HELP Mother-in-law issue

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I’ve seen facilities similar to this before. They’re sometimes referred to as “aging in place” facilities. Depending on the facility, some have an integrated model where people with varying levels of needs live side by side, others have separate facilities. So, if your needs increase, you’ll stay in the same community, but you would move to a different area of the facility.

The advantage to an “aging in place” facility is that seniors (especially those with dementia and other chronic health issues) often don’t do well if they have to move. Aging in place reduces those risks.
 
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Maybe someone else has mentioned this—our state has a social services department for seniors, and has a lot of resources available to help people in your and your MIL’s situation.

If your area has a similar agency, they might have solutions for you to consider.
 
In reading this topic, I am immediately reminded of two discussions:

the funny one , but with a lot of meat (TV series: Everybody Loves Raymond, episode “Golf for it”)

and the article, painful but with a hopeful ending (Atlantic Monthly, Letting Go of My Father.)

No, seriously. I recommend that you review both of the above. Really.

If your family is considering a huge expenditure anyway, you would have to weigh whether a good aging-in-place chain is a better long-term solution than a house for the extended family. (Such establishments are flexible, which is why they’re expensive.)

Best case scenario: you make a firm choice, and it turns out to be a good choice that you never have to renegotiate.

Worst case scenario: you make a choice, spend all that you have, and you have to turn to the second choice anyway after the circumstances change.

I can’t tell you which one of these is more likely. But I can suggest that you have a physician evaluate your mother-in-law. Then you might have some expert recommendations about what would give her the best life. No guarantees, of course. But “I did the best I could” is a better feeling than skipping the uncomfortable parts.

Praying for all of you.
 
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All I can say is, you are morally obligated to help find your MIL a safe, clean, appropriate place to live, but it doesn’t have to be with you. Figure out what options are available to you. If she does move in, make certain your wife and you have some appropriate boundaries set up.
 
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