Help - Married but have feelings for someone else

[newf]

Having feelings for someone is normal, even when married to someone else. I don’t think you should feel bad because you have these feelings. It’s good to identify them, and you’ve done that well.

Now, what do you do about the feelings?

Obviously, you need to move away from the situation that ignites you. It’s not good for you or your husband. You need to protect your family, even when things aren’t going so well.

And saying “I have feelings for him but would NEVER act on them” is the first thing everyone says before they fall into an affair. No one ever just wakes up one day and decides to cheat. It happens little by little.

If you really care for this other man, don’t allow him to be involved with a married woman. That is not good for him. Let him go. This is what love is all about, dying to yourself and putting the good of the other person before you.

 

[LilyM]

Whoa whoa whoa!

My friend, the relation between these relationships is quite different from what we are talking about here.

Close female friends? Are you that naturalistic? It was God made Man who wanted to save man and woman, not have “friends”.

Really? No friends at all? He was like us in all things but sin - having close friendships, even with persons of the opposite gender, is not sinful in and of itself, ergo He was like us in that respect as well.

Lazarus, Martha and Mary are definitely shown by John, as is the Beloved Disciple, to be special to Him, so it is untrue to say He did not have friends. ‘Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus’ (John 11:5). Witness Jesus’ weeping at the death of Lazarus.

The Virgin Mary? You got to be really I don’t know what to say **John was unmarried and unrelated to Mary. **

That’s the whole point. There was no formal relationship between them - it’s not like Mary formally adopted John as her son or anything. They were two unmarried people of opposite genders, related to each other neither biologically nor legally. That in itself would, by wcknight’s logic, suggest that they probably should not live together or form any sort of ‘friendship’.

Ideas like having “friends” is why Our Lady in La Sallete about the clergy said…

We all know what She said.

The only thing she said that was even half relevant is “‘The priests, ministers of my Son, the priests, by their bad life, by their irreverences and their impiety in celebrating the holy mysteries, by love of money, love of honor and of pleasures, the priests have become cesspools of impurity.”

How any of that relates to priests having platonic and innocent friendships is beyond me.

 

[Pro_Domina]

Thank you for the responses, some were a little harsh IMHO.

This reason for my post is because I am STRUGGLING. I have thought that the best thing to do is cut contact with him, but I have as yet been unable to. It is awful feeling this way and the reason why I feel so horrible is because I do have a conscience and do try to live my life for Christ, but this unexpected relationship is really testing me.

Our conversations have been purely spiritual. We discuss the Bible, religion, etc. He is a VERY good person and has never acted in an improper way toward me, nor have I toward him. Although I have feelings for him I would NEVER act on them. I value him and the friendship because he is so open and honest about his love for Christ and that inspires me and draws me in. I don’t really have anyone else who I feel comfortable talking over these matters with and my husband is a non-believer which is a constant struggle for both of us.

I just feel really torn because it is a beneficial relationship in so many ways…

Oh. Never say never. The worst temptations are ones that you fall into without realizing the whole game to bring you into it.

“Holy” friends are the easiest to fall with. Naturally, you won’t put resistence, as you find that there is nothing wrong.

Remember, if the Devil explained the Summa to you ( and he sure can, as he is still an angel and angels are extremely superior to humans) , you still had a conversation with the Devil.

Isn’t a temptation the same thing? Are you willing to risk offending God? You say you aren’t “able” to cut.

Perhaps you don’t want to. Perhaps, you already sinned, because you continue to put yourself in occasion for sin.

Think well.

Your description is typical. Typical typical.
They all say the other guy is a saint. They all say it is all innocent.

They all end up ruining their lives and making enemies with God.

 

[monicatholic]

(he) is totally commited to Christ. My husband is none of these.

our vocation, as spouses is to help each other obtain eternal happiness-- we are to help our spouses get to heaven.

if your husband is ‘none of these’ then you have a greater lonliness than some wives, and a bigger job to do than other women may. if he’s a decent provider, kind to your children, unaddicted and not abusive, then you have an easier life than many other women.

so you tell God, ‘i’m lonely because i can’t talk to my husband about you. please help.’ and you pray for him. and you pray*** with ***him-- even if he’s just sitting in the room nearby you. and you pray for him some more. and you tell God some more about your lonliness.

when you chose a husband you forgot that God-in-the-marriage was going to be important. God already knew that AG. He’s always been waiting to help you through this time. but you gotta obey Him. thinking about another man all the time violates commaandments 6 and 9. you gott obey.

we’ve read far toooo many disaster stories on CAF that began with two people finding a Bible pal in someone other than their spouse.

sure, you’ll struggle. but still close the book on this one-- for good. for ever. for real.

find a religious sister or an older wonderful woman at church with whom to talk about God’s love. someone who will understand your lonliness. someone who will pray with you and for you and for your husband. someone who recognizes the powder keg you’re lighting matches around and someone who will remind you how accountable you are to God, should you begin to falter.

 

[KathyA]

I just feel really torn because it is a beneficial relationship in so many ways…

AGirl,
Please, please don’t take this as being too harsh…but you are justifying your actions/thoughts with this statement. I was in a similar situation, only the guy was hanging on to faith by the slimmest thread. I kept telling myself, “What if I’m the only one who shares Christ with him?” Satan works overtime getting us to buy these kinds of lies. The relationship, while ‘innocent’, was consuming my very being, much the way you say that you think about this man constantly. You’ve got to make a break. If you must, write and say “I appreciate your friendship, but it’s not appropriate for us to keep in close contact this way. I’m sure you understand. Good-bye.”
As for the other guy being everything your husband is not, be sure that you check your attitude toward your husband. When we have our rose colored glasses on, its really easy to start piling up all of the negative traits to make our case seem justified. I used to tell myself…“My husband isn’t very affectionate. He doesn’t want to do any of the things I enjoy doing. He would rather watch TV than talk to me. etc…” It took a while, but I started making myself come up with at least one GOOD thing about my husband every day. Some days it seemed like I really had to pay attention to find even ONE good thing…but before long, my eyes were opened and our marriage was healed in ways I never expected.
When I finally woke up and realized how close I had come to losing my family, I was totally shaken. And all because of a few compliments and warm feelings…
You can pesevere through this. Praying for you!

Kathy

 

[Pro_Domina]

I was just going to respond to the person that insists that "friends"are all fine and dandy, alluding to Our Lord, and the response was charged with arguements of the saints and I know that he would not have a response, and then my computer when crazy. Never happens. I am no visionary or seeker of signs, but they still happen. I am sure this was not a typical microsoft momment.

 

[udoc89]

Listen to MonicaCatholic, please. You probably know the answer deep down, anyway. What you are contemplating, no matter how innocent you believe it to be, is a betrayal of your vows. I’m sorry you are lonely in your marriage, but you will make it a thousand times more lonely by pursuing a friendship with another man. Please do not delude yourself that what you want is mere friendship with him. There are plenty of wives who struggle with the same issues as you and would love to have someone to talk to–find a girlfriend.

Praying for you and your marriage…

 

[LilyM]

I was just going to respond to the person that insists that "friends"are all fine and dandy, alluding to Our Lord, and the response was charged with arguements of the saints and I know that he would not have a response, and then my computer when crazy. Never happens. I am no visionary or seeker of signs, but they still happen. I am sure this was not a typical microsoft momment.

Hmm, for those who do believe in signs it might look like someone up there trying to tell you that I’m not completely wrong maybe?

Perhaps I should pay more attention when my own computer gives me trouble.

 

[OLHope]

Thank you for the responses, some were a little harsh IMHO.

This reason for my post is because I am STRUGGLING. I have thought that the best thing to do is cut contact with him, but I have as yet been unable to. It is awful feeling this way and the reason why I feel so horrible is because I do have a conscience and do try to live my life for Christ, but this unexpected relationship is really testing me.

Our conversations have been purely spiritual. We discuss the Bible, religion, etc. He is a VERY good person and has never acted in an improper way toward me, nor have I toward him. Although I have feelings for him I would NEVER act on them. I value him and the friendship because he is so open and honest about his love for Christ and that inspires me and draws me in. I don’t really have anyone else who I feel comfortable talking over these matters with and my husband is a non-believer which is a constant struggle for both of us.

I just feel really torn because it is a beneficial relationship in so many ways…

Hi AGirl,

Let’s go on the assumption that he, too, is married, with a family of his own, and you are actually single. Your feelings being the same, can become more compulsive and lead you to be a home-wrecker(as this situation would lead you to not hurt so many people that you love, but hurt everyone that he loves). This would not be too different for you being married as well, however you run the risk of hurting and destroying the people you love.

People are correct in this thread, you must stop the communication even if you are not initiating so much, if he is initiating as much or more than you, you can definitely understand he has some kind of interest in keeping this going as well as you. Unfortunately, it is the wrong kind of interest. I cannot see any good coming from this. Maybe a Christmas card every year? See them at family/friend functions with the rest of your families? That’s it, that is as pleasant as you can be about this without being cold to him when you cut him off.

Cut off the e-mail. Technology has made it so easy to hide these things from a relationship. Let me give you an anecdote:
A couple(Let’s call them Jen and Josh) went through a seperation. Josh needed time to “find himself,” and after that weekend of “finding himself,” he told Jen she was a failure and he wanted a divorce. I told her she neednt be a failure, because I found Josh “finding himself” that one weekend on myspace(an internet social networking site), full with pictures of another woman, her child, and the friends who encouraged and allowed him to do this. Jen had said she had already found pictures of explicit material involving Josh and another woman on his phone.

So they got a divorce, Jen, lo and behold gets a “mistake” call from an ex boyfriend(happens to be the ex she could never fathom forgetting), who happens to be going through a separation as well. She reconnects with him for a short time, after some time, he wants to work things out with his wife. Jen having not lost her beauty since childhood was able to multi date a few other men during her short divorce. Jen and Josh had a straight Catholic Wedding, Josh came from a broken home. Josh is also unstable and erratic. Jen is a perfectionist and apathetic to Josh. Interestingly so enough, guess what? Josh and Jen are dating each other again. A case of I’m only comfortable with you and I do not like any new people I meet, and I am just going to deal with your idiotic behaviors. HA! No kids yet, but who knows?

It is my understanding that sites like myspace and facebook, cell phone texting, computer IMing, and emailing are becoming this more ample possibility to find more trouble than comfort.
Be grateful your marriage has not delved into 2% of this. Please keep it that way, it only serves to harbor more regret in the rest of your lifetime, than the possibility of a few minutes of passion and a lifetime of regret. Save yourself the strife from all of this and keep focused on your own responsibilities instead. What a previous poster here said that even if you have the feelings of someone else, it is just as bad, however not as harmful as acting upon them. The posters who stated there are no reasons to have a friendship with this person, another man, and especially a man you have strong feelings for are correct, there in NO reason, so with that, how is it beneficial in anyway as how you stated in your last line?

Just Curious,
-Hope

 

[Ame]

A Girl,

I have been in your shoes before and the best thing to do is stop the emails, conversations, etc. You must view your marriage as your vocation and remain true to your vows. You need to look as this friend as a man who feels comfortable having deep conversations with another man’s wife - NOT GOOD. Even if you could have this man, what would you really have? If he was such a “Christ-centered” person he would not be approaching a married woman for these conversations. Can you tell I’m old-fashioned? When you are married, deep, “connection”- type conversations should be reserved for your husband only.

I have a childhood sweetheart out there that I think about and pray for every single day of my life, but I know better than to seek his friendship.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

What good comes from talking to this man about God?

Look at it this way:

Any time you spend thinking about this man and not your husband is taking away from your husband’s rights.

When you find yourself eagerly logging on to your computer hoping there is a new message from this man and not from your husband, that is stealing from your husband the affection that is owed him.

Every minute you spend emailing this man (and eventually the stolen conversations on the phone from the bathroom or wherever they can’t hear you) instead of talking to your husband in the next room is stealing from your husband your time and affection.

The man knows you are married. He is using God to woo you. Satan also used Scripture to tempt Christ in the desert. It’s an old trick. Christ didn’t fall for it.

Think what would happen if this man were to convince you he was the better choice. Look at it from your husband’s point of view:

“my holier-than-thou wife looked down on me. She found a supposedly Christian man who she could talk about God with. Talk talk talk. Easy to talk the talk, but they didn’t walk the walk. If I was ever intrigued by her faith, watching the two of them use it as an excuse to destroy my marriage and my home and my children’s home makes me never want to be a part of that, and I don’t want my children involved in that hypocricy either.”

Is that the future you want for yourself? Will your children appreciate someday the idea that you broke their home up because some guy online talked about spiritual things with you? I suggest your last conversation with this great theologian would be about the “near occasion of sin” and then terminate the friendship. If he’s as great as you say he is, he’ll understand.

Anyone can appear perfect on the internet. No dirty socks to clean up. No bad moods after a long day at work. All pretend and roses and flowers and lofty ideas.

I’ve never met a man who got in the middle of a weak marriage whose intentions were honorable.

Your struggles are self-inflicted. The grass isn’t greener. I know loneliness in a marriage. I could write a book. The answer isn’t being less than a good person yourself. Take the time you’re wasting on this man and use it to build your friendship with the man who should be your best friend… your husband. You may lead him to God someday, but only if you are heading in that direction yourself. The bible says that many men have been brought to God by the example of a pious wife. So be that wife. Good luck. Change your email address if you have to.

 

[iamrefreshed]

Our conversations have been purely spiritual. We discuss the Bible, religion, etc. He is a VERY good person and has never acted in an improper way toward me, nor have I toward him. …

If he was a VERY good person he would not have a secret relationship with a married woman.

Let your husband get involved with your discussions…unless of course you would be ashamed!!!

 

[AGirl]

If he was a VERY good person he would not have a secret relationship with a married woman.

Let your husband get involved with your discussions…unless of course you would be ashamed!!!

My husband has the password to my email account and has read some of the emails.

 

[kage_ar]

As you know in your heart, it is best to distance yourself. There will be some pain in this, but, offer that up for the converstion of you husband.

Prayers.

 

[Neithan]

I agree with some above that you should consider it your life’s mission to help God save your husband’s soul. That would be a part of your marriage vow as a Catholic. Think of the awful scandal you would cause if you happened to stray too near an occasion of sin with this other guy (who I’m sure is a wonderful person, perhaps blissfully unaware of the emotional struggle he is causing you) and fell from grace. Your husband would be spiritually damaged and his chance of finding Christ might be destroyed by your sin.

Your friend is a Christian. Let’s assume he would understand and respect you all the more for protecting your marriage even at the expense of his friendship. For *his *sake as well, you ought to realize the spiritual danger your emotional attachment puts him in! Three souls are at stake here. Actually five, considering you could possibly scandalize your children as well.

 

[Joya]

What good comes from talking to this man about God?

Look at it this way:

Any time you spend thinking about this man and not your husband is taking away from your husband’s rights.

When you find yourself eagerly logging on to your computer hoping there is a new message from this man and not from your husband, that is stealing from your husband the affection that is owed him.

Every minute you spend emailing this man (and eventually the stolen conversations on the phone from the bathroom or wherever they can’t hear you) instead of talking to your husband in the next room is stealing from your husband your time and affection.

The man knows you are married. He is using God to woo you. Satan also used Scripture to tempt Christ in the desert. It’s an old trick. Christ didn’t fall for it.

Think what would happen if this man were to convince you he was the better choice. Look at it from your husband’s point of view:

“my holier-than-thou wife looked down on me. She found a supposedly Christian man who she could talk about God with. Talk talk talk. Easy to talk the talk, but they didn’t walk the walk. If I was ever intrigued by her faith, watching the two of them use it as an excuse to destroy my marriage and my home and my children’s home makes me never want to be a part of that, and I don’t want my children involved in that hypocricy either.”

Is that the future you want for yourself? Will your children appreciate someday the idea that you broke their home up because some guy online talked about spiritual things with you? I suggest your last conversation with this great theologian would be about the “near occasion of sin” and then terminate the friendship. If he’s as great as you say he is, he’ll understand.

Anyone can appear perfect on the internet. No dirty socks to clean up. No bad moods after a long day at work. All pretend and roses and flowers and lofty ideas.

I’ve never met a man who got in the middle of a weak marriage whose intentions were honorable.

Your struggles are self-inflicted. The grass isn’t greener. I know loneliness in a marriage. I could write a book. The answer isn’t being less than a good person yourself. Take the time you’re wasting on this man and use it to build your friendship with the man who should be your best friend… your husband. You may lead him to God someday, but only if you are heading in that direction yourself. The bible says that many men have been brought to God by the example of a pious wife. So be that wife. Good luck. Change your email address if you have to.

This is the best response to the OP’s thread.

 

[Joya]

My husband has the password to my email account and has read some of the emails.

And what does your husband think of what he has read? Does he feel threatened by this man?

 

[LilyM]

And what does your husband think of what he has read? Does he feel threatened by this man?

What on earth does that have to do with anything?

It matters not the slightest whether the husband feels threatened or recognises the other man as a threat or not - truth is the other man IS a threat to this marriage by the simple fact that the woman has romantic feelings for him.

 

[iamrefreshed]

My husband has the password to my email account and has read some of the emails.

So you’re going to show him this thread, right?

 

[dulcissima]

I think that you should take this to your priest and tell him everything. This other man is a distraction to the real issue, which is your marriage. You have admitted that there are deficits in your marriage. Please discuss those deficits with your priest and get some (name removed by moderator)ut on how to address those particular problems. Yes, tell him about your temptation, but do not ignore your marriage.