HELP ME! G/f falling into lust and our relationship sinking

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Hi everyone!!

I need help from someone who can give it to me!! I’m going through many complex problems with my girlfriend, relating about sex and feelings of love.

She’s doubtful of God and of faith or Catholic anything, while I am still learning and experiencing it and growing every day. I need help… she’s a good girl deep down inside but I feel is confusing love with lust, even in a monogomous relationship setting (not marriage). She doesn’t want to talk about marriage anymore, even though we used to all the time, and she “justs want to have excitement and fun” again. I’m not sure if that involved the sex, which we cut down to stopped since I started going to Mass.

She used to be involved with me going to Church and all, and gained loss of anxiety by praying rosary, yet she cannot stay in it. She struggling with relativism (that there is NO simple truth at all) , she says I am too black and white now, and a big stumbling block to her for us is the fact of no more intimate relations, pretty much. She gets angry when I say that love isn’t sex, and sex should be for marriage when you’re ready for kids… she just doesnt get it nor wants to, I believe.

She used to believe in not having sex with us, and felt it was good!! But she keeps flipping back toward wanting to do it with me and feeling “love” again. Obviously, this situation is very much more complex as far as her background and ours (almost 2 years knowing eachother).

If you could recommend one audiothing or book or reading or approach we could take that I could give to her about purity, not having sex in a relationship, desire for closeness disguised in tempation, I dont know , ,anything related!!! This is last ditch for us and I’m very concerned… shes a great person but she’s getting caught up in the webs of sexual temptation and wanting to do it again with me. I need something very effective , simple and short, not too indepth read, and not too “religious” based or if it is, minimal in direct biblical references…HELP!!!
 
The post brings me back to something I wish alot more conservative leaning catholics would sometimes remember-women have sexual feelings too, and can be just as pusy when it comes to pressuring someone for intercourse.

Remind her what attracted you to her in the first place-the common values, the morality, other things you two shared. If she does not want to partake in those kind of activites anymore, in might be time to look elsewhere.

What is more important than anything to keep in mind is to NEVER preach to her. Listen to her and continue to be her friend.
 
Check out Jason Everet. There’s a link to “Chastity” on the top of the page, and go from there. It’s more angled towards teens, but it should help at least a little. It also has a lot about faith in there so your gf might blow right over it.

But hey, in my book its worth a shot.
 
Thanks everyone for the posts.

Alittle more about me and her… Im almost 22 , shes almost 21… we’ve both engaged in actions together, and before we were together. We’re no strangers to the effects of sex, but from what I can see, she has little faith in God and struggles with her desire (just for me, she says) and says “its normal to want sex, we’re humans”. I didn’t say anything in reply, but I know sexual desire and arousal are normal, its lust and inordinate desire that are wrong and a perversion of the sexual love act.

I can’t say that to her though, because its full of religious connotation. I guess this is a hopeless case then , on appearances from the outside… I still hope though inside because I’ve seen her agree with me on many things about love before, but she just has been rejecting it lately.
 
I don’t know that I’m much help (since I’m a virgin), but I’m 22 so I’m in the same age group at least. When she says things like “It’s normal to want to have sex” do you just blow her off and not say anything? Perhaps you could come at it from another angle and say that you do care about her, and that’s why you want to hold off from now until you get married. Even from a non-religious point of view, you could point out the implications of getting pregnant etc.

As a girl, I need to hear from my boyfriend that he does love me and care about me, even though we don’t have sex. It’s about knowing that you care for one another. She was used to having sex, so now that you don’t want to anymore, I have a feeling that she’s feeling like you don’t find her attractive anymore. That’s just how I would look at it as a girl. I would think that maybe she’s got her feelings hurt if for her it’s not about being chaste.

If it were me, I would take the time to show that you care. Take her out on a nice date. Say nice things about her. Take it from there. You don’t have to have sex to show that you like one another, just make her see that. And then once your relationship is in a better place you can work on her faith.
 
BrokenFortress said:
I don’t know that I’m much help (since I’m a virgin), but I’m 22 so I’m in the same age group at least. When she says things like “It’s normal to want to have sex” do you just blow her off and not say anything? Perhaps you could come at it from another angle and say that you do care about her, and that’s why you want to hold off from now until you get married. Even from a non-religious point of view, you could point out the implications of getting pregnant etc.

As a girl, I need to hear from my boyfriend that he does love me and care about me, even though we don’t have sex. It’s about knowing that you care for one another. She was used to having sex, so now that you don’t want to anymore, I have a feeling that she’s feeling like you don’t find her attractive anymore. That’s just how I would look at it as a girl. I would think that maybe she’s got her feelings hurt if for her it’s not about being chaste.

If it were me, I would take the time to show that you care. Take her out on a nice date. Say nice things about her. Take it from there. You don’t have to have sex to show that you like one another, just make her see that. And then once your relationship is in a better place you can work on her faith.
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Thank you , great advice!! I was planning on doing that actually before the thread… rekindle the love… I do feel she might think that at times, and most of the time actually. She has to understand that love is not sex, even though it is nice and intimate (she said, with us), but that I can show her how much I love her with actions and words that aren’t lusty or sexual.

Thank you
 
coolduude said:
Check out Jason Everet. There’s a link to “Chastity” on the top of the page, and go from there. It’s more angled towards teens, but it should help at least a little. It also has a lot about faith in there so your gf might blow right over it.

But hey, in my book its worth a shot.
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Good suggestion…

Also, in terms of her struggle with relativism, it might be a good idea to take a look at this song: imeem.com/joeboricua/music/x3y4Jxj8/lecrae-truth/

It’s a song by Lecrae, a Christian hip-hop artist, and believe me when I tell you that it’s actually a legitimate song. (I generally don’t even like rap/hip-hop.) He talks a lot about relativism in the song.
 
Something you might want you to try-do some hiking, cycling, activites that are in the outdoors in public. Don’t be alone with her too much, then the temptation won’t be overboard.
 
j2c99 said:
Thanks everyone for the posts.

Alittle more about me and her… Im almost 22 , shes almost 21… we’ve both engaged in actions together, and before we were together. We’re no strangers to the effects of sex, but from what I can see, she has little faith in God and struggles with her desire (just for me, she says) and says “its normal to want sex, we’re humans”. I didn’t say anything in reply, but I know sexual desire and arousal are normal, its lust and inordinate desire that are wrong and a perversion of the sexual love act.

I can’t say that to her though, because its full of religious connotation. I guess this is a hopeless case then , on appearances from the outside… I still hope though inside because I’ve seen her agree with me on many things about love before, but she just has been rejecting it lately.
Click to expand...
In a relationship leading to marriage, it is extremely important to share the same beliefs, values, and practice of the faith. It seems she has no interest in this. You cannot make a square peg fit a round hole. You want her to come around, and perhaps she will. It should **not **be out of fear of losing you, however. That type of “conversion” is often short lived… especially once the vows are said. Be cautious.

If she is not leading you to holiness, and is in fact pressuring you in the other direction, I suggest you step back in your relationship. Certainly share chastity information with her-- Jason Evert is great, Mary Beth Bonacci is good-- but do not continue to leave yourself open to doing things you do not want to do through pressure.

She will have to come to understanding and belief by the grace of the Holy Spirit. It may not be tomorrow, and it may not be ever if she continues to resist the grace, especially of the Sacraments.

I suggest you be prepared for the fact that she *might *not come around to belief in and embracing of Catholic teaching at all. Perhaps you should stop talking about marriage with her, and start focusing on what the Sacrament of Marriage means. Then evaluate-- honestly-- whether or not this person is the right person to enter into the Sacrament with. Read Archbishop Fulton Sheen’s Three To Get Married.
 
I highly recommend the CD “Winning the Battle for Sexual Purity” by Christopher West (www.christopherwest.com)

It’s actually a talk given to a group of men, but it was so eye opening for me as a women to hear men discuss how difficult chastity is but how worth it it is to treat a woman with the respect and dignity she deserves. Your girlfriend my find a new found respect for you and your dedication to guarding her purity.

Even as a devout Catholic, I struggled terribly with chastity due to woundedness from my past. Sex became a way to feel loved when I never did and to feel connected to a person a desperately needed (co-dependency) but wasn’t actually in love with. When I met someone who was 100% commited to chastity, I constantly found myself frustrated, taking that frustration out on him. Why? Because there were things missing from the relationship and sex wasn’t there to disguise that. Your girlfriend no longer has the sexual act to feel that connection with you and is probably threatened by the direction your faith life is taking you.

I’ll keep you both in prayer. I suggest giving the relationship over to Christ and let his will be done. He may ultimately change her life through you, or he may close the door on the relationship.

Peace in Christ,
Teri
 
BrokenFortress said:
I don’t know that I’m much help (since I’m a virgin), but I’m 22 so I’m in the same age group at least. When she says things like “It’s normal to want to have sex” do you just blow her off and not say anything? Perhaps you could come at it from another angle and say that you do care about her, and that’s why you want to hold off from now until you get married. Even from a non-religious point of view, you could point out the implications of getting pregnant etc.

As a girl, I need to hear from my boyfriend that he does love me and care about me, even though we don’t have sex. It’s about knowing that you care for one another. She was used to having sex, so now that you don’t want to anymore, I have a feeling that she’s feeling like you don’t find her attractive anymore. That’s just how I would look at it as a girl. I would think that maybe she’s got her feelings hurt if for her it’s not about being chaste.

If it were me, I would take the time to show that you care. Take her out on a nice date. Say nice things about her. Take it from there. You don’t have to have sex to show that you like one another, just make her see that. And then once your relationship is in a better place you can work on her faith.
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I think this post is right on target!
 
See above! I couldn’t have offered better advice myself, to be sure!

I just wanna chime in and say what I don’t think has been said in the post before - kudos to you for turning your relationship around the way you have. That couldn’t have been easy and certainly can’t be easy now.
 
As a Catholic, a Marriage is not just a marriage. It is a Vocation, a purposeful Vocation in life. This is one of my favorites about The Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.

One of the CAF Apologist, Michelle Arnold:

“It is important to remember the purpose of marriage: To provide for each spouse a partner to help him or her on the road to heaven. It is a vocation that forms the partners in sanctity, whether or not their marriage is blessed with children.”

Is this person going to be committed to helping you get to eternal salvation day in and day out for the next 50-60years? Just something to thing about.
 
You have been given great advice here.

The resources you have been pointed toward are good. As a female I’d especially recommend anything by Mary Beth Bonacci.

But the bigger picture here lurks in the shadows. If you do marry her, that will take care of the “lust” thing. Or will it? Will the fight then turn toward submission to God’s teachings on artificial birth control?

Do you have the stomach to have to fight about sex in some form or other for the next 40 years?

Sometimes dating is the way to find out someone is NOT suited to you. You have changed. Maybe she isn’t changing in the same direction. Best you find that out BEFORE an engagement and marriage!
 
j2c99 said:
Hi everyone!!

I need help from someone who can give it to me!! I’m going through many complex problems with my girlfriend, relating about sex and feelings of love.

She’s doubtful of God and of faith or Catholic anything, while I am still learning and experiencing it and growing every day. I need help… she’s a good girl deep down inside but I feel is confusing love with lust, even in a monogomous relationship setting (not marriage). She doesn’t want to talk about marriage anymore, even though we used to all the time, and she “justs want to have excitement and fun” again. I’m not sure if that involved the sex, which we cut down to stopped since I started going to Mass.

She used to be involved with me going to Church and all, and gained loss of anxiety by praying rosary, yet she cannot stay in it. She struggling with relativism (that there is NO simple truth at all) , she says I am too black and white now, and a big stumbling block to her for us is the fact of no more intimate relations, pretty much. She gets angry when I say that love isn’t sex, and sex should be for marriage when you’re ready for kids… she just doesnt get it nor wants to, I believe.

She used to believe in not having sex with us, and felt it was good!! But she keeps flipping back toward wanting to do it with me and feeling “love” again. Obviously, this situation is very much more complex as far as her background and ours (almost 2 years knowing eachother).

If you could recommend one audiothing or book or reading or approach we could take that I could give to her about purity, not having sex in a relationship, desire for closeness disguised in tempation, I dont know , ,anything related!!! This is last ditch for us and I’m very concerned… shes a great person but she’s getting caught up in the webs of sexual temptation and wanting to do it again with me. I need something very effective , simple and short, not too indepth read, and not too “religious” based or if it is, minimal in direct biblical references…HELP!!!
Click to expand...
A more important question you should ask yourself is what will happen if you get married? Most probably she will use contraception, will you be okay with that (whether she uses the pill, or female condoms, or whatever)?

If you have children, how will they be raised?

You have been together for 2 years, even if you are not married, it is normal for her to have desire for you. I don’t think you should consider her lustful on that account. It would be very strange and abnormal if she didn’t feel that way. (Especially since you have already had sex, you pretty much have lived as husband and wife. She may still feel about you t he way a wife might feel about her husband whereas you want to pull back. Just look at all the pain married people go through when their partner no longer wants sexual intimacy.)

If her feelings for you are strong, she may be receptive to the books you give her, she may even convert to Catholicism for your sake. But if she has deep intellectual reasons for being agnostic, they won’t go away.

Hard to give you advice, you have to decide how important it is for you to be with this particular person. And if it is very important, you simply have to accept that she does not share your religious beliefs and learn to live with that. If you judge her as being “lustful/sinful” because she doesn’t share your faith, it will not lead anywhere good.
 
j2c99 said:
Thanks everyone for the posts.

Alittle more about me and her… Im almost 22 , shes almost 21… we’ve both engaged in actions together, and before we were together. We’re no strangers to the effects of sex, but from what I can see, she has little faith in God and struggles with her desire (just for me, she says) and says “its normal to want sex, we’re humans”. I didn’t say anything in reply, but I know sexual desire and arousal are normal, its lust and inordinate desire that are wrong and a perversion of the sexual love act.

I can’t say that to her though, because its full of religious connotation. I guess this is a hopeless case then , on appearances from the outside… I still hope though inside because I’ve seen her agree with me on many things about love before, but she just has been rejecting it lately.
Click to expand...
I bolded the part of your post that stuck out most to me. Here I see a problem. It’s true that you may not be able to convince her by using a religious argument. But she’s not just any person off the street who you’re trying to evangelize, she’s a person who you hope to have an intimate (emotionally, that is) and equal relationship. If you can’t be open about your belief, and share your reasoning, even though it’s religious, then I don’t see an equal situation. I see you acting as a mentor to her and walking on eggshells so as not to offend or turn her off to the truth. I believe that in a relationship that could end up in marriage, you both have to be able to be open about those things that are dearest to you. And you have to be somewhat equally yoked. It’s one thing to understand that she won’t relate or agree with your religious take on this issue, but you need to be able to still express it to her at least in the form of an explanation for your own position. Your religious beliefs are nothing to be hidden or avoided. You can still go on to give her secular reasoning as well, but I’d urge you to be open about your faith, and give her the chance to be giving to you in the sense of respecting that about you which is different.
 
j2c99 said:
Hi everyone!!

I need help from someone who can give it to me!! I’m going through many complex problems with my girlfriend, relating about sex and feelings of love.

She’s doubtful of God and of faith or Catholic anything, while I am still learning and experiencing it and growing every day. I need help… she’s a good girl deep down inside but I feel is confusing love with lust, even in a monogomous relationship setting (not marriage). She doesn’t want to talk about marriage anymore, even though we used to all the time, and she “justs want to have excitement and fun” again. I’m not sure if that involved the sex, which we cut down to stopped since I started going to Mass.

She used to be involved with me going to Church and all, and gained loss of anxiety by praying rosary, yet she cannot stay in it. She struggling with relativism (that there is NO simple truth at all) , she says I am too black and white now, and a big stumbling block to her for us is the fact of no more intimate relations, pretty much. She gets angry when I say that love isn’t sex, and sex should be for marriage when you’re ready for kids… she just doesnt get it nor wants to, I believe.

She used to believe in not having sex with us, and felt it was good!! But she keeps flipping back toward wanting to do it with me and feeling “love” again. Obviously, this situation is very much more complex as far as her background and ours (almost 2 years knowing eachother).

If you could recommend one audiothing or book or reading or approach we could take that I could give to her about purity, not having sex in a relationship, desire for closeness disguised in tempation, I dont know , ,anything related!!! This is last ditch for us and I’m very concerned… shes a great person but she’s getting caught up in the webs of sexual temptation and wanting to do it again with me. I need something very effective , simple and short, not too indepth read, and not too “religious” based or if it is, minimal in direct biblical references…HELP!!!
Click to expand...
I agree with liberano’s advice. I think that it’s wonderful that you are now waiting for marriage, and unfortunate that your gf might not be in agreement. The reason could be is that she sees an ‘about face,’ in terms of you were having sex, now, you have ‘suddenly’ stopped. To her, she might feel lack of love. But, there is only so much ‘convincing’ that you can do. If she is ultimately unhappy being with you without sex, that might be a relationship that possible could serve you as a near occasion to sin, at this point. I pray that your gf will choose this same chaste path as you, and that your relationship can endure. But, if she continues to battle you on this, so you don’t do something you might regret (one can only fight a battle for so long) you might have to let her go. Praying for you both.
 
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