Help Navigating Mother vs. Husband

[newlywed8]

Gah, I need some advice navigating some difficult territory.

Some background:
I jut had my second daughter, about 20 months apart from my first. My mother said that she would come down to help for a bit when the second arrived, especially while I was physically recovering. She loves to come down and help, though typically it is only for a few days at time. She was a stay at home mom and now, with an empty nest, she often, in her own words “has nothing to do and wants to come see her granddaughter(s)”

However, my mom can be very indulgent, especially with my eldest daughter, who is almost 2. She picks her up and carries her everywhere, basically lets her do what she wants “oh, you want to go outside? let’s go outside!”, climbing to the top of the biggest slides in the park with her so she can go down them, etc. When I am with her I have to remind her not to give into tantrums for things like, “its time to leave” and sometimes she will even argue with me, “oh, just let her go down the slide one more time, then we will go”, and then I have to be the ‘bad guy’ and say ‘no’. Some of this, I know, is just part of being a grandparent.

On the other hand, my husband is driven absolutely berserk by the whole thing. He was born in another country and grew up without shoes, much less many toys, and he cannot believe how lenient my mother is with our daughter. Also, in his country, it is unheard of for a woman (or really, even a man) to enter a marriage, or even just adulthood, without knowing how to keep a house and how to cook. (I came into marriage without really either skill, I knew basics, like laundry and how to follow a recipe, but that was it).

Currently:
My mom was at our house for about 2 weeks (a few days before my daughter was born, because she was actually a few days late, then while we were in the hospital, then about a week when we were all home). She then went home for a week, and just come back a few days ago to help while I handle some doctors appointments for the new baby.
Let me make this very clear, I know that especially in the US, this is a great deal of help on her part, and I am grateful for her being willing to help this much.

However, the tensions between my husband and mother are quickly rising and I am very grateful that she will be leaving in two days. My husband and I are working to raise our daughters with a much greater sense of responsibility for their household (our 20 month old will help load the dishwasher with the dishes she used, sometimes she helps me hang laundry, etc) and a sense of simplicity, since we are not rich by any means.

My husband especially feels like my mother ignores us (him) at every turn. As a basic example, we have been asking for three years to remove shoes in the mud room, to say that she never remembers would be an understatement. Or that we have said not to get our older one riled up after she gets out of bath for the 20 min before bed, but just last night she started tickling her again and we had to reminder her again. She does not seem to realize that when she leaves, our daughter expects all of the same treatment, such as being able to watch multiple shows in a day, or being able to go outside whenever she wants, or being able to go to the top of the tallest slide, and when we do not give in we get tantrums and are total ‘bad guys’. I have to admit, it also hurts a little bit when my daughter only wants Grandma to give her a bath or take her outside or do whatever because grandma is so much more ‘fun’.

This morning my husband told my mom that she needs to say ‘no’ sometimes on their way to church (I stay home with the baby until her baptism around 40 days) and my mom came hold and was relaying it to me while rolling her eyes and said “all he does is say no to her!” Basically I now have them both complaining about each other to me.

What do you suggest I do to help keep the peace?

As a side, my parents have this idea that we should all be vacationing together, as in my family, them, my sis and my sis’s boyfriend (expected soon fiance), at least once each summer (in addition to regular visits) My husband never wants to go and his objections have only gotten stronger with this whole fiasco, and I know that if we don’t go they are going to blame him. I know my mom has already been complaining to my dad about my husband while she has been here. Neither of them is very talented at hiding their emotions so they both know they are unhappy with each other.

 

[1ke]

You need to be frank with your mother. Your house rules are your house rules, and if she cannot abide by them then you will have to decline her help and her visits.

It is unlikely that she has “forgotten” that shoes are to be removed in your mudroom for 3 years or that calm behavior is expected after bath time and before bed time. She may be doing passive-aggressive types of things to push your buttons and the boundaries.

You will have to step up and claim these house rules as your own (i.e. do not let her blame this on your husband) and get agreement to abide by them or tell her it’s time to go.

“Mom, when you do X (or encourage DD to do X) knowing that it is against the house rules, it starts to feel like you do not respect my parenting choices and are attempting to undermine them. Is that what’s going on here?”

 

[Bonnie]

Oh - I feel for you. I’m glad that you and your husband are on the same “side” in this - you’re going to need each other’s support even more as your children get older and your mother continues to not respect boundaries.

Since she isn’t being respectful of either you or your husband in your God-given roles as parents, you’ll have to be much more firm in dealing with her. I know that will be difficult as you probably don’t want to cut her off completely. And I have to admit I can’t give any practical advice - my mother & mil problems were very mild compared to yours!

So I’ll do what I can - I’ll pray.

 

[nhamm10]

Gah, I need some advice navigating some difficult territory.

However, my mom can be very indulgent, especially with my eldest daughter, who is almost 2. She picks her up and carries her everywhere, basically lets her do what she wants “oh, you want to go outside? let’s go outside!”, climbing to the top of the biggest slides in the park with her so she can go down them, etc. When I am with her I have to remind her not to give into tantrums for things like, “its time to leave” and sometimes she will even argue with me, “oh, just let her go down the slide one more time, then we will go”, and then I have to be the ‘bad guy’ and say ‘no’. Some of this, I know, is just part of being a grandparent.

.

Have to say I think that is special that your daughter has a grandma like that! So she picks her up and carries her everywhere? She loves the closeness. She takes her down the biggest slide at the park? Thank the Lord your mom is healthy and vibrant to do these things. She takes your daughter outside to explore the world, whenever she wants? Wonderful! Sounds exactly how I want to be. So she riles your daughter up a little a night and it takes her longer to fall asleep. She’ll be in high school before you know it. I know there are different personalities and different parenting styles but it can’t be all that bad. Your husband seems a little uptight about things. but… sit down all three of you without your daughter and talk about what bothers you and what you love about her and maybe the three of you can work out something where everyone is happy? Tell her concerns and she can tell you what she thinks (remember different strokes for different folks) if everyone respects each other and appreciates each other it should work out fine.

 

[St_Francis]

As a basic example, we have been asking for three years to remove shoes in the mud room, to say that she never remembers would be an understatement.

This sounds like a cultural difference. My parents were raised (and unsuccessfully tried with me ) to wear shoes pretty much *at all times. *I was constantly reminded to put on shoes when I was growing up.

For this, I would not make a big deal of it but just buy her some special slippers to wear inside your house.

Or that we have said not to get our older one riled up after she gets out of bath for the 20 min before bed, but just last night she started tickling her again and we had to reminder her again.

What I would do is figure out which issues to draw the line on, and this could easily be one (as could be the tv issue).

However, I would not expect my mother to grandparent exactly the way I parent. I would let them develop their own relationship. Things like taking her outside when she wants to go, sliding down the slide with her… these things don’t interfere with your schedule so they are ok. Tickling after bath time does interfere with the schedule, so gently remind your mother not to or have yoir daughter say goodnight to your mother before her bath.

(Obviously you and your husband set the criteria and choose the issues; I’m just giving examples.)

She does not seem to realize that when she leaves, our daughter expects all of the same treatment, such as being able to watch multiple shows in a day, or being able to go outside whenever she wants, or being able to go to the top of the tallest slide, and when we do not give in we get tantrums and are total ‘bad guys’. I have to admit, it also hurts a little bit when my daughter only wants Grandma to give her a bath or take her outside or do whatever because grandma is so much more ‘fun’.

Now I would say that this part of your problem you need to deal with your daughter about. This is not caused by your mother. Years from now you will hear the variation that all the girls in her class are doing it.

When your mother is there, be very clear to your daughter that she is so lucky to have a gandmother who does these things with her and that this is a Special Treat given by her grandmother.

When your mother is not there, agree with your daughter that it is fun when Grandmother does these things, and isn’t it lucky she gets that special treat when her grandmother is there! Sympathize with her about missing GM but remind her to be grateful for being able to spend that time with her grandmother and not greedy for more!

This is a process I taught by being grateful for what you get which I started teaching at mealtime by taking away their food if they complained about it. Only takes a couple of times! And the same with bedtime stories–say thank you, don’t ask for more because you will lose storytime the next night. And so on.

Do not *ever *give in to a tantrum. I used to pick mine up and put them on the couch and ignore them, except when they were bedtime problems. Tantrum in the store? I would pick the child up and put them in the carseat. They stayed in the car and I stayed outside the car til they were finished. Again, this does not take long for them to learn, unless there is already a different established pattern in which case there will be continued testing from time to time.

It is really great that your parents are happy developing a strong relationship with your children! I had only a grumpy grandfather and a far-away grandmother, so I didn’t get too much grandparenting.

 

[Xantippe]

There’s lots of good advice here. I’d add:

1. She’s not a local grandma, so you don’t need to patrol your borders as carefully as you would need to if she lived next door.
2. She sounds like a really cool grandma–work her hard!
3. As people said, enforce the schedule (i.e. bedtime stuff), because that is a major quality of life issue for you if your toddler’s schedule gets blown up and you can’t get her to bed.
4. Given that you also have an infant who is getting carried around all the time, having grandma carry the toddler around will be excellent for delaying the onset of jealousy. (I have a friend who discovered her preschooler piling pillows on her infant.) You’ll miss your mom when she’s gone.

Also, you wrote:

“On the other hand, my husband is driven absolutely berserk by the whole thing. He was born in another country and grew up without shoes, much less many toys, and he cannot believe how lenient my mother is with our daughter.”

Growing up poor has nothing to do with not being indulgent with children. Those are two completely separate things. You can be poor and strict, poor and indulgent, rich and strict, and rich and indulgent.

“Also, in his country, it is unheard of for a woman (or really, even a man) to enter a marriage, or even just adulthood, without knowing how to keep a house and how to cook. (I came into marriage without really either skill, I knew basics, like laundry and how to follow a recipe, but that was it).”

A lot of US kids are growing up without even that (and it’s not unknown outside the US, either). I really wouldn’t beat up on your mom for that.

 

[Xantippe]

“As a side, my parents have this idea that we should all be vacationing together, as in my family, them, my sis and my sis’s boyfriend (expected soon fiance), at least once each summer (in addition to regular visits) My husband never wants to go and his objections have only gotten stronger with this whole fiasco, and I know that if we don’t go they are going to blame him. I know my mom has already been complaining to my dad about my husband while she has been here. Neither of them is very talented at hiding their emotions so they both know they are unhappy with each other.”

My extended family did a yearly ski or CA trip that was a very big deal for us. I have no idea how my parents afforded it as we barely got by normally, but it was a wonderful experience for us and it was very helpful in building relationships among the cousins. (Now that we are all grown, I note that my parents don’t go on the trips anymore. I know my mom always hated travelling with her in-laws, particularly since given half a chance, they’d book our hotel rooms right next to each other.)

If your parents will pay, I’d be tempted to go (if you think the kids will sleep OK). If your parents are not paying, I can see how your husband would really hate paying for these non-vacations (for him) on top of travel to family. If your husband is balky, I wouldn’t mention him in my excuses, but would point out that the kids will get so much more out of it in 3-5 years.

I grew up in the same town with a doting grandma and have been close to her for nearly 4 decades now. My kids don’t have that relationship with their grandparents (both sets live thousands of miles away), and I regret it, while also being glad that I don’t have to negotiate those sticky relationships more than a few days a year.