HELP NEEDED: A mother's perspective and relationship advice

[chevalier]

Pray a lot. Really do. You probably own a rosary, don’t you? If not, get one. Start getting used to it. Learn the prayers in other languages… that’s what my priest in highschool (missionary) would do to avoid falling asleep, loosing interest and starting to mumble etc. Perhaps contemplate the mysteries from the point of view of events in your life.

Whatever you do, be humble. And respectful. You may and will probably need to disagree. If you have to disagree, disagree respectfully. And humbly.

It does indeed sound like her mother has some strange ideas. But maybe she has a different understanding of dating? Still, 18 is old enough to marry. Per Catholic Canon Law, 14 for a girl and 16 for a boy already is, while 12 and 14 still was enough not a long time ago.

What she needs to know is that you are friends first and foremost. Romantic feelings are fickle. It’s friendship what allows you to rekindle romance and keep reviving the fuzzy feeling whenever it starts fading. So yes, you are friends above all. You sincerely wish to marry one day and are convinced that each other is the right person. Is her mother opposed to your hopes of marrying each other in the future? I hope not and think not.

She probably needs to know that you aren’t taking her away, cutting her out of her world, family, friends, whatever else. That what holds you together is love and sincere desire to share lives, not the power of a promise or teenage custom.

Still, I’m pretty convinced she sees what’s going on between you and isn’t opposed to that and would intervene if she were. Come on, all mothers see that. She probably fears the idea of you two forgetting about the faith for a while in the hour of trial and doing something unchaste. You both should, as well. It’s really easy to drop the guard.

 

[Fitz]

I would love for one of my daughters to meet a fine young man as yourself to date. I think in the end the mom will understand and accept you as the boyfriend once her daughter continues to display this mature behavior.

I met my husband when I was 14. We dated on and off for the next 12 years. WE maintained a relationship as friends, but dated other people sometimes since we went to different colleges. In high shool my mom didn’t allow steady dating and that is what I told him. After college he went into the Army (Vietnam was still going on, but he went to Germany for adding on another year of duty).

When we were able to maintain a close friendship that many years we turned our relationship into what we might have wanted all along. We got serious and then engaged and we have been married 28 years. I think, looking back, we survived all those years because of our solid friendship and I hope things work out for you.

I will add a word of caution. I think the visits might get hard in terms of pressure for intimacy. Stay close to God and your ideals. You will not be sorry.

 

[turboEDvo]

Thank you to everyone who replied. We are going to sit down with her mother on Memorial Day and chat. This is because we both have the whole day off, so I’ll probably head over early, hit Mass with her mother (we usually go to the 5:30 and her mom goes to the 7:00 AM, but I think it would be good to go to the early Mass with her mom). Then, we’ll sit down and talk. I’ll be sure to keep everyone posted.

Eamon

 

[Fashina86]

turboEDvo:

Thank you to everyone who replied. We are going to sit down with her mother on Memorial Day and chat. This is because we both have the whole day off, so I’ll probably head over early, hit Mass with her mother (we usually go to the 5:30 and her mom goes to the 7:00 AM, but I think it would be good to go to the early Mass with her mom). Then, we’ll sit down and talk. I’ll be sure to keep everyone posted.

Eamon

I too want to thank you for all the advice given. We have much more courage to face my mother now than before.

 

[Giannawannabe]

turboEDvo:

As a sidenote, I acknowledge that it is uncommon for high school relationships to successfully end in marriage, but I respectfully request that you direct comments toward the aforementioned question, rather than telling me that we are crazy and bound to fail. If I had not already thought through this many times over, I wouldn’t even be posting. Thank you for your help.

Eamon, just a thought. My husband and I were highschool sweethearts. Our first kiss was in 7th grade. We maintained a long distance relationship through the college years. We remained chaste t/o our dating years and now have been married for 18 years. It is possible. Especially with 2 such mature and faithful people like you and your gf.
I like the “go to Mass” with gf’s mom and talking over lunch. As a mom, if my daughter and her boyfriend approached me with this much respect and maturity, I would definitely give my blessing. Good luck and keep us posted on what happens.

 

[Fashina86]

Thanks all for your support! The meeting was quite successful. Mothers and fathers know so much. Why didn’t I just give them credit to begin with? Oh well. Mom gave the two of us prayer cards for a successful and holy courtship and said that she and Dad supported us. We had worried ourselves all day, and it was fine. I am so happy that they approved and told me. They had stated earlier that they had approved, and talked with each other, just never bothered telling me. That is okay and I am glad that we all got to talk. YAY! Thanks again for all your prayers and (name removed by moderator)ut. Mom and Dad had fun reading all the posts and chuckling. (in a good way)

 

[Giannawannabe]

That is wonderful Laura!!! I hope I didn’t write anything that made Mom and Dad mad ??? God bless you both for respecting your parents so much in this matter. Not to mention the respect you obviously have for each other!!!

 

[Fashina86]

Giannawannabe:

That is wonderful Laura!!! I hope I didn’t write anything that made Mom and Dad mad ??? God bless you both for respecting your parents so much in this matter. Not to mention the respect you obviously have for each other!!!

No you didn’t, in fact, they were quite impressed with all the complimenterary posts and (name removed by moderator)ut from everybody ont eh forum! YAY! Thanks for your help and confidence.

 

[turboEDvo]

Yes, thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut. Her parents were great about it. I just remember giving her mom this huge packet of post we printed off, and she said “So, do I have to read all of these?” Hehehe. Thank you again.

Eamon

 

[KittyKat]

Congrats!
I am happy that parents are so accepting about your relationship. It can be very hard for parents to see their kids grow up.

Making it through college can be hard, but by the time you have made it through the trials you have grown so much.

I just hope you both don’t have horrible phone bills while separated. I hope everything turns out great!

It is really hard to finish college when you know what you are waiting for, but it is great when you get married and have an education. My parents made us promise that we would graduate before getting married.
Kat

 

[Fashina86]

KittyKat:

Congrats!
I am happy that parents are so accepting about your relationship. It can be very hard for parents to see their kids grow up.

Making it through college can be hard, but by the time you have made it through the trials you have grown so much.

I just hope you both don’t have horrible phone bills while separated. I hope everything turns out great!

It is really hard to finish college when you know what you are waiting for, but it is great when you get married and have an education. My parents made us promise that we would graduate before getting married.
Kat

cell phones after 9:00 reduce phone bills immesly and also we have e-mail! Yippee!

 

[mercygate]

Fashina86:

Thanks all for your support! The meeting was quite successful. Mothers and fathers know so much. Why didn’t I just give them credit to begin with? Oh well. Mom gave the two of us prayer cards for a successful and holy courtship and said that she and Dad supported us. We had worried ourselves all day, and it was fine. I am so happy that they approved and told me. They had stated earlier that they had approved, and talked with each other, just never bothered telling me. That is okay and I am glad that we all got to talk. YAY! Thanks again for all your prayers and (name removed by moderator)ut. Mom and Dad had fun reading all the posts and chuckling. (in a good way)

God bless you all.

As a mom, whose daughter went to Boston University (with a 70:30 ratio of women to men) and brought home the best dreamboat of a smart, good lookin’ CATHOLIC guy anybody could ask for – I know what it feels like to have the “perfect” son-in-law ditched by my daughter on the grounds of “I’m too young, and there’s no magic, Mom.” OK. Ya gotta have magic. OK they WERE too young. Sigh.

God prosper your relationship.

 

[Fashina86]

mercygate:

God bless you all.

As a mom, whose daughter went to Boston University (with a 70:30 ratio of women to men) and brought home the best dreamboat of a smart, good lookin’ CATHOLIC guy anybody could ask for – I know what it feels like to have the “perfect” son-in-law ditched by my daughter on the grounds of “I’m too young, and there’s no magic, Mom.” OK. Ya gotta have magic. OK they WERE too young. Sigh.

God prosper your relationship.

magic? I never heard about that…but I am just a teenager… what do I know? Well… whatever it is… we will make sure that it’s present… thanks for your support…

 

[turboEDvo]

Fashina86:

magic? I never heard about that…but I am just a teenager… what do I know? Well… whatever it is… we will make sure that it’s present… thanks for your support…

Oh yeah, the magic’s there…for sure!!!

Eamon

 

[leaner]

Eamon, I’ll tell you what – I’d let my daughter date you!! (and I only have ONE, so that says something!!)

I’m glad it all worked out so well for you guys – I have to ask tho, do either of you have thoughts of going into OB/GYN? The world could sure use some more with morals!!

 

[Fashina86]

leaner:

Eamon, I’ll tell you what – I’d let my daughter date you!! (and I only have ONE, so that says something!!)

I’m glad it all worked out so well for you guys – I have to ask tho, do either of you have thoughts of going into OB/GYN? The world could sure use some more with morals!!

]

we both want to practice medicine… but, Eamon wants to be a pediatric surgeon (or something like that) and I was looking into forensics or some sort of ER surgeon (or something to that extent)… but we will decide on that when med school comes up! Thanks for your support…

 

[turboEDvo]

leaner:

Eamon, I’ll tell you what – I’d let my daughter date you!! (and I only have ONE, so that says something!!)

I’m glad it all worked out so well for you guys – I have to ask tho, do either of you have thoughts of going into OB/GYN? The world could sure use some more with morals!!

Well, I have talked with my mom about professions in medicine since she is a pediatrician, and she noted that OB/GYN’s have a particularly tough time because babies just kinda come whenever (and they love the nighttime). She also told me that unless one finds a very good medical group that covers well, being an OB/GYN and having a family can be tough due to the high on-call demand and likelihood of needing to rush out in the middle of the night or some other important event. With surgery, I’ve been told that I’ll have a little more control over my hours, which will be helpful for the home front. However, it’s all in the works still, we shall see what fits for us when the time comes.

Eamon

 

[BarbaraTherese]

turboEDvo:

Thank you for any advice you can give. Please bear with me, this is a long post but it is also very important to me. Please do not assume that I am playing the role of irrational, emotional teenager with the following post, because I really am not (though I suppose I will let you judge for yourself). Thank you again…I have taken much out of the original post in the interest of brevity, but please refer to the original post for the entire overview of the presenting problem… thought through this many times over, I wouldn’t even be posting. Thank you for your help.

Hi there turboEDvo…now this is an Aussie perspective because I am Australian and live in the bonny place!

You are stuck…you have all these facts on your plate and are going round and round…you need to see a road ahead. Honesty is always the best policy. In Australia you would be classed as adults and you will be marrying your partner, not your mother in law. Therefore, as an adult you tell the mother that you are indeed dating.

Consequences of our actions always involve X the unknown factor. In other words, there are no guarantees whatsoever that this or that WILL (as an absolute certainty) HAPPEN. So you tell her mother and then what happens is what you deal with…you then have perhaps a new decision to make…but at least you are moving (JOURNEYING) and not stuck!..as you are now.

Regards to you both and the very best of luck!
Prayers - Barb
Bethany in South Australia
Wed. 7.6.05 12.29am

 

[Fashina86]

turboEDvo:

Well, I have talked with my mom about professions in medicine since she is a pediatrician, and she noted that OB/GYN’s have a particularly tough time because babies just kinda come whenever (and they love the nighttime). She also told me that unless one finds a very good medical group that covers well, being an OB/GYN and having a family can be tough due to the high on-call demand and likelihood of needing to rush out in the middle of the night or some other important event. With surgery, I’ve been told that I’ll have a little more control over my hours, which will be helpful for the home front. However, it’s all in the works still, we shall see what fits for us when the time comes.

Eamon

Same with my mom… She said that unless you find a good group or partner to work with, you are stuck on call 24/7… But we have time and will think and we go!