Help needed with future Mother in law

  • Thread starter Thread starter Ral91
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
R

Ral91

Guest
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and lived with him for 2. I am 22 and he is 32. We are seriously considering marriage but are having issues convincing his mother to accept this. Until now she has not had any issue with me except that I was raised in the Church of Scotland and not Roman Catholic. My boyfriend and I (out of respect for ourselves and our parents- both are equally devoted to their respective faiths) have not engaged in a sexual relationship as we were both raised to believe this is something that belongs within a marriage. I have always been nothing but respectful of their faith, have attended mass and baptisms etc with no issue.
I was raised in a very small town in the north east of Scotland and attended what we call a Christian school. Assembly and service was taken by a different member of clergy each day. Monday was Catholic, Tuesday was Church if Scotland, Wednesday Episcopalian, Thursday Baptist and Friday Church of England.
In terms of children we have agreed that ours would be raised Roman Catholic but also raised to be respectful of other Christian beliefs. The local priest has agreed to meet with me in the year leading up to our marriage (we are hoping to marry late next year) in order to educate me further in the Catholic faith so that I am able to participate in the religious education of any children we have.
We wanted to marry in my local church (our local priest has said this is possible as long as we meet with him to ensure my bf has the necessary approval of the Catholic Church) as every woman in my family going back to my great great grandmother has been married there- it is family tradition. However we decided that this would not be fair on his family. Instead we have decided to marry at a local castle in what would be a civil ceremony (this would be on a Saturday). The local Priest has agreed to marry us in the Chapel on the Friday night - I believe my bf needs a catholic marriage in order to continue to receive communion however I am not certain. We agreed that only his parents would be present during this but it has caused uproar. Since we announced that we wish to marry I have been called every name under the sun. She refers to me as ‘the heathen’. I believe she is disappointed in two of other children (5 in total) - one who became pregnant outside marriage and married secretly in a registry office and one who is openly gay and living with another woman. I understand that mixed relationships are difficult but we are doing everything we can to please everyone. We wish to include our respective families in our marriage but my bf is now wanting to elope to avoid his mothers attitude. Any advice would be much appreciated
 
I would suggest that your boyfriend set up a meeting with his pastor and his parents to have the pastor mediate the discussion between them regarding how inappropriate it is to treat a fellow Christian in such a manner. You should not be there. This is their problem, not yours.

He must put a stop to their inappropriate behavior. He should avoid putting you in the middle at all costs. This is between him and his parents. He is a 32 yo man for heaven’s sake.

He needs to step up and deal with it, not run away and elope, or this is how your whole married life will be.

Talk to the Catholic pastor about options for the marriage ceremony. You are referring to a dispensation from form so that he can marry you in a non-Catholic venue. This can be done.
 
1ke said:
I would suggest that your boyfriend set up a meeting with his pastor and his parents to have the pastor mediate the discussion between them regarding how inappropriate it is to treat a fellow Christian in such a manner. You should not be there. This is their problem, not yours.

He must put a stop to their inappropriate behavior. He should avoid putting you in the middle at all costs. This is between him and his parents. He is a 32 yo man for heaven’s sake…
Click to expand...
This. It will be easier for everyone involved and less painful for you, OP, if you insist a) that this conversation take place and b) that they get this ironed out in your absence.

You might want to reconsider, however, whether his family would really prefer a “neutral ground” ceremony to one held in a Christian church with the blessing of your fiancé’s pastor. Just because you would not be getting what you want does not mean that they are getting more of what they want. It may be that they’d rather attend a ceremony in the “wrong” church, but with everyone on their side invited, than to have most the family excluded from a ceremony held in a “neutral” setting.
 
The way I understood it, the OP is going out of her way to please her future ILs.

There is to be a fully Catholic wedding on Friday which only his parents will attend.

Then, on, Saturday, a civil ceremony will take place in a castle, which other guests will attend as well.

In much of Europe, a civil ceremony is required by law, while a religious wedding is an optional extra, so many people have two weddings.
 
The only issue is his Mothers view. His father does not mind at all providing that we do raise any children Catholic. The rest of his family (aunts,uncles etc) were all very excited and encouraging when we said that we were leaning towards a castle setting. I have had no issues with the woman previously but now she treats me with nothing but contempt. My bfs priest has already tried to reason with her but she refuses to see any other way other than her own.
 
Ral91 said:
My bfs priest has already tried to reason with her but she refuses to see any other way other than her own.
Click to expand...
If your BF does not put his foot down and insist that this nonsense stop immediately, and then back it up with consequences that he (a) means and (b) follows through on, then just cast your gaze to the horizon and look out over the next 30 years of your life.

What do I see? A trail of misery.

To me, it would be a show stopper.
 
Everything 1ke said 🙂

Why would it not be fair to be married in your ancestral church? Is it too far for your BF’s family to travel?

If not, I’d say get married in your family Church and have your BF’s priest do the ceremony. I don’t know how it works in Scotland, but here in the U.S. it is pretty common for priests to marry people in other churches or even secular settings. I think you’d regret not marrying there considering the length of the family tradition.And it might sadden your family if you marry elsewhere.

Just for chuckles, better to call you “the heathen” than what my friends mother exclusively calls his fiancee…“Moose-headed B***h”. It could be worse,
 
My BFs parents live in Glasgow, my family is from a small town outside Aberdeen. We have been to Ireland several times for weddings on his side of the family so travel is not the issue. We did suggest this to her- ceremony in my church with both a Priest and a Rev. This is commonly done in my family- around half of my aunts and uncles have married Catholics. However she has spoken out against this saying it would be an insult to her faith. It is a very difficult situation to be in. She is originally from Northern Ireland nd there has been much conflict there and I can’t help but wonder if that has coloured her view at all. I am at my wits end. I showed my bf the thread I created on here and the responses. He has tried to put his foot down with his mother but she refuses to accept it. She has said to him on several occasions (which I am only now being made aware of) that we should continue live the in unmarried celibate style which we do currently. I have been in discussion with the local Priest (a lovely man I might add) about the possibility of converting to Catholicism in the future- something which he actually advised me against doing before we marry for fear that I would only be doing it to appease my mil. However I must admit that her treatment of me has put me off this- I was raised to be respectful of all religions because in the end we are all Gods children
 
1ke said it best.

If your boyfriend has tried to reason with his mother and has gotten nowhere…he needs to set up consequences and mean them.

Otherwise she will be lording over you and your boyfriend for the rest of your lives. It won’t stop here with the wedding.

She’ll have issues with everything and try to butt in with everything…and potentially…disagree with everything you do.

You both need to decide on the consequences and follow through on them.
 
Take a good long look at your husband to be. If he cannot manage to have a civil discussion with his own mother about something that is obviously so important to him, you are in for a lifetime of pain and suffering at the hands of your domineering mother-in-law while your husband stands by and does nothing. You may want to reconsider taking this on for a lifetime. don’t think that everything will magically change after the wedding ceremony. it’s not logical.
 
MJJean said:
If not, I’d say get married in your family Church and have your BF’s priest do the ceremony. I don’t know how it works in Scotland, but here in the U.S. it is pretty common for priests to marry people in other churches or even secular settings.
Click to expand...
It is not “pretty common” in the US, and anywhere you have seen it is irregular. If a Catholic receives a dispensation from form, a priest may not officiate at the marriage per canon law.

A priest who celebrates a wedding in a place other than a Catholic church, chapel, oratory, cathedral, etc, requires permission of the bishop to do so. I have never seen this given.
 
Ral91 said:
My BFs parents live in Glasgow, my family is from a small town outside Aberdeen. We have been to Ireland several times for weddings on his side of the family so travel is not the issue. We did suggest this to her- ceremony in my church with both a Priest and a Rev. This is commonly done in my family- around half of my aunts and uncles have married Catholics. However she has spoken out against this saying it would be an insult to her faith. It is a very difficult situation to be in. She is originally from Northern Ireland nd there has been much conflict there and I can’t help but wonder if that has coloured her view at all. I am at my wits end. I showed my bf the thread I created on here and the responses. He has tried to put his foot down with his mother but she refuses to accept it. She has said to him on several occasions (which I am only now being made aware of) that we should continue live the in unmarried celibate style which we do currently. I have been in discussion with the local Priest (a lovely man I might add) about the possibility of converting to Catholicism in the future- something which he actually advised me against doing before we marry for fear that I would only be doing it to appease my mil. However I must admit that her treatment of me has put me off this- I was raised to be respectful of all religions because in the end we are all Gods children
Click to expand...
Hi,

I’m an American of Irish extraction. Half of my Grandfather’s family immigrated here from Ulster. Even though we are a few generations from what my family referred to as the old sod, stories have been handed down. I’m willing to bet that your MIL’s problem is due more to that then to her Catholic faith

I personally would be honored to be your MIL. How wonderful that you are so willing to do that which is right as we Catholics see it. I hope that your future husband will not marry outside the Church to spite her. I can’t tell you how similar our stories are, but I’m the MIL. If only our family had this “problem”. You and your future husband owe her respect but it isn’t necessary to accommodate her temper tantrum.

Annie
 
Used2beSherryG said:
Take a good long look at your husband to be. If he cannot manage to have a civil discussion with his own mother about something that is obviously so important to him, you are in for a lifetime of pain and suffering at the hands of your domineering mother-in-law while your husband stands by and does nothing. You may want to reconsider taking this on for a lifetime. don’t think that everything will magically change after the wedding ceremony. it’s not logical.
Click to expand...
👍

If he cannot stand up to her now, he won’t ever do it.
 
Ral91 said:
My BFs parents live in Glasgow, my family is from a small town outside Aberdeen. We have been to Ireland several times for weddings on his side of the family so travel is not the issue. We did suggest this to her- ceremony in my church with both a Priest and a Rev. This is commonly done in my family- around half of my aunts and uncles have married Catholics. However she has spoken out against this saying it would be an insult to her faith. It is a very difficult situation to be in. She is originally from Northern Ireland nd there has been much conflict there and I can’t help but wonder if that has coloured her view at all. I am at my wits end. I showed my bf the thread I created on here and the responses. He has tried to put his foot down with his mother but she refuses to accept it. She has said to him on several occasions (which I am only now being made aware of) that we should continue live the in unmarried celibate style which we do currently. I have been in discussion with the local Priest (a lovely man I might add) about the possibility of converting to Catholicism in the future- something which he actually advised me against doing before we marry for fear that I would only be doing it to appease my mil. However I must admit that her treatment of me has put me off this- I was raised to be respectful of all religions because in the end we are all Gods children
Click to expand...
I just saw the Glasgow reference. A neighbor of ours is a Catholic from Glasgow. He is very very prejudice against protestants.

Annie again
 
Ral91 said:
My BFs parents live in Glasgow, my family is from a small town outside Aberdeen. We have been to Ireland several times for weddings on his side of the family so travel is not the issue. We did suggest this to her- ceremony in my church with both a Priest and a Rev.
Click to expand...
Your minister would have to receive the exchange of consent and vows. The Catholic priest could be a witness, could read Scripture, give a blessing, etc, but there are specific rules of what he can and cannot do at nuptials where the Catholic has received a dispensation from form.
Ral91 said:
However I must admit that her treatment of me has put me off this- I was raised to be respectful of all religions because in the end we are all Gods children
Click to expand...
I am sorry to hear that. I hope you will approach Catholicism on its merits, not on emotion related to one person’s bad behavior. Maybe she needs mental health evaluation.
 
There would be a Catholic ceremony on the Friday followed by the kirk wedding on the Saturday with the priest performing a blessing within the church. The Priest would also be giving the prayer at the beginning of the wedding reception/meal. Trying to figure out what consequences to present her with is something I personally am struggling with. She is still his mother and I would love to be able to include her. My bf says he will tell her not to come to his birthday party and we are having my family and his over for Christmas Day- again he says he will tell her she is not invited unless her behaviour improves. Even his siblings have told her she needs to relax but she is very tightly wound over the issue. Is there anything within Catholic teachings that I could ‘hit her with’ so to speak? She has begun to imply that Catholicism teaches that all non Catholics will be damned to hell- something I have never come across with any Catholic friends/Priests. I am shocked she has waited till now to bring this up as she never had one objection when we bought our house together.
 
Ral91 said:
There would be a Catholic ceremony on the Friday followed by the kirk wedding on the Saturday with the priest performing a blessing within the church. The Priest would also be giving the prayer at the beginning of the wedding reception/meal. Trying to figure out what consequences to present her with is something I personally am struggling with. She is still his mother and I would love to be able to include her. My bf says he will tell her not to come to his birthday party and we are having my family and his over for Christmas Day- again he says he will tell her she is not invited unless her behaviour improves. Even his siblings have told her she needs to relax but she is very tightly wound over the issue. Is there anything within Catholic teachings that I could ‘hit her with’ so to speak? She has begun to imply that Catholicism teaches that all non Catholics will be damned to hell- something I have never come across with any Catholic friends/Priests. I am shocked she has waited till now to bring this up as she never had one objection when we bought our house together.
Click to expand...
Please do not get into arguments with your boyfriend’s mother. It will not end well. Let him handle the entire situation, and if he doesn’t handle it in your favor, then I would highly advise that you spend some time re-thinking your marriage to this man. It is too bad that you are starting out in this way.

And I also don’t understand how you would be allowed to have more than one wedding ceremony. You will already be married on Friday evening, you can’t get any more married and most ministers would object to pretending as if you were starting all over again the next day.

It’s just very awkward, all around. But I will add you to my prayers.
 
“Even his siblings have told her she needs to relax but she is very tightly wound over the issue. Is there anything within Catholic teachings that I could ‘hit her with’ so to speak? She has begun to imply that Catholicism teaches that all non Catholics will be damned to hell- something I have never come across with any Catholic friends/Priests. I am shocked she has waited till now to bring this up as she never had one objection when we bought our house together.”

By the way, you should probably check with a Catholic priest if your joint ownership of a house is an obstacle to the validity of your marriage. It’s very important in our faith for couples to freely enter into marriage, and the joint ownership of a home might be an obstacle. Talk to a priest about it.

With regard to your future MIL, I’m not getting the vibe that she sleeps with a copy of the Catechism under her pillow or eats breakfast while reading the Code of Canon Law. I may be wrong, but based on your description, I don’t think that she’s really into Catholic doctrine, as opposed to 1) not being Protestant or having anything to do with Protestants 2) family tradition and/or 3) getting her way. I think this is less a religious issue and more a classic in-law situation. She didn’t listen to the priest you spoke to, did she?

There’s a small chance that this may be temporary, as a lot of relatively normal people freak out around weddings (not just brides). She’s losing her baby!
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Please do not get into arguments with your boyfriend’s mother. It will not end well. Let him handle the entire situation, and if he doesn’t handle it in your favor, then I would highly advise that you spend some time re-thinking your marriage to this man. It is too bad that you are starting out in this way.

And I also don’t understand how you would be allowed to have more than one wedding ceremony. You will already be married on Friday evening, you can’t get any more married and most ministers would object to pretending as if you were starting all over again the next day.

It’s just very awkward, all around. But I will add you to my prayers.
Click to expand...
I think it’s not uncommon in Europe to have both a religious and civil ceremony.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top