Help! my friend just came out of the closet!

[SueKrum]

oh man, where do I start? a good friend of mine from high school has just “came out”. she’s in a “relationship” with this woman she met. my friend never had any boyfriends in school because she is a little heavy and very shy. She was always attracted to men, though. she had a lot of crushes and the like. than, last year, she got this job and one of the women there is a lesbian. they became good friends and she really quit talking to her old school friends. I suspected that she might start to have feelings for this person, and sure enough, this week she said that they are in a “physical and emotional relationship”. she loves her, but she’s confused because she says she’s not “gay” but that she loves this woman. she said that she’s going to be with her until she can find a man.

I can see from a distance that she is SO confused and I know that she is not really a lesbian. I’m sorry if this is kind of graphic, but I need help. I want to try and talk to her, but I don’t know where to start. her mother is always throwing the Bible in her face and she really has no faith at all. how can I come at this from a practical, secular perpsective.

any adfice would be greatly appriciated.
sue

 

[marybee]

All I know is that people can sometimes confuse these feelings. Maybe she is “attracted” to this woman because of her personality, looks etc. These feeling may be natural and she may equate attractiveness to sexuality when it is truly a friendship. Just let her know that many people confuse those feelings.

 

[Scottgun]

Pray for her. The biggest problem is that there are many of the camp that would try to convince her that homosexuality is an identity like race or gender, it ain’t. They are fallen humans like the rest of us, and as such people do things that are just plain wrong, not because we are compelled to, but because we choose to.

 

[BlestOne]

You might want to point out that she isn’t going to find a man while dating a woman. Most guys won’t even ask a woman out if he thinks she is gay because quite frankly, men don’t want that kind of rejection. Not that women do either, but a man’s ego would not permit him to ask any woman out until he is reasonably sure she will say yes. So, if she has a girlfriend, she isn’t going to get asked out by a man!

That being said, I have run across a few women that were confused and stated they weren’t sure if they liked men or women. What I found with all of them was extreme lack of self-esteem. You said she has been heavy, that is usually an indicator of low self esteem in a teenage girl, well not quite an indicator, but a possible reason for low self-esteem. I am not saying all overweight teen girls are lesbians! In fact, for the majority they aren’t.

I would not “throw” the bible at her, but I would try to be a friend and let her talk about why she has made such a large decision like this after years of crushes on boys. Maybe she is lonely and just enjoys the attention she is given by this lesbian friend of hers.

 

[Cristiano]

This does not sound like homosexuality induced by same sex attraction, but by major lack of self confidence and fears of men. I think that she needs some counseling fast before she starts to rationalize all of her behaviors. Try to find the name of a good christian counselor or anyone available, and invite her to seek help. This is a self-destructive slippery slope that has nothing to do with sexual attraction but with fears.

 

[SueKrum]

This does not sound like homosexuality induced by same sex attraction, but by major lack of self confidence and fears of men. I think that she needs some counseling fast before she starts to rationalize all of her behaviors. Try to find the name of a good christian counselor or anyone available, and invite her to seek help. This is a self-destructive slippery slope that has nothing to do with sexual attraction but with fears.

I couldn’t agree with you more, but I don’t think she’ll go to counseling. at least, not at this point. especially to a Christian one. her mom is a bible thumper and has used the bible to shove different things in her face and it’s really turned her kind of sour as far as religion goes. it’s sad. I’ve tried to be a good example to her, but she doesn’t talk to me much anymore, probably because she knows that I don’t approve of all this.

what I would like is some practacle arguments against her behavior so a friend and I could maybe sit and talk to her and not “stick jesus in her face”. although, I would like to, but I know that would accomplish nothing at this point. I’m so affraid for her soul!

 

[Faith1960]

oh man, where do I start? a good friend of mine from high school has just “came out”. she’s in a “relationship” with this woman she met. my friend never had any boyfriends in school because she is a little heavy and very shy. She was always attracted to men, though. she had a lot of crushes and the like. than, last year, she got this job and one of the women there is a lesbian. they became good friends and she really quit talking to her old school friends. I suspected that she might start to have feelings for this person, and sure enough, this week she said that they are in a “physical and emotional relationship”. she loves her, but she’s confused because she says she’s not “gay” but that she loves this woman. she said that she’s going to be with her until she can find a man.

I can see from a distance that she is SO confused and I know that she is not really a lesbian. I’m sorry if this is kind of graphic, but I need help. I want to try and talk to her, but I don’t know where to start. her mother is always throwing the Bible in her face and she really has no faith at all. how can I come at this from a practical, secular perpsective.

any adfice would be greatly appriciated.
sue

I don’t have any advice for you. The most recent information I hve on homosexuality was from the Gay Wives subject on the Oprah show last week and according to most of the guests, they had huge crushes on guys but relized they were gay later on in life.

 

[estesbob]

I don’t have any advice for you. The most recent information I hve on homosexuality was from the Gay Wives subject on the Oprah show last week and according to most of the guests, they had huge crushes on guys but relized they were gay later on in life.

Well if it was on Oprha it must be right! There is no evidence to suggest this is true.

 

[Kay_Cee]

Peter Kreeft has a good talk about it here:

peterkreeft.com/audio/11_moral-theology.htm

There are also some programs in the Catholic Answers Radio archives regarding homosexuality. I especially recommend the one entitled “Science and Homosexuality.” You can find them by clicking on Radio above and doing a word search in the radio archives.

One thing you might point out to your friend is that she is female. That’s the way her body works. It’s designed to mate with a male, not with a female. That’s simple biology.

Hope that helps!

 

[SueKrum]

Peter Kreeft has a good talk about it here:

peterkreeft.com/audio/11_moral-theology.htm

There are also some programs in the Catholic Answers Radio archives regarding homosexuality. I especially recommend the one entitled “Science and Homosexuality.” You can find them by clicking on Radio above and doing a word search in the radio archives.

One thing you might point out to your friend is that she is female. That’s the way her body works. It’s designed to mate with a male, not with a female. That’s simple biology.

Hope that helps!

I can’t seem to make my way into the radio archives. when I do a word serch, I just get stuff from “this rock”. and hints? I am a total bozo when it comes to the internet

 

[a_cermak]

I suspected that she might start to have feelings for this person, and sure enough, this week she said that they are in a “physical and emotional relationship”. she loves her, but she’s confused because she says she’s not “gay” but that she loves this woman. she said that she’s going to be with her until she can find a man.

Well, if she’s just using this woman until a man comes along, that is not a very nice way to behave toward her. Does the other lady understand that this is how she feels or is the other lady planning on a LTR?

I suspect that more women are bi than fellows because sexuality as expressed by many lesbian couples is very similar to foreplay as expressed by some straight couples.

 

[SueKrum]

Well, if she’s just using this woman until a man comes along, that is not a very nice way to behave toward her. Does the other lady understand that this is how she feels or is the other lady planning on a LTR?

I suspect that more women are bi than fellows because sexuality as expressed by many lesbian couples is very similar to foreplay as expressed by some straight couples.

I think her “girlfriend” knows how she feels. or at lest, sort of does. what is LTR? sorry, I’m not good with all the codes people on here use

 

[jmcrae]

You say she’s shy; maybe being with a woman feels “safer” to her in some way. Also, this woman really likes her, and it’s always nice to be liked, and the “sex” probably also seems very “safe.” All very attractive for her, I’m sure.

You do need to explain to her that she can’t use this woman “until a man comes along” because that’s totally unfair to everyone.

You also need to explain that this is a very disordered relationship - basically, they are just using each other for physical gratification. That’s not really what sex was designed for - it’s a nice side effect, but the real purpose of sex is to make babies, and that’s what will be most fulfilling, will be to get married and have children. Tell her that she deserves the very best; she should not settle for half-measures, or for sex that isn’t really sex. Married sex that is open to children is the best (and really the only good) kind of sex.

 

[Black_Jaque]

Did you try making barfing sounds on the other end of the phone when she told you about this?

I know you get more flies with honey… But sometimes old, close, friends enjoy the privilege of being able to give each other rather harsh “reality checks”.

 

[ALLFORHIM]

Hi,
I was just thinking (today)about how I would talk to my children if this ever happened(while I was vaccuming ) Isnt it funny I should come across this topic.

Anyway, this is what went through my head. First I would tell her that you are here for her even though you dont agree with what she is doing. If you can assure her you will not leave her maybe she will open up to you. Then GENTLY explain to her that the sexual act of homosexuality is a sin, not whether or not she is attracted to the same sex. I do concur with other posts. She does not feel good about herself. Maybe tell her that premarital sex and cheating on a spouse is just as sinful. Make her feel her sin is not any different from yours. We are all sinners and let her know that you have sins as well. Then let it go and pray for her. See what happens from there and then keep posting so we can continue mayube to help you help her.

I hope I helped.

 

[a_cermak]

I think her “girlfriend” knows how she feels. or at lest, sort of does. what is LTR? sorry, I’m not good with all the codes people on here use

LTR=Long Term Relationship.

Even if the other lady knows this is the case, it is still not a nice way to behave. We are all the children of God and really shouldn’t use each other in this manner.

 

[Amateur_Soul]

You also might tell her that for one, if she is spending time with this woman that is time she is not available to potentially find a man. And two, if she is “going out” with this lesbian, when word of that gets around that will just make her all that much less desirable for any potential man, except for the pervs who might think the lesbianism is attractive.

 

[Kay_Cee]

I can’t seem to make my way into the radio archives. when I do a word serch, I just get stuff from “this rock”. and hints? I am a total bozo when it comes to the internet

Not a problem. Just follow these steps:

1. Scroll back up to the top of this thread. You’ll see at the top of the screen where it says Catholic Answers Home Library Radio . . . Click on Radio.
2. Click on Guests & Shows (on left side of screen)
3. Type homosexuality into Quick Search and hit Enter.
4. You will get a statement saying, “To search radio archives, click here.” Click on “click here.”
5. Type homosexuality into the box for Description, then click on Search.

You should get a listing of the three programs that deal with the subject. Click on whichever you want to listen to.

It took me a while to figure it out too!

 

[SueKrum]

thanks! I found it you’re directions were most helpful:thumbsup:

ALLFORHIM, great thoughts. I will take them into consideration. she lives very far away, so we only talk over the computer these days. I moved when I was in the tenth grade (more moons ago than I want to admit) but we stayed close, so we’ll probably be talking over the computer. so at least that should keep me from saying something really stupid.

 

[ALLFORHIM]

thanks! I found it you’re directions were most helpful:thumbsup:

ALLFORHIM, great thoughts. I will take them into consideration. she lives very far away, so we only talk over the computer these days. I moved when I was in the tenth grade (more moons ago than I want to admit) but we stayed close, so we’ll probably be talking over the computer. so at least that should keep me from saying something really stupid.

Hi,
The great thing about computers is you can proofread before sending. I do it all the time here. I really hope you say something to her that makes a difference.