Help me with Confession - trying to return to the Church

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Achamberofsilence

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I am really struggling to return to the Church because all the rules and details of the Church overwhelm me.

My problem started when I accidentally committed the sin of sacrilege. I had developed a relationship/friendship with the priest. Where we live, there is no anonymous confession. As a result, when I went to confess, knowing he knew who I was and that I would have to face him after, I was ashamed of my sins and ended up fibbing to cover up said sins. It was a reflexive action, not done intentionally… and I knew the MOMENT I left the confessional that I had done wrong.

I returned as soon as I could to confess what I had done as well as to confess some other sins. The priest scolded me for confessing certain things – saying I didn’t need to confess those things because they weren’t sins (but they were in the examination of conscience) and it just left me very confused. How could I examine my conscience and give a good confession if the sins listed in the examination of conscience weren’t even sins?

I completely stepped away from confession and the Church at that point.

A year ago I tried to return to the Church, but while in the confessional I became so overwhelmed and upset that I forgot to mention two mortal sins. I left the confessional and felt like: oh no. I’ve done it again. I’ve messed up again.

At this point, I can’t look at a simple examination of conscience, follow it, and feel I gave a good confession (I worry about being scolded for confessing sins listed in the examination of conscience, and I worry there are sins not listed in the examination of conscience).

I desperately want to give a good confession and return to the Church but I feel like I don’t know HOW to do that anymore.

I have tried speaking to the priest about this but it has not gone well (he just handed me an examination of conscience… which confused me because he scolded me for confessing sins that were in that very examination of conscience).

My questions are this:
  1. Do I need to redo my old confessions? When I converted I had 20+ years of sin on my heart. I spent weeks preparing for that first confession and I do believe that I did my very best to be open, and honest, and confess everything. But now, I worry that I confessed kinds of sins but not degrees of sin and I don’t know if that invalidates the whole experience or not.
Should I just re-visit those sins in confession to be sure? Or is it enough that I gave that first confession with full intent to confess it all and a desire to give a good confession?
  1. When I look at an examination of conscience, does it cover everything? If I follow one, can I be assured that it’s enough? Can you maybe recommend a good examination of conscience for me? There are so many out there I don’t know where to begin… and I don’t trust the one the priest gave me because he scolded me for confessing things listed on it.
  2. I have asked my husband to take me to confession at the end of this month but I am terrified of messing up again. Please pray that I will be able to give a good confession.
I really don’t have anywhere else to turn at this point. Thank you for your help.
 
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Thank you for the suggestion. I have tried that and it didn’t end well but perhaps I will try to speak to another priest. We are traveling this month so I can make an appointment with a priest in a neighboring town.
 
  1. Yes, confess every mortal sin you are aware of committing since your last good Confession. If you wish, you can confess every sin since Baptism.
  2. Examinations of conscience are not exhaustive, but the sins that are not addressed by them are incredibly obvious (e.g. worshiping idols, murder which is recognized by civil law as such).
 
I feel like it is easy to say that sins are obvious when one has a proper understanding but not so easy when one is a convert and has never had their conscience formed properly.
 
I was speaking of things which transgress the letter of the Commandments. These are things which no person of good will and capable of the use of reason could possibly doubt the sinfulness of in light of the examination of conscience.
 
Ah, I see. I was thinking of it more from my experience.

For example. One examination of conscience will say lusting after someone is sinful. Another will say fornication is sinful but not mention lust. In that situation, a person like me doesn’t know if both are sinful, if neither are sinful, or if one is and the other isn’t. You know what I mean?

I come from a background where pre-marital sex was seen as not sinful, where lust was encouraged and even celebrated, where objectifying people was seen as fun and cute. The minister of the Church I used to attend married gay couples and her children lived together outside of marriage and she had no issue with it and was, in fact, proud of it. So for me, I don’t know the answer to the aforementioned question (about which examination would be correct).

I could err on the side of collecting several examination of consciences and using them all to prepare but I feel like that would definitely be leaning on the side of scrupulosity and I definitely don’t want to lean that direction. And of course this is all exaserbated by the priest scolding me for confessing sins listed in an examination of conscience because it makes me wonder if they’re accurate.
 
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In that case, you can go to the Catechism of the Catholic Church’s section on the Ten Commandments. You are permitted, even encouraged, to bring a list with you when making such a large Confession. If disconsolate sobbing precludes you from speaking coherently, you can hand the list to the priest, and his reading it will satisfy your obligation to confess.
 
Oh wow, really? That’s… good to know! Thank you.
 
You’re welcome. I’ve been in your position, not on account of poor catechesis, but rather on account of denial, as people would rebuke me for my sins and I would not believe them.
 
Achamberofsilence said:
My problem started when I accidentally committed the sin of sacrilege
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One is not guilty for accidents, there was no need to confess this in the first place as there are no accidental mortal sins.
Achamberofsilence said:
saying I didn’t need to confess those things because they weren’t sins (but they were in the examination of conscience)
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Because there are bad examines of conscience floating about in the world. Stick with something like this:


Agree, make an appointment and just talk to your pastor.
 
Does your parish offer a subscription to Formed.org? They have an excellent series of videos about Confession.
 
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You need to find another priest, make an appointment, give him the short version of what happened, and have him walk you through the process. The priest you are seeing may be a great priest otherwise but he is not understanding your needs or communicating well here. Good luck and God bless.

PS and of course you cannot “accidentally” sin.
 
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I understand what you’re saying. It was still a moment that left me terrified I might make the same mistake in future. That moment left me with a lot of anxiety regarding confession but this thread has most definitely helped.
 
Achamberofsilence said:
ended up fibbing to cover up said sins. …I returned as soon as I could to confess what I had done…
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Great. All taken care of and the priest gave you absolution.
Achamberofsilence said:
The priest scolded me for confessing certain things – saying I didn’t need to confess those things because they weren’t sins (but they were in the examination of conscience) and it just left me very confused.
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I’m sorry this happened to you. The advice I’ve gotten on a particular occasion was not right either. Learn from it. Go to another priest.

The other thing that comes to mind is perhaps the priest knowing you, as you say he does, might realize that you wouldn’t have known they were sins, therefore you haven’t incurred the guilt accorded to that sin. A sin is something we do deliberately knowing it is wrong or fail to do and knowing it is a sin to not do it - at the time of acting - not acquiring the acknowledge that it was a sin afterwards. If it was a grave/mortal sin listed on that list, it is only mortal if all 3 conditions were met. If one of the conditions isn’t, then the sin becomes venial.
Achamberofsilence said:
A year ago I tried to return to the Church, but while in the confessional I became so overwhelmed and upset that I forgot to mention two mortal sins.
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Great! Persevere in heeding Gods’ call to return to the Church. All mortal sins that we are aware of at the time of confession and which we intended to confess are forgiven as all sins are placed before the Tribunal of Mercy (God). It was a forgotten mortal sin/s. You just need to mention it at your next confession. And you may receive Communion in the meantime. It is only a bad/invalid confession if you deliberately withhold or lie or hide sins in confession.

Regarding question 1 - that is something your priest should advise you on. You’ll get different opinions/thoughts on that here - and because of that I am not going to state my thoughts on it.

Regarding question 2 - there are more detailed examination of consciences out there and some list the same sin just stated/worded differently. Best to find just one and stay with that.

The one I have found most helpful to me is The first link - opens a pdf file by Father Altier. It is copyrighted, so you can read the pdf file when it opens, but if you want a copy you should buy one here - which has it and some prayers.

In answer to your third request - yes I have prayed you will make a good confession.
 
You should never be scolded for confessing something. If something is hurting your relationship with God, it’s a problem. And despite some serious issues forming your conscience when younger, you are approaching this sacrament with great sincerity and reverence. Imagine if someone who had wronged you was going to all this trouble to set things right? How would you feel toward them? God feels infinitely more charitably toward you. He wants all His children back.

Contrition also has merit in repairing our relationship with God. Of course receiving absolution after confession is the best guarantee of forgiveness. But I imagine God and quite a number of the saints cheering you on in your efforts. Specifically St Augustine, St John Vianny, St Therese of Lisieux, and St Mary of Egypt.

Peace and prayers for you! I believe you’ll soon know a peace you can almost taste 🙂
 
I too, was not at confession for 16-17 years.
Then before I got married I went again. The priest said, Name me one sin, just one. Then gave me absolution.
I went yesterday again, and mentioned this to the priest in confession. The priest said it was very wrong for the priest to do so.
I said all the mortal sins I could remember, but I was in a state of mind, and felt I would tell any and all mortal sins, even when I could remember them, but forgot most of them once in the confession box.

I suggest you look for a traditional church, that holds traditional mass. They keep it more traditional, and yesterday was anonymous with a curtain.
 
This again and don’t forget to pray privately as well. Like written prayers and Psalms. Buy a prayer book. It really helps with anxiety and the intrusive thoughts against coming back to Church. You don’t have to mentally control everything. Leave it to God. Plus reading written prayers of saints and Psalms takes your mind off your own unresting thoughts. After one week of keeping it daily you will see the results and how slowly you feel less anxious about coming back.
 
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