Help! My husband is leading a double life

[Rosary_girl]

I am new to this site, but for the last few days I have been reading different posts in regards to marriages that are suffering. My marriage is on unsteady ground as well. About a month ago I discovered that my husband was addicted to a game that he played on his phone. Apparently, this game was a social networking game where other players could write messages on your wall. My husband became addicted to other women writing him flirty messages. He hid this from me but I could tell that something was wrong. Later I found the email messages and I was really upset because he spoke very badly about me in the emails to the other women. When I confronted him he shut down all channels of communication; however, that evening he came home late and said that he thought about it and deleted the game in front of me. I thought that would be the last of it, but then he became very protective over his phone again. It is always on him, and he has become emotionally distant. He tells me he loves me and hugs and kisses me (pecks) but nothing like he used to. He used to call me no less than three to five times, now nothing. I know he’s leading a double life I can feel it. The other night I confronted him again and he said that I’m feeling that way because of all the fighting we have been doing. The thing is, we have not been fighting. He stays up all night I do not know what he is doing, because he positions the laptop or phone so that I cannot sneak up on him. He has been warned at work for being on his phone too much. The other day I finally got the chance to peek at his bookmarks on his phone and his call history. Apparently, he has signed up for a bogus dating site. I checked the reviews and the women are not real. I could not find anything on our cell phone bill, but I did find that most of his call history had various phone numbers from an app called “WhatsApp.” So the phone numbers do not appear on our phone bill, but the minutes are taken away and the cost for our phone service goes up. The dating service that I believe he subscribed to showed younger half naked women and he had downloaded pictures of a couple of other women that were fully dressed. Now, yesterday I found that he had looked up how to secure his email plus he put a password protection on his phone.

He tells me there is nothing to worry about, but if he has nothing to hide why does he lie and decieve me? I think he might be going through some kind of midlife crisis combined with an addiction. If I confront him he shuts down all channels of communication.

I am in the process of praying a rosary novena for him, to save our marriage and unite our family. It is so hard because one day he’s like his old self and the next he’s cold and distant.

Can someone give me some clarity on this? I don’t want to be brought down with him like this. Oh and by the way, I know I am not crazy as he wants me to believe.

 

[mymamamary]

I have no wisdom in the field of marriage, but I can and will be praying for you and your marriage

 

[Joe_5859]

I will pray for you. That’s a tough situation to be in. When the lines of communication aren’t flowing freely, it’s tough to make forward progress.

Is your husband also Catholic? Have you tried discussing this with a priest? Have you tried initiating affection with him? What was his response?

Not that you have to answer all these questions here. I’m just raising them as questions to ask yourself, not questions I need to know the answer to.

I think setting aside time at home as “no phone time” would be healthy, but you’d probably have to be careful about how and when you pitched such an idea. Maybe you could work up to such an idea or pitch it in a positive way. Perhaps make Friday night a “date night” where the two of you go out (or stay in) and have no distractions: no computers, no phones, no TVs – just the two of you spending time with each other.

I would recommend seeking the counsel of a priest. They’re trained to handle these things.

 

[Aleema]

I had a sort of really bad problem that lasted for nearly 12 years with my husband and it waa awful i lost my faith for nearly 7 years and i really needed help so i went and got a novena to the Holy Spirit and then was drawn by God to the Saint Joseph devotion book… i began with the Holy cloak which is said for 30 days every day!! and my problem disappeared 9 days into the novena…
he came down the stairs as i was reading my prayer book and told me that he would talk about this stuff no more it was over and done with… that was november last year and so far he has never brought the problem up to me again…
i told Saint Joseph that by my husband words were eating at my soul and i needed it to stop… and it did…

My family have been very blessed by the intercession of this saint…He is the head of the most Holy Family… pray to him
Jesus will refuse his earthly parents nothing…

 

[The_Bucket]

I don’t want to be brought down with him like this. Oh and by the way, I know I am not crazy as he wants me to believe.

No. You’re not. And he probably does not want you to believe you’re crazy either, but his behavior is nonetheless driving you to that point. I get it. Trust me I do because I was and am that guy.

The women were not real. There was no chatting. But there was pornography. There was a lot of it. There was waking up early in the morning to go on the laptop. I went so far as to not password ANYTHING so as to appear “open” but my traces all deleted themselves. Until one day I “screwed up,” my wife found out and ran a program that essentially un-erases files. You can imagine how well that went over.

The truth is I was addicted, pure and simple. Probably had a lot to do with my childhood but I’m man enough to say I did not embrace the Lord enough to ensure I did not fall into the same pit my father did. Sadly, your husband is probably addicted in a different manifestation. It might be sex addiction. It might be “attention addiction” which some groups classify as “love addiction.” Sometimes there’s nothing beyond some flirty words, that is to say there is no actual in-person adultery, but that’s enough to get him “high” and to betray you.

I didn’t want my wife to feel like she was crazy. I told her the problem was me, over and over again. I said I was having major faith crises and it was feeding my anxiety. All these things were true… except I left out the part that the porn was what was causing my faith crisis and my anxiety.

I cannot counsel you as to what to do. All I can say is that addiction is real and other people can’t fix it. The addict has to make the choice to turn his life over to God (a choice we all have to make really) and take concrete steps to get rid of temptation. I personally have a junk phone with no Internet access and the computer at home is locked away from me completely. I only go on it when my wife is literally in the room; otherwise it’s just at work which is in front of a lot of people and is heavily filtered.

I can also say that addiction can be broken. It’s a long, painful journey but one that leads to a much better life. I’ve got some months under my belt and there’s plenty of people in my local group with more than a year and folks on the support group on CAF that have even longer.

God protect your spirit and your mind.

 

[marry951]

You are on the right path! Rosary novena is going to help you for peace in your heart, as well as your husband. I have said many Rosary Novenas for my husband, myself and others, and I always see a change. Putting this concern of yours in our Mother Mary’s hand shows great faith, and she will intercede for you. My husband too, use to act suspicious, and also caught him going into porno sites. I asked him why, and like you no answer, or an answer that either makes no sense. Also he did lie to me a couple times saying he stopped looking, heartbreaking, since to me a lie is a lie and how do you trust someone that lies right?? Well he is an adult, I did communicate the fact I felt lied to and cheated on, with his lies. He did not stop. We ended up talking to a Church Group for Marriages. To make a long story short. I have put all my worries in gods hands, and continue praying for my husband. I have noticed a slight difference in the communication, and he doesnt seem so sneaky as before, however I too have learned I cannot worry about it all the time, or I will lose it. Instead I pray to God for my husband and that he may take all impure thoughts away from him, and to also guide me as a wife and help me see and understand his addiction or problem. I know it might not help the trust issue, but communication is vital, and I have learned through prayer, my husband has also learned how to listen, and God has also answered my prayers, since now my husband is also learning, that in a marriage we must respect one another, me pointing out my concerns is not a nagging thing or a reason to fight. God bless you and your marriage. Dont give up!! Evil is trying to end another marriage…I will put you and your husband in my prayers,

 

[Dlam88]

I pray for you and for all the spouses who suffer in the silence of their souls from this modern condition. The devil has played no greater trick than to convince us he is not real…

 

[sedonaman]

… He has been warned at work for being on his phone too much. …

This is a serious concern also. We had several individuals lose their jobs at my office for using company phones and computers to access pornography. It doesn’t have to be that serious, though, for his job to be in danger. His productivity is obviously suffering or they probably wouldn’t have said anything, and they could let him go on that alone.

 

[Cristiano]

I am new to this site, but for the last few days I have been reading different posts in regards to marriages that are suffering. My marriage is on unsteady ground as well. About a month ago I discovered that my husband was addicted to a game that he played on his phone. Apparently, this game was a social networking game where other players could write messages on your wall. My husband became addicted to other women writing him flirty messages. He hid this from me but I could tell that something was wrong. Later I found the email messages and I was really upset because he spoke very badly about me in the emails to the other women. When I confronted him he shut down all channels of communication; however, that evening he came home late and said that he thought about it and deleted the game in front of me. I thought that would be the last of it, but then he became very protective over his phone again. It is always on him, and he has become emotionally distant. He tells me he loves me and hugs and kisses me (pecks) but nothing like he used to. He used to call me no less than three to five times, now nothing. I know he’s leading a double life I can feel it. The other night I confronted him again and he said that I’m feeling that way because of all the fighting we have been doing. The thing is, we have not been fighting. He stays up all night I do not know what he is doing, because he positions the laptop or phone so that I cannot sneak up on him. He has been warned at work for being on his phone too much. The other day I finally got the chance to peek at his bookmarks on his phone and his call history. Apparently, he has signed up for a bogus dating site. I checked the reviews and the women are not real. I could not find anything on our cell phone bill, but I did find that most of his call history had various phone numbers from an app called “WhatsApp.” So the phone numbers do not appear on our phone bill, but the minutes are taken away and the cost for our phone service goes up. The dating service that I believe he subscribed to showed younger half naked women and he had downloaded pictures of a couple of other women that were fully dressed. Now, yesterday I found that he had looked up how to secure his email plus he put a password protection on his phone.

He tells me there is nothing to worry about, but if he has nothing to hide why does he lie and decieve me? I think he might be going through some kind of midlife crisis combined with an addiction. If I confront him he shuts down all channels of communication.

I am in the process of praying a rosary novena for him, to save our marriage and unite our family. It is so hard because one day he’s like his old self and the next he’s cold and distant.

Can someone give me some clarity on this? I don’t want to be brought down with him like this. Oh and by the way, I know I am not crazy as he wants me to believe.

He is a liar and a cheater. You are not crazy and you know what you are talking about. You need to force him to face reality and to start acting like a man. If you want to solve the problem the both of you must get support through a priest, through Retrouvaille, or through a family counselor. Do not wait for this situation to deteriorate even further, you have to nip it in the bud.

 

[Dlam88]

He is a liar and a cheater. You are not crazy and you know what you are talking about. You need to force him to face reality and to start acting like a man. If you want to solve the problem the both of you must get support through a priest, through Retrouvaille, or through a family counselor. Do not wait for this situation to deteriorate even further, you have to nip it in the bud.

Cristiano is right… Children cling to immature obsessions, Adults have the ability to postpone gratification because they understand there is good in it, children do not.

“Fight Like a Man”…“Habit is overcome by Habit” Thomas a’ Kempis, The Imitation of Christ

 

[Ysara]

Praying for you and your husband… I do not think you are crazy… you are a woman living in pain and confusion… Pray to St Joseph and he will help you… I will remember you in my prayers tonight and ask St Joseph to go to your help and lift this confusion and lead both of you in the path of healing and peace … May God be with you at this time.

 

[michaelmas]

There is something missing in the marriage for him or at least he thinks there is. Communication. I can not express enough how important being totally open to one another is.

As for the sneaking around on these social sites, that has to stop. I know from personal experience what happens when you spend time playing these games with yourself. You end up treating your spouse poorly and not respecting them. I would suggest a 12 step program and a meeting with the padre to help work through this.

He is going to have to accept he has a problem if he wants to overcome.

 

[coachkfan1]

Let me tell you from experience that a marriage without trust is not a marriage, at least not a healthy or respectful one. I encourage to continue to pray with all of your heart, but I also encourage you to let your husband that you are dead serious (not bluffing) that this situation needs to stop and to stop now. All of it. Yes you have an obligation to do everything in your power to save your marriage. BUT YOU ARE NOBODY’S DOORMAT!

 

[Dlam88]

This problem seems to be almost pandemic in our society. I am in the military and this type of “virtual cheating” seems beyond acceptable behavior and has morphed into the “norm”. I refer to my original post that the devil has played no greater trick than to fool us into believing he is not real. If he can subject the sanctity of marriage with doubt, fear, anxiety… he will. No stone is left untruned when he seeks the destruction of a Soul. If your husband is serious about the vows he took before God, and his love for you is genuine, he will amend his behavior for the greater glory of God and to salvage what damage his actions may have caused. I am not a psychologist and I dont pretend to be one, but I have wrestled with my fair share of “addictions” (which roughly translates “to be told what to do”) and I can say from my own experience this will not end well. It takes discipline and sacrifice to be a good man, if it was easy we would see far fewer men jeopardizing their immortal souls with frivilous nonsense.

I pray you are given the strength to overcome this, I encourage you to pray to St. Monica, who not only converted her son , but her wayward husband as well.

God Bless you and your family!

 

[runningdude]

I would recommend seeking the counsel of a priest. They’re trained to handle these things.

The priest would likely recommend counseling, whether a marriage counselor, or individual therapy for the husband. Preists recieve training in giving spiritual advice, but the husband’s issues seem to me to be beyond the competance of a priest without specialized psycological training.

 

[Joe_5859]

The priest would likely recommend counseling, whether a marriage counselor, or individual therapy for the husband. Preists recieve training in giving spiritual advice, but the husband’s issues seem to me to be beyond the competance of a priest without specialized psycological training.

True enough. A priest would be able to ascertain whether or not therapy is the best option. I always recommend a priest first because (a) he is more likely to respect the indissolubility of marriage, (b) he’s free, and (c) it can seem less intimidating to just set up a meeting with a priest than to start setting up appointments with therapists (or maybe that’s just me). If therapy seems necessary, he can probably point the person towards someone who is likely to respect the individual’s faith.

 

[Tighty_Whitey]

From your post I tend to not believe that you are actually who you claim to be. I found a number items in your post to be rather graphic and atypical of someone that is actually experiencing a marital break down. I believe that a moderator should edit your post.

 

[The_Bucket]

From your post I tend to not believe that you are actually who you claim to be. I found a number items in your post to be rather graphic and atypical of someone that is actually experiencing a marital break down. I believe that a moderator should edit your post.

What now? Because she went into details?

 

[Trishie]

*In response to a previous post…Lord let us not judge others, as you alone know the truth and appearances and our judgements are often incorrect. Only this year a very public case where a woman was finally and definitively cleared by the coroner. Decades ago, she had been vilified by media and many people because her emotional reactions appeared to them to be ‘not right’ and then she was jailed for the murder of her child. No, the dingo did it. We cannot judge a person only by our frameworks or even our education. *

My prayers for you and your husband.
May God guide you, and may God’s Spirit bring a radical conversion of soul and mind to your husband.

 

[april32010]

From your post I tend to not believe that you are actually who you claim to be. I found a number items in your post to be rather graphic and atypical of someone that is actually experiencing a marital break down. I believe that a moderator should edit your post.

what is your problem.