Help please. I'm confused. What is allowed in a non marriage relationship?

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Lozza_Lauren

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Hi

Im catholic and have been raised right but i am in my first relationship and im very very confused about what is right and wrong with interaction between my bf and i.

I do not want to sin but im so confused as i read different things in many different ways. Its confusing as i read some things that make me understand whats allowed and whats not allowed but then some other stuff i read, is not so clear and kind of says certain things are ok

Im trying to do my best to not sin but very confused

Thanks
Lauren
 
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Don’t have sex until you’re married.
Avoid things that rouse in you the temptation to have sex.
 
Sexual intercourse, penis in vagina.
Oral sex, stimulation of genitals with intent to cause orgasm.
Actually any activity intended to cause orgasm is forbidden till you marry.
 
  1. You are not allowed to have any sort of sexual relations before you are married, as this would be a sin (fornication). This includes intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, mutual masturbation, individual masturbation in front of the other person, getting each other to orgasm or part of the way to orgasm when you’re both partially dressed, etc. It’s all considered sexual relations.
  2. You also should not engage in any behavior that is likely to lead to sexual relations or putting each other in the mood for sex. This would include things like:
  • dirty talk/ cybersex
  • touching or groping each other intimately
  • watching the other person touch or grope themself intimately
  • getting undressed in front of each other past the point where you could walk down the street in whatever you still have on
  • letting the other person take off your clothes past the point where you could do this in front of other people on the street (example: boyfriend helps you off with your coat = okay, boyfriend takes off your shirt leaving you in your bra = not okay)
  • passionately kissing
  • being alone together in a setting that encourages sexual behavior (such as in your bedroom, in the back seat of a car parked in the woods, in your living room at 2 am on the couch with all the lights off, etc. )
  • sending nude or partially nude selfies to each other (this would also be a sin against modesty)
  • wearing suggestive outfits around each other (this would also be a sin against modesty)
  • drinking alcohol when you’re together (if you are under the drinking age wherever you live, then drinking would also be a separate sin in addition to possibly putting you in the mood for sex)
  • looking at porn together, or looking at porn and thinking of your boyfriend, or him looking at porn and thinking of you (looking at porn is also a separate sin in addition to possibly putting you in the mood for sex)
  • going to a place that is likely to make you have sexual thoughts, like a strip club or a movie that contains nudity and graphic sex scenes
  • and anything else that is likely to make you or your boyfriend feel like having sex, which could vary person to person. For example, if going to the beach and seeing everybody running around in bikinis makes you want to have sex, then maybe you need to avoid that; another couple might be able to go to the beach and just enjoy swimming, surfing, taking a walk, etc. without feeling like they want to have sex. If being left alone in the house with your boyfriend makes you want to have sex, then don’t stay there in the house alone, go out somewhere. etc.
I hope this is clear. If you need more guidance, feel free to ask a priest, a Lifeteen coordinator, etc.
 
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Thanks. See this is why its so really confusing and there are so many things to think about. Im confused anyway
 
This is the time to build the friendship that will sustain you through tough times if you later marry. It is the time to assess and pray whether the two of you are a good match for marriage. Sex only complicates things, and warps your judgment.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
ou also should not engage in any behavior that is likely to lead to sexual relations or putting each other in the mood for sex. This would include things like:

dirty talk/ cybersex
touching or groping each other intimately
watching the other person touch or grope themself intimately
getting undressed in front of each other past the point where you could walk down the street in whatever you still have on
letting the other person take off your clothes past the point where you could do this in front of other people on the street (example: boyfriend helps you off with your coat = okay, boyfriend takes off your shirt leaving you in your bra = not okay)
passionately kissing
being alone together in a setting that encourages sexual behavior (such as in your bedroom, in the back seat of a car parked in the woods, in your living room at 2 am on the couch with all the lights off, etc. )
sending nude or partially nude selfies to each other (this would also be a sin against modesty)
wearing suggestive outfits around each other (this would also be a sin against modesty)
drinking alcohol when you’re together (if you are under the drinking age wherever you live, then drinking would also be a separate sin in addition to possibly putting you in the mood for sex)
looking at porn together, or looking at porn and thinking of your boyfriend, or him looking at porn and thinking of you (looking at porn is also a separate sin in addition to possibly putting you in the mood for sex)
going to a place that is likely to make you have sexual thoughts, like a strip club or a movie that contains nudity and graphic sex scenes
and anything else that is likely to make you or your boyfriend feel like having sex, which could vary person to person. For example, if going to the beach and seeing everybody running around in bikinis makes you want to have sex, then maybe you need to avoid that; another couple might be able to go to the beach and just enjoy swimming, surfing, taking a walk, etc. without feeling like they want to have sex. If being left alone in the house with your boyfriend makes you want to have sex, then don’t stay there in the house alone, go out somewhere. etc.

I hope this is clear. If you need more guidance, feel free to ask a priest, a Lifeteen coordinator, etc.
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Where did you come up with this list?
 
I was young once and had parents who taught me what a “sin” and a “near occasion of sin” was. It’s not real hard to figure out if you have a working libido.

I am 99.9% sure that no Catholic on this board is going to claim the Church says it’s okay for an unmarried couple to do any of the stuff I listed.
 
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I don’t blame you. Who could follow lengthy lists like that all day long?
 
Lozza_Lauren said:
Hi

Im catholic and have been raised right but i am in my first relationship and im very very confused about what is right and wrong with interaction between my bf and i.

I do not want to sin but im so confused as i read different things in many different ways. Its confusing as i read some things that make me understand whats allowed and whats not allowed but then some other stuff i read, is not so clear and kind of says certain things are ok

Im trying to do my best to not sin but very confused

Thanks

Lauren
Click to expand...
Rule of thumb: Don’t do anything you would not do in front of your parents!
 
Before you are married, only do what you would do in front of your parents, her parents and your priest. If you would not do it in the middle of a crowd, you don’t do it until you are validly married.
 
This is I think very relevant. There are some things listed here that I might consider doing - but then I am I suspect older than OP is. Age brings a firmer grasp of one is and is not a temptation.

I think for most young people, “act as you would in front of your parents” is probably a good guide. Or your priest, if you have questions about the judgment of your parents.
 
DarkLight said:
I think for most young people, “act as you would in front of your parents” is probably a good guide. Or your priest, if you have questions about the judgment of your parents.
Click to expand...
Unfortunately, I know a lot of young people whose parents for one reason or another turn a blind eye to a lot of behavior or simply don’t set moral boundaries. The parents have problems (mental illness, addiction, etc.) or don’t know how to parent or even think it’s okay for the kids to have sex as teenagers, or have taken a “as long as they do it here where I can keep an eye on them rather than out on the street somewhere” sort of mentality.

If you give specific guidelines because someone says “I’m confused”, then they complain that the list is too long and they can’t possibly keep up with all these rules.

If you give a more general guideline like “don’t do it if you wouldn’t do it in front of your parents” then people complain that it’s not specific enough or that they can do X, Y and Z without their parent noticing (like dirty texting) so is that okay.

You really can’t win, especially in view of the fact that many young people are looking to get away with everything they possibly can and still be within the boundary.
 
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Yup. You can get problems on the other side too, like families who think an unmarried couple ought not even be able to have a private discussion. And again, it really depends on the age of the partners. The limits suitable for a 14 year old couple on their first teenage relationship are patently ridiculous when applied to a couple in their late 20’s that are presumably immanently discerning marriage.
 
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