Help! Need ideas on dealing with wife's spending

  • Thread starter Thread starter aspawloski4th
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
The way to instill a phobia is for her to be responsible for finances, getting herself out of hot water, and realizing that she didn’t have enough money for food let alone clothes! When I was in university I went through years of financial struggles, and did get myself into trouble a couple of times. Now I HATE spending money… my husband has to convince me to buy clothes, coats, etc.!

My mom is very similar to your wife, and I feel like she continued to do it, because my dad never held her accountable to her choices. She is clueless about their finances, she doesn’t even know what day my dad gets paid, what they’ve spent, etc.

I think encouraging her to bring some of the dough in is a really good choice.
 
This is a difficult situation. You may want to see if you can get counseling from a Priest if you can’t afford it from a counselor. Try the info from Phil Lenahan also. The Crown info is heavily protestant and differs from the Catholic perspective some. We used it long ago when it was Christian Financial Concepts but noticed the differences when reading Catholic financial advice later.

shop.catholic.com/cgi-local/SoftCart.exe/online-store/scstore/p-CB025.html?E+scstore

A budget is very important. Seeing the bills laid out and their amounts has quite an impact. We have allowances also. Its a very fair way to do things. Setting up bi-weekly or monthly financial meetings is helpful.You might have to do some of those protective things such as cancelling credit cards or putting a hold on your credit report for new credit. It’s going to damage your credit but from what you say it may already be a moot point.

Finally check on your own ideas about money. From what you describe about your Mothers spending you may be way too far to the other side about feelings and emotions with spending. You and your wife can work to get to the middle ground.
I also agree that although this has settled down in money issues it is also solidly about other issues. Such as your wife’s self-esteem and perhaps even yours. Absolutely you need to do the counseling perhaps both marriage and individual for both. I don’t care what it costs you seem to be in the situation where you can’t afford not to do it.
 
Depressed, unhappy and miserable women spend money they don’t have. That’s what is happening here. She doesn’t care because she is in emotional distress.You need to talk about what is bothering her, deep down. Why are new clothes so vitally important? Did someone say something to her once that hurt her? Who is she trying to impress? Why doesn’t she confide her fears to you? Does she think you won’t understand or take her seriously? Is she spending too much as a way to get your attention? Or to get back at you for something? While my marrriage was ending and I struggled to get my husband to care, I found myself on ebay a lot. The final month of our marriage, I found that I had spent over $300 on ebay alone on purchases that I did not need and honestly didn’t want. I was looking for anything I could to help me cope, to calm down, to stop the panic and anxiety I was feeling. That was before I came back to the church of my youth…anyway, when friends came to help me move out of the family home, they were amazed at the amount of “stuff” I had stored away. Some of it I had even forgotten I had! I sold it all for pennies. Now I live very simply and the urge to buy is gone, gone, gone.
 
My fiance spends a lot too. He makes good money, but he loves buying things for his sisters and his mom. So, he told me that he needed my help making a budget. He told me taht as much as he hated putting this burden on me he wanted me to be very involved with our finances to make sure he wasn’t spending too much. I felt very flattered that he thought so highly of my self control. I do tell him “no” alot when it comes to going out to dinner. Some people don’t ask for help and it is up to you to take the first step. The seperate account idea is good because it appears that your wife has no respect for the work you do to earn the money that feeds, clothes and shelters her. I was lucky enough to be way too knowledgeable about my parents $ issues, so I understand what money is for and how it works in the world. I also took a business class that helped show me where money goes and how investments work. Maybe if you have a buddy who knows about this she could talk to him, or better yet, maybe se could sit in on a college class, business 101 is usually full of people so they wouldn’t notice your wife sitting there listening in (as long as there weren’t any quizzes or exams going on).
 
40.png
1ke:
This is not about money. Your wife has some psychological & emotional problems that need to be dealt with. Get into therapy pronto.

The money is only a side-issue. Of course you need a budget. Of course you need to save. Of course you should not spend above your means. BUT-- you will not get this through to her as long as her emotional and psychological issues remain.

I do agree Dave Ramsey’s website & books are good. But, I don’t think they will help you until your wife resolves her issues through good, solid counseling.

Contact your local Catholic parish, dioces, or Catholic Charities for a list of Catholic counselors and those who will work with you for a reduced or waived fee.
Click to expand...
The thing that jumped off the page is that you have no children due to her health issues. This could be a root problem that leaves her more depressed than she has been able to cope with. Especially as she gets older and her friends’ children are coming to her with “show off pictures” of their grandchildren. She may not even recognize that as an issue … or it may not be an issue for her at all. Either way, she does need intervention. I know if you try this on your own she may resent you for it. Call your archdiocese for counseling recommendations or a Spiritual Director.

I do know this…my mom is a spender… (I love that entry above, Hello, Dad? Is that you?) I can relate to that. No matter what her husband did (not my dad) she got worse…she even hates him. This is her 3rd marriage. Divorce/seperation doesn’t solve anything, it just leaves you lonely and without even more money because she will find a way to take 1/2 of your income anyway…Maybe that’s a deal for you. I don’t know. Lovingly take away her means and attending counseling with her would be the best advise for you two.
 
Im calling the diocese to set up counseling the first of the year mainly for her. mainly so she can get the idea that there is consequences to acctions something very foreign to her. in the mean time at least the check book is hidden from her.
 
Divorce/seperation doesn’t solve anything, it just leaves you lonely and without even more money because she will find a way to take 1/2 of your income anyway…Maybe that’s a deal for you.
Click to expand...
:rotfl:
 
I can’t think of anything to add here, except that you have moved onto my prayer list.

Boy, your wife would have fun with me. I bet she could never tell I dress in almost ALL used clothes, or clothes that are on the very last discount.
 
one detail I may have not mentioned on account of it being atleast in my opinion very bazare is to any given function ie sunday mass, apspecial dinner, etc she knows exactly what she wants to wear to it, and if she doesnt have it she is willing to spending ANYthing to get it, I meant she very specific on what she wants to, ie color, style, shade of color etc. she wants specifically what she wants to the point of willingness to sell her soul to satan over it. I fail to see what function that serves.It seems to be a sick obsession to me.as a result of this she has filled 4 closets(all) in the house and has lots in boxes. the few times she hasnt had what she specifically what she wants for going somewhere she gets out of control upset,she gets pouty, and sometimes crys.
well hopefully counseling will help fix this.
 
Ehm…goodness…where do I begin? First of all, my mom was like that, she spent, spent, spent and as she was a widow on a very small state-widow’s pension, I grew up terrified to be thrown onto the streets because she was always late with the rent. As I got older I tried EVERYTHING, I got her to talk to professionals, priests, you name it…I pleaded with her, argued …EVERYTHING…but she never listened, and by the time I was 26, I moved out and said to her ‘Don’t ever tell me about your finances again, I don’t want to know’…and when she died I took one glance at a bank-statement and was SICK! I made sure she had a good Catholic burial that was paid for, all the rest of the bills I just returned unopened to the sender with ‘person deceased’ on it. I think I spent a good 6 months very, very angry with her for never having handled her finances very well…Then, I looked back at her life: born during the war, in extreme poverty, spent years in foster care with families who only took children for the money, working from age 14, a long long line of lowly paid dead-end factory jobs and later as a cleaner in a mental asylum…then she met my dad, had a few happy years, I was born, he got cancer…she nursed him for years, he died…she got depressed and started spending… Looking back, she didn’t have much of a life, so I can understand how buying stuff might have satisfied a ‘need’. And from what you write, you’re both not in good health, can’t have children…she might really have wanted to, you know…and this spending might be her way of ‘feeding that need’…I don’t know you, and I can’t be sure. But it sounds to me like she has some real emotional issues that she will need help with or this will go on forever!

Anna x
 
just to keep everyone tuned in, I have left a message to my local Catholic social services, and waiting for a response.
 
Ive got an appointment for me and wifey to meet with I assume is a counselor from Catholic social services jan 17th.
 
aspawloski4th:

If I read your posts correctly, you are thinking of setting up a home business. Please consider this very carefully. It takes money, time, energy and discipline to do this. Since your wife lacks discipline, I would encourage you to find her an easy job that she can do part time. Like stocking greeting cards at a store or working in an office. If it could be a job where she could wear some sort of uniform, such as in a hospital or restaurant, all the better since the clothes problem wouldn’t be an issue. Please do not fall prey to those advertisements that promise an impressive monthly income while working from home. If something seems to good to be true, it probably is not real. Your wife needs to be accountable to someone outside the home for employment. Perhap going to a junior college vocational/technical school might be the first step for her career.
 
I know of several low investemnt at home businesses, and my wife is incapable of working a job because of her arthraitis, anyone who hires her would have to accept many sick days, frequent breaks because of bladder control problems. and there are no jobs to be had here in michigan our econmey is much worse than the rest of the country. any at home business would be go about slowly and cautously. anyone who knows how she is on the phone and with meeting new people, would conclude she is the perfect person to make an at home business succeded in the people part of it, id mamage the money part. that why I want to get into one. I have been involved in reliv and quixstar thru brit world wide, so I know the potential, its just by myself I lack the time, and a little bit of the people skills for that, but my wife has an over abundance of people skills, its just there arent those kind of jobs around here and employers around here have no understanging some like her. most employer here dont allow people to call in sick muchless give sick days, with the unprectictability of hewr artraitis, her getting the flu 2 to 3 times a year, her frequent doctor visits she wouldnt last at any job I know of around here.
 
after reading your post further, about her going to a junior colege. I neglected to say. she is scared of and utterly hates computers, which is something you have to know how to work in all offices these days.
 
I’m glad to hear you are going for counseling. I hope you let us know how it goes. Home business…hmm. Because of her illnesses (which could be related to her depression and spending) I can see the attraction to that. But, given her financial background, well. I don’t want to be rude, but can you trust her with a home business? I mean, what if on the way to the bank she sees a darling pair of shoes and thinks, “ooh, I can pay this money back on Tuesday?” Do you have plans on how to handle the money that might come into her hands before paying the business expenses? I know a lady that took over my Avon accounts for me. I did very well in Avon, but I also stayed away from “the deals” that would “make you money”. The lady that took over my accounts called me three months after taking over asking if it was normal to be $500 in the hole with Avon! Good grief!! What was she thinking? Consider carefully what access she has to your accounts and what she can do to those accounts. If she is ordering products, make sure they are just for the customers. Good luck… wow, I have to tell my husband how lucky he is! just kidding… 😃
 
40.png
aspawloski4th:
I know of several low investemnt at home businesses, and my wife is incapable of working a job because of her arthraitis, anyone who hires her would have to accept many sick days, frequent breaks because of bladder control problems. and there are no jobs to be had here in michigan our econmey is much worse than the rest of the country. any at home business would be go about slowly and cautously. anyone who knows how she is on the phone and with meeting new people, would conclude she is the perfect person to make an at home business succeded in the people part of it, id mamage the money part. that why I want to get into one. I have been involved in reliv and quixstar thru brit world wide, so I know the potential, its just by myself I lack the time, and a little bit of the people skills for that, but my wife has an over abundance of people skills, its just there arent those kind of jobs around here and employers around here have no understanging some like her. most employer here dont allow people to call in sick muchless give sick days, with the unprectictability of hewr artraitis, her getting the flu 2 to 3 times a year, her frequent doctor visits she wouldnt last at any job I know of around here.
Click to expand...
…which is why she is on disability. Is she blowing all her disability income on clothes and stuff? It seems your wife may be isolated and depressed.

Now as far as her working, she isn’t able to go out and work like a normal person and being on SSDI you are only allowed to make a limited amount. But…would she be able to do some volunteer work?? If she can get on a bus once a week and do some volunteer work at a hospital, animal shelter, food pantry, church office that would take her out of the house and get her mind on other things besides shopping.

You say she spends money on yarn?? Does she crochet or knit? Maybe she can make knitted sweaters, hats, etc. and sell them at craft fairs? Or Ebay?
 
40.png
Celeste88:
…which is why she is on disability. Is she blowing all her disability income on clothes and stuff? It seems your wife may be isolated and depressed.

Now as far as her working, she isn’t able to go out and work like a normal person and being on SSDI you are only allowed to make a limited amount. But…would she be able to do some volunteer work?? If she can get on a bus once a week and do some volunteer work at a hospital, animal shelter, food pantry, church office that would take her out of the house and get her mind on other things besides shopping.

You say she spends money on yarn?? Does she crochet or knit? Maybe she can make knitted sweaters, hats, etc. and sell them at craft fairs? Or Ebay?
Click to expand...
Most excellent advice. 👍
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top