Help me to sort out this mess I am in . My health and relationship and life in general is in chaos

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Faithfullyyours

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C. I met and subsequently started a relationship with a man 15 years ago . He was just over a divorce and i had just lost my mum after a long illness . I didn’t realise I was doing anything wrong at the time as I thought he would eventually marry me 4 years later I was gifted with my child . I was emotionally available for him but he as never there for me . I ended up buying a house with his encouragement . He could not afford this on his own . . He never helped me with my child sat with us or went out with us . everything to keep him happy but I was slowly dying inside . I realised he would never marry me and gradually my wanting this died also .i started to have a lot of health problems . He said he’d look after me . He never did . I fought every day myself . , as when I was not up to cleaning he was very angry at me even though it was all I could do to breathe and look after my childIf I’d received some semblance of love I feel I would have got better quicker . Now I am left with 3 chronic autoimmune diseases and I get through this with the help of God and my prayers . I have given all of myself to keeping him happy and looking after my child and giving her the happiest life I could by pretending . It took a crisis when his father got ill ( he lives on his own ) and we had a problem with mice . He blame me for not keeping the house clean ! . I encouraged him to stay with his father and he gladly went pretending to everyone he was looking after him but I knew he was only looking after himself as he would be in a tidy house and get his sleep . I felt abandoned and my already shattered nerves were tested beyond limits as my child was terrified and we could not get rest or peace from the noise of the mice . In the meantime he stopped talking to me but kept control by appearing at our home and then leave to stay in his fathers . All the while not giving me an ounce of help and me having to ask neighbours to lift the dead mice etc . . Lately though my child has exhibited angry outbursts and last night became very anxious as I had encouraged her to go in to her own bed and that the mice were gone . But was so upset . My child said your home should be somewhere you can feel safe but admitted fear of her father and his anger towards ne and is afraid of him hurting me more as he is so emotionally detached . I am heartbroken that all these years I tried to do right by my child by keeping the peace even though I was so broken inside . I feel a shel, of the person I once was . And he has taken every good part of me and now I am unwell and my child is so unhappy I have done the wrong thing . He has just come in again and I am counting the hours until he goes again . He feels he has a claim in my child and my home . I feel sorry for him that he never knew how lucky he was . But when that little mouse the tiniest problem came in to my home and I wasn’t supported . I know I would never be supported with anything big . Please be kind and help me . I know he would say I am depressed and anxious and now agoraphobic but I feel he has caused this . . I deserved better and. Want to make it right for me and my child .
 
Call the St Vincent dePaul Society in your area and tell them you need help finding a new place to live.
They will give you assistance, but you must get this man out of your life.
Do you go to church? What has the priest counseled you to do?
You must end this, walk away.
You are fortunate that Social Services has not removed the child from your home. Get help. It’s out there. Don’t delay!
 
As Clare said, GET HELP.

You are in a bad place.

You need to find out how to be an adult on your own. This includes handling pest problems like an adult. There is nothing special about the male anatomy that makes them more able to handle mice.

This man never committed to you, period. He is no more than a friend, and one who sounds willing to use you at that.

Change the locks. Get professional help.
 
Being a slave to someone else’s anger will strip you of your self esteem and happiness…and health.15 years of emotional abuse is a long long time.Do seek the help the other posters recommend and also find a psychologist
to help you help yourself and your daughter.Stay strong,and God bless.
 
Thank you for the help . I don’t understand what you mean re social devices . I have brought up my daughter and dobe my utmost to provide the best possible start in life . She is the most beautiful loving grounded and talented child you could meet . The reason I am asking for help and advise is because I do not want my unhappiness affecting her any longer . Please be kind . I have little support and if I could go to the priest I would but I am afraid to share this with anyone . I am not going to leave my home and I am not going to disrupt my child’s life . Yes it has been a long time and I really don’t know what emotional abuse is . But I take it this is what has been happening . However it is not normal and I need strength and support not more abuse . As for the rodent problem I have handled it as an adult and taken care of it and every other problem I have had to face in 15 years . Iv been so stupid . Iv done it all myself and had this adult child to deal with on top of all that .
 
Maybe I have had bad advise in the past like ’ well at least he’s there ’
 
Yes Claire I do go to church he does not my faith is everything to me I am worried by what you said and where is the help ??
 
St. Vincent de Paul Society. They are a charitable group in nearly every Catholic church. I wasn’t criticizing you. I was telling you where you could find assistance.
 
Thank u but you said I am lucky that social services have not removed my child from my home . This is worry that I do not need at the minute on what grounds could they do that . Please be kind I have always been kind to others and most esp my child and the adult child who has caused my upset and need to talk and look for help and advise
 
Faithfullyyours said:
and what you mean re social devices . I have brought up my daughter and dobe my utmost to provide the best possible start in life . She is the most beautiful loving grounded and talented child you could meet . The reason I am asking for help and advise is because I do not want my unhappiness affecting her any longer . Please be kind . I have little support and if I could go to the priest I would but I am afraid to share this with anyone . I am not going to leave my home and I am not going to disrupt my child’s life . Yes it has been a long time and I really don’t know what emotional abuse is . But I take it this is what has been happening . However it is not normal and I need strength
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The idea that social services only removes miserable children is a fallacy. They will remove children from any situation in which greater harm will come. Allowing an abusive person to remain in their lives and allowing them to live in a situation where they could be put in danger. Leaving rodents around for others to deal with could easily get social services attention.

Your child notices the fights. Children are not stupid. You’re pretending only is causing her further harm. You both need professional therapy.

It’s not being unkind, it’s your reality. It’s a very scary reality.

You do not need to leave your home so long as you are willing to do anything necessary to keep this abusive man from your home and your child. If you cannot do that your only option is to leave.

Right now everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING in your life is in jeopardy, including your access to your own child. Given that you lived with her father for years he could easily ask a judge for partial–or even full custody if you don’t get your act together.

I do not tell you this to upset you or to make you despair, but so you realize the desperate gravity of the situation. You need legal help, you need professional psychologist help and you need spiritual help as well as financial help.

It would be extremely wise of you to contact a domestic abuse hotline and make a plan of action because things may seem bad right now, but they could get worse, very, very quickly.
 
This is the last thing I would want . I will seek legal advise on the grounds of emotional abuse . He has never had any part of her life and would be very unfit to care for her . I know this is not going to be easy I just want what is best for my child . Rodents were def not left lying around . I dealt with the situation by going to the correct people to deal with it . Thank you
 
YOU are the homeowner. You are the correct person to deal with it.

It’s vital that you take responsibility for these things. In a court of law, running to a neighbor or friend to deal with typical homeowners issues can make you appear incompetent. You do not need that in your life.

Remember, having been witness to the fights your daughter is also considered an abuse victim. However, having lived with her father her entire life will mean that the courts are going to expect him to be involved–which will begin at 50% unless you have professionals who advise that this would not be healthy for her.

Custody is a brutal battle these days. You have very little on your side right now. You have to think of this as a crisis that could take your child from you…because that’s what it is.
 
I had an infestation of mice this Winter,where I live they were in plague proportions .I was in tears at times,disinfecting floors,shelves,throwing out food,blocking holes, hearing them chewing in the walls at night.And I was healthy.It would have gotten way out of control if I were unwell,and being berated.The cats were sick of them.By the end of Winter everyone was sick of mice,finally they died out.
It only takes about three bad things to be happening and life can feel dreadfully out of control.
 
The St. Vincent de Paul Society is available in most metropolitan areas. A more widely available resource is Catholic Charities (office in every Diocese) and the Knights of Columbus (they exist even in very small, rural parishes).

I’d bet you a dollar that the Knights would be willing to come over and seal up your house. Get rid of the entry points for mice, throw some bait up in your attic/crawl space and that is taken care of.

Catholic Charities can help you find counseling.

Prayers.
 
All I meant was that if she goes to school and says he is screaming at you (you wrote that in your post) they might call the authorities. My daughter did this against her father, and they called CPS on us.
They found nothing at the time, food in the fridge, nice mom, etc.
But anyone who might hear her say she is frightened, even at church could report him. That’s all I meant. I on;y got all that from what you wrote

Peace. Signing out. Hope you find a solution soon. God bless.
 
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Thank you it is an awful feeling and tortuous at times through lack of sleep and fear . Constantly cleaning and washing and looking . Thank god through many prayers they are gone .
 
Thank you I suppose I am on edge with worry . I am not the only one to go through this I know but it is helpful to know people’s stories as it may help me .
 
May I just add there has never been physical abuse but emotional abuse only
 
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