Help me justify my morals to my boyfriend?

[esther3]

Hello all,

I’m a new member and new Catholic, recently confirmed.
I’m in college and in a nearly-year-long relationship with a fellow Catholic. He is a wonderful person and has a very well developed moral code. He is skeptical of much of the Old Testament, and his approach to certain things is much more of a this-isn’t-hurting-anyone-and-I-have-the-best-intentions sort. Conversely, if I am morally uncertain about something I would rather abstain completely than commit something that can’t really be undone. Sex is a perfect example of this. Virginity can’t be “found.” Once you lose it, you lose it.

Let me clarify that my boyfriend isn’t just a college student looking for sleep with me. We love each other very deeply and sometimes it is so overwhelming that the words “I love you” aren’t really good enough. It’s like we need to express it some other way, that way being physical. His moral code sanctions sex between two people who love one another, as long as the person is an end in and of his/herself and not just the act. I’ve made it infinitely clear that I disagree, and he has barely pressured me at all. He has reconciled himself to the fact that I will not under any circumstances have intercourse.

Yet, he cannot understand why oral sex is out of the question too. He doesn’t buy the sex-must-be-for-procreative-ends argument, and frankly, that’s not really my reasoning either. So if you all could offer arguments besides that, I would very much appreciate it. I recognize the church’s stance on that and its validity, but I would like additional/different support if you can offer it, please.

I am not okay with anyone but my future husband seeing my body. For me, oral sex would be like giving part of myself away, and I want to give all of myself away one day, to one person. I want to be able to disclose my full sexual history to my spouse and not be ashamed. I want to be above reproach for that person, and by that, I mean that I never want him to have to wonder what I did and who I did it with. I feel like it is much more conducive to a faithful and respectful marriage. When I tried to explain this to my boyfriend, he seemed to think that what I meant was that I wanted to be “above reproach” in the sense that I wanted to hold the upper hand by being above criticism and invulnerable.

I love him very much and I feel guilty for not being able to “please him” or love him in that way. Sometimes I feel very selfish. He has expressed issue with my argument that I don’t want to give any of myself away because he seems to associate vulnerability and trust. As if by not “putting yourself out there” then you are holding something back in the relationship, or keeping one foot out the door.The thing is, I’ve given myself emotionally to him by giving him my heart, but I can’t give myself to anyone physically unless I am married. I need help explaining why to him.

These conversations are very difficult to have because there is a bit of an unspoken understanding of the potential longevity of the relationship, so it is hard for me to explain this in terms of my reasons being for “my future spouse” because it sounds as if I am holding out on him so that I can be fresh goods for someone else. I hope that is understandable to all of you.

We are both passionate people, and when we first started dating we encountered the problem of prolonged kissing or making-out (just kissing for long periods of time, no groping or genital contact at all), which always ended with both of us feeling disappointed and unfulfilled. We’ve since recognized this and reigned it in considerably for the benefit of our relationship. Since this is off of the table, we are constrained to very limited kissing, which makes both of us feel like our affection is severely hobbled. Still, I am resolved to maintain my virginity, and virginity to me is guarding my body, unlike the widespread belief among my fellow students that one can engage in “everything but” actual intercourse.

I just want to help him understand why my conscience is so adamant in this respect. I have difficulty articulating to him the reasons why I feel so compelled to do this. In most cases, he seems to think that the benefits oral sex would have to our relationship as an expression of love would outweigh the potential harm. Can you help me explain to him why this is wrong?

Additionally, I’m in a particularly difficult situation because the repression is beginning to take a toll on our relationship and I’m faced with the burden of realizing that perhaps my antiquated lifestyle will be the cause of ending a relationship with someone I could very realistically envision spending the rest of my life with.

He also doesn’t seem to realize that it is taking a very great deal of self-control on my end. It’s not as if I don’t have desires of my own simply because I’m a woman. I realize the male sex drive is perhaps more demanding that that of the female, but I’m still having to exercise a lot of restraint on my end while also shouldering the heaviness that comes with knowing I am disappointing him.

We’re young. We’re in college. But we’re mature and love one another. Still, I don’t know if he is mature enough to swallow the fact that we are both going to graduate school and won’t be on our feet for at least 5-7 years…and I won’t participate in anything more than PG-13 kissing (or with the leniency of ratings these days, probably more like PG) until I have a priest’s blessing and a wedding ring on my finger. The long term sustainability of our relationship seems very unlikely…and that is devastating.

Please help me make my boyfriend understand why I am so sexually strict by explaining why premarital oral sex, and sex, is wrong. I need more concrete support than my own personal reasons.

 

[benidict]

Hello all,

I’m a new member and new Catholic, recently confirmed.
I’m in college and in a nearly-year-long relationship with a fellow Catholic. He is a wonderful person and has a very well developed moral code. He is skeptical of much of the Old Testament, and his approach to certain things is much more of a this-isn’t-hurting-anyone-and-I-have-the-best-intentions sort. Conversely, if I am morally uncertain about something I would rather abstain completely than commit something that can’t really be undone. Sex is a perfect example of this. Virginity can’t be “found.” Once you lose it, you lose it.

Let me clarify that my boyfriend isn’t just a college student looking for sleep with me. We love each other very deeply and sometimes it is so overwhelming that the words “I love you” aren’t really good enough. It’s like we need to express it some other way, that way being physical. His moral code sanctions sex between two people who love one another, as long as the person is an end in and of his/herself and not just the act. I’ve made it infinitely clear that I disagree, and he has barely pressured me at all. He has reconciled himself to the fact that I will not under any circumstances have intercourse.

Yet, he cannot understand why oral sex is out of the question too. He doesn’t buy the sex-must-be-for-procreative-ends argument, and frankly, that’s not really my reasoning either. So if you all could offer arguments besides that, I would very much appreciate it. I recognize the church’s stance on that and its validity, but I would like additional/different support if you can offer it, please.

I am not okay with anyone but my future husband seeing my body. For me, oral sex would be like giving part of myself away, and I want to give all of myself away one day, to one person. I want to be able to disclose my full sexual history to my spouse and not be ashamed. I want to be above reproach for that person, and by that, I mean that I never want him to have to wonder what I did and who I did it with. I feel like it is much more conducive to a faithful and respectful marriage. When I tried to explain this to my boyfriend, he seemed to think that what I meant was that I wanted to be “above reproach” in the sense that I wanted to hold the upper hand by being above criticism and invulnerable.

I love him very much and I feel guilty for not being able to “please him” or love him in that way. Sometimes I feel very selfish. He has expressed issue with my argument that I don’t want to give any of myself away because he seems to associate vulnerability and trust. As if by not “putting yourself out there” then you are holding something back in the relationship, or keeping one foot out the door.The thing is, I’ve given myself emotionally to him by giving him my heart, but I can’t give myself to anyone physically unless I am married. I need help explaining why to him.

These conversations are very difficult to have because there is a bit of an unspoken understanding of the potential longevity of the relationship, so it is hard for me to explain this in terms of my reasons being for “my future spouse” because it sounds as if I am holding out on him so that I can be fresh goods for someone else. I hope that is understandable to all of you.

We are both passionate people, and when we first started dating we encountered the problem of prolonged kissing or making-out (just kissing for long periods of time, no groping or genital contact at all), which always ended with both of us feeling disappointed and unfulfilled. We’ve since recognized this and reigned it in considerably for the benefit of our relationship. Since this is off of the table, we are constrained to very limited kissing, which makes both of us feel like our affection is severely hobbled. Still, I am resolved to maintain my virginity, and virginity to me is guarding my body, unlike the widespread belief among my fellow students that one can engage in “everything but” actual intercourse.

I just want to help him understand why my conscience is so adamant in this respect. I have difficulty articulating to him the reasons why I feel so compelled to do this. In most cases, he seems to think that the benefits oral sex would have to our relationship as an expression of love would outweigh the potential harm. Can you help me explain to him why this is wrong?

Additionally, I’m in a particularly difficult situation because the repression is beginning to take a toll on our relationship and I’m faced with the burden of realizing that perhaps my antiquated lifestyle will be the cause of ending a relationship with someone I could very realistically envision spending the rest of my life with.

s.

Tell him if your worth having for life, your worth waiting for. If he does not see this, then he does not truly love you. If you do falter here, and he meets someone else. Think about how devestated you will be. Or worse, What if he goes outside of your relationship and brings something home to you. Do yourself and your conscience a big favor. Wait for a ring and an I DO.

 

[joanofarc2008]

Dating is a discernment of marriage. If he does not share your morals how will you deal with the issues of raising children Catholic? How will you deal with the issues of chastity within marriage? How will you deal with NFP? Where is this relationship going?

 

[EmeraldWings]

i have two things for you to read,
go to the chapter on chastity here - gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=18604915
and read this - columbia.edu/cu/augustine/arch/chastity.html

you need to understand and likewise make your boyfriend understand, that this is a very serious matter, people go to hell most for the sins of the flesh, and that is nothing to take lightly, there is nothing more important than your soul, and even if you don’t understand how bad sins of the flesh are right now, my telling it to you in this way is a good enough reason for you to look into it,
if you both love each other, you would never risk each others soul,
and what the church teaches should be good enough, you must be obedient to the church,
and i don’t mean to direct these words at you, i know you want to do the right thing and follow the church, but i mean for these words to help you with your boyfriend, although you should be kind and gentle with him, but also be firm and straightforward in what you say,
even quoting the bible may be enough - “Know you not that the unjust shall not possess the kingdom of God? Do not err: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, Nor the effeminate, nor liers with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor railers, nor extortioners, shall possess the kingdom of God.” 1 Corinthians 6:9

Fornication, idolatry, covetousness, thievery, these all fall under the sins of the flesh, fornication is sex, in any form, outside of marriage, idolatry falls under sins of the flesh, because it’s choosing bodily pleasure over God and His law, covetousness because it is desiring what does not belong to you, and likewise desiring inordinately,
and it’s thievery because it’s taking what does not belong to you and using it for your own selfish purposes, the sexual pleasures in any form are for the married only, and they are not yours to have, even your body is not your own, but all belongs to God, and God has given us marriage as a great and holy thing, it has a purpose, which is for the procreation and education of children and mutual support of spouses,
i know you said you didn’t want to hear that argument, but it really disturbs me that your boyfriend, as you said, “doesn’t buy the sex-must-be-for-procreative-ends argument”, what does that mean, “doesn’t buy” it? doesn’t buy it, or doesn’t understand it? what disturbs me about that is that it sounds like a belittlement, or a disregarding of what the church teaches, as if he somehow knows better? that’s dangerous…the church teaches us these things for our good, and God teaches them first and foremost, they should not be taken so lightly, but instead they should be looked into, learn about it instead of tossing it aside so arrogantly.

i think your boyfriend has alot to learn, and should talk to a priest, because if he is willing to commit these mortal sins, then there is good reason to believe he is also willingly having impure thoughts and desires as well…and please take this very seriously, because nothing matters more than the immortal soul, and if this guy isn’t willing to change, then you need to consider what it means for your own soul,
i know it’s hard right now, with sexual influences everywhere, and schools and society telling us “it’s normal, it’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with it!” meanwhile the world is being devastated with natural disasters and war and other horrible turmoil,

maybe it will help just to know the Catholic definition of lust, which is - “An inordinate desire for or enjoyment of sexual pleasure. The desires or acts are inordinate when they do not confirm to the divinely ordained purpose of sexual pleasure, which is to foster the mutual love of husband and wife and, according to the dispositions of providence, to procreate and educate their children.”
so according to that, it doesn’t matter how you look at it or how you feel about it, if you are seeking the sexual pleasures outside their proper place(marriage) then you are being lustful, and this may shock him, but there are no venial sins of impurity, the only way a sin against chastity can fall under venial is if either full knowledge or full consent are not present.
so again, this is very serious, and you absolutely have the ability to get this under control, because he’s the one who wants it, and you’re the one ultimately making the decision,
you should ask him things like, “don’t you care about your soul?” and “what about my soul?” and if he claims it’s not a sin, don’t just say the church says it is, but say Jesus says it is, and show it to him, make him read it in the bible, and make him read those two sites i listed.
and if he’s unwilling to do even that much, then that probably means it’s not just about not understanding, but it’s about not even wanting to understand, not wanting or caring about what’s right…which would be a whole different subject altogether.

but first and foremost, the best advice i can give you is to pray, pray for him and yourself, and always seek Gods help every day, that is the best and really the only way you will get through this, ask God to guide you, and to enlighten him,

well, just read those two things i listed up there, they will help you much more than anything i can say,
and also check this out - audiosancto.org/
that has alot of really great sermons, along with many on what you’re dealing with now.

ok, so i hope this helps, take care.

 

[St_Francis]

You are doing the right thing, and he is in several ways doing the wrong thing. What he wants you to do is a mortal sin for each of you, and he is pressuring you to risk your eternal soul.

Love is willing the best for the other person. What he is doing is not love; he is selfishly trying to pull you into mortal sin for the sake of some physical pleasure.

As an aside, I will offer some unsolicited advice: do not date until you are much closer to being ready to marry. Dating should be about finding a spouse, and when people are not ready to marry, then the goal is to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, and that puts a lot of temptation and pressure on each person.

ETA: By the way, your thoughts on what you want to bring to your marriage are beautiful, and I hope that you will marry a man who deserves that and brings the same to you.

 

[samiam1611]

Tell him if your worth having for life, your worth waiting for. If he does not see this, then he does not truly love you.

Well I wouldn’t necessarily say that that would mean he did not truly love her. People can love each other but sometimes it just doesn’t work out for one reason or another.
You do both sound very mature and in love, it’s those pesky Catholic morals getting in the way! I can’t offer you much advice since I’m on your bf’s side with this, but Benidict’s advice is good. Although it more like puts the ball in his court of what to do than it does actually convince him of anything. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you

 

[benidict]

Well I wouldn’t necessarily say that that would mean he did not truly love her. People can love each other but sometimes it just doesn’t work out for one reason or another.
You do both sound very mature and in love, it’s those pesky Catholic morals getting in the way! I can’t offer you much advice since I’m on your bf’s side with this, but Benidict’s advice is good. Although it more like puts the ball in his court of what to do than it does actually convince him of anything. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you

I love pugs!

 

[samiam1611]

I love pugs!

I know right? The smushy faces are unrivaled in cuteness

 

[benidict]

I know right? The smushy faces are unrivaled in cuteness

Exactly!

 

[Beth_Cecilia]

I’m a new member and new Catholic, recently confirmed.

Congratulations!

I am not okay with anyone but my future husband seeing my body. For me, oral sex would be like giving part of myself away, and I want to give all of myself away one day, to one person. I want to be able to disclose my full sexual history to my spouse and not be ashamed. I want to be above reproach for that person, and by that, I mean that I never want him to have to wonder what I did and who I did it with. I feel like it is much more conducive to a faithful and respectful marriage. When I tried to explain this to my boyfriend, he seemed to think that what I meant was that I wanted to be “above reproach” in the sense that I wanted to hold the upper hand by being above criticism and invulnerable.

That is perfectly clear. If when you tell him you want to remain pure for your husband, and he hears that you are self-righteous, he is not listening.

…I feel guilty for not being able to “please him” or love him in that way. Sometimes I feel very selfish. He has expressed issue with my argument that I don’t want to give any of myself away because he seems to associate vulnerability and trust. As if by not “putting yourself out there” then you are holding something back in the relationship, or keeping one foot out the door.The thing is, I’ve given myself emotionally to him by giving him my heart, but I can’t give myself to anyone physically unless I am married.

This part of the post troubles me a little, for your sake. How can it be selfish to desire to be virtuous? He should want that for you too, if he loves you, even if he does not understand what you think virtue looks like.

You are certainly holding something back in the relationship!! Of course you are!! You are not married! Would he like you to give yourself to him fully? That is what marriage is- when two people are joined as one, and they give each to the other fully of themselves. Pretending that you can do this now, is playing at marriage which is a dangerous game. When you have a promise of a lifetime, an unbreakable vow, a union blessed by God- then you can give yourself fully. Before that, the risk is enormous emotionally, obviously. But also, the act itself is a lie. The sexual act, in its place, confirms and affirms the marriage. It is a giving- as you say- fully to the other. When the act echoes the emotion that is nice, but weak. When the act echoes the emotion even as it affirms the vows, that is beautiful.

it is hard for me to explain this in terms of my reasons being for “my future spouse” because it sounds as if I am holding out on him so that I can be fresh goods for someone else.

If he is not going to be your future spouse, why are you dating him? If this relationship has an end, the longer it lasts the harder that end will be. I am not saying you have to marry the first guy you date- but that every guy ought to be a potential spouse. If he is not, leave him. I am sorry if that is harsh. Either you are waiting for a permanent future with him, or you are waiting for someone else.

…the repression is beginning to take a toll on our relationship and I’m faced with the burden of realizing that perhaps my antiquated lifestyle will be the cause of ending a relationship with someone I could very realistically envision spending the rest of my life with.

If he will not wait for you, he does not respect you. That is easy to say, and it sounds simplistic, but it is true. He does not have to understand to support you as a woman who will stand by her values. Oh, and your “lifestyle” is not antiquated.

He also doesn’t seem to realize that it is taking a very great deal of self-control on my end. It’s not as if I don’t have desires of my own simply because I’m a woman. I realize the male sex drive is perhaps more demanding that that of the female, but I’m still having to exercise a lot of restraint on my end while also shouldering the heaviness that comes with knowing I am disappointing him.

That is very selfish; does he know it? Tell him! Lots of people think women do not have the sex-drive that men have. I even had a priest tell me that once in confession. I know people are very different. I was like you. (Married now!) It was really hard for me.

Still, I don’t know if he is mature enough to swallow the fact that …I won’t participate in anything more than PG-13 kissing until I have a priest’s blessing and a wedding ring on my finger.

If he is not mature enough to wait for sex, he is not mature enough for love. That is a fact. Love is not all happy, smiling, movie endings and tears. Love is hard. It is sacrificial. Our picture of love is the Cross. In marriage, you will face harder things than struggling against your sex drive. You want a husband who can face those difficulties with you. A husband who would rather shoulder the effort himself, than make you suffer. (You loving sacrificially as well, of course.)

I need more concrete support than my own personal reasons.

No you don’t. Your personal reasons should be enough. If he does not share your morality, you do not have to prove it to him. You simply stand by your values and pray. Frankly, it sounds as though his “love” is selfish and immature.

Can you pray with him? You will not make it without prayer.

God has a plan for your life. Maybe this guy is a part of that plan, maybe not. Listen to God and trust him. If the relationship fails because you stood by the Lord, He has something better for you. He knows you better than you know yourself, and you will never be happy unless you submit your will to His.

 

[JimG]

In my view, long term relationships which do not end in marriage within a relatively short period of time are impractical and put both parties at risk.

If the two of you want to get married, set a date (not years off) and get married. But don’t string each other along in a romantic relationship for years on end which has no prospect of near term marriage.

 

[benidict]

In my view, long term relationships which do not end in marriage within a relatively short period of time are impractical and put both parties at risk.

If the two of you want to get married, set a date (not years off) and get married. But don’t string each other along in a romantic relationship for years on end which has no prospect of near term marriage.

 

[MontChevalier]

Tell him if your worth having for life, your worth waiting for.

The most beautiful smack in the face I’ve read all day.

Well said.

-MontChevalier

 

[1ke]

Your boyfriend is **not **a “wonderful person with a well developed moral code.” Such a boyfriend would not be pushing you to engage in sex outside of marriage.

A real Catholic man takes the Commandments and virtue seriously. A real Catholic man who has “well developed morals” would not do the things he is doing and saying.

He isn’t a man who is serious about his faith, serious about helping you get to heaven. He is certianly not marriage materials.

It’s time to end this relationship.

 

[1ke]

Additionally, I’m in a particularly difficult situation because the repression is beginning to take a toll on our relationship and I’m faced with the burden of realizing that perhaps my antiquated lifestyle will be the cause of ending a relationship with someone I could very realistically envision spending the rest of my life with.

A) You are not antiquated.
B) Why would you want to envision spending your life with someone who pressures you to do things he knows violates your conscience and your faith?
C) Why would you want to marry someone who does not faithfully practice the Catholic faith?

We’re young. We’re in college. But we’re mature and love one another

With all due respect, no you are not mature if this nonsense is continuing on. Mature love does not pressure another person to violate their conscience. Mature love is not selfish as his is. Mature love does not feel guilty for doing what is right before the Lord. Read 1 Corinthians 13 for what real love is all about.

Still, I don’t know if he is mature enough to swallow the fact that we are both going to graduate school and won’t be on our feet for at least 5-7 years

If all the other problems were not in place, you should still not be dating if you are not ready to get married right now. Dating is for the discernment of marriage. If you cannot realistically get married for 5-7 years, then do not date anyone.

Please help me make my boyfriend understand why I am so sexually strict by explaining why premarital oral sex, and sex, is wrong. I need more concrete support than my own personal reasons.

You cannot make him understand this. He is Catholic, if he wants to be a good one he needs to get his butt to confession, resume the sacraments, study the Catechism, and practice virtue. If he wants to do these things, he will find his answer. You cannot argue and convince him into a new way of being. He is either serious about his faith or he isn’t.

 

[06convert]

My wife and I watched a Christopher West DVD. I would recommend his audio recordings or even DVDs. You can purchase them of course, or ask around your church or diocese offices, sometimes they have them you can borrow. He explained things so clearly and it helped answer so many questions about relationships. It helped my wife and I out greatly. I can only imagine it would help out a dating couple as well. It answered so many of the questions that you may have. So many of us know what the teachings are, but have no idea why. This will answer so many of them.

 

[raaucoin]

If he knows you and loves you, why isn’t stating your beliefs enough? Do you really have to “justify” your morals? From what you shared it sounds like continuous attempts to try and change your mind. Shouldn’t someone who loves you and wants an intimmate(emotional not just sexual) be accepting of anothers morals and values- not just hell-bent on changing them? And more, shouldn’t two people interested in that kind of relationship SHARE the same morals and values?

 

[RastaPasta]

True Friendship:

Sirach 6 14-17

A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter;
he who finds one finds a treasure.
A faithful friend is beyond price,
no sum can balance his worth.
A faithful friend is a life-saving remedy,
such as he who fears God finds;
For he who fears God behaves accordingly,
and his friend will be like himself.

I guess that your very well developed moral code “Catholic” boyfriend must have missed that part of scripture (along with the part that states that virginity and chastity are blessed by God).

 

[MedStudent]

The whole problem with the situation is in the title: “Help me justify my morals to my boyfriend.” You shouldn’t HAVE to! While it may be ok for you to have differing opinions on a variety of different issues, your body is your body. If he takes issue with that simple fact then that should raise a red flag. Maybe I got the wrong kind of vibe from the situation, I really hope I did.
When an adult relationship that lasts over a year, there must be some sort of talk about marriage. I am not of the opinion that you must be ready to marry right away in order to date, but I do believe that when you hit the one year mark you have to be able to talk about where the relationship is going, and if its not going in the direction of marriage you need to think about ending the relationship.
I would suggest you talk to your boyfriend about the direction of your relationship. And be honest with each other. If you decide you want to continue the relationship, make an appointment to talk to a priest from your campus ministry. He will be able to guide you both on your journey.
And finally, pray about it!

 

[caro5]

Thanks for asking this question and seeking to be good!

He doesn’t buy the sex-must-be-for-procreative-ends argument, and frankly, that’s not really my reasoning either. So if you all could offer arguments besides that, I would very much appreciate it. I recognize the church’s stance on that and its validity, but I would like additional/different support if you can offer it, please.

This is the heart of the issue. You were made by God, who knows you inside and out, better than you know yourself. He knows what will make you most happy, what will make you thrive, and it’s his way or a less happy way, because he created human nature. God’s purpose for sexuality is clear: It is meant as a total, unreserved, fearless gift of self (1 John 4). Total, because you give your whole self, unreserved, because you give your fertility, and fearless, because you’re married and your spouse promised to stand with you forever.

Fertility. Sex is about fertility as much as it is about bonding, and it’s designed so that, ideally, only people who love each other have babies. Love creates life, which is as it should be. Sex is equal parts union of the couple and the fruit of that love–new people! This is essential, and all coherent reasons for pre-marital abstinence are derived from it.

I am not okay with anyone but my future husband seeing my body. For me, oral sex would be like giving part of myself away, and I want to give all of myself away one day, to one person.

Good, that’s as it should be! Think about this, too: oral sex is not good enough. It’s permissible only if it leads to vaginal intercourse, which is permissible only if you’re married. Otherwise, you’re not giving yourself and so you’re not loving.

When I tried to explain this to my boyfriend, he seemed to think that what I meant was that I wanted to be “above reproach” in the sense that I wanted to hold the upper hand by being above criticism and invulnerable.

This is bad. A good man wants to help you get to heaven. Imagine yourself before God explaining why you’re not above reproach. Take it from an engaged guy: Bad boys really are bad.

These conversations are very difficult to have because there is a bit of an unspoken understanding of the potential longevity of the relationship, so it is hard for me to explain this in terms of my reasons being for “my future spouse” because it sounds as if I am holding out on him so that I can be fresh goods for someone else. I hope that is understandable to all of you.

Yup. I’ve been engaged for fifteen months, and we’ve got six to go. It’s tough, but it’s worth it. You’ll be unhappy otherwise.

I just want to help him understand why my conscience is so adamant in this respect. I have difficulty articulating to him the reasons why I feel so compelled to do this. In most cases, he seems to think that the benefits oral sex would have to our relationship as an expression of love would outweigh the potential harm. Can you help me explain to him why this is wrong?

Yes. Re-read how you summarized his position. It’s patently selfish. He is having a hard time being good and caring about what’s good for you. Oral sex would not be an expression of love. If he loves you, he must crucify his own desires and wait until you are married and can have real sex.

Additionally, I’m in a particularly difficult situation because the repression is beginning to take a toll on our relationship and I’m faced with the burden of realizing that perhaps my antiquated lifestyle will be the cause of ending a relationship with someone I could very realistically envision spending the rest of my life with.

It is not antiquated, and it is repression only if you over-stimulate each other with prolonged kissing. If you don’t go window-shopping, you won’t think about buying things. Mutatis mutandis, if you don’t kiss too much…

Other posters should be gentler. The issue at stake is grave, but it seems that you both should read and pray more about the beauty of God’s plan for sexuality and why it is inextricably linked to marriage, children, healing, and salvation.

To that end, check out Jason Evert, John Kippley, Gregory Popcak, and Scott and Kimberley Hahn. Not a big fan of Christopher West. Also, read 1 John, 1 Corinthians, and maybe Song of Songs.

Keep your heart set on heaven.