Help! Non practicing relatives angry about not being picked to be godparents

[Happy2bcatholic]

I’m trying to prepare ourselves for when we break the news to our siblings that none of them were picked to be godparents. Instead we picked my cousin and her husband who are devout practicing catholics to be godparents and guardians. I’m pretty sure that my sister-in-law (sil) is going to be pretty upset. She is the type that wants to ‘play without paying’ meaning she feels that the church rules are silly and she should be godparent regardless of the fact that she does not attend Mass.

Any suggestions? Thanks.

 

[K-McD]

Be firm and tell her in so many words to “Get over it.” This kind of stuff will happen all your children lives. “But MOOOOM! All the kids are attending the coed sleep over.” Standing firm in the beginning will make it easier to deal with them in the future.

 

[StratusRose]

When you tell her, I’d concentrate on telling her why you picked the cousin instead of telling her why you did not pick her. If you say things like “Well, we know that you don’t attend Mass regularly, and they do…and they take church rules seriously and you don’t…” she will be easily offended and may become even more estranged from the Church.

You can maybe say that you and your husband thought a lot about it and prayed about it, and you felt that your cousins were the best choice for raising your child in the Church incase something were to happen to you.

 

[mercygate]

Happy2bcatholic:

I’m trying to prepare ourselves for when we break the news to our siblings that none of them were picked to be godparents. Instead we picked my cousin and her husband who are devout practicing catholics to be godparents and guardians. I’m pretty sure that my sister-in-law (sil) is going to be pretty upset. She is the type that wants to ‘play without paying’ meaning she feels that the church rules are silly and she should be godparent regardless of the fact that she does not attend Mass.

Any suggestions? Thanks.

Cite the Code of Canon Law, #774§2.

Before all others, parents

are bound to form their children, **by word **and example, in faith and in christian living. **The same obligation **binds godparents and those who take the place of parents.

(Emphasis mine). Also, ask your priest; you’re not the first couple to have this problem. He might have some good thoughts.

 

[mercygate]

Happy2bcatholic:

I’m trying to prepare ourselves for when we break the news to our siblings that none of them were picked to be godparents. Instead we picked my cousin and her husband who are devout practicing catholics to be godparents and guardians. I’m pretty sure that my sister-in-law (sil) is going to be pretty upset. She is the type that wants to ‘play without paying’ meaning she feels that the church rules are silly and she should be godparent regardless of the fact that she does not attend Mass.

Any suggestions? Thanks.

Cite the Code of Canon Law, #774§2.

Before all others, parents

are bound to form their children, **by word **and example, in faith and in christian living. **The same obligation **binds godparents and those who take the place of parents.

(Emphasis mine). Also, ask your priest; you’re not the first couple to have this problem. He might have some good thoughts.

 

[buffalo]

Quote Canon Law and share with them the expectations and duties of a Godparent. Being a “good” person is not enough.

 

[puzzleannie]

the line we used in a similar situation was, “we did not want to offend you by asking you to comply with regulations of the Church which go against your conscience, since you have been kind enough to share with us your disagreements with the Church, we wanted to show respect for your feelings and beliefs, and hope you will show us the same respect.”

 

[Michael_C]

In the last three years I chose God Parents based on their faith. My famly uinderstands how serious I take mey faith and based on that they’re ok with it. Be strong!

 

[AirForceMama]

I was in this situation jsut a couple weeks ago. I have one sister who is very religous, but very NOT Catholic. She is Protestant in the worst form. Even though she loves God, she does not respect our faith, therefore, she is not a godparent.

My DH has one brother, who although is a cradle Catholic, that is the extent of his faith - birth. His actions do not portray that of someone I wish my kids to see a role model in.

We chose friends to be our kids godparents - and we have 3 kids - so that’s 6 godparents! Two of them are not Catholic, but are not anti-Catholic, and DO respect our teachings.

The worst of those to “break the news” to was my MIL. She is so family oriented, that her view is a bit skewed when it comes to the real reasons for things (such as choosing a GOOD godparent). We just simply told them that we chose people who were already a role model for my children, who resepected our faith, and who chose to own up to the responsibility of being a godparent (such as going to church every Sunday, making sure the kids pray before meals when we are with them, etc). Even though there were comments made and such, we said nothing more and held our ground.

The important thing is that the kids get baptized.

 

[Michael_C]

AirForceMama:

I was in this situation jsut a couple weeks ago. I have one sister who is very religous, but very NOT Catholic. She is Protestant in the worst form. Even though she loves God, she does not respect our faith, therefore, she is not a godparent.

My DH has one brother, who although is a cradle Catholic, that is the extent of his faith - birth. His actions do not portray that of someone I wish my kids to see a role model in.

We chose friends to be our kids godparents - and we have 3 kids - so that’s 6 godparents! Two of them are not Catholic, but are not anti-Catholic, and DO respect our teachings.

The worst of those to “break the news” to was my MIL. She is so family oriented, that her view is a bit skewed when it comes to the real reasons for things (such as choosing a GOOD godparent). We just simply told them that we chose people who were already a role model for my children, who resepected our faith, and who chose to own up to the responsibility of being a godparent (such as going to church every Sunday, making sure the kids pray before meals when we are with them, etc). Even though there were comments made and such, we said nothing more and held our ground.

The important thing is that the kids get baptized.

This is interesting. My last two children each has a Godparent that is not Catholic but Christian. I made this decision because at least they had a genuine faith in God. Many of my relatives are Catholic in name only. Also, they do respect my faith and would honor my desire they be brought up Catholic.

 

[Happy2bcatholic]

Thank you all for your responses. They are very helpful!

 

[Tantum_ergo]

Have things changed in the nearly 20 years since my youngest was baptized? We were only permitted to have as godparents practicing Catholics. I do have two “witnesses” for my youngest who are not Catholic but are Christian and very respectful to the faith, since her godmother was an older relative who had some health issues (thankfully resolved) .

I didn’t think you could have as godparents anyone but a practicing Catholic, but my priest said we could have as “witnesses” any Christian who would contract for helping our child be raised in the faith.

So, does anyone know what the current requirement is to be a godparent? Can one be a non-Catholic and be a godparent to a Catholic?

 

[mercygate]

More canonical detail:

Can. 874 §1 To be admitted to undertake the office of sponsor, a person must:

1° . . . be suitable for this role and have the intention of fulfilling it;

2° be not less than sixteen years of age, unless a different age has been stipulated by the diocesan Bishop, or unless the parish priest or the minister considers that there is a just reason for an exception to be made;

3° be a catholic who has been confirmed and has received the blessed Eucharist, and who lives a life of faith which befits the role to be undertaken;

4° not labour under a canonical penalty, whether imposed or declared;

5° not be either the father or the mother of the person to be baptised.

§2 A baptised person who belongs to a non-catholic ecclesial community may be admitted only in company with a catholic sponsor, and then simply as a witness to the baptism.

 

[Michael_C]

Tantum ergo:

Have things changed in the nearly 20 years since my youngest was baptized? We were only permitted to have as godparents practicing Catholics. I do have two “witnesses” for my youngest who are not Catholic but are Christian and very respectful to the faith, since her godmother was an older relative who had some health issues (thankfully resolved) .

I didn’t think you could have as godparents anyone but a practicing Catholic, but my priest said we could have as “witnesses” any Christian who would contract for helping our child be raised in the faith.

So, does anyone know what the current requirement is to be a godparent? Can one be a non-Catholic and be a godparent to a Catholic?

You’re right Tantem, I should be more careful with the terminaology. Two of them are witnesses not God parents. Thanks for pointing that out and reminding me.

 

[dhgray]

Happy2bcatholic:

Any suggestions? Thanks.

I have been to a lot of “Spanish” style baptizms where they have the primary Godparents and the secondary Godparents. The primary are the Godprents of record and the secondary is just an honory positoin. So you SIL can feel like a Godparent.

With that said, I agree with **StratusRose **Tell her why she is not chosen as a primary Godparent.

God Bless,
DHG

 

[MParedon]

I think that you might want to ask, “What do you think a Godparent does?”

Many people have mistaken notions of the role of a Godparent and once you inform them of the responcibilities that you EXPECT of a Godparent, then they might back off.

For example. Say you EXPECT the Godparent to go to Mass every Sunday (exept in extreme cases of emergencies). Any Godparent that doesn’t is not fullfilling the role of Godparent and therefore you CAN’T choose that person as Godparent.

As a parent you have a right to expect these things from Godparents. If they don’t want to fullfill the requirements, then they themselves made the choice of not being a Godparent.

 

[buffalo]

Michael C:

This is interesting. My last two children each has a Godparent that is not Catholic but Christian. I made this decision because at least they had a genuine faith in God. Many of my relatives are Catholic in name only. Also, they do respect my faith and would honor my desire they be brought up Catholic.

If not Catholic they are not Godparents. They are called Christian Witnesses. Whole different thing.

Baptism requires a minimum of one Catholic Godparent - (one that is practicing and can get a letter)

 

[buffalo]

Tantum ergo:

Have things changed in the nearly 20 years since my youngest was baptized? We were only permitted to have as godparents practicing Catholics. I do have two “witnesses” for my youngest who are not Catholic but are Christian and very respectful to the faith, since her godmother was an older relative who had some health issues (thankfully resolved) .

I didn’t think you could have as godparents anyone but a practicing Catholic, but my priest said we could have as “witnesses” any Christian who would contract for helping our child be raised in the faith.

So, does anyone know what the current requirement is to be a godparent? Can one be a non-Catholic and be a godparent to a Catholic?

No, they have not. What has changed is lack of knowledge and lack of enforcement by some.

 

[Lilyofthevalley]

Happy2beCatholic, it is only fair you pick the God parents you think can do the best job. As for the folks who are angry about the situation, I think you can kindly explain that you have a certain set of criteria for God parents. If they want to fill it, they can get to it.

 

[carol_marie]

Pick the people you think will best support YOUR Catholic faith. When we switched from Non Demon to Lutheran we recognized that we needed to get our 3 children baptized. We picked our very best friends in the world to be God Parents - people who were awesome Christians, but didn’t really believe in infant baptism. What a mistake. They scoffed at the whole thing and at the end of the day basically said, “We can’t believe you go to THAT church.” What was supposed to be a special day for us turned out to be a great big drag.