Help me understand: update on kidnapped children

[Just_wondering]

Well, my boyfriend is finally in telephone contact with his kidnapped kids. He doesn’t know where they are, but his ex-wife is allowing him to speak to them on the phone, under some very strange conditions.

Here are her conditions: if my boyfriend visits his ex-brother-in-law every day to report his activities, his ex-wife will call the xbil’s phone from an unlisted number and allow the children to speak to my boyfriend. However, she will only allow it if he has no communication with any women, spends no time with friends of either gender, and sends her 75% of his paycheque to support the kids he’s supposed to have custody of. She also wants him to live with xbil until further notice, rent free, so he can afford to send her that much money, and so xbil can confirm that he’s meeting her demands.

I am trying to pray for this woman, who left her family and didn’t contact them for two years, and then decided to kidnap the kids back out of the blue. I am having so much trouble understanding why she’s doing it. Maybe it’s good that I don’t understand - I think she’s seriously twisted - but I think it would be easier for me to pray for her if I did.

I can come up with a few different theories of why she’s doing this, but none of them make any sense to me.

1. 
   *]She heard about our impending engagement, and regretted the end of her marriage to him. She decided to try to reconcile. When that didn’t work, she decided to kidnap the kids to force the issue. But if so, why is she trying to prevent him having friends? That would be abusive and controlling in a spouse. It’s not likely to make him agree to try again.
   *]She heard about our impending engagement, and realized that he’s likely to take the kids out of the country. Although she hadn’t wanted the kids before, the thought of never being able to see them again scared her, so she kidnapped the kids and is hiding them to prevent him leaving the country with them - but if so, why is she in contact?
   *]She heard about our impending engagement, and is still bitter about the divorce and annulment. She doesn’t want him to have any happiness, so she kidnapped the kids and is trying to use them as a tool to hurt him and end our relationship. But after the divorce, why would she care what happened to him?
   *]She has totally lost her mind. She doesn’t want him, but she doesn’t want anyone else to have him either. She kidnapped the kids so she can control him. But why did she stay away for two years, if that’s the case?
   
   I don’t know, maybe I should stop wondering why she’s doing this. I’m praying for her, but not very charitably: “Lord, please help keep the children safe, and comfort them in this stressful time. Oh yeah, and help the ex-wife with her mental stability or whatever it is that’s making her do this. Please open her heart and let her bring the children back.” I’d like to be more understanding, but her behaviour is so controlling and abusive, I just can’t find any compassion for her.
   
   Can anyone help me understand?
   
   PS: my boyfriend can’t possibly send her that much money, but he’s trying to meet some of her demands so he can talk to the girls and know they’re okay. He’s still planning to fly out there after his next payday to look for them - I wish one of the girls could tell him where they are, but they’re only 6 and 4, and their mother is standing over them as they talk on the phone. Please continue to pray for them.

 

[Guitar]

No, no glimmers of understanding here, JW, just prayers for you all.

The worst ex-spouse behaviour I’ve seen is from three who didn’t want to rekindle the relationship at all. Maybe she is out to “get” him, the children are the perfect and only way to grab complete and instant control over him and as he has legal custody the only way she can use the children is to do something illegal? Your relationship might not have anything to do with it, but then it might, who knows.

The three I’m thinking of did everything they could to screw up their ex’s lives for as long as they could, mostly through the children (even a disabled child). One ex went as far as dragging the new gf’s parents’ finances (in another country, even) through the court trying to prove he was socking money away through her and her parents. Another dragged his former mil and my husband as a family friend into it in ways that would take too long to type but were just acts of bastardry. Preventing new relationships didn’t seem to have much to do with it though. I think the vitriol level would have been the same regardless - the new bf or gf was just another convenient tool in the manipulation game. All three stopped short of clearly breaking the law, though, they were smart enough to not get that carried away with revenge. Seems your bf’s ex has crossed that line, big time.

It’s good to hear that at least they haven’t come to any physical harm, and I pray he can find them ASAP.

:console:

 

[chevalier]

The woman is insane. Record the conversation (he can ask her to “restate her conditions”) and show it to the police.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I vote for #4. She is insane. I agree with chevalier. Do they have a Radio Shack in the Phillipines? He needs to have the police trace the call as well- without her knowledge of course. Just because the number is unlisted and undisclosed does not mean it can’t be traced, evento a degree on a cell phone.

Her conditions are crazy, as the poor man hasn’t been to work in how long? He has nothing. And her BIL is aiding and abetting, so the police should lean on him as anaccessory.

This is simple “TV” stuff and stuff from dealing with a nutty ex-spouse and an evn nuttier ex-son-in-law. I am not a lawyer.

 

[Just_wondering]

Thanks for the replies. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks she’s insane! I’m praying he can get the kids out of the Philippines to a place where she can’t have access to them. Especially if the police do charge her - then hopefully she won’t be able to get a passport, and her influence will be severely limited.

I don’t know exactly what my boyfriend’s doing about the phone-tapping thing - xbil’s phone is a cellphone, and I’m sure she’s using a calling card service, which usually goes through a routing service in a different city or country. I’m sure it’s traceable, but I don’t know the details. This is all going on internationally - he’s still here in Korea, and she’s somewhere in the Philippines. I suspect my bf hasn’t reported it to the police there yet, because they’re corrupt and he doesn’t have a safe place to take the kids. But then I could be wrong - I’m only getting sporadic updates when xbil-the-stalker isn’t around.

Thanks, Guitar, for the reassurances that it probably isn’t about me. I hate wondering if I was indirectly responsible for this psychotic episode. She’s certainly trying to drag me into it, and my bf is trying to keep me out of it as much as he can. Today on MSN Messenger I got a pop-up that his ex-wife added me to her contact list, so obviously she found out who I am. I didn’t block her (in case we can trace her that way) but I didn’t allow her to see my status either. (She must have hacked into my boyfriend’s e-mail account. Apparently using your children’s birthdates as a password isn’t very secure. Parents, take note.)

She certainly seems crazy to me.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

As a citizen of another country, you be very careful!!! I htink you should report all this to the Canadian embassy or counselate, if XBIL is stalking* you*. These people are NUTS.

 

[Just_wondering]

Hmm… I hadn’t thought of that, OutinChgoburbs, but I’m definitely going to do that. XBIL has never seen me and doesn’t know where I live, thank God. However, if the ex-wife has my e-mail address, she has probably seen my profile picture and almost certainly knows my name, since my e-mail address is my name. Doh! :doh2:

 

[Guitar]

As a citizen of another country, you be very careful!!! I htink you should report all this to the Canadian embassy or counselate, if XBIL is stalking* you*. These people are NUTS.

Ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto. The ex-bil is as nuts as she is if he’s a willing party to international criminal behaviour involving kidnapping of children plus possibly stalking on top of it. I wasn’t sure from your initial post whether he knew anything about all this or not, but it sounds as though he does.

I hope “the authorities”, whoever they are in this case, give your bf all the support he needs.

 

[BlestOne]

Well by the msn email thing she knows about you… but it may not really have much to do with you. Sounds like she is doing a few things here… grubbing for money (which may mean she doesn’t have much, i.e. may be easier to get kids back), trying to control her ex… some peeps are just like that, my dh’s ex was friendly to me until we got engaged… then she started trying to control both of us through their daughter (all of a sudden I wasn’t allowed to drive step dd home, she would try to impose groundings and rules at my house, etc…) or she may just be totally psycho… What does concern me is that her brother seems to be cooperating with her… What does he have to gain by this? Always ask what the gain is… it seems to me that since he lives closer to your bf than she does, he has been feeding her info… why? Find out who is on your side and who is on hers before you speak to anyone about any plans to get the kids back… just my 2 cents…

 

[Just_wondering]

Well by the msn email thing she knows about you… but it may not really have much to do with you. Sounds like she is doing a few things here… grubbing for money (which may mean she doesn’t have much, i.e. may be easier to get kids back), trying to control her ex… some peeps are just like that, my dh’s ex was friendly to me until we got engaged… then she started trying to control both of us through their daughter (all of a sudden I wasn’t allowed to drive step dd home, she would try to impose groundings and rules at my house, etc…) or she may just be totally psycho… What does concern me is that her brother seems to be cooperating with her… What does he have to gain by this? Always ask what the gain is… it seems to me that since he lives closer to your bf than she does, he has been feeding her info… why? Find out who is on your side and who is on hers before you speak to anyone about any plans to get the kids back… just my 2 cents…

Thanks, Blest. We know somebody must be feeding her information, but her brother didn’t live near my boyfriend until after the kids were kidnapped - he just moved. My boyfriend is devastated at the thought that some friend or acquaintance might be cooperating with his ex-wife. As a result, he isn’t discussing the situation with anyone but me. His friends know something’s wrong, and are righteously indignant that he’s not seeing much of me, thinking he’s breaking up with me. They keep calling to comfort me, and I wish I could tell them the truth.

I don’t know what xbil is gaining from this. Family loyalty? Seriously, if a sibling of mine asked me for help stalking their ex, I’d get them professional mental help, not move five hours away to be closer to the target. Family ties are stronger in Filipino culture, but I wouldn’t have thought it extended to stalking. Beating him up I’d understand. Is she paying him? It doesn’t make sense if she’s trying to get money out of my boyfriend - where would she get the money to pay him? Especially since I know my boyfriend isn’t in any position to make her rich, even by Philippine standards. I just don’t know.

 

[Ray_Scheel]

Here are her conditions: if my boyfriend visits his ex-brother-in-law every day to report his activities, his ex-wife will call the xbil’s phone from an unlisted number and allow the children to speak to my boyfriend.

This arrangement strongly suggests that the ex-bil is calling the ex-wife himself to make the report, which means her number is (probably) going to show up in the recent calls list on the ex-bil’s phone, which your boyfriend will be holding when he is talking to his kids. After going to the police, I’d suggest practicing how to access the call log with a similar phone / provider, then asking his BIL for some privacy when he’s talking with his kids so he has a minute to go though the log and see who/what number BIL has been calling and thus give himself / the police places to look.

 

[kage_ar]

IF the laws of that country treat this as kidnapping, then, the police will have picked her up in a few hours. Pre paid calling card patforms record the telephone number from which she is dialing, unlisted or not.

Perhaps the law there sees this as a custody dispute instead of kidnapping? If that is the case, he would be advised to retain a lawyer and work this through the legal system.

While you love this man, there are serious reasons for parents not to have a romantic relationship with a new person until the children are grown.

Prayers for all involved.