HELP Mother-in-law issue

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JohnStrachan

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Though I have only been here a week or so, I value the personal witness and charitable opinion of those present. I have a dilemma.

in 1998 my father-in-law took his own life. His death left my mother-in-law destitute. The lift insurance policy that he had for $250,000 was declared null and void because he breached the 2 year suicide clause.

After his death, my wife and I moved into her house to help stabilize the situation and provide support. We eventually purchased the house and continued to live with her for another 9 years. The living circumstances were far from ideal and even challenged our marriage as my wife often sided with her mother out of pity.

In 2007 things hit the wall for me. Fortunately she was able to move out of our place and in with my sister-in-law. Twelve years hence an my brother-in-law and sister-in-law have reached the point where they need their life back too. I get it.

Here’s the dilemma…

My wife wants us to sell our current property and buy a larger house with an in-law suite for mother-in-law. This might seem like a reasonable solution but I don’t want to uproot my life and assume $150,000 in mortgage for the sacrifice I know I will have to make for her sake.

My mother-in-law is very dear but also needy. She has few friends, is very domineering in the kitchen and his becoming less mobile. She will only become more dependent on us.

I completely understand the concept of carrying one’s cross. I get that. But my experience from the last time we lived with her is that I was the big loser. And I’m expect more of the same again.

Any sage advice from the sober minds at Catholic Answers?
 
This sage, who is lives with mother in law, will tell you unless she is sick probably do not do it. Does your MIL give you problems when she is not living with you or has she done that in the past? Do you have kids in the house? Is there foreseeable marriage problems if you live with her? You want to protect your marriage #1. If she is needy that already seems like a negative sign.
 
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We have three teenagers at home (17.15,13). The oldest will be going to university in the Fall. “Mom” is 79, in declining health (her kidney’s are failing and she says she will refuse dialysis and her knees are not good either), does not own a car and has a very basic retirement income of about $20,000/year. She would find it very difficult to be one her own, and my wife is reluctant to allow that.
 
How old is your MIL at this point?

What has she been doing for the last 20 years as far as working and saving, etc.?
 
I see you replied to someone else as I was asking my questions.

I think you are going to have to work with the whole family to find a solution. It’s clear she is going to have trouble living totally on her own. I suggest getting the county social services that assists with the elderly involved. Perhaps there are subsidized apartments for the elderly that she would qualify for with her level of income in your area. If you can find her private living arrangements close by, and the whole family is committed to going by daily, or whatever frequency is needed, to check on her, talk to her, etc, then it could work.

Also talk to the county people about a longer term plan of care, including assisted living and nursing home for when that day comes. Medicare will pay for that if she is low income. If she has no assets in her 5 year look back period, then her income will go to pay for the living arrangements but when that is exhausted, Medicare will pay the rest. (note: confirm these things with your local social services and Medicare as there are exceptions).

Find something that works for the whole family. Be up front with your wife sibling(s) about the need for them to pitch in for care, respite, money, or whatever you decide. It is also OK to ask your MIL to pitch in money for her own care to the extent possible.

There is no perfect solution. But, I don’t believe it is an ultimatum situation-- it isn’t “her” or “you”. Your wife is truly in a bad position. Don’t make her choose.

I think you are going to get a variety of answers here, and those that feel strongly one way or the other. I can say that my husband and I feel very strongly about taking care of our parents. We currently care for his mom, and my husband has been basically full time caregiving for his mom for the last 3 years.
 
1ke said:
There is no perfect solution. But, I don’t believe it is an ultimatum situation-- it isn’t “her” or “you”. Your wife is truly in a bad position. Don’t make her choose.
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If there was already a problem that the wife was taking sides with the MIL, then there is an issue here. He doesnt have to give a strict ultimatum to his wife but it has already been a problem when they lived together in the past. I don’t think it will be a better situation if they went back, it may even be worse. You have some good ideas about assisted living where there is a team effort to help out.
 
The way I grew up, one takes care of one’s aging parents. My grandmother lived with us until she was too infirm/required round the clock nursing care.

My siblings and I will care for our parents as they get to that point.

I have zero doubts that my son will care for us when we are elderly.
 
I really feel for you, because I know this is a tough situation. My grandmother moved in with us when I was a teen so that my parents could take care of her in her later years, and at this very moment I am living next door to my ailing in-laws so that my husband and I can help take care of them. It’s never easy. It’s definitely hard on a marriage. But it CAN be a blessing for not just mother-in-law, but for you, your wife, and your children. For however needy she was, my grandma was also sweet, smart, often hilariously miserly, and always took my side. I thank God every day that I got to spend my teen years with her in my home every day, and that I know she was extremely well taken care of by my parents until she went home to the Lord. I really admire my parents for the sacrifices they made for her, because they always had in mind the sacrifices she made for them. And the day-to-day care of my in-laws is definitely not a cakewalk either, but my husband and I have serious peace of mind knowing that they are being taken care of and don’t have certain worries or responsibilities. I have an immense love for my husband because of his dedication to them.

I am the farthest thing from a sage, but I can offer you this much: it IS very important to help ensure that our parents are taken care of as best as possible when they become unable to take care of themselves, and it’s obvious that you know that. If that means inviting her into your home (again), or finding other arrangements for her, it’s definitely something to be invested in. Of course your marriage is too - it absolutely is. That’s why I wouldn’t rush right in to any big decisions or mortgages, especially since you’ve already had one experience with this. You and your wife need to have a series of really earnest, really serious conversations about your options for mother-in-law and the well-being of your marriage and family life. Give your wife and mother-in-law a few expectations and concerns if you’re going to have her living in your home again - lay out your issues with the choosing sides thing, and about maintaining a certain level of respect in your home. You can do that gently and respectfully, and maybe, if you choose to go that route, the second time around may go a little smoother.

Hopefully, anyway! It’s a tough situation, friend. And I commend you for even considering taking on her care, because it is so so tough.
 
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Taking care of parents does fall under the 4th Commandment so this cannot be taken lightly. Also, it depends on how much trouble was caused due to your MIL living with you the first time. She may not be all that bad. But I will give you my situation not to scare you but just to see if you see the same signs in your own life.

At our old house, when we lived seperate from my MIL, my mother in law used to come over un-invited and make remarks about our house, what we should do, etc, etc. When she came over to watch our kids, which was a blessing, but when I came home from work should would constantly pick on me. Finally, she stopped atleast messing with me for a good 6 months. At that time, my wife and I were looking for a house and to fit our family better, and my mother in law wanted to get out of her bad neighborhood. So we decided to get a house and move in together. Well the first 2 weeks were a breeze, I was home, unpacking and working, and my MIL was respectful and all the agreed boundaries were followed by both parties. Then after 2 weeks it became a disaster and still is to this day going on 3 years. Our kids go over my head and to MIL, manipulating, making me look like the bad guy all the time. Every time I try to teach the kids our Catholic faith she undermines me. I cant even say prayer at the dinner table any more for fear of being laughed at. My wife is constantly going to her, I feel like an loner. They talk behind my back alot like I am a religious freak who has no clue about anything. It has also played bad on my wife and the kids, where there are times when they get fed up too. And we are not a perfect family either, so my MIL rightly gets fed up with us as well. Harsh words are said. I can go on and on. Its a very difficult situation especially with a person that constantly meddles with my family. I love my MIL but its not an ideal situation to say the least.

NOTE:There has always been a problem with my wife taking sides with MIL from every day life to big purchases.
 
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A minor point of clarification - Medicare doesn’t pay for long-term nursing home or assisted living care. They will pay for short-term stays following surgery or illness. Medicaid will pay for long-term stays in nursing homes/assisted living, provided you meet income guidelines.

Medicaid regulations related to nursing home and assisted living care can vary from state to state. As you said, the OP needs to contact the local human services agencies to find out what options are available, given Mom’s medical needs and her income.
 
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Exactly.

One may purchase a Medicare supplement that covers assisted living/nursing home.
 
This is a conversation that you really need to have with your wife. Your primary obligation is to your children. If MIL moving in with you is going to compromise your marriage, then she can’t move in. It’s that simple.

I agree that an assisted living facility is an acceptable alternative. Not everyone is able, or willing, to care for their parents in old age. Even if they’re willing to do so, it may be a question of ability. If MIL’s knees are going, any home she moves into will need to be configured to meet her needs. If you’re not able to find such a home, you may need to build one, and that can get expensive VERY quickly. Not to mention that if she’s unable to get out much, she could become very isolated in your home. Many facilities have various activities and opportunities for socialization.

If she does go into a nursing home, it’s very possible for you and your wife to meet your obligations to her by visiting her frequently and taking her out to do things. Moving a parent into a facility does not mean “leaving them there to rot”. Those are two very different things.

That said, you wife should not be siding with her mother against you. That’s unacceptable. Your wife’s responsibility is to you as her husband. I’d be suggesting the possibility of some marital counselling before you make any big decisions about this.
 
I think also that getting lots of advice and information about ALL the options available to her in terms of social Services would be the first thing you do. If she could live in something like assisted living locally and then WHOLE family could share in visiting her and giving her rides to appointments that might be the best solution. If you were planning on taking out a larger mortgage maybe instead you could buy her groceries and other family members could pay for gas.

If my MIL moved in with us it would be the end of our marriage as she dominates my husband and inserts herself in our marriage in unhealthy ways. We help her financially instead. Your marriage and children must come first
 
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I agree that all of the siblings and spouses need to get together, discuss this and decide as a family how to share this responsibility. It should not fall on one part of the family.

Assisted living in the same neighborhood would be ideal. She will not be on her own and family can stop in on a schedule and visit and help out, bring meals etc.
 
Ah yes, it is Medicaid. Thanks for the correction. Medicare pays for some part of it, short term.

Anyway-- it’s all complicated and that’s why the OP needs to get social services involved!
 
How did you guess? I’m a Welsh-Polish-Canadian hybrid. My mom is from North Wales and my father from Toronto of Polish-born parents. Love the Welsh in me. Diolch.
 
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Depending on her age, I would recommend looking into something like Acts Retirement-Life Communities.

Whats great about them, once you “buy” in, you are set for live. As she ages and needs more medical help, they take care of all of that. So it’s an active seniors community when they move in, but becomes a nursing home for those you need that kind of care as reach closer to the end of their lives.

Check and see if there is one near you. If not, call Acts anyway and learn about them so you will know what to look for near your home.

www.actsretirement.org

Acts Retirement Life Communities: Active Senior Communities

Acts active senior retirement communities may have the perfect home for you. Learn more about our 27 resort-style retirement life communities today.
www.actsretirement.org www.actsretirement.org

God Bless
 
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