+JMJ+
Well I don’t know if thats even possible but I’m starting to feel desperate. I’m not in a good place dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts. I’ve been in treatment and etc but one thing I can’t seem to accomplish is to believe in anything. To believe that I can ever get better. My faith is small but I do believe in God and that he loves and etc. The problem is I can’t believe that he actually loves me. I don’t feel lovable or deserving of Gods love, or of anyone’s love. I don’t believe in myself or that I even have a future. I don’t believe I can ever trust anyone again and don’t want to let anyone in my life because I fear being hurt again. Basically I feel empty inside, like I’m already dead. I cant believe I will ever feel good or happiness again. The thing is how do I get myself to believe? To believe God loves me, to believe in myself or anyone else, to believe in anything. It feels like I am at a dead end. Other people can’t believe for me but is it possible that others can help me believe?
As ynotzap has said, you are in a good place. You believe in God and that God is love, right? Well, then, let us start from this statement:
“I am here…”
When you say that, is it true? I wonder if you are looking at this post strangely now. Of course it is true! Whenever you say that statement, that statement is always true, that you are where you are right now. You exist right now, where you are, and you know it.
Now, we go to this statement:
“…therefore, God loves me.”
Wait, are these two statements connected? How did the first statement lead to this second one?
You
do believe that there is a God, and that God is love, right? Think about the implications of your belief in God, HoldingGodsHand.
If there is a God, and God is love, then anything and everything He has done is out of love,
including creating you. Therefore,
the mere fact that you exist is the proof that God loves you.
God saw everything He has made, and, behold, it was very good.
Genesis 1:31
To think or feel that you do not need deserve love is missing the point.
Nobody deserves God’s love, but love does not care. If you have loved anybody, you would know what I mean.
But, you may protest,
what if after creating me God ceases to love me? Fortunately for us, this is impossible. The moment God stops loving us, we cease to exist:
CCC 301 With creation, God does not abandon his creatures to themselves. He not only gives them being and existence, but also, and at every moment, upholds and sustains them in being, enables them to act and brings them to their final end. Recognizing this utter dependence with respect to the Creator is a source of wisdom and freedom, of joy and confidence:
For you love all things that exist, and detest none of the things that you have made; for you would not have made anything if you had hated it. How would anything have endured, if you had not willed it? Or how would anything not called forth by you have been preserved? You spare all things, for they are yours, O Lord, you who love the living.
Whether you like it or not, whether you want it or not,** as long as you know you exist, you can be 100% sure that God loves you.**
“I am here, therefore God loves me.”
To be honest, I was like you once (though not so bad as to need therapy) in that it was hard to believe in God’s love for us. Intellectually, I knew it, but deep in my heart, I could not hold on to it. It may once in a while come to my heart, this conviction of God’s love, but over the next few days it would slip away, no matter how hard I hold on to it, like sand coming out of my fist. But it was this revelation to me upon reading more Christian philosophy than I should have (LOL) that gave me for the first time in my life a firm belief in God’s love for me. My most common prayer now is:
“I am here, therefore You love me.”
I assure you, in my experience, no matter how “down” you are, once you understand the meaning of this prayer, you will always realize, deep down in your heart, the truth that God loves you. That is why I took time in explaining this truth to you.
Indeed, in the first few days that I realized this truth, I placed Post Its everywhere in my apartment, where this was written:
IAH ∴ YLM
It was a crazy time for me
Heck, if I only could have a silicone wristband printed with that contraction on it…
Before, I tried all my might to hold God’s hand, but I kept on slipping. I beat on myself for not having the strength to hold on to God’s hand. Now, it seems I do not need to: I just have to remember I exist, then I realize I have been standing on God’s hands all along.
For the person who stands in God’s hands always falls into God’s hands. And so fear vanishes, and in its place is born the courage to respond to today’s world.
Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI
