Help me stop complaining

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Just_wondering

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My boyfriend and I made a vow to each other to stop complaining.

Recently, he’s been working overtime and I’ve been dealing with frustrations at work, and we’ve both been extremely short of money. We don’t see each other often because we live 90 minutes apart by train and with the way my boyfriend’s shifts work out, he rarely has time off when the train is running. This situation of working long hours and rarely seeing each other, in combination with being away from our families, has led us to spend a lot of our phone time being negative.
“How was work?” “You don’t want to know.” “Go on, tell me.” “well, :mad: my boss said this and :mad: …”

We’ve both realized this is kind of unhealthy and we don’t like the people we’re going to turn into if we don’t stop. So how do we stop?

I guess I want tips. Have you given up complaining? How did you do it? Where do you draw the line between making a comment and complaining? For example, I don’t like winter. If I say, “brr, it’s cold!” is that a complaint or merely an observation? Is it mostly tone of voice? Or the expectation of someone commiserating with me? If someone asks how I’m feeling and I say I’m tired, is that complaining or stating a fact?

And when you do realize that you’re being negative, do you have some way to remind yourself not to do it? I was thinking of creating a “negativity jar” like the swear jar my parents had when I was a kid. Maybe put $1 in it for genuine complaints, like “I hate my boss” and 50 cents in for borderline complaints like “I tossed and turned all night.”

I’m generally a positive person, but I’m not in a place I like in my life. I really want to quit my job, move to another country, and marry my boyfriend, but we’ve agreed to honour our commitments and wait until the end of our employment contracts this fall. In the meantime, I want to focus on the good things in my life, not on the things I have plans to improve but have to wait for.

Sorry, :rolleyes: I may have been rambling, but if anyone has any ideas, please let me know.
 
Well why not talk about the good things in life? For example, one that is you have each other and a job, which many people DON’T.

You want help on how to stop complaining ? Lol, this is a new one. There is nothing wrong with complaining, though I guess there is if you constantly complain, complaining when tired or angry is normal, and if your jobs are hectic, then before jumping on the phone to talk with each other, say a prayer or something after each work day.

Bound to get you calm. Talk about the future.

Blah.
 
I think you should try focus on waiting for the Fall (as you say) when things will get better.Also, think about the good things. If you didn’t have enough food and money,or if you were very sick, you’d be sadder. So be happy for all the blessings God sent you! And winter is almost over, too, so maybe you’ll feel better in spring. I kind of know how you feel, though, because I have to go to school and do exams this summer, and I don’t like that, either.But it helps a lot to try be happier.🙂

Also, maybe you could pray to the Little Flower? She nevercomplained, even when she was sick.
 
3 suggestions:
  1. weekly confession
  2. daily Rosary
  3. read about some folks who have experienced genuine hardship - saints, refugees, folks who have really suffered. I used to complain a lot than it occured to me after talking with some “old timers” I knew who escaped out of Ukraine in '45 and some who escaped out of Hungary in '56:
  • I have had to live with friends, but I have never been homeless
  • I have worn old shoes, but always had them
  • I have argued with my parents, but I grew up having them and they always loved me
  • at times I have only had PB&J for lunch, some ramen noodles, oatmeal, baked potatoes or something off the dollar menu at a fast food joint… but I have never been hungry
  • I have had old clothes and shabby coats, but never been without clothes
  • I have argued with friends and gotten frustrated with them, but I have always have them…
When you consider all these things you remember there are a lot of people who have been homeless, shoeless, without a coat, without friends, without parents, without ANY food…

Gratitude in realizing daily what blessing I have when to some they don’t appear to be much and to others it appears to be paradise… Well it is tough (though not impossible) to complain much after that.

Keep praying
 
Keep a little notebook, and everytime you complain or get irritated - write it down immediately and keep track of how long you have been complaining or being irritated for this instance.

I have started couple of weeks ago, and it helps a lot. The main key is to pray for better communication for recognization of our own faults and our own impatience – it is one of many requirement to a healthy relationship.
 
When we look at Jesus hanging on the cross, and His passion we can really don’t have anything to complain about do we?
 
Dear Just Wondering,
My experience is somewhat tangental,but maybe helpful.Many years ago,I became aware of how often I would speak.Once aware, it was very difficult to ignore,it was embaressing.I made a determined effort to stop speaking so much,and as a concequence,realized how very little I had to say.It was a lesson that periodicaly I need to revisit.I’m thinking that perhaps there might be some application to your situation.I relize that your main communication with your boyfreind is by phone,but it might even work there as well.I am a veteran of long distance romance (by phone) and I know there was many hours worth of nonsencical talk with my girfreind,now my wife.Proverbs has lots to say about wayward mouths which is where I got my idea from.Good luck!
 
My wife actually gave up complaining for lent! Not working by the way! 😃 Try to be patient with God. I mean, when you are complaining it is either about bad decisions you’ve made, or your state in life. it sounds like you are complaining about your state in life mostly, but you also seem to be a prayerful person from your post, and so you must be following God to the best of your ability. if you are following God (as I think you are), then why complain about where He leads you? His will is the best thing for you, but that doesn’t mean that it is always the most fun. focus on the good he has given.
Side note- the problem with complaners (my wife included) is that no amount of advice will suffice. If I tell her to look on the bright side, she complains about not having any sunglasses. only you can decide to change your outlook and be content wit hwhat you have. even if what you have isn’t alot, its still yours, and you must be a steward of it. cherish the time you actually spend with your boyfriend instead of focusing on the time you’ve lost and the worst you will have is happy memories.
Hope this helps, Glen
 
Philippians 4:8

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Sometimes I just get tired of the complaining, so I stop. Sometimes that means I don’t have anything to say at all!! I believe it was Thumper’s mom in Bambi who said, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Proverbs 17:28 Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise;
when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.
 
Dear JustWondering -
You’re talking to a professional complainer. If they paid money for it, I’d be rich - rich I tell you ! If you find the key to this one, you’ll be rich ! It’s only human. But here’s a thought - whenever you’re on the verge of complaining about something, treat it like we would suffering. Stop short, and instead of the complaint offer up not saying it to God - for the souls in purgatory, the suffering of the world - whatever.

I don’t mean to sound like a Pollyanna here - but the thought just hit me. Maybe, that’s how I can curtail some of it myself. Good luck to both of us.
 
Complaining has become a real problem for me…interfering with relationships. Soooooooo…I went to this website and ordered these bracelets. It really has helped…that along with a great deal of prayer. I still slip but it is better and the bracelet is a good reminder. GOOD LUCK!

acomplaintfreeworld.org/
 
Out of every thing you find to complain about, try to find something good.

When I tire of doing dishes or laundry, I try to thank God for food and clothes.

When someone is mean to me, I say a prayer for them and ask God to change their heart and thank Him for continuing to work on mine.

When you feel lonely, thank God that you have family and friends; there are many who have nobody. And remember that you have the entire communion of saints praying for you!

When you find frustrations at work, thank God you have a job; and pray for those who don’t.

I also learned a long time ago from a very wise boss that I couldn’t just go dump a problem or frustration on him, He would listen to an issue, but I had to go in with at least three ways to remedy the problem. Then I needed to make one of three choices:
  1. Accept the problem as it is, and give up the right to complain about it.
  2. Strive to change the problem with one of the three proposed solutions, or another one we came up with together.
  3. Leave the problem, whether it’s a job, a relationship or whatever.
This has helped me in many situations in life.

Also, your daily frustrations can be offered to God for the salvation of souls! Don’t waste your suffering!
 
water said:
Keep a little notebook, and everytime you complain or get irritated - write it down immediately and keep track of how long you have been complaining or being irritated for this instance.

I have started couple of weeks ago, and it helps a lot. The main key is to pray for better communication for recognization of our own faults and our own impatience – it is one of many requirement to a healthy relationship.
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Wow, this is really great wisdom! I can hear my counselor saying something like “if you’re complaining a lot about it, you should probably figure out what it is that bothers you so you can do something about it”. Sure, we all need to vent sometimes, but complaining doesn’t really solve much.

I have a friend who rarely complains and never says anything mean about people behind their backs. I don’t know how he does it, but I sure would like to emulate him.
 
Thanks, everyone, for your advice! I’ve complained a bit today, but I cut down on it and I’m trying to take responsibility for the problems I’ve brought on myself (like letting the gas get cut off yesterday).
I guess I’m going to start a three-pronged approach.

  1. *]When coworkers start complaining, I’m going to stay silent instead of contributing, or walk away if it’s possible.
    *]When I’m frustrated about something that I can change or that is temporary, I’m going to try to say something positive about the outcome I’m hoping to achieve. For example, instead of feeling negative about the dirty dishes, I’ll say aloud how pleased I’ll be to have a clean kitchen when I’ve washed them.
    *]When I’m upset about something I have no control over, I’m just going to say a little prayer for patience. When my boss calls to say that I’m late for a meeting because the schedule was changed and I wasn’t informed, I’m just going to pray for patience.

    And I’m going to start a journal about the complaints, although I’m going to have to work hard to keep it as positive as possible. I don’t wear bracelets, but I like the idea of a constant physical reminder in the style of the “complaint free world” bracelets that LoverOfChrist suggested. I have a pair of “thumbs up” earrings that my boyfriend gave me, so I’m going to consider them the physical representation of the pledge, and use them to remind myself to be positive.

    I like the “accept it, change it, or leave” advice. Unfortunately, I can’t leave at this time (due to visa issues and money issues) so I’m going to narrow the choices down to accept it (and pray) or change it.
 
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