together. Every time you e-mail this man you are making another heart connection with him and another heart DISCONNECTION with your husband. Use the time and energy you would use e-mailing this man and do something nice for your husband. Make his favorite meal. Give him a special compliment. Ask about his day and really listen. Tell him what a wonderful father he is. Whatever it is put your thoughts and energy into HIM.

If you still become tempted to e-mail this man, place a Bible, your rosary, and a picture of your children next to your keyboard. Tell yourself the following:

I want to e-mail this man and GOD DOESN’T MATTER
I want to e-mail this man and JESUS’ DEATH ON THE CROSS DOESN’T MATTER
I want to e-mail this man and MY CHILDREN DO NOT MATTER

I Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man, and God is faithful who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide THE WAY OF ESCAPE also, that you may be able to endure it.”

Your way of escape is to STOP E-MAILING OR RECEIVING E-MAILS FROM THIS MAN and ONLY speak to him if you are WITH YOUR HUSBAND at the family functions.
 
OK, I am looking at this completely different than everyone else.

What I want to know is what are you seeing in this other man that you don’t see in your husband? It could be a real trait or a perceived trait this man has but it’s something. And whatever it is, is it something your husband might have but you’ve never noticed before?
 
Hey girl,

Welcome to CAF! :tiphat: You’ve really jumped in with a hot topic.

Despite however innocent you and he may be, the plain fact that this association is stirring up such emotions within you is a definite red flag.

Don’t forget to consider what problems this can easily lead to. Your indulgences can become heartbreak and emotional disaster for your husband and children, which will ultimately plague you as well.

I just watched “Wuthering Heights” on PBS these last couple of weeks. That girl just couldn’t let go of someone else to the detriment of herself and those around her. I suggest watching it–it’s a good film.
 
AGirl said:
Thank you for the responses, some were a little harsh IMHO.

This reason for my post is because I am STRUGGLING. I have thought that the best thing to do is cut contact with him, but I have as yet been unable to. It is awful feeling this way and the reason why I feel so horrible is because I do have a conscience and do try to live my life for Christ, but this unexpected relationship is really testing me.

Our conversations have been purely spiritual. We discuss the Bible, religion, etc. He is a VERY good person and has never acted in an improper way toward me, nor have I toward him. Although I have feelings for him I would NEVER act on them. I value him and the friendship because he is so open and honest about his love for Christ and that inspires me and draws me in. I don’t really have anyone else who I feel comfortable talking over these matters with and my husband is a non-believer which is a constant struggle for both of us.

I just feel really torn because it is a beneficial relationship in so many ways…
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Feelings, even if you don’t act on them, can tear a marriage apart just as readily as a physical affair.
The important ‘things’ in life have to be fought for, and it’s not easy or painless. Your marriage to your husband, your relationship with your children and family, and your mortal soul are at risk here. I agree with all of the other posters who suggest breaking off all contact with this man. It won’t be easy, it won’t be fun…but it needs to be done.

Also, please know that there are many people reading this thread and praying for you.
 
noclevername said:
OK, I am looking at this completely different than everyone else.

What I want to know is what are you seeing in this other man that you don’t see in your husband? It could be a real trait or a perceived trait this man has but it’s something. And whatever it is, is it something your husband might have but you’ve never noticed before?
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It is that he is very similar to me, he is very easy to talk to, very thoughtful about things, loves to read and is totally commited to Christ. My husband is none of these. I realized our marriage was a mistake very soon after getting married but I have stayed because I don’t believe in divorce and I love our children. I am trying to do the right thing.
 
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