Help! Not me anymore

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Vikki2973

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These past two and half years have changed me in ways i could have never imaged. Two tears ago I was this strong, independent women. I would go to work, come home, take care of my family, then do my school work. I was happy and content. Today, i have anxiety attacks walking through a store by myself. I dont work and the thought of it scares me. I have had to give up all of my friend because for reason or another my husband doesn’t like them, so i have no support system. I feel like a failure. I think my husband has found a way to make me completely dependent on him, and like a fool i let him. I have even given up on going to Mass because he doesn’t like to go. How do i become me again when im so scared of my own shadow now?
 
Vikki2973 said:
I have even given up on going to Mass because he doesn’t like to go.
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You can start by going to Mass again. What happens if you don’t please him?

You can also go to therapy. If you are giving up your own identity to please him, then you have your own issues to resolve.

You can rebuild your social support system by reconnecting with your friends. If for some reason or another he doesn’t like them, that is on him.

Learn the signs of a toxic relationship and look out for them.
 
I dont drive and we live in an area were there are no buses, so if he doesn’t wanna go, we don’t go, that includes therapy.
I have started to talk to some of my friends again, but without him knowing. He doesn’t hurt me or anything like that. He just makes sure i know he’s unhappy, stomping around like a 5 year old who didn’t get what he wanted.
 
I know it’s hard when you don’t drive. Have you made any acquaintances at church? Maybe you can call someone who lives in your area, to give you a ride.

It really sounds as if your husband has a ‘controlling’ personality. You shouldn’t have to give up your own life, just to please him. It’s always healthier to have contact with others. Does your family live nearby? You really do need human contact, and probably professional counseling.
 
I live in my xads house. But my dad and i aren’t very close. Actually he acts like my presents here is a nuisance to him. I’ve been looking for a place for children and i to move, but not having much luck. My family is really fractured sonce my mom passed in August. I guess the only way to change is baby steps and force myself to change.
 
Vikki2973 said:
stomping around like a 5 year old who didn’t get what he wanted
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I remember being five, I got trained out of it.

Have you seen your doctor about the anxiety attacks?
Does your husband know you have anxiety attacks?

If he loves you he might think again about his jealousy of your friends. He may need reassurance that they aren’t competition for him, if he’s a little lacking in confidence.
 
There are hotlines and shelters for women even in very remote areas. If you are being abused emotionally, verbally or physically, get yourself and your children to a safe place.
 
Have you considered going to Al-Anon? It is for relatives and friends of people who suffer from the effects of alcoholism, which, if you think about it, is just about all of us.

I’ve been in therapy for years, too, and it can help a lot.

My two cents.
 
I have seen doctors about my anxiety. I have learned techniques to help, but the still happen, and now more often since all this stuff is going on.

He knows i love and adore him. I have tried a number of times to reassure him my friends are just that, friends. I think he’s insecurity lies deeper than it just being me.
 
When i was younger we were so poor that we didn’t have a car. When i got out on my own i was already married. He would never teach me no matter how much i asked. Always for something more important to do.
 

This is something that you would need to work through, several websites have helpful charts.

Another thing to think about, would you want your daughter to marry a man who treated her the way you are treated? Who isolated her?
 
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I can see your point. The funny thing is I have always thought of my self as independent. I don’t know when I became this person. I don’t know how to change, even though i know i need too.
 
Reach out to the resources near you. Your pastor may or may not have local resources for you, however, google “domestic abuse” and your town, go to your library and ask, call the local United Way or call Catholic Charities at your Diocese, call your local hospital, there are many places who can point you in the right direction.
 
I can relate to the independent woman who can no longer feels like herself in a matter of a few years. And the anxiety. Please just know that you are not a failure and cling to Jesus more than ever. It is crucial for your emotional strength and spiritual guidance. Go to Mass! He is going to be unhappy weather you are doing things his way or not. Go to Mass!!!
 
I have asked him a number of times to please rake me to Mass, but he refuses. My daughter even asked him and some how he finds something else to do when its time to go. I don’t drive so i depend on him to get places.
 
Vikki, emotional abuse and controlling behavior like this from a man takes place in small increments over a number of years. It is never a good sign when a husband takes steps to make his wife totally dependent on him by cutting her off from her friends, isolating her physically (in your case, not teaching you how to drive so you can go places on your own), refusing to take her to Mass or therapy when they want to go, etc. This is not a case of a man who is “a little lacking in confidence”, it is a pattern of systematic abuse.

You probably were independent before. Emotional abusers often select women with some independence or strength and then work on breaking them down, vanquishing them in some way, which causes the abusive man to feel stronger because he totally dominated an independent woman.

Please reach out by telephone to a hotline/ counselor who can help you with this. Your anxiety may very well be stemming from your inner sense that something is very wrong.
 
Two years ago, how did you get to work, to Mass, to school? Did you drop out of school, too. This can be quite serious.

I know that your mother died, and yes, grief can change a person. But, you eventually move on! Do you think your mom would like to see you the way you are?

If it means making up with friends, make up with them. Have you spoken to your priest?

It may seem hard, but, there’s a way out of this. You say you have a daughter…is this the example of Christian marriage you want her to have? You know it isn’t. You, and your children, deserve better. If it means moving into a women’s shelter, do that. Many well-adjusted, successful women have gone that route!

It won’t be easy, but start planning an escape route, now! You’ll be so glad you did. You deserve so much better than what you have now!
 
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