HELP! My husband's behavior is affecting our marriage

  • Thread starter Thread starter auttiesvet
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

auttiesvet

Guest
My husband occasionally watches “light” porn and “sexy videos” (and sometimes, but not often, things I would consider a bit heavier.) He also masturbates occasionally, probably once, sometimes twice a week. He is in denial about the negative effect this is having on our relationship, and I don’t think he thinks of it as sinful. (He was not raised Catholic and I don’t was ever taught this, or at least doesn’t seem to believe it.) I don’t think he is self-aware enough to realize that when he focuses on this stuff he basically ignores me and makes no effort to be close to me. Just yesterday, shortly after we had spent some nice, intimate time together, he was watching something on his computer, and when I unsuspectingly went to see what it was he rapidly shut his computer off, only to find out it was one of the “sexy girl” videos. Later he said he was embarrassed (that he got “caught”.). Why would he want to watch that then??? I feel that our relationship could be so much better if he didn’t have all of that going on in the basement. It’s belittling and humiliating to me, which he just doesn’t seem to get.
This is not a first marriage for either of us. I am in the process of having my > 30 yr old Catholic marriage annulled and having our marriage convalidated. His is already annulled, and he is currently in RCIA. They haven’t really talked about this kind of sin, at least not yet. Like I said, he sees nothing wrong with it, as long as it’s not “real” women. And if he’s out of town, it’s a given. He can’t imagine not meeting those needs. We’re both older…I’m not sure he would even try to give it up at this point…it’s too much of a habit I think. I remember when I first found out and how surprised I was that this otherwise reserved and quiet man engaged in this somewhat regular behavior. I think it’s hopeless.

Does anyone have any advise on how to perhaps raising his awareness of the effect of this on a marriage? And also how to let him know, without sounding like his personal “sin counselor” that this is considered sinful and that he should try to stop”? I’m hoping that RCIA will finally address these issues, but time seems to be running out.
 
auttiesvet said:
My husband occasionally watches “light” porn and “sexy videos” (and sometimes, but not often, things I would consider a bit heavier.) He also masturbates occasionally, probably once, sometimes twice a week. He is in denial about the negative effect this is having on our relationship, and I don’t think he thinks of it as sinful. (He was not raised Catholic and I don’t was ever taught this, or at least doesn’t seem to believe it.) I don’t think he is self-aware enough to realize that when he focuses on this stuff he basically ignores me and makes no effort to be close to me. Just yesterday, shortly after we had spent some nice, intimate time together, he was watching something on his computer, and when I unsuspectingly went to see what it was he rapidly shut his computer off, only to find out it was one of the “sexy girl” videos. Later he said he was embarrassed (that he got “caught”.). Why would he want to watch that then??? I feel that our relationship could be so much better if he didn’t have all of that going on in the basement. It’s belittling and humiliating to me, which he just doesn’t seem to get.
This is not a first marriage for either of us. I am in the process of having my > 30 yr old Catholic marriage annulled and having our marriage convalidated. His is already annulled, and he is currently in RCIA. They haven’t really talked about this kind of sin, at least not yet. Like I said, he sees nothing wrong with it, as long as it’s not “real” women. And if he’s out of town, it’s a given. He can’t imagine not meeting those needs. We’re both older…I’m not sure he would even try to give it up at this point…it’s too much of a habit I think. I remember when I first found out and how surprised I was that this otherwise reserved and quiet man engaged in this somewhat regular behavior. I think it’s hopeless.

Does anyone have any advise on how to perhaps raising his awareness of the effect of this on a marriage? And also how to let him know, without sounding like his personal “sin counselor” that this is considered sinful and that he should try to stop”? I’m hoping that RCIA will finally address these issues, but time seems to be running out.
Click to expand...
Praying for you and your husband. Praying for your husband to overcome his porn addiction. God bless you both on your RCIA process. This may give spiritual insight to your husband.
 
Thank you for your prayers and kind words. There are two RCIA sessions coming up, one on marriage (although I believe it’s more about the sacrament) in February, and one on the moral life, sin and virtue. I am praying that in at least one of those something will come up regarding these issues. We are also attending a Worldwide Marriage Encounter in February, but that is geared more toward better communication. If all else fails, I am hoping that there is some sort of “pre-cana” type thing that we can attend for convalidation couples that are older. I’m not sure that there are, or that we would be required to go, but I would push for it if there is. He is a person who wants to do the right thing, but also sees himself as doing no wrong. I think he needs some seeds planted by someone besides me, who he sees as just unreasonable.
 
Jesus said that whoever looks at a woman on his computer with lust in his heart has already committed adultery with her.

Just tell him that.
 
With all sin but especially this sin, what is needed is a conversion of heart. Something has happened to your husband which has thrown him off the path and has led him into the slavery of lust. Whatever the case may be one thing is for sure; your husband is hurting inside and is trying to alleviate this hurt through the abuse of sensual pleasures. Also know you’re dealing with the devil and the devil loves to keep things a secret. He likes to isolate people and have them turn deeper and deeper into themselves to the point where the person thinks and acts as if they’re the center of the universe. One thing that will help will be to expose the problem. Bring it out into the light where it cannot hide, but do so with charity! Understand that but for the grace of God, you too would be in a worse position, and try to sympathize with your husband’s struggle by examining your own life to see which vice you are having issues with. Condemning your husband will not help since he is already condemning himself. Explain to your husband that the nature of sin is one which takes, takes, and takes but never gives back.

Let your husband know that you are there for him and that you do not look down on him even despite the sin. Let him know he is loved and therefore does not need things like pornography which cannot love him back. Pray to God for the grace to join your sufferings with Christ who bore the sins of all mankind out of love, and who is now asking you to bear the sins of one man -your husband- out of love for him. Try to think of your husband on your wedding day and know that the same man is still there but is hurting.
 
auttiesvet said:
My husband occasionally watches “light” porn and “sexy videos” (and sometimes, but not often, things I would consider a bit heavier.) He also masturbates occasionally, probably once, sometimes twice a week. He is in denial about the negative effect this is having on our relationship, and I don’t think he thinks of it as sinful. (He was not raised Catholic and I don’t was ever taught this, or at least doesn’t seem to believe it.) I don’t think he is self-aware enough to realize that when he focuses on this stuff he basically ignores me and makes no effort to be close to me. Just yesterday, shortly after we had spent some nice, intimate time together, he was watching something on his computer, and when I unsuspectingly went to see what it was he rapidly shut his computer off, only to find out it was one of the “sexy girl” videos. Later he said he was embarrassed (that he got “caught”.). Why would he want to watch that then??? I feel that our relationship could be so much better if he didn’t have all of that going on in the basement. It’s belittling and humiliating to me, which he just doesn’t seem to get.
This is not a first marriage for either of us. I am in the process of having my > 30 yr old Catholic marriage annulled and having our marriage convalidated. His is already annulled, and he is currently in RCIA. They haven’t really talked about this kind of sin, at least not yet. Like I said, he sees nothing wrong with it, as long as it’s not “real” women. And if he’s out of town, it’s a given. He can’t imagine not meeting those needs. We’re both older…I’m not sure he would even try to give it up at this point…it’s too much of a habit I think. I remember when I first found out and how surprised I was that this otherwise reserved and quiet man engaged in this somewhat regular behavior. I think it’s hopeless.

Does anyone have any advise on how to perhaps raising his awareness of the effect of this on a marriage? And also how to let him know, without sounding like his personal “sin counselor” that this is considered sinful and that he should try to stop”? I’m hoping that RCIA will finally address these issues, but time seems to be running out.
Click to expand...
Ok I think for the sake of your marriage don’t focus on it as “sin.” Tell him that it hurts you personally and why.
Also… spice the love life up a teeny weeny bit! Nothing crazy but a little something will mix it up. Get some nice undies. Look up some eh… vaginal (to keep the Church happy) positions. Remember the Hebrews regarded God’s first commandment to be “go forth and multiply.” He said he would “increase” Eve’s birthing pains meaning more likely than not she had kids before the fall cause otherwise this would be a bit nonsensical.
Therefore sex is God-made according to the Bible! God didn’t look down into the garden of Eden and say: “What… in the name of Me are they doing down there!!!”
:twocents:
 
It might help if you were consistent on sexual sin issues. If I understand your post correctly you were previously married and that marriage has not been annulled. You have also re-married outside of the Church. It is my understanding that in this situation that you should be living as “brother and sister” until your previous marriage is annulled and you are officially married to your new husband in the eyes of the Church. You are technically committing the sin of adultery/fornication if you are have relations with your husband. I don’t bring this up to point fingers, but I think it does provide good way for the both of you to learn and follow the Church’s teaching on sex and marriage.
 
Lokadottir said:
Ok I think for the sake of your marriage don’t focus on it as “sin.” Tell him that it hurts you personally and why.
Also… spice the love life up a teeny weeny bit! Nothing crazy but a little something will mix it up. Get some nice undies. Look up some eh… vaginal (to keep the Church happy) positions. Remember the Hebrews regarded God’s first commandment to be “go forth and multiply.” He said he would “increase” Eve’s birthing pains meaning more likely than not she had kids before the fall cause otherwise this would be a bit nonsensical.
Therefore sex is God-made according to the Bible! God didn’t look down into the garden of Eden and say: “What… in the name of Me are they doing down there!!!”
:twocents:
Click to expand...
I agree, don’t focus on the sin part, those are your beliefs not his. I would try to sit down with him and have a very open conversation about what the two of you want in your sex life, but you need to be very ready to hear what he might say. Are you sure that your open to the things him might want from you. Maybe he is unsure how you will react. If he won’t sit down with you and discuss it, then bring up therapy. Good luck.
 
Credo_in_Deum said:
With all sin but especially this sin, what is needed is a conversion of heart. Something has happened to your husband which has thrown him off the path and has led him into the slavery of lust. Whatever the case may be one thing is for sure; your husband is hurting inside and is trying to alleviate this hurt through the abuse of sensual pleasures. Also know you’re dealing with the devil and the devil loves to keep things a secret. He likes to isolate people and have them turn deeper and deeper into themselves to the point where the person thinks and acts as if they’re the center of the universe. One thing that will help will be to expose the problem. Bring it out into the light where it cannot hide, but do so with charity! Understand that but for the grace of God, you too would be in a worse position, and try to sympathize with your husband’s struggle by examining your own life to see which vice you are having issues with. Condemning your husband will not help since he is already condemning himself. Explain to your husband that the nature of sin is one which takes, takes, and takes but never gives back.

Let your husband know that you are there for him and that you do not look down on him even despite the sin. Let him know he is loved and therefore does not need things like pornography which cannot love him back. Pray to God for the grace to join your sufferings with Christ who bore the sins of all mankind out of love, and who is now asking you to bear the sins of one man -your husband- out of love for him. Try to think of your husband on your wedding day and know that the same man is still there but is hurting.
Click to expand...
^^^This

Faith is a life-long conversion process. He’s a soon-to-be new Catholic and it isn’t realistic to expect that all of his bad behaviors will suddenly end overnight once he’s received into the Church. The OP will have to help gently lead him there. Nagging him about it won’t work, I’m pretty sure of that.

As the OP mentioned, it’s a habit and a hard one to kick, and again that will take time. He may never totally overcome it but he may be able reduce the frequency he falls back into sin. As my wife says we all have hurts, a giant God-sized hole we need to fill and we usually attempt to fill it with the wrong things like alcohol, drugs, sexual sin, materialism, etc. It’s often difficult for someone who doesn’t share a particular temptation to understand why it’s so hard for someone who is so tempted, to give it up. The other issue is that deep down he probably feels shame and self-loathing over the habit; the attempt at justifying it, is the hard shell worn over that shame to keep it inside and hidden. But that only causes the bad habit to feed on itself.

The one thing I learned in 25 years of marriage is that you cannot control someone else’s behaviour. You only have control over yourself. My wife and I had a fairly terrible marriage until we both figured this out.

Oddly enough when I got better (but by no means perfect) at overcoming my own bad habits, and she hers, when we both felt unconditionally loved by God, and that made it easier to unconditionally love each other. It’s really hard to feel unconditionally loved by anyone, let alone God, when we hate ourselves, and a chronic addiction usually does lead to self-loathing, and self-loathing can lead to addiction or worsen it; it becomes a death spiral that is very difficult to get out of.
 
Thank you. This has been very helpful since it helps me look at things a bit differently. In 2010 he lost his job of 30+ years due to early (involuntary) retirement, and he’s never really felt the same about himself, which hasn’t really helped. A lot of his self-worth was tied up in that career, and I’m positive that there is some self-loathing at times. Seeing things from a male point of view provides a different perspective so that I can try to approach things from a different angle. Thank you again.
 
Update…Thanks to everyone previously for your help and support. That was three months ago and so much has happened since then. Since that time we’ve been through the marriage encounter retreat (which we got a lot out of), he has finished the RCIA program, and was he confirmed at the Easter vigil mass on Saturday. All of that negative behavior suddenly stopped once he knew that it was not considered “OK”, and once he could see that it really could be damaging to his marriage.

We are strong, we are unified, and we are close. I just wanted to pas this along.
 
auttiesvet said:
Update…Thanks to everyone previously for your help and support. That was three months ago and so much has happened since then. Since that time we’ve been through the marriage encounter retreat (which we got a lot out of), he has finished the RCIA program, and was he confirmed at the Easter vigil mass on Saturday. All of that negative behavior suddenly stopped once he knew that it was not considered “OK”, and once he could see that it really could be damaging to his marriage.

We are strong, we are unified, and we are close. I just wanted to pas this along.
Click to expand...
Glad to hear that things are now looking better with the porn issue. If you or any other woman reading this thread finds herself in need of support due to a husband or boyfriend using porn, there’s a support group here at CAF titled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity.” (Just search “Groups” in the top toolbar.) It deals specifically with the hurt wives or girlfriends feel due to that issue and has helped me tremendously in my marriage. Unfortunately it’s a very addictive habit that can seem to be resolved but very often isn’t.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top