Help me. (What to make of my sins.)

[Mixolydian]

I need answers. My backstory, as I’m aware, is grievous and offensive, but I am seeking Christ. I am legitimately scared about not being able to find Him though.

I’ve struggled in following my faith to the fullest extent. I’ve struggled with an addiction to Pornography/Masturbation/Orgasm for about 5 years.
It was about 2 and a half years ago I realized something needed to change, and I’ve tried various things to help me out of it, it’s been an up-and-down process which I’m still working at. I KNOW Porn and Masturbation are considered Mortal sins in the Catholic faith.

TWO DAYS AGO, I was totally on autopilot. Totally just going to town. I could sense my conscience, feel the Spirit, urging me to stop. Not only did I not listen, I feel like I might have said something that made of fun of my conscience or something about God that just isn’t in line (as a way of ignoring it and allowing myself to just keep going.) I don’t remember my exact words or thoughts though, just that they were almost blasphemous.

Of course I felt guilty. That night, I finally turned to praying the Rosary (something I hadn’t done in a very long time) and while I was praying it, the thought came to mind, ***did my words/thoughts earlier today count as blaspheming the Holy Spirit? ***

Since then, nothing has seemed right. I am trying to recover a sense of sacredness in my life. Even in the midst of my addiction, I felt this certain spiritual sensitivity to God and to the world around me, and now it doesn’t seem to be there. This is how I’ve been feeling. Part of me is definitely missing. I feel like I’ve lost my salvation, that I can never be forgiven because of that. Have I committed the unforgivable sin in ignoring and mocking my conscience like that?

The only thing that’s giving me hope is I’ve noticed since I did that rosary, the last two days I’ve seemed to have this sense of self-control I didn’t before. It is only two days, (not the 3 months that its said to take to get clean) but I’ve been doing remarkably better with not leading myself into temptation. I would like to call that Grace.
The thing is, though, I suspect I might be doing this to save my own hide, and not out of genuine love for God, even though these past 48 hours have been among the most devout in my entire life, because I feel that abnormal and that broken.

I obviously should go to confession for the masturbation thing, but if I really blasphemed the most Sacred Spirit, is there hope for me? I’m scared for my soul. Please at least shed light on my situation. I’m human. I’ve failed before but I’m not sure it’s even quite been like this. I’m scared. I want Jesus. Can I find him? I’m scared. I’m scared.

 

[Spritus1]

Please be at peace. Go to confession as soon as you can. Keep up the rosary daily. Jesus wants to heal you and He is the only one who can. Satan wants you to despair; to think that you are beyond God’s help. That is not true.

Try to receive the Most Holy Eucharist regularly; It is the ‘medicine’ we need to heal and strengthen us. Along with prayer the Eucharist gives us life. Aim to go to Mass 2-3 times per week if you can. If you fall, get back up, go to confession. Ask Jesus for the grace of a stronger faith and for His help to root out sin. Above all Trust. Persevere. You will do it.

No one is beyond God’s help. No one.

Jesus **IS **Mercy.

 

[tawny]

Please be at peace. Go to confession as soon as you can. Keep up the rosary daily. Jesus wants to heal you and He is the only one who can. Satan wants you to despair; to think that you are beyond God’s help. That is not true.

Try to receive the Most Holy Eucharist regularly; It is the ‘medicine’ we need to heal and strengthen us. Along with prayer the Eucharist gives us life. Aim to go to Mass 2-3 times per week if you can. If you fall, get back up, go to confession. Ask Jesus for the grace of a stronger faith and for His help to root out sin. Above all Trust. Persevere. You will do it.

No one is beyond God’s help. No one.

Jesus **IS **Mercy.

Well stated.

 

[Spritus1]

Just a few more thoughts. Even if you prayed just to “save your own hide” as you say, do not worry. This is itself a sign that you recognise God. That is a very good start. Even if at first we don’t love Jesus, just the desire to do so is a powerful prayer that God can and will work with. Keep asking for the grace to love Jesus. Persevere. “Ask and you shall receive, knock and the door WILL be opened”. **Keep **knocking. God knows our weakness and has pity, that is MERCY, on us. The more broken we are can God show HIS power to save us. Jesus came **FOR **the broken, the sick, those made sick by sin.

Do not be afraid!! God is with you even now; If he wasn’t you would cease to exist. You are alive because God wants you to be. He wants to heal you; ask HIM for the grace and the time. Take it day by day, be patient, persevere. Go before the Lord in the Blessed Sacrament and show him your pain, your brokenness. He knows these already but wishes us to recognise the depth and extent of it. This is the first step to healing. Acknowledging it and admitting that ONLY the Lord can heal us is humility. God can work with humility as His Word constantly proves to us.

A nice prayer is “Lord Jesus, Son of God, have MERCY on me, a sinner”. Read about St Faustina and Divine Mercy.

From the depths of your misery God WILL raise you up. In His good time and in His way.

In confession it is Jesus Himself who speaks through the priest. He revealed this to St Faustina. It is an **extremely **powerful and healing sacrament. Trust and believe in Jesus who acts through the priest. If you are absolved by the priest then that means God **has **forgiven you. Be totally honest in confession even if you find it humiliating for the greater the humiliation you feel i.e. the greater you allow yourself to be humbled, the greater graces you will receive.

Ask St Faustina to help you to have a light on Jesus’s Mercy.

Be at peace.

 

[Catholic1954]

I need answers. My backstory, as I’m aware, is grievous and offensive, but I am seeking Christ. I am legitimately scared about not being able to find Him though.

I’ve struggled in following my faith to the fullest extent. I’ve struggled with an addiction to Pornography/Masturbation/Orgasm for about 5 years.
It was about 2 and a half years ago I realized something needed to change, and I’ve tried various things to help me out of it, it’s been an up-and-down process which I’m still working at. I KNOW Porn and Masturbation are considered Mortal sins in the Catholic faith.

TWO DAYS AGO, I was totally on autopilot. Totally just going to town. I could sense my conscience, feel the Spirit, urging me to stop. Not only did I not listen, I feel like I might have said something that made of fun of my conscience or something about God that just isn’t in line (as a way of ignoring it and allowing myself to just keep going.) I don’t remember my exact words or thoughts though, just that they were almost blasphemous.

Of course I felt guilty. That night, I finally turned to praying the Rosary (something I hadn’t done in a very long time) and while I was praying it, the thought came to mind, ***did my words/thoughts earlier today count as blaspheming the Holy Spirit? ***

Since then, nothing has seemed right. I am trying to recover a sense of sacredness in my life. Even in the midst of my addiction, I felt this certain spiritual sensitivity to God and to the world around me, and now it doesn’t seem to be there. This is how I’ve been feeling. Part of me is definitely missing. I feel like I’ve lost my salvation, that I can never be forgiven because of that. Have I committed the unforgivable sin in ignoring and mocking my conscience like that?

The only thing that’s giving me hope is I’ve noticed since I did that rosary, the last two days I’ve seemed to have this sense of self-control I didn’t before. It is only two days, (not the 3 months that its said to take to get clean) but I’ve been doing remarkably better with not leading myself into temptation. I would like to call that Grace.
The thing is, though, I suspect I might be doing this to save my own hide, and not out of genuine love for God, even though these past 48 hours have been among the most devout in my entire life, because I feel that abnormal and that broken.

I obviously should go to confession for the masturbation thing, but if I really blasphemed the most Sacred Spirit, is there hope for me? I’m scared for my soul. Please at least shed light on my situation. I’m human. I’ve failed before but I’m not sure it’s even quite been like this. I’m scared. I want Jesus. Can I find him? I’m scared. I’m scared.

Do not be afraid; be on your way to confession, TODAY. You should also think about going to confession on a regular schedule until you can overcome this problem; a more active prayer life and Mass during the week (if you can make it) will also help.

 

[Ignatius]

I need answers. My backstory, as I’m aware, is grievous and offensive, but I am seeking Christ. I am legitimately scared about not being able to find Him though.

I’ve struggled in following my faith to the fullest extent. I’ve struggled with an addiction to Pornography/Masturbation/Orgasm for about 5 years.
It was about 2 and a half years ago I realized something needed to change, and I’ve tried various things to help me out of it, it’s been an up-and-down process which I’m still working at. Please at least shed light on my situation. I’m human. I’ve failed before but I’m not sure it’s even quite been like this. I’m scared. I want Jesus. Can I find him? I’m scared. I’m scared.

Many people you may not think would be, are addicted to pornography. Pornography is the new drug and so many are addicted This may help:
youtube.com/watch?v=5kvzamjQW9M

youtube.com/watch?v=Tad9Q9OFjJw

youtube.com/watch?v=Fqw0npgXFw8

You are not alone, see the tracts on Catholic Answers about breaking free from pornography.

 

[randirhoades]

All the answers here have been great. Do not despair. God hears your heart. Just by confessing on here about your problems is a HUGE step on the right path. And I agree. Don’t let Satan let you feel what you are feeling.

Sometimes, and even myself do not give credit to God’s tremendous mercy. Jesus talked about it all through scripture.

I would also seek counseling with a Catholic Therapist for your issues. I have one and she is wonderful. Prayer works miracles but God also uses people, places and things…to help us in our way back to Him.

Take heart and be at peace, plus, be encouraged. Jesus loves you and will Never let you go. It’s us that let go…

Ex-Director of a mental facility… Love, Sheila (real name)

A prayer for you about God’s Mercy…And it’s all true.

From A Catholic Prayer Book

Saint Catherine of Siena (1347-1380)

Merciful Lord, it does not surprise me that you forget completely the sins of those who repent. I am not surprised that you remain faithful to those who hate and revile you. The mercy which pours forth from you fills the whole world. It was by your mercy that we were created, and by your mercy that you redeemed us by sending your Son. Your mercy is the light in which sinners find you and good people come back to you. Your mercy is everywhere, even in the depths of hell where you offer to forgive the tortured souls. Your justice is constantly tempered with mercy, so you refuse to punish us as we deserve. O mad Lover! It was not enough for you to take on our humanity; you had to die for us as well. In Jesus Name I pray.

The “O Mad Lover means that God is crazy in love with us”. An ArchBishop wrote that analogy.

 

[Mixolydian]

Thank you all and God bless you for your replies.

I went to confession today (well technically yesterday, as it’s past 1 AM here). I snagged the priest after a morning Mass and he was kind enough to hear my confession. Afterwards, I was administered the Holy Eucharist and later this evening I went to an Evening Mass and so I received communion twice. I’ve been doing my rosary and doing the St. Michael prayer.

So, I’m still having trouble feeling forgiven. I’m still not completely at peace. I’m still sort of scared — I do believe in the forgiveness and redemption of Christ, but my anxieties were stemming/are stemming from the idea i might have committed what Jesus described as the Unpardonable sin.

I’ve looked up a lot of stuff up online about what Jesus might of meant in the Gospels and most of them do point in my favor, that I haven’t committed the unpardonable sin. As good as that is to hear, part of me just can’t shake it off. I still feel very wounded and sometimes I want to say I even feel sort of alone (even though i believe God is with me everywhere.)

Anyway, it’s still bad enough that I’m scared and it’s preventing me from sleeping like it was the other night. If any/all of you could pray for my peace, that would be amazing. Is there any thing else I can look at or read? Thanks.

 

[Spritus1]

Know that this anxiety you feel comes from the enemy. He wants you to doubt God’s Mercy and he encourages such doubts. He wants you to despair. He wants you to give up on God and the Sacraments.

My advice would be to go to Eucharistic Adoration. Sit before the Lord. Rest there. Be still and silent. Let Jesus do His work. Let God be God. With confession, Mass, prayer you have done your bit. Now trust in Jesus’s promises e.g. “though your sins be as scarlet…”.

Put thoughts about unpardonable sin out of your mind. Jesus wanted you at confession. Otherwise you wouldn’t have been there. Therefore having obeyed the prompting of the Holy Spirit (for that is what is going on here) you have done what you should and could. You can do no more. Remain in a state of grace. Keep up your prayers. Keep up regular Mass. The Eucharist and Confession contain awesome power that is immense and sufficient. There is nothing that they lack.

Try praying the Divine Mercy chaplet particularly daily at 3pm but at other times also. Rejoice and give thanks that God, knowing our weakness has given us these means of returning to and remaining in His love.

Relax. Do your best.

As St Pio wisely advised “Pray, Hope and Don’t Worry”.

 

[Joy2day]

… find it humiliating for the greater the humiliation you feel i.e. the greater you allow yourself to be humbled, the greater graces you will receive…

Hi! I have read what you have said here and I remember another poster previously saying that they asked for some ‘humiliation’ from God in order to become holier etc. and… I really just don’t get that. I am not saying that a person should not confess their sins accurately in the confessional, however I don’t see how exposing yourself to mental / emotional cruelty is the path to holiness. Maybe I have not experienced this yet, and certainly if I did, it would not have been of my own choosing. I understand self denial and fasting are good things to do in the pursuit of spiritual growth - but willingly putting humiliations on yourself? Not sure about that one… ps. where is this in the teaching of the church?

 

[Spritus1]

Hi. It is the experience of many of the saints that accepting and enduring humiliations in an attitude of meekness, even though these humiliations may be unwarranted and undeserved is helpful in the journey towards holiness/sanctity.

Many saints modelled themselves on Our Lord during his life and particularly His Passion when He endured endless humiliations meekly when He need not have. The humiliations He suffered were totally unwarranted yet Our Lord remained like a lamb, silent and without retort or retaliation. Jesus is our perfect model.

This does not mean we need to seek out humiliations. We find countless instances in everyday life (at least I do:shrug where little humiliations seem to come along. By bearing these humbly even when we are blameless we imitate Our Lord and advance in virtue. The same can be said for all the virtues. Humility is known as the queen of virtues as without it all others are all but impossible to practice/acquire. Our Lady’s humility is rightly highly regarded.

As our whole aim is to come to resemble Our Lord (to become Christified) in as much as it is possible for us as lowly creatures to do then we should take Him as our template not least in His humility; “learn of me for I am meek and humble of heart”.

Have a look at St Charles of Sezzes’ autobiography as this saint, to name but one exemplifies this constructive use of humiliations.

 

[Mixolydian]

Thank you all for your replies.

I’ve been trying to receive the sacraments regularly. I think I’m making progress on my addiction and I totally want to attribute that to God.

The whole “blasphemy against the Holy Spirit” thing is still half-bothering me. There’s still something off about me. I don’t feel the same. I’ve had moments where I want to say I’ve truly worshiped God, but I haven’t been feeling close to Him. I want to so badly, I’m so starved for Him. I need Him so badly.

Would He shut me out if I’ve been trying my hardest to repent? I want to be in His kingdom, counted among His number. I want that, and I believe that. Would He reject me? How do I get past this feeling of uncertainty, and of quasi-abandonment?

Thanks,
Mix.

 

[InNomineDomini]

The whole “blasphemy against the Holy Spirit” thing is still half-bothering me.

Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is, basically, dying without repenting of your sins. You’re clearly not dead, so you haven’t committed it.

I wouldn’t worry so much about trying to figure out the state of your soul based on your feelings. Keep it objective by going to Confession, making a good one, and taking to heart the priest’s words of absolution.

Keeping everything on a subjective level is not really a Catholic way to think about things. In fact, I’ve heard it said that subjectivity is the root of Modernism, which has itself been called a synthesis of all heresies.

It can be claimed that, if you go to many parishes, line up 50 different people, and ask them which dogmas and doctrines they accept, you’ll see almost all teachings denied over the course of your interview. This is why Modernism is a synthesis of all heresies, and, again, making truth subjective can be seen as a root of it.

 

[Spritus1]

I think you would derive great benefit and comfort from reading St Faustina’s Diary. In it she speaks powerfully about God’s Mercy, the Divine Mercy.

God’s Mercy is boundless, infinite and unfathomable. All He asks is that we turn to Him. In Love. And even if we cannot as yet love, He even accepts our desire to love Him. That is how good He is.

 

[Mixolydian]

Wow, thank you so much. The EWTN link really helped explain things and helped me see them in a way I hadn’t before, and I surely need to have greater faith in the Divine Mercy. Thank you especially Spiritus1, for so committedly responding to this thread.

I need to just keep trying and trust in God. God bless you all. This means so much to me that you have reached out to encourage and console. Thank you.

 

[InNomineDomini]

Glad you’re feeling a bit better, Mixolydian!

By the way, I assume you’re a guitarist? It seems no one in the general culture mentions musical modes unless they’ve learned about them via the guitar!

 

[Mixolydian]

InNomineDomini

The link was super helpful, I had read it once before but there was a lot I missed the first time. The thing that got me was the “therefore” bit of the scriptures, seeing that in the Greek it translates to “Through this” really struck me and helped me understand what was happening in the Gospels. Thank you so much for that!

btw, I’m not much a guitarist, but I’m a musician who knows some theory. I’ve always found the modes super interesting, and one of the reasons is because our Western understanding of them comes from Gregorian Chant.

 

[josh987654321]

.

Jesus to Catalina:

The Passion - loveandmercy.org/Eng-TP-Reg.pdf
(Roman Catholic Imprimatur)

**Contemplate My wounds and see if there is anyone who has suffered as much as I, to show their love…

Contemplate for a moment these bloodstained hands and feet… This naked body, covered with wounds, with urine, and blood. Dirty… This head punctured by sharp thorns, soaked in sweat, full of dust, and covered in Blood…

Contemplate your Jesus, hanging on the Cross, without being able to make the slightest movement… naked, without fame, without honor, without liberty…

Contemplate Me in the image of the Christ that weeps and bleeds. There and in this way the world has Me.**

http://s24.postimg.org/s91lh9u91/Crucifixion.jpg
The Gospel of Luke:

34 And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” And they cast lots to divide his garments.

Jesus to St. Faustina

"Tell the world about My mercy and My love. The flames of mercy are burning me. I desire to pour them out upon human souls. Oh, what pain they cause Me when they do not want to accept them! My daughter, do whatever is within your power to spread devotion to My mercy. I will make up for what you lack. Tell aching mankind to snuggle close to My merciful Heart, and I will fill it with peace. Tell [all people], My daughter, that I am Love and Mercy itself. When a soul approaches Me with trust, I fill it with such an abundance of graces that it cannot contain them within itself, but radiates them to other souls…" (Diary, 1074)

"Souls who spread the honor of My mercy I shield through their entire lives as a tender mother her infant, and at the hour of death I will not be a Judge for them, but the merciful Savior. (21) At that last hour, a soul has nothing with which to defend itself except My mercy. Happy is the soul that during its lifetime immersed itself in the Fountain of Mercy, because justice will have no hold on it." (Diary, 1075)

"Write this: Everything that exists is enclosed in the bowels of My mercy, more deeply than an infant in its mother’s womb. How painfully distrust of My goodness wounds Me! Sins of distrust wound Me most painfully." (Diary, 1076)

Divine Mercy Image - St. Faustina

http://s28.postimg.org/746uzccbx/Divine_Mercy.jpg

Jesus to St Faustina

"My Heart overflows with great mercy for souls, and especially for poor sinners. If only they could understand that I am the best of Fathers to them and that it is for them that the Blood and Water flowed from My Heart as from a fount overflowing with mercy." (Diary, 367).

**“I never reject a contrite heart.” **(Diary, 1485).

"…when you go to confession, to this fountain of My mercy, the Blood and Water which came forth from My Heart always flows down upon your soul and ennobles it. Every time you go to confession, immerse yourself entirely in My mercy, with great trust, so that I may pour the bounty of My grace upon your soul. When you approach the confessional, know this, that I myself am waiting there for you. I am only hidden by the priest, but I myself act in your soul. Here the misery of the soul meets the God of mercy. Souls draw graces solely with the vessel of trust. If their trust is great, there is no limit to My generosity. The torrents of grace inundate humble souls." (Diary, 1603).

http://s28.postimg.org/6bvy5pai5/Prodigal_Son.jpg
Jesus to Catalina:

The Passion - loveandmercy.org/Eng-TP-Reg.pdf
(Roman Catholic Imprimatur)

**I want to teach sinners that because they have sinned, they should not distance themselves from Me thinking that they no longer have recourse and that they will never be loved as before they sinned. Poor souls! These are not the feelings of a God who has shed all His Blood for you. Come to Me all of you and fear not, because I love you. I will cleanse you with My Blood and you will be as white as snow. I will drown your sins in the water of My Mercy and nothing will be able to snatch from My Heart the Love that I have for you. **

How to Pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy

Jesus to St Faustina -

"Let the greatest sinners place their trust in My mercy. They have the right before others to trust in the abyss of My mercy. My daughter, write about My mercy towards tormented souls. Souls that make an appeal to My mercy delight Me. To such souls I grant even more graces than they ask. I cannot punish even the greatest sinner if he makes an appeal to My compassion, but on the contrary, I justify him in My unfathomable and inscrutable mercy. Write: before I come as a just Judge, I first open wide the door of My mercy. He who refuses to pass through the door of My mercy must pass through the door of My justice…… (Diary, 1146).

Sacred Heart of Jesus - St Margaret-Mary Alacoque

http://s15.postimg.org/uc0cy5a0r/st_margaretmary2.jpg

Jesus to St Margaret-Mary Alacoque

**"Behold this Heart which has loved men so much that it has spared nothing, even to exhausting **(Crucifixion) and consuming itself (Last Supper, Eucharist) in order to testify to them it’s love."
Jesus to Catalina:

The Passion - loveandmercy.org/Eng-TP-Reg.pdf

13) My children, poor sinners! Do not distance yourselves from Me. I wait for you night and day at the Tabernacle. I will not reproach you for your crimes; I will not throw your sins in your face. What I will do is to wash you with the Blood of My wounds. Do not be afraid; come to Me. You do not know how much I love you.

Please continue to next post -

 

[josh987654321]

Please continue to next post -
Extract from the book 'The Dolorous Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ' by Anne Catherine Emmerich:

The Dolorous Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ - jesus-passion.com/THE_PASSION.htm#CHAPTER XIV
(Roman Catholic Imprimatur and Nihil Obstat)

**CHAPTER XIV

The Despair of Judas**

Whilst the Jews were conducting Jesus to Pilate, the traitor Judas walked about listening to the conversation of the crowd who followed, and his ears were struck by words such as these: ‘They are taking him before Pilate; the High Priests have condemned the Galilean to death; he will be crucified; they will accomplish his death; he has been already dreadfully ill-treated; his patience is wonderful; he answers not; his only words are that he is the Messiah, and that he will be seated at the right hand of God; they will crucify him on account of those words; had he not said them they could not have condemned him to death. The miscreant who sold him was one of his disciples, and had a short time before eaten the Paschal lamb with him; not for worlds would I have had to do with such an act; however guilty the Galilean may be, he has not at all events sold his friend for money; such an infamous character as this disciple is infinitely more deserving of death.’ Then, but too late, anguish, despair, and remorse took possession of the mind of Judas. Satan instantly prompted him to fly. He fled as if a thousand furies were at his heel, and the bag which was hanging at his side struck him as he ran, and propelled him as a spur from hell; but he took it into his hand to prevent its blows. He fled as fast as possible, but where did he fly? Not towards the crowd, that he might cast himself at the feet of Jesus, his merciful Saviour, implore his pardon, and beg to die with him,— not to confess his fault with true repentance before God, but to endeavour to unburden himself before the world of his crime, and of the price of his treachery. He ran like one beside himself into the Temple, where several members of the Council had gathered together after the judgment of Jesus. They looked at one another with astonishment; and then turned their haughty countenances, on which a smile of irony was visible, upon Judas. He with a frantic gesture tore the thirty pieces of silver from his side, and holding them forth with his right hand, exclaimed in accents of the most deep despair, ‘ Take back your silver—that silver with which you bribed me to betray this just man; take back your silver; release Jesus; our compact is at an end; I have sinned grievously, for I have betrayed innocent blood.’ The priests answered him in the most contemptuous manner, and, as if fearful of contaminating themselves by the contact of the reward of the traitor, would not touch the silver he tended, but replied, ‘What have we to do with thy sin? If thou thinkest to have sold innocent blood, it is thine own affair; we know what we have paid for, and we have judged him worthy of death. Thou hast thy money, say no more.’ They addressed these words to him in the abrupt tone in which men usually speak when anxious to get rid of a troublesome person, and instantly arose and walked away. These words filled Judas with such rage and despair that he became almost frantic: his hair stood on end on his head; he rent in two the bag which contained the thirty pieces of silver, cast them down in the Temple, and fled to the outskirts of the town.

175

I again beheld him rushing to and fro like a madman in the valley of Hinnom: Satan was by his side in a hideous form, whispering in his ear, to endeavour to drive him to despair, all the curses which the prophets had hurled upon this valley, where the Jews formerly sacrificed their children to idols.

It appeared as if all these maledictions were directed against him, as in these words, for instance: ‘ They shall go forth, and behold the carcases of those who have sinned against me, whose worm dieth not, and whose fire shall never be extinguished.’ Then the devil murmured in his ears, ‘Cain, where is thy brother Abel? What hast thou done?—his blood cries to me for vengeance: thou art cursed upon earth, a wanderer for ever.’ When he reached the torrent of Cedron, and saw Mount Olivet, he shuddered, turned away, and again the words vibrated in his ear, ‘Friend, whereto art thou come? Judas, dost thou betray the Son of Man with a kiss?’ Horror filled his soul, his head began to wander, and the arch fiend again whispered, ‘It was here that David crossed the Cedron when he fled from Absalom. Absalom put an end to his life by hanging himself. It was of thee that David spoke when he said: “And they repaid me evil for good; hatred for my love. May the devil stand at his right hand; when he is judged, may he go out condemned. May his days be few, and his bishopric let another take. May the iniquity of his father be remembered in the sight of the Lord; and let not the sin of his mother be blotted out, because he remembered not to show mercy, but persecuted the poor man and the beggar and the broken in heart, to put him to death. And he loved cursing, and it shall come unto him. And he put on cursing like a garment, and it went in like water into his entrails, and like oil into his bones. May it be unto him like a garment which covereth him and like a girdle, with which he is girded continually.”

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[josh987654321]

Continued:

Overcome by these terrible thoughts Judas rushed on, and reached the foot of the mountain. It was a dreary, desolate spot filled with rubbish and putrid remains; discordant sounds from the city reverberated in his ears, and Satan continually repeated, ‘They are now about to put him to death; thou hast sold him. Knowest thou not the words of the law, “He who sells a soul among his brethren, and receives the price of it, let him die the death”? Put an end to thy misery, wretched one; put an end to thy misery.’ Overcome by despair Judas tore off his girdle, and hung himself on a tree which grew in a crevice of the rock, and after death his body burst asunder, and his bowels were scattered around.
Jesus to Catalina:

The Passion - loveandmercy.org/Eng-TP-Reg.pdf

(Roman Catholic Imprimatur)

**2) After Judas handed Me over in the Garden of Olives, he wandered off and took flight, unable to stifle the cries of his conscience, which accused him of the most horrible sacrilege. When the news of My death sentence reached his ears, he gave in to the most terrible despair and hanged himself.

1. Who can possibly understand the intense pain in My Heart when I saw that soul cast himself into eternal damnation? He who had spent three years in the school of My Love learning My doctrine, receiving My teaching, and many times hearing My lips forgive the greatest sinners.
2. Judas! Why do you not come and throw yourself at My feet so that I may forgive you? If you do not dare to come near Me for fear of those who surround Me and so ardently abuse Me, at least look at Me and you will see how soon My eyes will fix on you.
3. Souls, who are entangled in the greatest sins… If at times you have lived wandering as fugitives because of your crimes, if the sins of which you are guilty have blinded you and hardened your hearts, if in the pursuit of some passion you have fallen into greater disorder, do not allow desperation to take possession of you when the accomplices to your sin abandon you and your soul realizes its guilt. As long as man has an instant of life, he still has time to appeal to My Mercy and implore forgiveness.
4. If you are young and the scandals of your past life have left you in a state of degradation before men, do not be afraid! Even though the world may despise you, treat you as wicked, insult and abandon you, be certain that your God does not want your soul to be fodder for the flames of hell. He wants you to dare to speak to Him, to direct your gaze and the sighs of your heart at Him, and you will soon see that His kind and paternal hand will lead you to the source of forgiveness and of life.
5. If out of malice you have perhaps spent a large part of your life in disorder and indifference, and now near eternity, desperation wants to blindfold your eyes, do not allow yourself to be deceived. There is still time for forgiveness. Listen carefully: if you have left but a second of life, take advantage of it because you could gain eternal life during that second.
6. If your existence has passed in ignorance and in error, if you have been the cause of great harm to people, to society, and even to religion, and for any reason you recognize your mistake, do not allow yourself to be pulled down by the burden of your sins or by the harm for which you have been instrumental. But instead, allow your soul to be penetrated with the deepest sorrow, absorb yourself in trust and turn to the One who is always waiting to forgive you.
7. The same happens for a soul who has spent the first years of its life in faithful observance of My Commandments, but has little by little fallen away from fervor into a lukewarm and comfortable life …
8. Do not hide anything that I tell you, for it is all for the benefit of the whole of humanity. Repeat it in broad daylight; preach it to those who truly want to hear it.
9. The soul who one day receives a strong jolt that awaken it, all of a sudden sees its life fruitless, empty and undeserving of eternity. The Evil One, with infernal jealousy, attacks it in a thousand ways, exaggerating its faults. He inspires in it sadness and discouragement, leading in the end to fear and desperation.
10. Soul that belongs to Me, do not pay attention to the cruel enemy. As soon as you feel the movement of grace at the beginning of your struggle, come to My Heart. Feel and watch how it pours a drop of its Blood upon your soul, and come to Me. You know where I am, under the veil of faith… Lift it and, with complete trust, tell Me all your sorrows, your miseries, your falls… Listen to My words with respect and do not fear for the past. My Heart has submerged it in the endless depths of My Mercy and My Love.
11. Your past life will give you the humility that will fill you. And if you want to give Me the best proof of love, trust Me and count on My forgiveness. Believe that your sins will never be greater than My infinite Mercy.**

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