Help! My husband wants a divorce

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Hello, this is my first time posting on these forums. I’ve been lurking for awhile, and now I am in desperate need for advice. First, a little bit of background: DH and I have been married for about 10 years. We were married in the Catholic church. I am Catholic, he is agnostic. We have no children because we found out early on in our marriage that I am infertile. Needless to say, that has been very difficult for us.
DH is telling me now that he wants a divorce. I asked him why, and he said he is not happy and needs a change. He says he still loves me, and it’s not because of anything I have done, but he says he just doesn’t want to be married anymore and needs something new. I suspect he may be suffering from depression, and I think he has been depressed for quite some time.
Of course this breaks my heart. I reminded him of our wedding vows, and I told him we could work through it, but he refuses. He won’t get therapy. He won’t try anything.
For the past few months he has been pushing me away. He refuses to spend time with me or sleep in the same bed. He won’t have sex with me, and chooses to look at porn instead of being with me. He is rude and treats me like he hates me. It’s like he is trying so hard to treat me badly so that I will agree to this divorce.
This is just killing me. He is my whole world and now I feel like he is discarding me like an old toy. I took our marriage vows very seriously, and it hurts to know that he didn’t mean them. I had no idea when we were married that he would get rid of me as soon as he grew tired of me.
I don’t want a divorce. But I don’t know how to save our marriage. Its seems the harder I try, the worse he treats me. If anyone has any advice, I sure would appreciate it, because I don’t have a clue how to fix this. Thank you.
 
There is only so much you can do. If your husband will not agree to counseling, or any sort of intervention, you are in a rather difficult position. I would seek spiritual guidance immediately. You can’t prevent the divorce, if he is determined to go through with it. I would wonder about an affair, but even the porn alone can cause or add to the alienation. Pray for your husband. You might try a green scapular, placed under his side of the mattress, and pray “Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us now and at the hour of our death.” This can be instrumental in conversions.

I am so sorry you are going through this.
 
So sorry that you are going through this-been there myself. Do you have family nearby to turn to for support? How about maybe asking your priest for help-maybe he can come over for a visit to talk to your husband. I know this hurts-you need to hope for the best yet prepare for the worst, believe me, this isn’t easy. I pray that he comes to his senses before it is too late-I will remember you in my prayers—hugs…
 
I’m so sorry. I’d be devastated if my husband acted this way. You are probably right about him being depressed. If I were you I would turn to constant prayer and fasting. Don’t underestimate the power of the Holy Spirit to intervene for you.

I also read this article a couple of weeks ago about a woman in a similar circumstance to yours and I found it very moving and hopeful
theweek.com/article/index/99512/the-last-word-he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him
 
TheRealJuliane said:
There is only so much you can do. If your husband will not agree to counseling, or any sort of intervention, you are in a rather difficult position. I would seek spiritual guidance immediately. You can’t prevent the divorce, if he is determined to go through with it. I would wonder about an affair, but even the porn alone can cause or add to the alienation. Pray for your husband. You might try a green scapular, placed under his side of the mattress, and pray “Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us now and at the hour of our death.” This can be instrumental in conversions.

I am so sorry you are going through this.
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I agree with TheRealJuliane, please try the green scapular as she suggested and pray. I am a huge fan of Novenas and especially love the 54 day Rosary Novena.

Praying for you too.
 
Stay close to Jesus in the Sacraments. Stay close to your parish friends.
 
I am terrified that this is where my marriage is headed. My husband ‘moved out’ a week ago and was over the week and has decided he will come back to ‘try’ and work on things. I am not sure how it will work out. I’ve prayed about it and will continue to do so. I’ll be sure to keep you in mine too.
 
Thank you all so much for your responses. I will pray for this to turn around. I am just so shocked and confused right now. When I got married, I saw it as being forever. I thought my husband felt the same way. I knew he loved me then, and I figured that as long as I was a good wife that would never change. I just feel so betrayed. I never pictured my life without him. The thought of him leaving me has actually made me physically ill. I love him with all my heart, and I can’t imagine losing him. Please keep us in your prayers, and thank you all so much. I will take all the advice given in this thread and put it to good use.
 
A person that is unhappy often would at least TRY to be happy.

I think it’s very strange your husband will not try therapy. He claims to love you but the ONLY way he can see happiness is through divorce? That seems rather drastic. And incredibly selfish if there’s “no reason”. Which makes me think there’s a reason he’s not copping to. Especially with the porn usage, and refusal of sleeping with you. He clearly has needs. Why can’t he let you willingly meet them? He’s not telling you something. I have NO idea what!

I would continue to ask him to go to therapy, either with you or alone. I would look into Retroville. I would make it very clear a divorce will be the most miserable experience of his life if he can’t even be bothered to give you the slightest consideration. So he better look for another way to “get happy”. Don’t just throw in the towel.

You would fight for your life. You would fight for his. Fight for your marriage!

My prayers are with you!

And of course, before you engage in anything, go talk to a councelor, or priest. You need someone who knows you both if you can.
 
Would he be willing to at least try Retrouvaille? I know that program has helped a lot of marriages that were on the brink of collapse.

I’m sorry for what you are going through. I went through a divorce years ago, and it was heart-wrenching. You are in my prayers.
 
Thank you for all your responses as well as your prayers. I will keep all of you in my prayers as well. DH will not try Retrouvaille or any sort of therapy. However, last night he did agree to stay one more month. But he said if he is still not happy he will leave after a month. The links that have been posted in this thread have helped me tremendously. I have begun the 54 day novena (this is my first time doing the 54 day novena), as well as the green scapular. I plan on going to adoration as much as possible and fasting as well. Since DH seems determined to be unhappy and go through with this, then it is in God’s hands now. I will never give up, and having him here for one more month will give the Lord time to work on DH’s heart. I will give DH his space if he needs it, but I will show him all the love and tenderness that I can. Thank you all so much for your advice, I have read over this thread several times, and it is comforting to know that we are in your prayers. You have all been a great help to me.
 
I prayed 54 day rosary novena for my father who had kidney cancer spread to his lungs.he had surgery in october. His results in feb.were good, it did not spread any further. I also prayed from **8.sept. **- (nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary) till 17.sept. 9 Hail Marys a day for one intention, two days later my prayer was answered, I was at peace.Just to give you some strenght… God will not let you down. Pray to him with all your heart and have trust in him.
 
RosaryCancer said:
I prayed 54 day rosary novena for my father who had kidney cancer spread to his lungs.he had surgery in october. His results in feb.were good, it did not spread any further. I also prayed from **8.sept. **- (nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary) till 17.sept. 9 Hail Marys a day for one intention, two days later my prayer was answered, I was at peace.Just to give you some strenght… God will not let you down. Pray to him with all your heart and have trust in him.
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Thank you for these words of hope! I will pray for your father as well. I am realizing that I must see this trial as an opportunity to strengthen my prayer life and learn to trust in the Lord more. The more I read on these forums, the more the answer comes to me for my dilemma: prayer, prayer, and more prayer.
 
Please start maritial counseling even if it is only you. If he won’t go - he won’t go but at least it will help you with your healing through this. I am so sorry and will pray for you.
 
joanofarc2008 said:
Please start maritial counseling even if it is only you. If he won’t go - he won’t go but at least it will help you with your healing through this. I am so sorry and will pray for you.
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I agree with Joan. You need to take action for yourself in addition to prayer.

In addition to looking into counseling for yourself, and setting an example by going, sit down and ask him if he can better express his issues. So far, it sounds very vague. If he is just “not happy” then something to suggest is this: If his unhappiness isn’t clear then can he be certain that he is clearly unhappy with his marriage? And if not, then isn’t the unhappiness “in him” so that no matter where he goes, and what he does, it will still be with him. If so, leaving the marriage may cause a change that may distract him from it for awhile, but eventually it will be back. He will have covered up a symptom, not treated the problem.

Given that, encourage him to try counseling with you or without you so that he can take an opportunity to better discern the problem, before he decides on such a drastic course of action.
 
I am so sorry you’re going through this, and that he treats you so badly. My thoughts are with you.
 
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