Help My Husband Is Looking At Porn!

[nana3]

Hi again, sorry to say that my husband is looking at porn via internet. I caught him once however I believe he has just been deleting it! Does anyone know how to look at the history after it has been deleted? I mean does anyone know how to look at deleted stuff?

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I have been there and it does break the trust, but more so that you will not trust him. Worse then the viewing for porn for me was all the lies. My dh would lie and be so believable. I believed him at first, but then found in the cookies and history that he was still viewing. I would find magazines hidden under the bed and under the sofa. I would even find it in his trumpet case. I also have found it in his car under one of the mats. It is a sickness and he saw how it broke the trust in our marriage and went to weekly confession. I did check up on him for some time. I would inspect his car and his stuff. He knew about it and didn’t say much for he knew he had to regain my trust. I do trust him now, but it took a long time. He has apologized for the porn and also for the lies. He found the website by Steve Woods at www.dads.org. Steve also has an article on that site to the wives. If helped us both to read it. DH read the 12 steps to pornography freedom. He also installed from that site some Bible verses on purity that pops up every time we turn on the computer and he reads them.

It is hard to go through this and I do think that you have the right to check up on him, for he broke the trust in your marriage. I will pray for you for I know it hurts. The feelings you are going through is all painful. I pray also for your husband to see his sin as wrong and be healed from this addiction.

God bless and hang in there. Pray for healing of your broken heart.

 

[thechrismyster]

when you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing.

 

[Imagine23]

Hi again, sorry to say that my husband is looking at porn via internet. I caught him once however I believe he has just been deleting it! Does anyone know how to look at the history after it has been deleted? I mean does anyone know how to look at deleted stuff?

Sorry to have to break it to you, but all men look at porn. As long as it’s not something illegal, I wouldn’t worry about it.

 

[thechrismyster]

Sorry to have to break it to you, but all men look at porn. As long as it’s not something illegal, I wouldn’t worry about it.

i’m a man. i don’t look at porn. it’s a slight to my Wife and Creator if i did. so i don’t.

there goes your theory.

 

[Imagine23]

i’m a man. i don’t look at porn. it’s a slight to my Wife and Creator if i did. so i don’t.

there goes your theory.

I don’t really think the Creator cares about you flipping through a Playboy while people are slaughtering each other left and right on our great planet. I think he’s got more important fires to tend to. [Mod edit.] Although your wife probably would get [Mod edit: upset].

 

[RevDrNorth]

If he knows you saw him deleting it then you have a starting point for dialogue. One of the major things is to get the computer put in a public area of the house where there is less temptation to cruise.

Again, if he knows you know and is in agreement it is wrong get him to agree to use one of the safety softwares that block porn sites and only you have the password to unlock it.

The internet has done more to bring porn and temptation into the home than anything else (you used to have to go to a store or order through the mail, etc). Investigators talk about this phenomenon in terms of child porn. Hopefully he realizes this is wrong, Many men are tempted and there are actually pastoral support groups for this addiction (for clergy and lay workers addicted to computer porn). Just because he has viewed it a couple of times does not make him a pervert BUT he is on a wrong path and this will eventually distort his view of sexuality, right and wrong, normal and so on.

Good luck!

North

 

[rayne89]

Sorry to have to break it to you, but all men look at porn. As long as it’s not something illegal, I wouldn’t worry about it.

Well considering objectify women for one’s own selfish gratification and finding it ok that women are exploited and degraded is hardly “manly” I think you are quite wrong. Maybe men who are still stuck in an adolescent mind set but not real men.

“All men look at porn” is an excuse by men who want justify their immoral and lewd behavior so they can feel better about what they’re doing and by women who are too afraid to set a higher standard for the men in their lives. The old “boys will be boys”. The key word is “boys”. Yes, many “men” do struggle with this problem. Saying that doesn’t make it less of a problem. That’s like saying all people sin so it’s nothing to worry about. Or a lot of teenagers do drugs; it’s normal you shouldn’t worry about.

Both men and women are capable of not being slaves to their sexual desires. Looking at porn is a weakness. It’s giving up control and just letting your sexual desires rule over you. How manly is that?

And since this is a Catholic forum the church very much thinks it’s something we should worry about.

“Man’s dignity therefore requires him to act out of conscious and free choice, as moved and drawn in a personal way from within, and not by blind impulses in himself or by mere external constraint. Man gains such dignity when, ridding himself of all slavery to the passions, he presses forward to his goal by freely choosing what is good and, by his diligence and skill, effectively secures for himself the means suited to this end.” CCC #2339

“Among the sins gravely contrary to chastity are masturbation, fornication, pornography, and homosexual practices.” (*Catechism *2395)

 

[Nurse_Joy]

I don’t really think the Creator cares about you flipping through a Playboy while people are slaughtering each other left and right on our great planet. I think he’s got more important fires to tend to.

I think He has plenty of time to care about me and everything I am doing. Like a good father, He wants the best for his children.

 

[rayne89]

I don’t really think the Creator cares about you flipping through a Playboy while people are slaughtering each other left and right on our great planet.

Oh I think you are mistaken.

1. Lust indulged starves the soul,
   but fools hate to turn from evil. Proverbs 13:19

1. "You have heard that it was said, `You shall not commit adultery.’
2. But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
3. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your members than to have your whole body thrown into Gehenna.
4. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your members than to have your whole body go into Gehenna. Matt 5:27-30

1. Avoid immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the immoral person sins against his own body.
2. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?
3. For you have been purchased at a price. Therefore, glorify God in your body.1 Cor 6:18-20

1. Now the works of the flesh are obvious: immorality, impurity, licentiousness,
2. idolatry, sorcery, hatreds, rivalry, jealousy, outbursts of fury, acts of selfishness, dissensions, factions,
3. occasions of envy, drinking bouts, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
4. In contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness,
5. gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.
6. Now those who belong to Christ [Jesus] have crucified their flesh with its passions and desires.Gal 5:19-24

1. Put to death, then, the parts of you that are earthly: immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and the greed that is idolatry.
2. Because of these the wrath of God is coming [upon the disobedient].Col 3:5-6

I could go on but you get the idea.

 

[RevDrNorth]

Oh I think you are mistaken.

I could go on but you get the idea.

Amen. Just because one is tempted is no license to continue to act immorally.

North

 

[miguel]

I don’t really think the Creator cares about you flipping through a Playboy while people are slaughtering each other left and right on our great planet. I think he’s got more important fires to tend to. Although your wife probably would get upset.

I don’t get it. On other threads, you’re telling us there’s no God. Here you’re presuming to speak for him.:whacky:

If you were really concerned about people slaughtering each other, you’d be concerned about porno. Porno pollutes the culture. It’s literally piped into every home and hotel room with a cable/satellite connection. And it fosters other immoral sexual practices which all too often lead to baby killing…really ghastly if you think about it.

 

[IlovemyChurch]

Sorry to have to break it to you, but all men look at porn. As long as it’s not something illegal, I wouldn’t worry about it.

what a sad and pessimistic thing to say!!

You think it’s nothing to worry about that a husband is poisoning himself with sick perverted images of fornication and repulsive sexual acts, and then takes all that to his wife in the bedroom?!!

 

[jules11]

Sorry to have to break it to you, but all men look at porn. As long as it’s not something illegal, I wouldn’t worry about it.

How can you presume to speak for all men??? My husband DOES NOT look at porn. He is disgusted in it as much as I am. I know other men that would not do it either. They hold women in high regard and would not pollute their minds with such filth that exploits women.
You cannot possibly say this with any conviction… it is just NOT true. I’ve heard that said before and it’s come from men that want to justify their own addictions and lack of maturity in this area. Do not use the ‘All men do it’ line to justify mens weaknesses.

 

[jules11]

QUOTE=jules11;1706251]How can you presume to speak for all men??? My husband DOES NOT look at porn. He is disgusted in it as much as I am. I know other men that would not do it either. They hold women in high regard and would not pollute their minds with such filth that exploits women.
You cannot possibly say this with any conviction… it is just NOT true. I’ve heard that said before and it’s come from men that want to justify their own addictions and lack of maturity in this area. Do not use the ‘All men do it’ line to justify SOME
mens weaknesses.

 

[ekblad7]

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I also had to deal with it. It was horrifying. I came across it by accident when looking for something else. I found out my husband was viewing porn while I was recovering from a horrible and dangerous birth of my fifth child. That was four years ago. I still don’t trust him. I don’t know if I ever will. We did marriage counseling with a good Catholic counselor for years. He never really felt bad for doing what he did. He felt bad for being caught. That aside we now have filters engaged on both computers (that are located in the main room). I say it’s for the kids, and it is, but alot of it is to keep him away. I use the filter from www.trueknights.org. God bless you in this painful journey.

 

[Jay2]

I found out my husband was viewing porn while I was recovering from a horrible and dangerous birth of my fifth child. That was four years ago. I still don’t trust him. I don’t know if I ever will.

Yet you still conceived two more children with a man you don’t trust or feel you ever will… that’s interesting.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Please. Don’t. Judge. You. Are. A. Sinner. Too.

In my mind, there is no possible advantage to you spying on your husband. Yes, spying.

If you noticed it, it is very important to confront him about it, and tell him how much it hurt you. Talk to him.

Then, put it in his hands. Be uncompromising, and yet open. If he wants to tell you when he has fallen, let him. If he chooses to confide in another male friend (a practice many have found much more helpful), let him. Encourage him to ask forgiveness of you when he sins, but avoid asking him about the details.

Your desire to know the details is a misshapen desire, and it comes from the enemy.

Your temptation to look at his web activities, you see, is part and parcel with his temptation to seek out pornography. If he knows that “wife is watching,” it may simply lead him to be more distant and lustful. FYI, there are many places outside the home that a man can indulge his prurient interests. Do you plan on hiring a private investigator, next?

Please: don’t misunderstand me. I’m not accusing you of being unreasonable. If I were in your situation, I would darn well want that bastard to get his act together, and I would darn well want to know exactly what he’d been up to. But anger and curiosity cannot dictate our actions.

“Love does not alter when it alteration finds.” Your husband is broken, and only he can tell you how. Don’t listen to the lies of the evil one. Love your husband with a love that is deep and penetrating, not a love that is shallow and accusatory.

May the Holy Spirit enlighten your heart with the Truth, and enliven your spirit with the love of Christ.

Trust breeds trust. Suspicion breeds suspicion. Which pattern would you like to foster in your marriage?

: Prodigal :

 

[Teelynn]

If he knows “wife is watching”, he will be more SECRETIVE. This is a terrible situation to be in. I was in this situation, but with an EA. I found all information at the beginning by pure ACCIDENT. Not even looking for anything. By using his cell phone as mine was on the fritz etc. Before finding any information, I was approached by a few other people who hinted at the notion that he was enjoying OW’s company a little too much. I DISMISSED THEIR CONCERNS IMMEDIATELY AS “PEOPLE WILL TALK.” (how stupid and blind trusting was THAT?) After putting 2 and 2 together, I approached him on the matter. He lied threw his teeth. I did start checking computer, cell phone records, etc. and eventually DID come to the conclusion after a long and heart wrenching time, and after his agreeing that he would not see OW or contact her any more, and AFTER he acknowledged how much he DEVASTATED me, and how sorry he was, that checking on him was conterproductive, indeed. There is some truth to the fact that snooping and spying after a certain period of time is not breeding trust. I had to learn to give him to the Lord, and what the LORD wanted me to know, I would know WITHOUT snooping, spying or not trusting him. Believe me when I say that THAT is no easy task, but with prayer it can be done. I learned also that snooping was really driving me crazy! I really will pray for you and your situation as I know pretty much 1st hand how devastatingly painful it can be.

Blessings,
Teelynn

 

[exiled]

This isn’t spying, it’s simply looking at the activity logs of the computer. There are several easy ways to do this. Go into the trash bin in Windows and see what’s been thrown out. Be sure to check to see if there’s an “Undo Delete” feature. A lot of times, it will let you recover what was thrown out in the trash. Most web browsers also have a history feature that tracks differents sites you’ve been to. Look under Preferences at the top. If you can’t find anything there, set it to the maximum setting, which is like a month. Every site visited will be recorded, although if he’s smart, he’ll know to delete that. You can also click on the address bar to see what sites he’s been typing in. If he uses an instant messenger, you can set it to save copies of all conversations as a backup. That will also be under the preference menu. That particular feature was set up as a safety feature to prevent misuse by children. You can also look at his e-mail, although that’s getting closer to invasion of privacy. However, as his wife, I believe you have the legal right. Be sure to check not only what’s in his in box, but look at his trash folder, and also the “sent” messages folder. You can see what he’s sent off that way.

There are a tremendous amount of things you can do without having to install some kind of spy program, although those things do exist as well. I’d check through the file listings on the computer as well for image files, and also look through any cd’s or dvd’s that have been burned. Before I was an historian, I studied to be a computer scientist, and I had to take a class on security issues.

Where is the trash button in windows? On the toolbar? Do you have to go into “my computer”?

 

[whatevergirl]

I would just talk about it with him, BEattitude. Don’t sit there like a detective. How degrading is that? I would simply ask him why he feels the need to do that, and explain to him your angst over it.

Sneaking and spying, and hiring the hi tech person to come over and attach a contraption to your computer (ok you didnt say that, I’m just joking) is unncessary. If you can’t have a reasonable conversation with him about this, there’s more to the situation than just the porn. Know what I mean? Anyways…pm me if you wanna chat. I hope this situation changes for you.

My husband didn’t look at porn on his own. We actually viewed it together during our first year of marriage. We thought it was funny at times to watch…flipping the channels…other times, it was…fun. Since growing into practicing Catholics, I have learned it’s wrong to view others for your own stimulation…to use them, in a sense. But, my husband never really looked at porn…like on the net. (to my knowledge) If he did…I would definitely ask him what’s up, BEattitude…it’s the only way to have peace of mind over it for real.