Help me--moral dilemma with Health Care directive!

[JCPhoenix]

Please help me…I don’t know how best to handle this.

Several years ago I worked in mental health and worked with a woman who became a very good friend. In that time period she asked me to be one of her proxys on a health care directive and I agreed as at the time we largely agreed as to what was appropriate.

I think that for the most part we still do.

Anyway, I lived with her just after she purchased her first house for about 3 years. She knew me at some of the lowest points of my life…including while I was pretty much wallowing in sin. I had a boyfriend and did pretty much all the things secular culture thinks is appropriate.

Even after I left we remained friends, although not as close. But when we get together we always have a good time.

This friend is the ultimate moral relativist. She sees nothing wrong with her friends’ gay lifestyles, has no problem with lots of premarital sex, etc., etc. As far as she knows right now these are not issues for me. She knew me best when I was in agreement with her.

I have to say though, that I was never entirely comfortable with those issues but that’s a different story.

Anyway, the last time we were together we thankfully had enough “good” things to talk about so we avoided any issues that I knew would bring up conflict in our values.

She sent me a copy of her Directive tonight, as she updates every so often to keep it current and to be sure everyone has a copy.

I can’t agree to it; I can’t be her proxy anymore; she wants to have “artificial” feeding (ie via tube), WITHHELD including both nutrition and water if she is in a state from which she is not likely to recover. (Can we say Terri Schiavo all over again?)

I can’t agree to this. I think most of it is OK, but I really want to find someone to go over it with in detail, and I will look for someone in my local area.

How do I deal with this? This woman has been through a lot. I’ve met her mother, and long story short…I see why my friend is asking for strong-willed people to stand up for her when it counts most. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I have much of a backbone.

And she is a Social Worker, worked in a nursing home and she has seen a lot…I have seen a lot also, but not regarding those at the end of their lives. I am not well versed enough to be able to withstand the arguments I know will come from her.

Here is what I am afraid of:

That I will handle this wrong and our friendship will end.
That I will handle this wrong and SHE will feel rejected as she has been by her own abusive family.
That I will handle this wrong and lose the chance to glorify God and help someone change the way they view life and religion.

My friend has no religion. She once went to St.Joan of Arc with me in Mpls and admitted at that time it was far too “Liberal” for her as well, so I know there’s hope for her!

How do I bring this up appropriately, open the discussion and still support her wile telling her that I cannot follow her directive in regards to that matter and in fact will be obliged to do my best to be sure she continues to recieve food and water?

I have been crying since I recieved this horrible document I agreed to so long ago.

HELP!

 

[otm]

Honesty conveyed with love rather than a baseball bat often goes far. If she truly rspects you as an individual, she should respect you when you say that you could not, in good conscience, follow the directive. You dont’ have to beat her up; it isnt about telling her she is morally wrong; it is about telling her you have certain moral standards and you could not comply.

Bottom line: 1) you need to be honest about this; 2) if she is truyly a friend she will understand and accept your refusal to fill the position; 3) if she doesn’t, she is more of an acquaintance than a friend, and if you lose her, you are not losing a friendship; you are losing an acquaintenance.

Coupled with that is this thought: often when we grow angry with what someone else says (that is, takes a moral stance which is moral, as opposed to immoral), the reason we are angry is because we know we are not rising to the moral level we should; we are angry that they are holding the mirror up for us to see ourselves as we really are.
Holding up mirrors is not a bad thing; ultimately it may induce them to change. It may cost us the perceived friendship, but what does true friendship consist of: truth or fiction?

 

[Pecheur]

JCPhoenix:

That I will handle this wrong and our friendship will end.
That I will handle this wrong and SHE will feel rejected as she has been by her own abusive family.
That I will handle this wrong and lose the chance to glorify God and help someone change the way they view life and religion.
HELP!

Peace. The truth in love will set you free. Show her what you wrote. Teach her your sincerity. Pray to our Lady.

 

[JCPhoenix]

I was at mass this morning and spoke with the presiding priest, who also happens to be my SD–and teh hospital chaplain.

He was completely unhelpful, sad to say. Of course I couldn’t go into any detail, but he didn’t even seem to understand why this was an issue for me. He asked me, “is she sick now?”

What difference that THAT make? (other than whether the situation is immediate or hypothetical as it is now). The fact is that I can’t honor her wishes and I have to admit I feel like I’m betraying her.

It seems that most of it is OK, but this particular issue, especially in the recent light of Terri Schiavo…well, I won’t sit there and tell the doctors it’s ok to starve my friend to death if she’s in a coma.

Father just told me that I should do “what’s in my heart” regarding the entire thing. I had also asked him for some resources to look over the entire document with me and identify any other potential conflicts…if I’m goign to have a discussion at all with her I need to know what I’m talking about.

She respects facts more so than faith, so to tell her something is against my faith is not a complete answer to her.

There’s no doubt that I’m going to get my name off that document, but in the meantime there I am, listed as the first “agent” and I’m praying to the Lord to keep her safe and sound! Not just now, but always.

 

[JP2Admirer]

I would say that this might be God’s way of calling you to witness to Him. To love is to honor the truth. As well, to be a true friend is to honor the truth. You cannot truly love someone if you are ill concerned with the truth.

I would suggest avoiding an argument, and simply telling her that you have specific views on the dignity of life. You feel that food and water for the incapacitated is never extraordinary means, and that it would weigh upon your conscience too heavily in the event that she became incapacitated, if you had to give that directive. I think she would respect your conscience in that regard.

She shouldn’t expect you to do something that you feel is unethical, and if she does, she’s not respecting your freedom of conscience.

Also, if she likes to deal in facts, there are some very good philosophical principles out there in defense of the dignity of life. Just come to these boards if she confronts you with questions about your morals, there are more than enough smart people on here to help you defend your stance.

Just remember to be compassionate. And you can throw all this advice out the window if you want, since it is much easier for me, an anonymous person on a message board, to give advice when I don’t have to face the real life situation.

Remember too, the words of Pope JP2 and “Be not afraid!”

 

[JP2Admirer]

You also asked for documents that would help you with debating her, if the time comes.

Definately read *Evangelium Vitae. *Here is a link:

vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_25031995_evangelium-vitae_en.html

Also, for something a little more philosophical, I would recommend reading the first chapter of Robert George’s Clash of Orthodoxies. Professor George establishes a principle of “false dualism” which defines the dignity of human life as long as it is in a “mere living body.”

I have to warn you, though, that this principle is highly technical, and you may have to read through it a couple of times to wrap your head around it, (I know I had to.)
I will give you the gist of it, but I recommend reading it from him, since he does a much better job of it than I ever could.

Basically, he says that you cannot separate the unitary being of man. We consist of body and soul, and for those who are secular and don’t want to accept the notion of a ‘soul’ (as your friend may well not), they tend to separate the human being into “body and person.”

Essentially, Professor George says you cannot separate the two without creating a false dualism that is inexplicable.

If you only recognize the “person” then you inexplicably deny the “mere living body” its dignity, since “persons” as we know them are all linked to a body. (As Catholics we know there are spiritual persons, but most atheists won’t admit to this. If they do, then you can admit the dignity of the person based on theology, but that’s another argument.)

If you say the “person” is a separate reality, you have to prove it. Since no “person” is without a body, the person has to be linked to the body.

If you deny that there is a “person” and that we are just “mere living bodies,” you are unable to explain the rational process you just took up in identifying yourself as a “mere living body.” This is what Professor George calls false dualism.

This fits your dilemma, because to deny an incapacitated person food, is to deny them their dignity as a person. If they have a living body, it must be treated as a person. Again, I recommend going directly to Robert George’s book, as he explains this better than I ever could. But there are two starting places for you.

 

[JCPhoenix]

Thank you, everyone, for your responses.

I have not spoken with her yet.

I know this will go 1 of 2 ways; she will just accept what I tell her and will remove my name;, or she will ask why, a discussion will ensue and she will try to sway me to her secular way of thinking where God is not present. This second possibility is what I need to prepare (and pray) for because either way I think this conversation will take place at some point.

Unfortunately, one challenge is this: she is the sort where if the opinion expressed does not match hers, it is not a valid opinion. That is just her way. I also know her well enough to know there is more to her than that and seeds can be planted, so all of you please pray for me.

Thanks for the links and the recommendations…I will check them out.

Of course I hope only to speak with her in love because any other way is adversarial and that is unproductive. My friend is a good, if misguided person and really has never truly experienced Christ. Please keep her in your prayers.

I will let you know how it goes when I do talk to her…likely within the next couple of days.

ANd keep the advice coming! I need all the advice anyone is willing to offer!

 

[Lux_et_veritas]

Jesus taught us with all simplicity intended. Often times we get confused because we ourselves introduce complexity into a situation. We fail to shed the layers of complexity to get at the simple truth. You have done this and you see the simplicity of what God has revealed to you and I suggest following what is truly in your heart, which is to follow and be a witness to truth.

I’m including an excerpt from a letter I sent to Pope Benedict after he kicked me (with love and compassion) in the seat of my pants. It was a letter of thanks. When he spoke of relativism and how we are following many winds of doctrine, he snagged me in the net that he cast. I had a huge discovery moment where I realized that all of my life I’ve been bending the compass needle to suit a direction that I wanted to go. Following the compass needle where it resides is a path of pain and difficulty at times as it is the way of the cross. It also gives way to true joy though as well. I learned something about how I must approach things now that God has blessed me with an understanding of Truth and how to see it and live it. I’ll leave you with a segment of that letter I sent to him.

Hopefully, this will help you with your decision, but always remember, all we do should be done out of love and compassion.

*"Every action Pope John Paul II took, right to his last breath, was a gentle lesson to be observed and learned from. I know it will be so with you as our Holy Father. I am already learning from you how to protect myself and to defend our faith with love and respect. As Pope John Paul’s words, “Be not afraid!” echo through my head, I now see that you and your predecessor chose to not be afraid when faced with the evil element of your time, despite life-threatening risks. I see today that those of us in nations without civil strife or religious persecution must confront the evil elements of our day with only the threat of unpopularity. *

In witnessing the verbal attacks against you, in the media and in public, I have further learned from your example, that I will need to accept the awkwardness that comes from going against the grain of that popularity in living my faith and defending Truth within me and around me. My fort is undefended without Truth. With it, may be the possible loss of friendships, persecution, insults, and unjust comments. I hope to accept it with all the tranquility, love and patience that you have shown in defending our Catholic faith. Jesus told us, it would be so. "

Be strong and be a witness to Truth, in the name of Jesus Christ Our Lord. In Him, and in Him alone, seek your comfort, my friend.

O sancta simplicitas! - Oh, holy simplicity! (Jan Hus)

 

[jennstall]

JCPhoenix:

Thank you, everyone, for your responses.

I have not spoken with her yet.

I know this will go 1 of 2 ways; she will just accept what I tell her and will remove my name;, or she will ask why, a discussion will ensue and she will try to sway me to her secular way of thinking where God is not present. This second possibility is what I need to prepare (and pray) for because either way I think this conversation will take place at some point.

Even if she is argumentative, she’ll likely remove your name in any case because if she is really serious on that particular directive, she won’t want to take the chance that you wouldn’t go through with it. Of course, it would be really wonderful if she rethougth that particular part of it and removed it instead of you. That would be a real breakthrough.

 

[JCPhoenix]

jennstall:

Even if she is argumentative, she’ll likely remove your name in any case because if she is really serious on that particular directive, she won’t want to take the chance that you wouldn’t go through with it. Of course, it would be really wonderful if she rethougth that particular part of it and removed it instead of you. That would be a real breakthrough.

I’ve actually been praying in front of the Blessed Sacrament for just this miracle!

My friend never had any religious upbringing. She considers herself Christian, I think, but she isn’t a “believer” as we would all recognize. She is lost.

But as we all know nothing is hopeless and I know that she is a force to be reckoned with…but she is like chaff in front of the Lord. Can you imagine what a person like her could accomplish iif God sees fit to use her as a moutpiece for him?

I’m also a realist and I know that God tends to work on his time, not ours…so I’ll speak with her and pray that God pull the veil back and fill her heart so that those seeds can be planted. I know that what she may say to me or the rejection she may have for what I say is going to be her knee-jerk response, but when she has time to think maybe she’ll reconsider.

I don’t think I’ll sway her to the culture of life, but if she can at least find some value in faith in the Lord, then the door may open enough for mercy to enter and change her.

I am starting to see this (thanks in part to all of you) as a special gift from God that he planned long in advance. I just pray I will likve up to his expectations and that he puts the words in my mouth.

 

[JCPhoenix]

Well, I did it.

I got ahold of my friend today, but only after leaving a message this morning that I was going to ask her to remove me from the form, asked for a call back so I could explain directly.

So while I was out walking the dog she called but didn’t leave a message. At least I knew then she was home! So I called her back right away while praying ot Jesus for his help.

We chit-chatted a little, and then she asked in her condescending way, “So what’s the problem?” (She has a tone of voice reserved for situations where she expects to be "proven"right again. I’ve known this woman for many years and I know all her tones.

Anyway, I explained that I read over her most recent copy and that as she wants food/water withheld, I can’t agree to that as it is against my beliefs. I explained further that with my name on the form it is the same as saying that I agree with what she is doing and I can’t agree.

She explained that there are times when the body is shutting down and that it’s “cruel and unusual” to continue feeding.

I explained to her that in cases where the body is shutting down, then indeed food cannot be processed and in fact is withheld for this very reason and the person dies within hours. However, what she had listed was not consistent with this circumstance only and I could not follow what she has outline because I am against it. I do not believe food or water should be removed.

She told me that she needed me to be 100% on board with her on this. I explained that I can’t be, although I would do what I could in her circumstances should they ever arise, to help her other agents.

She interrupted me and blurted out, “So what you’re saying is that you don’t respect my beliefs enough to follow my wishes.”

I responded to her, “H., I can’t compromise my own beliefs on behalf of yours.”

She said, “I need to trust that you’ll be 100% on board with my wishes; you can’t just pick and choose what you want to follow.”

I explained to her that I realize this and that is why I am asking her to remove my name from the form.

She shot back, “Yes, I’ll remove you. Goodbye” and she hung up.

She wasn’t even open to a discussion. I never got a chance to plant any seeds. She apparently didn’t even want to agree to my request and then continue with a conversation regaridng something else.

Ironic that the woman who loves to pick and choose what she believes has a different standard for everyone else. Moral relativism at it’s worst.

Please pray for my friend.

 

[Lux_et_veritas]

I responded to her, “H., I can’t compromise my own beliefs on behalf of yours.”

Wow! The Holy Spirit was at work here, my friend. It took courage to do the right thing.

Be at peace because a true friend would respect your not wanting to violate your own beliefs. In charity, she should have said, “I understand”.

 

[JCPhoenix]

The Holy Spirit was definitely at work, and for that I’m very grateful.

While I was out walking the dog, before I reached H., as I approached home a Christian song on a new CD I got today had words to the effect of, “Whatever happens I know you’re there,” It was actually more specific but it gave me confidance to enter this “battle.”

Yesterday I had gone over to the church, for what I thought would be confession…but I ended up meeting 2 women from the charismatic prayer group I’ve recently become a part of and they both gave me great advice and prayed with me (I’m not very comfortable with spontaneous public prayer), but it was EXACTLY what I needed…others to help me call on the power of the Holy Spirit and to ask that he speak through me.

I actually had a sense of peace after that which had not been there before.

And after my conversation with H., I left to go back over to the church. There is no adoration during masses, but the chapel is open and Jesus is still in the tabernacle. I needed to go to him.

Anyway, just as I arrived at the church, it was time for the consecration…by a priest who was ordained yesterday CELEBRATING HIS VERY FIRST MASS. I went in to the main sanctuary and knelt down in the back, thanking Jesus for his timing of all the events of the last few days. I also offered my prayers on behalf of H at that very moment…a very powerful time to offer prayers for someone.

Since I already went to mass today and I had missed most of this one, I went into the chapel after the sign of peace and wouldn’t you know it, the second I knelt down I burst into tears.

It’s so painful sometimes to do what is right. I don’t know what hurts more…to be rejected, to have my feelings twisted into a lie and shot back at me, or to realize that this friend maybe has never really been a friend…or maybe she didn’t know what friendship was? Or the thought that she’s so caught up in the darkness of moral relativism that she has no knowledge of God?

Anyway, thank you everyone for all your help and advice. Now it’s in the Lord’s hands and only he can effect her conversion.