Help please: beloved deceased family elder approved of abortion

[ccmcmg]

Your advice to me on reconciling my love and hurt for my beloved family elder who died many years ago, and with what I recently learned would be appreciated.

I will call this person “R”. R was a family member of mine, many years older, that I always looked up to, and was one of the holiest people I ever met; I’ve said that hundreds of times. R was not Catholic, but Protestant. R truly lived out the Christian life and the Bible both in words and actions. I knew R very well, as well as anyone of my generation would have known R, and I was blessed to call R family. I never thought that R was perfect, but also never thought R would approve of this evil.

Okay, for the sake of ease, I’ll reveal that R was my grandparent. R’s child, my parent, recently revealed to me, during one of our many discussions, that R believed in abortion; the words my parent used were, “R said that it would be better for the babies to be aborted than to enter this world unwanted.” This hit me in the gut, very hard. I am one of those babies who entered this world unwanted. I am adopted, and I know for a fact that neither of my birthparents wanted me. (I do know that my parents DID want me, for they adopted me from that situation.) I am fairly sure that my grandparent R was referring to the children who are neglected, abused, etc. However, the revelation has flattened me in dual ways.

I am quite shocked that my grandparent, the one who taught Sunday School at their church, and never gave one hint of this during their life, believed this, but I know my parent would not have told me this if it wasn’t true. My parent didn’t tell me this to hurt me, or to shatter any illusion about my grandparent (I’m 100% sure of this) but it was very much in the context of the conversation we were having. I can only imagine how much it hurt my own parents to hear that, to know that, since they themselves couldn’t conceive, and would (and did) adopt those ‘unwanted at birth’ babies. I will concede that I do not know the full context of the conversation that led to my grandparent telling this to my parent; just as it is easy to take scripture out of context, quotes can lose some context without knowing the full conversation. But to me, there is no middle ground on the abortion issue.

In addition, R always was very welcoming to the ‘unwanted’, or ‘bad seeds’ of the small town where I lived; R always invited them to R’s church, welcoming them to Sunday School, and greeting them with joy instead of fear. R was never hurt by them.

Maybe I’m just needing to vent. I know I still love R with all my heart, and that part of my grief is not only that R believed in something so evil, but losing a piece of the illusion I had about R. I told my husband I wish I didn’t know that; but, perhaps I’ll be able to understand and reconcile it soon, and use the understanding for future good. Perhaps I’m posting so that your thoughts can help me on my journey to reconciling this, and understanding, and growing closer to God myself. Rather than dissect what my grandparent did/didn’t believe or say, can you help me heal this in my heart?

I don’t ‘hate’ people who believe in abortion, or even have abortions. I don’t understand them, not with the understanding that I have in believing in life.

Thank you.

 

[agnes_therese]

I think you should keep in mind that you never heard this from R. Now, please understand that I’m in no way saying your parent would lie about this. But you don’t know the circumstances under which this was said, you don’t know the context, and you don’t know if R changed opinions later.

 

[Todd977]

Your family member did not have the sure guide of the Catholic Church to inform his conscience so it is not surprising that he may have held erroneous views on the subject of abortion, as the Bible itself does not explicitly address the subject. From the sounds of it, he was invincibly ignorant of the true nature of abortion, that it is contrary to God’s will, and God probably won’t hold it against him. As Jesus said:
And that servant who knew his master’s will, but did not make ready or act according to his will, shall receive a severe beating. But he who did not know, and did what deserved a beating, shall receive a light beating. Every one to whom much is given, of him will much be required; and of him to whom men commit much they will demand the more. (Luke 12:47-48)
Nevertheless, the Church recommends that we pray for the dead, even for the most devout people. “May the Lord grant him to find mercy from the Lord on that Day.” (2 Timothy 1:18)

 

[LilyM]

The one thing that is sure in this life, apart from death and taxes, is that if we make a semi-idolise someone they will eventually prove disappointing in one way or another.

The only remedy, really, is to appreciate the great and good parts of R’s character while realising that, like all humans ever except Jesus and Mary, R had feet of clay.

 

[AdelaidaM]

Hmm, I am sensitive to this kind of issue so maybe I don’t have the right answer. I would say it also depends on the relationship your parents had as children with their own parents. You’re talking from the point of view of the grandchild. And we all know how warm the relationship from grandparents to grandchildren and vice-versa can be. After all, they’re the ones that spoil us, teach us, spend time with us when parents are at work, cook for us, and perhaps they are also more patient this time. I too prefer to have a rather idealistic vision about my grandparents, but maybe they weren’t like this.

Let me tell you my story, in short, and you’ll see what I mean. I am a single mom, I was initially pregnant with twins, but only one of them was born. My 1.3 old son. My mother put a huge pressure on me to abort, I mean HUGE, she had actually talked to a clinic and almost made an appointment, I was taken to psychiatry, etc. I won’t go into detail. While I was desperate and depressed I also thought of just giving birth and then give the child for adoption. Luckily it was just a passing thought. My relationship with my mother had always been difficult, but it became even more so. Now. I can see that my son loves her very much, he simply adores her. I know he’s small, but I think this love will last. Still, I always thought that he has to know the truth about his father, my mother and what happened before or at the time of his birth. Or at least, my version of the truth. Although, facts are facts… So, if I’ll ever talk to my child about this, I will have to be extra cautious not to hurt his feelings and not to do it out of my own hurting. I’ve told you this story to see that, apparently, your mother knows things about her mother that you couldn’t know. And maybe these things aren’t always nice.

Nevertheless, it is true you didn’t hear this directly from your grandparent and you can’t talk to her anymore. Maybe it was just something taken out of a conversation or from a specific situation. You could also ask your mother more details, why did she bring this into discussion, was it a strong opinion of your grandparent, how smooth was your adoption process, what were the social circumstances back then, etc? To give you another example, when my mother was young, abortion was forbidden by law where I live, but a lot of women her age were and are in fact in favor of abortion, they were even more determined to abort. This explains things a little, though it doesn’t excuse them.

Hope this helps.

 

[Della]

People often hold philosophical positions they’ve have never had any personal experience nor understand the full horror of. They accept without question the euphemisms used to soften the fact that abortion is the deliberate killing of a human being out of a sense of “compassion” based on sentiment and not on facts, reason, or God’s law. Your grandparent strikes me as one of those well-meaning people who would probably get sick if s/he ever saw a real abortion. People commit all kinds of horrors in the name of kindness, which is not love or derived from love but from fear. Fear is not of God. Awe, marveling at God’s attributes, and humility certainly are, but not servile fear, which is what motivates such people whether they know it or not. People fear being out of control of their lives–which often leads them to selfish acts/opinions they would never otherwise do/have.

Finally, you cannot really know what your grandparent meant by saying it. As someone else pointed out, you don’t know the circumstances or the context of the statement nor how seriously s/he held that position. Simply having an opinion is not sin, but teaching others to to defy God’s law would be. It doesn’t sound like your grandparent had that intention nor that s/he would really have participated in an abortion. If given all the facts s/he might have changed his/her mind since it sounds like s/he wished to be in line with God’s will. So, don’t stress over this–pray for him/her, instead. S/he is in God’s merciful hands now. Whatever bad opinions s/he had no doubt vanished in the light of Christ’s face.

 

[Book_Worm]

You have said that you only knew your grandparent as well as any person of one generation could know another two generations older. You probably don’t have any real knowledge iof the things she saw or experienced in her lifetime.

She may have seen horrors that affected her so deeply that she was led to the conclusion she reached. Suffering, or seeing someone you’re close to suffer, physical, mental or even sexual abuse could cause you to wish you or the person experiencing it had never been born.

And the Catholic view that a soul exists from the moment of conception is far from universal. I’ve heard a fetus described as “a bunch of cells” many times. If that is what a person believes, it’s not a giant step to believe that destroying a bunch of cells is preferable to bringing a child into a world where it is unwanted, unloved, and possibly abused.

Please try to remember the beautiful things about your grandmother and the lessons she taught you and leave judging her to God.

 

[Aggie414]

I think you should keep in mind that you never heard this from R. Now, please understand that I’m in no way saying your parent would lie about this. But you don’t know the circumstances under which this was said, you don’t know the context, and you don’t know if R changed opinions later.

I second this. Let me preface that by saying I work in a criminal courtroom and have seen some horrendous abuse cases!!! Do I support abortion? Absolutely not. I’m very prolife; but after sitting through a trial where a baby was killed, I actually said “I wish she would have chosen abortion over doing that.” Do I support abortion? No. But it just proves that people don’t ALWAYS mean what they say or the context can be distorted.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t think you should be concerned about what someone else said that a deceased person believed. First of all, they are no longer here to defend themselves and second, people’s belief change throughout their life. Just because your parent had a dicussion with your grandmother where she might have said something like that doesn’t mean that she believed that her whole life.

 

[underacloud]

There are lots of good answers to the OP so far.

Firstly, to put it bluntly, this is hearsay. You should not put too much weigh into it.

Secondly, I think one could easily say that what your grandparent is suggested to have said (“R said that it would be better for the babies to be aborted than to enter this world unwanted”) does not mean they suppport or believe in abortion, but that the explanation offered by Aggie414 is at least as likely, if not moreso.

Thirdly, I have said lots of stupid things over the years and hope that no one holds them against me over the long term or when I’m gone. People change over time, as do their views.

Don’t worry about this and continue to pray for their soul.