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Xantippe
Guest
That is a very interesting stat.
Help me by telling me about your marriage!
- Thread starter LaughingBoy1503
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Zzyzx_Road
Guest
ha ha, that’s funny, but you do have a point there.
This. Never really thought of it that way before. But reading this gave me cause to really look at marriages in my own extended family. I found that though most spouses turned out to be Catholics, none of them met in the Church. For instance, my parents were introduced by a mutual friend; it was a happy coincidence that both were cradle Catholics with very similar Catholic family and education backgrounds. My grandparents, my aunts and uncles, my married cousins, my married siblings, I don’t think any of them met their spouses at Church; they met thru work, thru college, thru social circles and mutual friends, etc. Even chance sightings played a part.
So I’ll go right on going where the women will respond to me and I won’t feel bad about trolling in non-Catholic waters. As I’m just doing what my family members did before me.
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Xantippe
Guest
I’m noticing a number of reports recently of meeting spouses via gaming…
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Cyril_Of_Canada
Guest
Hello OP,
I hope it isn’t too late to join in on this discussion. I’ve seen good advice in this thread said to you already, OP. I feel I am equipped in my experience to help you. I was previously involved in a seduction community that specialized in courting women. I’ve seen a lot of things that blew my mind, what worked, what didn’t. I will never teach you how to manipulate women because of how morally wrong it is, but I can teach you about things that women respond well to. I do know for a fact body language and eye contact are very important when it comes to interacting with women. Ladies of CA, if you disagree with me, feel free to let me know.
I can’t tell anything about yourself except what you tell us, but I feel if you are looking for the vocation of family life, then I feel you need to put more emphasis on it. Correct me if I am wrong, but you said you find it hard to meet women? What about people you meet on the street, in coffee shops, in any kind of social setting. Part of courting a women is knowing what you want, who you want to be with, and connecting with someone who you can build a relationship with.
I’m currently married for two years and married with one son, with another on the way. My wife and I had been dating during high school in our final year. We went to prom together, then she had to go back to her home country due to her being an exchange student. We both moved on with our lives, dated other people. Ten years later, we got back together.
I called her up one day, in 2013, and asked her right off the bat if she wanted to start a family with me. We had an hour long conversation about it. She was open to the idea, so I arranged to meet her in her country. I met her parents and visited her a few times and she visited me too. We had a long distance relationship at the time, and we both come from different cultural backgrounds. She also grew up not knowing what love was like and suffered from a poor relationship with her father. Want to know what she said about me in her christian testimony when she was baptized?
*"My fiance never forced me to get baptized or anything, but as I spent more time with him, I realized more how the christian idea of love, kindness and patience to bear the one year long distance relationship we had.
As a result, I couldn’t help but wonder if I become a christian, would I become a calm, satisfied, loving person who I never had been? If so, I want to become one of them…maybe part of me thought my father never loved me so like my father, my friends and my partner will leave me someday unless I improve myself and some ability I have to be loved but I had never known what ability it was to be loved.
That’s why, I couldn’t believe when my fiance said he was going to wait for me for a year either. He told me in the Bible, Jacob waited for Rachel for seven years bearing the hard work. Seven years later again, Rachel’s father forced Jacob to work another seven years before he could marry her."*
OP, as people said, you can reach out to non-catholics. You’re a catholic with a lot to give and know how to love others and be faithful, so that’s pretty good! And you can show it
when you court someone. You truly are a wonderful man who is a blessing to women in this day and age if you do that. There are a lot of broken, lonely people out there I’d say who are looking to be loved. You don’t need a faithful catholic, but I recommend marrying a catholic, or at least a women who is willing to respect you, your beliefs, and if possible, is willing to convert to the catholic church if you decide she is the one for you. As a protestant looking to join the Catholic Church, my marriage is currently suffering BECAUSE of that. I’m the one who introduced her to the protestant church, now I want to leave and join the Catholic Church and it’s divided us. I truly love my wife with an ever lasting love and will never leave her even when things are for worse.
So, if you’d like my help for helping you to court women and meeting them, I can be your man! But I prefer to keep that in a private conversation between us. Feel free to PM me.
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pianistclare
Guest
Is it just me or are we WAY off topic?
To answer the OP, my marriage (#2, I was a widow for 4 years) is ticking along fairly smoothly I met Joe on Catholic Singles, corresponded via phone and internet for 2 years, and finally met when a friend gave me a buddy pass to Ireland to go meet him. He had a cattle farm, and really couldn’t be away from it since his Father who he also took care of was 92 and couldn’t manage the cattle himself. I spent 3 weeks there and since we’d pretty much knew everything there was to know about each other by then, it was a mater of seeing if we clicked in person, and we did. He put the farm up for lease to a neighbor, who also would check in on Papa daily, and his dad heartily gave us his blessing and said “Don’t worry about me, I’m the oldest man in the village now and everyone loves to come by and hear by stories! Life is better with a partner, go for it!” He flew over a month later, and we married int he parish where I was working at the time 6 months later. So, no baby mama drama, no annulments needed, everything very smooth. Almost like we were kids. (He;s also 10 years younger than me). He a “restorative” kind of guy, a real peacemaker, very soft spoken, and kind. Which is what my daughters needed after their father died a violent death. So he has brought calm, and peace to our home, and a great sense of humor as well. They love him, and are always getting him little surprises and treats. They have given him cards telling him how much they love that he is so good to me.
So, the bottom line is, you never know what God has planned you for you. I thought it was all over for me, and I couldn’t be happier.
Best wishes on your quest for a wonderful spouse.
To answer the OP, my marriage (#2, I was a widow for 4 years) is ticking along fairly smoothly I met Joe on Catholic Singles, corresponded via phone and internet for 2 years, and finally met when a friend gave me a buddy pass to Ireland to go meet him. He had a cattle farm, and really couldn’t be away from it since his Father who he also took care of was 92 and couldn’t manage the cattle himself. I spent 3 weeks there and since we’d pretty much knew everything there was to know about each other by then, it was a mater of seeing if we clicked in person, and we did. He put the farm up for lease to a neighbor, who also would check in on Papa daily, and his dad heartily gave us his blessing and said “Don’t worry about me, I’m the oldest man in the village now and everyone loves to come by and hear by stories! Life is better with a partner, go for it!” He flew over a month later, and we married int he parish where I was working at the time 6 months later. So, no baby mama drama, no annulments needed, everything very smooth. Almost like we were kids. (He;s also 10 years younger than me). He a “restorative” kind of guy, a real peacemaker, very soft spoken, and kind. Which is what my daughters needed after their father died a violent death. So he has brought calm, and peace to our home, and a great sense of humor as well. They love him, and are always getting him little surprises and treats. They have given him cards telling him how much they love that he is so good to me.
So, the bottom line is, you never know what God has planned you for you. I thought it was all over for me, and I couldn’t be happier.
Best wishes on your quest for a wonderful spouse.
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Cyril_Of_Canada
Guest
You’re right, but didn’t OP also ask how he can meet women too…?
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pianistclare
Guest
True, but I would think words from people who are actually married and not other singles was more to the point of his post. He’s single. He knows the single person’s dilemma.
But, that’s the Family Life forum for ya. LOL
Have a blessed day.
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Xantippe
Guest
Body language and eye contact are important BUT I have to add a few thoughts:
- Those PUA guys hit on dozens of women–so it’s necessarily their techniques work on woman at large, but that if a guy approaches a large enough number of women, one of them will be interested.
- PUA guys do not account for the fact that their methods repel a large number of women–they’re just so blown away by the fact that 1 out of 10 (or however many) women responded.
Unfortunately, it may be that one of the 9 out of 10 was a better match, but she ran away because she was grossed out by the PUA stuff. PUA techniques are getting better and better known in the larger community.
xkcd.com/1027/
I can tell you how many times as a single woman that I gave my contact information to a strange man–0.0 times. It just never would have crossed my mind as an option to date a guy I didn’t know from Adam who spoke to me in a public place. You know, girls are brought up on the story of Little Red Riding Hood. Never speak to strangers!
- The OP sounds like he has dated a bunch. What he doesn’t know how to do is to meet a marriageable woman.
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Cyril_Of_Canada
Guest
Thank you for sharing. You’re right that PUA is sketchy. There are different schools of thought in it, with some good information; Some bad—but mostly all of it is for something not in light with Catholic morals, which is why I left the community. They are Redpilled, and a lot of their thinking is affected by a lack of common sense and following a particular school of thought that repulses me and I find disrespectful towards women.Body language and eye contact are important BUT I have to add a few thoughts:
(Here’s a cartoon with some bad language explaining how it comes across to women who know the system.)
- Those PUA guys hit on dozens of women–so it’s necessarily their techniques work on woman at large, but that if a guy approaches a large enough number of women, one of them will be interested.
- PUA guys do not account for the fact that their methods repel a large number of women–they’re just so blown away by the fact that 1 out of 10 (or however many) women responded.
xkcd.com/1027/
I can tell you how many times as a single woman that I gave my contact information to a strange man–0.0 times. It just never would have crossed my mind as an option to date a guy I didn’t know from Adam who spoke to me in a public place. You know, girls are brought up on the story of Little Red Riding Hood. Never speak to strangers!
- The OP sounds like he has dated a bunch. What he doesn’t know how to do is to meet a marriageable woman.
Some guys generally get into it because they just want a girlfriend, which is fine and all. It takes a lot of courage sometimes to talk to a women that intrigues you, which can also come down to a matter of confidence. Believe or not, as silly and stupid as it sounds, approaching a large number of women is taught as a way to overcome “approach anxiety”, which prevents someone from approaching a women to begin with. The idea is to overcome anxiety and build up confidence, even if you fail, you get something out of it, because it helps to numb you to anxiety. I am in no way advocating OP to do this. I am thinking of a better approach. He doesn’t need to “sarge” as they call it.
I’m not advocating PUA here because what OP wants to do is pursue the vocation of a family. I feel working on stuff like his body language (posture, tone of voice, eye contact) could benefit him because he can communicate how he feels to the one he is looking to court without having to necessarily say it. You don’t need to kill someone to make them feel you have feelings for them and to express that you are a potential mate.
Another thing I didn’t really see mentioned in here is how OP looks after himself. We don’t need OP to wear expensive clothes, but does he have form-fitting clothes that tailor to his body type, for example? Or match his look and how he presents himself. Good example: Does he dress like a child or dress like an adult? Does OP floss and brush his teeth? I am in no way meaning to insult him, just in my experience you’d be surprised how people might not do this. He said he only dated a woman once and lacks experience, so…as a man who has experience, I feel it’s important for us to discern and ask these kind of questions.
I haven’t heard it mentioned yet if OP has tried meetup.com. I tried to emphasize this to my friend who is in a similar situation as him, but it has fallen on deaf ears due to excuses. “Not enough time; Busy with this activity, work, and then I play games after.” But I also learned recently that my friend is also suffering from some kind of depression, which I have encouraged him to get help with.
Yeah. Meetup.com to join groups where you could share the same interest as women in your area that you want to court; Some people on here met through this forum; OP, I read you are in LA! You lucky man, you have a lot of people in your area you can seek out of potential mates. OP, how come you didn’t go to the Catholic Answers Live conference held this week? For $20, it sounds like a great place to go if you were able to get out that far, and, I’m sure there would be single, catholic ladies there that you might be able to mingle with and keep in contact.
OP, I recommend you find social groups to join in your area where you can meet women. What about groups where you meet up to go on hikes or some outdoor activity.
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hereagain
Guest
I feel for you, brother, I’ve been there! I was alone 12 years, mostly during my 30’s, waiting for God to reveal Miss Right. I know you are waiting on Him and praying as I did too. There’s a balance there. We want the one God has for us, but we also have to do what we can too.
The internet wasn’t even around during most of those 12 years for me (I say 12 years as those were the years I lived alone and had no gf) (btw, you meeting 2 women a year and 2 dates is much more than what I had!). I also can relate to the having kids already thing. I felt about everybody since my mid-20’s had them, or was divorced, or had a long term bf, or something. I held out for no divorced, no kids. It’s not like I hadn’t tried that as my previous long term gf was both with lots of them.
So in 2001, I got a computer and got online and found my future wife on a Christian chat/friendship/dating site. It is no longer in existence but I know there are Catholic based one’s now and if I were single and wanted to date/be married, I’d be on those as you already are. It’s just a matter of perseverance imho. Funny story about this, I had a bible study teacher mention once that there’s too many single people who expect “God to drop somebody for them in their living room.” My first computer was in my living room, so God sort of did!
All I wanted was mutual attraction, someone who loved God and someone who loved me. It took me 12 years of praying/waiting/trying to find her, and she was on the other side of the planet! Yet, it worked out, because it was God’s grace that brought us together. We’ve been married over 14 years now, and knew each other 2 before we were married. We are an early internet meet success story!
Suffice it to say, keep doing what you can, and mostly be open and trusting in God’s provisions.
Best,
HereAgain
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Norseman82
Guest
I would add to try the National Catholic Singles Conference if they come to a location near you. I almost had success with it - I say “almost” because the lady I met and dated ended up going into the convent. Of course, you could also try to see if you can get a construction contract across the street from a convent and try to latch anyone "discerning out. (By the way, that’s humor, before anyone jumps all over me…)
You can also signal you’re trying to meet someone to any clergy/nuns you know at the parish. One of the Polish nuns at my parish actually tried to do so for me at the parish’s Polish school dinner/dance last year, but due to various factors it did not succeed (won’t go into details).
You can also signal you’re trying to meet someone to any clergy/nuns you know at the parish. One of the Polish nuns at my parish actually tried to do so for me at the parish’s Polish school dinner/dance last year, but due to various factors it did not succeed (won’t go into details).
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guiltycatholic
Guest
Wasn’t able to read through every post but I did my best skimming so I don’t just repeat advice.
I’m a woman who’s been married 6 years. It’s not the best relationship but I can tell you how we met in a small town. There was a small cultural band playing in the corner of a bar and I went alone, thinking my brother would be there. He wasn’t so I sat myself at a table with a stranger and introduced myself. We chatted awhile but he was a loser. So I saw the next closest person at the nearest table, without having to get up I introduced myself. And he’s the one I ended up marrying.
Now I’m not in a position to give marriage advice. I came to the forum this morning to ask for advice and saw your post first. But I’ve dated a ton. And my views don’t have much in common with the others.
It sounds to me like you’re being a really nice guy who hangs out at church a lot, volunteers a lot, and is looking in “domestic” circles for a mate. Which is pretty much all wrong in my opinion. I mean it’s great that you’re doing things you enjoy. I agree with those who say to develop yourself, to pray, etc. But iF you were going to find a wife there you would have already.
It sounds to me like you’re being too nice and getting friend zoned. I can’t speak on behalf of all women because clearly from this thread I’m in the minority. But you want a woman to be attracted to you, so you have to learn how to attract them. I saw you mention the gym a couple of times, so I assume you know how to take care of yourself. Are you physically attractive? You don’t have to be a model or anything but it’s much more difficult to attract a mate if you’re obese, covered in acne, don’t know how to dress, etc. I’m really surprised not one person in this thread mentioned physical appearance. Yes it’s mean and “looks shouldn’t matter” but the fact is, they do. A lot. It may not be as important to staying married, but it’s important to finding a spouse.
You also mention you’re a convert and in your 30s. So look at it from the other perspective. I know some people would be hesitant to marry a convert, like maybe you didn’t turn all the way lol or turned farther than they did. Converts are generally a different type of Catholic (often better, btw.) So you need to be patient with a mate who might be put off at first.
Then there’s your age. Do you look your age, older, younger? Under 34 is not that late, but when a man is still single over age 35 today, some people assume he might be gay. Or divorced. Or troubled. It’s not a fun fact but true. You’ve got to come across as available and attracted to women.
I’ve heard a lot of people say you should meet your spouse at church, not a bar. But I disagree. Your religion isn’t who you are, and you’ll seem one dimensional and uninteresting if that’s your whole life. Single women go to bars. And night clubs. And lots of other places, like the grocery store and laundromat. But you can be creepy and awkward anywhere. The problem lies with you because you haven’t leaened how to approach and attract women. Having never met you, I can’t know that, but your predicament seems to indicate it. I think Cyril of Canada will probably help you a lot. Generally when it’s someone who wants so badly to get married and has been looking for 30 years, it’s probably not for lack of good places to meet, but just that he’s going about it wrong.
You can pm me for more details or whatever, but I’m pretty sure I’m talking about the same thing ole Cyril is saying.
I guess the biggest takeaway from me is that what you’re currently doing is more for people who are already married. Get married and then be nice and harmless and churchy and all the rest. But in the meantime, you need to up your attraction game. Seems to be the opposite of what my husband did! (That’s not to say I think you should stop praying, going to Mass, helping others, being patient, etc or that you should become a chauvinist. I hope that goes without saying.) Good luck!
I’m a woman who’s been married 6 years. It’s not the best relationship but I can tell you how we met in a small town. There was a small cultural band playing in the corner of a bar and I went alone, thinking my brother would be there. He wasn’t so I sat myself at a table with a stranger and introduced myself. We chatted awhile but he was a loser. So I saw the next closest person at the nearest table, without having to get up I introduced myself. And he’s the one I ended up marrying.
Now I’m not in a position to give marriage advice. I came to the forum this morning to ask for advice and saw your post first. But I’ve dated a ton. And my views don’t have much in common with the others.
It sounds to me like you’re being a really nice guy who hangs out at church a lot, volunteers a lot, and is looking in “domestic” circles for a mate. Which is pretty much all wrong in my opinion. I mean it’s great that you’re doing things you enjoy. I agree with those who say to develop yourself, to pray, etc. But iF you were going to find a wife there you would have already.
It sounds to me like you’re being too nice and getting friend zoned. I can’t speak on behalf of all women because clearly from this thread I’m in the minority. But you want a woman to be attracted to you, so you have to learn how to attract them. I saw you mention the gym a couple of times, so I assume you know how to take care of yourself. Are you physically attractive? You don’t have to be a model or anything but it’s much more difficult to attract a mate if you’re obese, covered in acne, don’t know how to dress, etc. I’m really surprised not one person in this thread mentioned physical appearance. Yes it’s mean and “looks shouldn’t matter” but the fact is, they do. A lot. It may not be as important to staying married, but it’s important to finding a spouse.
You also mention you’re a convert and in your 30s. So look at it from the other perspective. I know some people would be hesitant to marry a convert, like maybe you didn’t turn all the way lol or turned farther than they did. Converts are generally a different type of Catholic (often better, btw.) So you need to be patient with a mate who might be put off at first.
Then there’s your age. Do you look your age, older, younger? Under 34 is not that late, but when a man is still single over age 35 today, some people assume he might be gay. Or divorced. Or troubled. It’s not a fun fact but true. You’ve got to come across as available and attracted to women.
I’ve heard a lot of people say you should meet your spouse at church, not a bar. But I disagree. Your religion isn’t who you are, and you’ll seem one dimensional and uninteresting if that’s your whole life. Single women go to bars. And night clubs. And lots of other places, like the grocery store and laundromat. But you can be creepy and awkward anywhere. The problem lies with you because you haven’t leaened how to approach and attract women. Having never met you, I can’t know that, but your predicament seems to indicate it. I think Cyril of Canada will probably help you a lot. Generally when it’s someone who wants so badly to get married and has been looking for 30 years, it’s probably not for lack of good places to meet, but just that he’s going about it wrong.
You can pm me for more details or whatever, but I’m pretty sure I’m talking about the same thing ole Cyril is saying.
I guess the biggest takeaway from me is that what you’re currently doing is more for people who are already married. Get married and then be nice and harmless and churchy and all the rest. But in the meantime, you need to up your attraction game. Seems to be the opposite of what my husband did! (That’s not to say I think you should stop praying, going to Mass, helping others, being patient, etc or that you should become a chauvinist. I hope that goes without saying.) Good luck!
LaughingBoy1503
Well-known member
Thanks for the advice. Believe me, I have analyzed everything you have said 10x over in the past. I am no fool. In fact, over analyzing things is not helpful at all. I have realized that. “Do I look younger than my age? Older than my age? Some women wont like x, y z” That’s is too much. Truth is not every member of the opposite sex is going to like everything about us. I am not socially awkward I am in decent shape and I have never been called “Too nice” in fact, I can be a real jerk sometimes lol but I know how to be a gentleman and I can control myself. And you can actually send me a friend request if you want to see my picture. I have it in my photo album that only Caf friends can see from this site. I am not the best looking but I am decent. I never notice women checking me out but when I go places with friends, they do apparently
I actually have a girlfriend now. Just started our relationship. I have seen ugly guys get girlfriends faster than me, I have seen obese men get girls faster than me, I have seen both good guys and bad guys get women faster than me. I really truly think I have just not had good luck in the past and I do not get out enough sometimes. Never the less, my patience has paid off. Thank you
LaughingBoy1503
Well-known member
God led a beautiful and devout woman and me together recently. I have always said it would take a miracle and I got it lolI feel for you, brother, I’ve been there! I was alone 12 years, mostly during my 30’s, waiting for God to reveal Miss Right. I know you are waiting on Him and praying as I did too. There’s a balance there. We want the one God has for us, but we also have to do what we can too.
The internet wasn’t even around during most of those 12 years for me (I say 12 years as those were the years I lived alone and had no gf) (btw, you meeting 2 women a year and 2 dates is much more than what I had!). I also can relate to the having kids already thing. I felt about everybody since my mid-20’s had them, or was divorced, or had a long term bf, or something. I held out for no divorced, no kids. It’s not like I hadn’t tried that as my previous long term gf was both with lots of them.
So in 2001, I got a computer and got online and found my future wife on a Christian chat/friendship/dating site. It is no longer in existence but I know there are Catholic based one’s now and if I were single and wanted to date/be married, I’d be on those as you already are. It’s just a matter of perseverance imho. Funny story about this, I had a bible study teacher mention once that there’s too many single people who expect “God to drop somebody for them in their living room.” My first computer was in my living room, so God sort of did!
All I wanted was mutual attraction, someone who loved God and someone who loved me. It took me 12 years of praying/waiting/trying to find her, and she was on the other side of the planet! Yet, it worked out, because it was God’s grace that brought us together. We’ve been married over 14 years now, and knew each other 2 before we were married. We are an early internet meet success story!
Suffice it to say, keep doing what you can, and mostly be open and trusting in God’s provisions.
P
philipl
Guest
Lets see, I was going to a night class and she walked into the room. I knew at that very moment I was going to marry her. She was dating someone and on the last day of class I got her number which I lost the next day. At the start of the next sememster I saw her in the book store got her number again. I finally got her to go out with me on april 13, we were engaged a month later and married 14 months later. Been married 28 years.
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Xantippe
Guest
LaughingBoy1503
Well-known member
We actually found each other a year ago but she was not ready to date anyone and I decided she was worth at least being friends with and a year and 4 months later we ended up together. We admitted we had a crush on each other for a long time while we were friends
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pianistclare
Guest
YAY! Wonderful news!
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Xantippe
Guest
Awwww!We actually found each other a year ago but she was not ready to date anyone and I decided she was worth at least being friends with and a year and 4 months later we ended up together. We admitted we had a crush on each other for a long time while we were friends
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hereagain
Guest
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