Help - My wife wants ME to contracept - what to do

[tal3210]

What is one to do when their spouse wants them to contracept but feels after having 4 children that it is a sacrifice the man should make? What if the man doesn’t want to contracept in this situation? What if it is such a strain on a relationship that it could eventually make her want out of the marriage? What if there are 4 beautiful children in this family? Does anyone have any insight?

I have read a bunch of stuff on how it is acceptable to engage in marital relations with the spouse as the one contracepting, but I haven’t hardly found anything for this situation. Any help is appreciated.

 

[TheLittleLady]

First some questions, are you both practicing Catholics? If not, did you discuss your religious convictions prior to marriage?

 

[Mrchatsworth]

Your wife cannot dictate you to sin. Why would you think that was an option?

 

[annad347]

easy solution… stop having sex. Its not so hard, those of us who are single do it every day… at least you can go back together after goes through menopause.

 

[Guest1]

Do you both know about NFP?

 

[rosejmj]

It may cause the marriage to breakdown also. A healthy sex life is usually very important for a successful marriage

 

[redbetta]

Why doesn’t she use contraception herself? Why do YOU have to be the one that goes against your morals for something that she wants?

 

[HomeschoolDad]

You tell her “no”, and offer for both of you to go see a priest or a Catholic marriage counselor who is entirely faithful to the magisterium. And as others here have noted, NFP is an option. Does she refuse to do that?

easy solution… stop having sex. Its not so hard, those of us who are single do it every day… at least you can go back together after goes through menopause.

Is this a serious comment?

I’m about as hard-nosed on these kinds of issues as it’s possible to get, but even I was shocked by this, and I am not one to shock easily — seen too much, done too much, been through too much.

Absolute continence for a very long period of time is about as hard of an “ask” as there is, especially if one spouse wants to see the other one use contraception, and I’d like to think they could find a middle ground without resorting to sin.

 

[annad347]

@rosejmj true but if a healthy sex life is only important to one part of a marriage, and they achieved that 4 times already… also if its only benefiting to one member of the marriage, but has bad consequences to the other member of the marriage, the important for a successful marriage need to be reevaluated.

… I’d like to think they could find a middle ground without resorting to sin.

Yes, I’m serious. If you are not in a marriage you are asked to abstain… You have to live with the lust, desire, frustration and not be able to give into sex every day. Live with temptation all around you every day, pray to never fall into that sinful act every day… and no it is not easy.

So if using contraception is a sin then the best way to avoid the risk conceiving is by not having sex.

but I agree, I too hope in a marriage there would be middle ground without falling into sin.

and okay, honestly, maybe I wasn’t very serious when I first wrote it but why not, why not that be the solution. I don’t believe abstinence is a sin in a marriage if they already had 4 children.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

and okay, honestly, maybe I wasn’t very serious when I first wrote it but why not, why not that be the solution. I don’t believe abstinence is a sin in a marriage if they already had 4 children.

It’s not a good solution because the wife doesn’t want it, and isn’t in the frame of mind to accept the Church’s teachings with docility of heart and simple obedience — at least that can reasonably be inferred from the OP’s comments.

I agree that abstinence would not be a sin after four children, especially if both spouses would agree to it.

 

[annad347]

It’s not a good solution because the wife doesn’t want it, and isn’t in the frame of mind to accept the Church’s teachings with docility of heart and simple obedience — at least that can reasonably be inferred from the OP’s comments.

Yea well, the strength it takes to abstain in the world where the internet exist isn’t for everyone.

 

[1ke]

What is one to do when their spouse wants them to contracept but feels after having 4 children that it is a sacrifice the man should make?

You tell her that you love her, and that you cannot sin.

What if the man doesn’t want to contracept in this situation?

You tell her that you love her and you will not sin.

You tell her that you love her and will support periodic abstinence through natural family planning, or that you can totally abstain.

What if it is such a strain on a relationship that it could eventually make her want out of the marriage?

Counseling with the priest.

I have read a bunch of stuff on how it is acceptable to engage in marital relations with the spouse as the one contracepting,

Under the direction of your pastor, it can be if you are the innocent spouse and not contracepting.

 

[Tolle_Lege]

Threats of a marriage being destroyed unless a spouse is allowed to sin betray an erroneous thinking. There is no “out” for this type of situation aside from using NFP or abstaining from sex. It would be like justifying the use of pornography because someone finds it to be a stress reliever…“if I don’t do it, then I get angry and take it out on the people around me, which isn’t fair to them…”

 

[rosejmj]

If he in no way can have sex without violating his conscience some form of NFP seems moreoddle ground so they can avoid having more kids and still engage in sex even if it’s less often.

Whatever he chooses I think it’s safe to assume he really doesn’t want his marriage to end especially for his kid’s sakes. Completely giving up sex probably isn’t going to help that

 

[annad347]

Completely giving up sex probably isn’t going to help that

Never know until you try… maybe they’ll find a deeper relationship with each other… get closer to their kids… build a stronger relationship.

sex isn’t everything, people can live happy without it.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

It’s not a good solution because the wife doesn’t want it, and isn’t in the frame of mind to accept the Church’s teachings with docility of heart and simple obedience — at least that can reasonably be inferred from the OP’s comments.

People have been sinning sexually, and finding ways to do so, from the beginning of time. The internet has changed nothing except making free pornography available in the privacy of one’s home, and making it easier for fornicators and adulterers to find one another.

If someone finds the internet an occasion of sin, they can always install filters that will block undesired content, and pray for the strength to resist temptation if that sort of content gets through the filters.

Completely giving up sex probably isn’t going to help that

This would be fine, but again, from what the OP said, that’s not something the wife would agree to, in her present state of mind.

 

[rosejmj]

Sex isn’t everything but it can make or break a relationship. It becomes more important when it’s not present or not healthy in a relationship often

 

[TK421]

@tal3210

Contraception is a grave evil and you can’t do this. You should bring in some spiritual help and hopefully the situation can be resolved. Recommend a priest and/or marriage counselor for this. In my opinion, a Catholic laity marriage counselor is probably better than a priest in this instance, but you can reach out to both.

 

[Anicette]

If someone is contracept in violation of his conscience under the pressure of his or her spouse, because he fears to being leaved, I don’t see that as an healthy relationship.
It can works short time, but chances are, if no one evoluated in their thinking that it would become a ressentment, a stress and both would eventually more and more resentfull and anger toward each other.

And in the end, the spouses can eventuallu break because of this.

Don’t think it is the solution.

 

[Jen95]

“Marital debt”

Marital debt - Wikipedia