Help - Married but have feelings for someone else

[Serap]

I read a book recently, For Better Forever, A Catholic Guide to Marriage by Gregory Popcak and it states NEVER to seek initimate friendship with the opposite sex. That’s how affairs get started.

I do have male friends and I keep my feelings in check at all times. If my feelings are romantic, then I owe it to my husband to cut off that friendship.

Your husband trusts you and that’s why your emails with this man have not created any jealousy. He has no idea how you feel about this other man. That in itself is a lie to your husband. You are already hurting him spiritually.

My husband and I fight all the time about me believing in Jesus and my husband thinking I am a weak brainwashed idiot. I feel lonely in my faith sometimes, but my husband (without believing in it) is more of a Christian than some of the people I know who claim to be devout Catholics. He’s kind, sincere, a great father, loyal, compassionate…I could go on…

The point is is that a Catholic wife’s role in a nutshell is to show her family God’s love; to pray for her family’s well being; to show love even during times of loneliness and boredom.

Girl, step up to the plate and take your cross. We all have crosses in our marriages. Pick up your Rosary and pray…offer up your feelings to God…carry your cross. Life is tough and sometimes we don’t get what we want.

 

[whatevergirl]

My husband has the password to my email account and has read some of the emails.

But…he can’t read your mind. You now know you are falling in love with this man, and it needs to stop. You would not want your husband to be falling in love with another woman, so, show him the same courtesy. This is hard, and you will be very uncomfortable during your turning away from this man. That is a given, but doing what is right, sometimes doesn’t make us ‘feel good.’ Love your husband. Get back to placing him above thinking about this guy.

To continue will only lead you further away from your marriage. It might not be the content of your emails right now, but it’s the content of your heart that matters. God bless, and good luck to you.

 

[AGirl]

Thank you all, really! I appreciate the time everyone has taken to set me straight.

You are right, I did know what the right thing to do was but I was resisting it and excusing it. Although our communication is completely innocent, my feelings aren’t even if his are. I’m going to back off the emails and pray when I feel tempted. I will be making a confession this weekend!

However, although I will cut off contact with him I don’t think these feelings will disapear…am I still sinning?

 

[wcknight]

Whoa !!!

You folks are confusing wholesome relationships with friends and family members or innocent encounters with clergy and others.

This women is in none of those situations. She is engaging in borderline ILLICIT contact with a former love interest. I don’t care IF this guy is the second coming of St. Francsis, she has absolutely no business renewing this affair.

And this is no “nice guy” if he carries on with this sort of fooling around. This lady is playing with fire around gasoline. She is now comparing him to her husband, that is the first step to destroying a marriage that she vowed to keep.

It is her sworn duty to make her marriage work. IF she has probelms with her husband she has to deal with it. My wife is a borderline atheist, and I have absolutely no intention to trade her in for a devout Catholic. I made a choice 30+ years ago, and by God, I’m going to abide by it come Hell or high water,

This girl needs to be a lot more strict with herself. It’s her loosey goosy attitude that has gotten her close to destroying her marriage, She has no business daydreaming about some potential love interest. SHE IS A MARRIED WOMAN and she needs to start acting like one. IF Jesus were advising her, what do you think He would say ???

After every confession, you promise to “AVOID the NEAR OCCASION of sin”. You are doing the exact opposite, You are putting yourself into the very path of sin.

I don’t care how often you two go to mass or how much you two profess your faith, you are not abiding by your faith if you let this farce continue.

Just because you think your love interest is a saint or has similar interests does not make it right. Adultery is still adultery.

 

[Joya]

Thank you all, really! I appreciate the time everyone has taken to set me straight.

You are right, I did know what the right thing to do was but I was resisting it and excusing it. Although our communication is completely innocent, my feelings aren’t even if his are. I’m going to back off the emails and pray when I feel tempted. I will be making a confession this weekend!

However, although I will cut off contact with him I don’t think these feelings will disapear…am I still sinning?

Nice post, AGirl! You’ve made the right decision. Also, may I recommend a book called Every Woman’s Battle. It’s written by Christian (not Catholic) authors but offers valuable help and advice.

No, you will not be still sinning. There is a difference between temptation and action.

Thanks for having the courage to post your struggles here. I agree that some of the posts were harsh, but overall you got good advice.

 

[Beautiful]

Chalk this one up as experience you grew from. Next time maybe you’ll be a little more sensitive to your susceptibility and will handle the situation better. Every attractive person that comes our way wasn’t meant to be avoided. Try asking God to help you relate to the beauty you find in the people you meet everyday. I don’t think God intended us to live our lives behind a black curtain or hole away from others – even those we find attractive for whatever reason - for inner beauty or outer beauty.
Sexual maturation doesn’t end when we say “I do”. It is an ongoing process.

 

[Serap]

Thank you all, really! I appreciate the time everyone has taken to set me straight.

You are right, I did know what the right thing to do was but I was resisting it and excusing it. Although our communication is completely innocent, my feelings aren’t even if his are. I’m going to back off the emails and pray when I feel tempted. I will be making a confession this weekend!

However, although I will cut off contact with him I don’t think these feelings will disapear…am I still sinning?

Good for you!!! Sorry if us CAF Catholics were kicking your bum too hard

You are only human and to be human is to have feelings that you cannot always control - that’s not a sin. Acting on these feelings is a sin.

I really hope that you feel better soon! Good luck!

 

[wcknight]

Sorry, I didn’t see your last post before I submitted my last tirade, and I got called away before I could reply properly.

You’ve made the right decision, probably the only tenable choice. No one can control random thinking so that is not a sin. BUT do not dwell or fantasize about him or anyone else, that would be a sin.

It’s best if you have minimal or no contact with any former interests. It’s also unfair to compare your husband to anyone else. No one can ever measure up to something or some one that they have no idea what you are looking for.

You may try to guide or steer him towards being a better person, but he will never match up to some fantasy perfect person. For you when you married him, he became your perfect match. That is who you married for better or worse. Things always look better on the other side of the fence.

You know your husbands faults. You may think someone else doesn’t have any, but that simply is not true. And even IF they are perfect, it’s irrelevant. You married your husband not someone else. You don’t have the option of shopping around anymore.

Focus on loving your husband and your family and in time those feeling will go away. They only stay IF you allow them to stay. It may take awhile but I guarantee, if you have no contact for years and years they do go away. They can come back but only IF you allow them to come back. Just remember your vow to forsake all others. There’s a good reason they made you promise that.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Thoughts can be compared to people.

A bad person knocking on your door of your brain isn’t a sin.

It becomes a sin when you invite them in, give them a seat, and pour them a drink and tell them to make themselves comfortable. Or if you give them the spare room.

Just slam the door in their face. No harm, no foul.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thoughts can be compared to people.

A bad person knocking on your door of your brain isn’t a sin.

It becomes a sin when you invite them in, give them a seat, and pour them a drink and tell them to make themselves comfortable. Or if you give them the spare room.

Just slam the door in their face. No harm, no foul.

that’s excellent imagery…i MUST remember this one, thanks Liberano!

 

[Lifeisamazing]

Kudos for seeking strength to do the right thing. Now…

My advice is this- cease all contact and communication immediately and use that time and attention and turn it towards your husband so your bond is strengthened . You have already committed adultery in your heart, don’t go the extra step! It is easy to fantasize about someone you really don’t know that well, isn’t it? You don’t know that he doesn’t rinse the sink after he shaves, has stinky feet, snores, chews like a cow, has hair in all the wrong places, etc, etc. You get the idea. Go ahead and picture him doing/having the above. That should help.

You are playing with fire, and you do not “have to” maintain a friendship with him. Says who? The outside world? The bible certainly doesn’t say that you “have to” maintain a relationship that is sinful. (Yep, sorry. There is no such thing as “innocent” conversations when your heart is turning for a man that is not your husband.)

Get with your priest in confession immediately- call to make an appointment if you have to.

 

[Lifeisamazing]

Oops, just saw your new post above.

Talk about your thoughts with your priest and seek ways that you can strengthen your marriage.

There are so many great resources out there that are backed by the church that can help you grow. If you don’t like to read, get the books on CD and listen in the car. Good luck!

 

[wcknight]

BTW, not to belabor a point, the communications was NOT completely innocent. Even though you may not have made any provocative statements, the mere fact that you showed interest in another man and then proceeded to contact him makes it not so innocent.

“Falling in love” or having strong feeling about someone and then continuing correspondence with another man is not innocent, no matter how clean your conversations may be. Let’s not kid ourselves.

 

[AGirl]

Last night I had the most awful dream. There had been a plane crash and I was at the airport trying to find out if my husband had been on the plane and the investigators were asking me questions to identify him and were getting him all wrong. I then got really angry with them and told them he was a good man, a great father, etc. When they confirmed that he was indeed on the plane I broke down and turned around to see a family getting the same news, I looked at the devastation on the daughter’s face and thought about how I would now have to break my own daughter’s heart.

I then woke up crying with many feelings of regret and bewilderment at how stupid I have been and am happy to say I have no more feelings for my “friend”, nor feel a need to communicate any longer.

Maybe it was just a random dream, maybe not…

 

[Serap]

Last night I had the most awful dream. There had been a plane crash and I was at the airport trying to find out if my husband had been on the plane and the investigators were asking me questions to identify him and were getting him all wrong. I then got really angry with them and told them he was a good man, a great father, etc. When they confirmed that he was indeed on the plane I broke down and turned around to see a family getting the same news, I looked at the devastation on the daughter’s face and thought about how I would now have to break my own daughter’s heart.

I then woke up crying with many feelings of regret and bewilderment at how stupid I have been and am happy to say I have no more feelings for my “friend”, nor feel a need to communicate any longer.

Maybe it was just a random dream, maybe not…

that’s beautiful! I actually almost drew a tear

Did you pray for help b/c sounds to me like a saint or Mary interceded for you

 

[Joya]

Last night I had the most awful dream. There had been a plane crash and I was at the airport trying to find out if my husband had been on the plane and the investigators were asking me questions to identify him and were getting him all wrong. I then got really angry with them and told them he was a good man, a great father, etc. When they confirmed that he was indeed on the plane I broke down and turned around to see a family getting the same news, I looked at the devastation on the daughter’s face and thought about how I would now have to break my own daughter’s heart.

I then woke up crying with many feelings of regret and bewilderment at how stupid I have been and am happy to say I have no more feelings for my “friend”, nor feel a need to communicate any longer.

Maybe it was just a random dream, maybe not…

Thanks for sharing. What you are experiencing is God’s grace through your contrition, repentence. This situation has renewed, strengthened your appreciation and love for your husband. God bless you!

 

[AGirl]

that’s beautiful! I actually almost drew a tear

Did you pray for help b/c sounds to me like a saint or Mary interceded for you

I have been praying a Novena for the last three days to help strengthen me to turn away from temptation. Glory to God!

 

[Serap]

I have been praying a Novena for the last three days to help strengthen me to turn away from temptation. Glory to God!

You’ll feel amazing after Confession this weekend. This might sound corny since I don’t know you face to face, but I’m really proud of you!

I just hope that when temptation hits me, I have your strength too!

 

[GraceDK]

Last night I had the most awful dream. There had been a plane crash and I was at the airport trying to find out if my husband had been on the plane and the investigators were asking me questions to identify him and were getting him all wrong. I then got really angry with them and told them he was a good man, a great father, etc. When they confirmed that he was indeed on the plane I broke down and turned around to see a family getting the same news, I looked at the devastation on the daughter’s face and thought about how I would now have to break my own daughter’s heart.

I then woke up crying with many feelings of regret and bewilderment at how stupid I have been and am happy to say I have no more feelings for my “friend”, nor feel a need to communicate any longer.

Maybe it was just a random dream, maybe not…

Agirl.
You are cool!
You did the right thing by coming here and seeking to do the right thing. The devil was trying to ensnare you because he sees that you are doing great things for the Kingdom of his opponent.

You could have fallen. You did not. All the honour and glory belongs to Jesus Christ who delivers you at ever moment from so many falls. he is truly our Redeemer.
Get totally rid of the everything associated with the guy you connected with. Say a prayer once in a while for him that he is blessed in his own lifewalk with a honest and pure family life.

It has been such a blessing reading this thread and sensing all along the Spirit within you struggling for righteousness while satan was trying to strangle you.

I have sinned in my life and know how it is to live on with the memory of these things you wish sooo much had never happend.
I am glad for your sake you dont have to experience the sheer Hell of that.

Big hug to you …
Grace