D
DL82
Guest
OK, first of all, I hate dating. I’d gladly never go on another date again in my life. OK, that’s not true, I enjoyed (past tense) dating before I became Catholic, but now am aware of how possessive and lustful and unchaste I can be about women, and it’s like walking into a minefield. Preparing my first confession made me hate just about everything I ever enjoyed in my past, I realised how almost all of it was tainted with sin, and I don’t really want to think of how my life was in the past. I also can’t imagine having fun in a dating situation where I can never visit my girlfriend’s home, nor she mine, nor kiss until engaged, nor spend time alone unchaperoned.
Also, I’m shy, I’m someone who likes silence and solitude and prayer (which possibly means I’m called to religious life, not to marriage, I know). I say I like these things, but they also bring me a sense of melancholy, like ‘OK, I’m not sinning, but I’m sure I’m meant to do more than this with my life’.
Also, as you may have guessed, I’m scrupulous. I want to avoid even the near occasion of a venial sin. It’s the only way I can find peace. I’ve made the best of this situation though, I try to spend my time in hard work, prayer, works of charity, exercise, domestic activities (even when they’re not needed). I’ve never been happier than when I can flop down in bed exhausted knowing that I’ve helped someone and then refused the opportunity to ‘reward’ myself and chosen to work and pray instead. That doesn’t happen all that often though, more often than not I do allow myself some leisure, and use it in some sinful way, either big or small, and spend the next day walking to a church that has confession, queuing for confession, praying a rosary in that church for the plenary indulgence, then rushing around to get everything done that I should’ve done that day.
So, yeah, I regularly go to adoration and prayer meetings, and there’s a girl who also regularly goes to the same events. I think we have a lot in common, including our tendency to find happiness in quiet service rather than social situations, and our shyness and social awkwardness. How do I go from being the guy who happens to be in the same place when we pray, to something more? Apart from our priest, I don’t think we have many mutual friends, so how do I get a chaperone for a date? Neither of us have many outside interests, so how do we find something to do together? Is there some way to discern a call to marriage that doesn’t include typical ‘dating’ like restaurants and walks in the park, but involves more prayer, silence together, working together at the soup kitchen, etc.
It’s a relief to me that I’ve never found myself lusting after her, but that’s partly because I don’t find her physically attractive. The more I realise we have in common, the stronger my feelings for her, but they’re not sexual feelings. I don’t know if that makes a good start for a marriage or a bad one, but I know it gives me a kind of melancholy feeling when I imagine never feeling passionately for the woman I’m married to. All the same, as I said before, my passions are pretty badly disordered from my pre-conversion life, and I know they need a lot of mortification. A Catholic’s hope of happiness should be in heaven, right?
OK, lots of writing, it wasn’t how I imagined this thread would start, it just kinda came out that way. It’s probably gone a long way to prove that I have a lot of problems to deal with before I can even begin to think about discerning any vocation, whether to marriage or religious life, but I’m nearly 30, and I don’t want to leave it too long. I know I need to see a therapist. I don’t want to give up on the chance of living life now while I wait to get ‘better’ though. Please help.
I also sometimes have a tendency to overstate my problems, so I’ve probably come across as even more of an emotional wreck than I really am.
Also, I’m shy, I’m someone who likes silence and solitude and prayer (which possibly means I’m called to religious life, not to marriage, I know). I say I like these things, but they also bring me a sense of melancholy, like ‘OK, I’m not sinning, but I’m sure I’m meant to do more than this with my life’.
Also, as you may have guessed, I’m scrupulous. I want to avoid even the near occasion of a venial sin. It’s the only way I can find peace. I’ve made the best of this situation though, I try to spend my time in hard work, prayer, works of charity, exercise, domestic activities (even when they’re not needed). I’ve never been happier than when I can flop down in bed exhausted knowing that I’ve helped someone and then refused the opportunity to ‘reward’ myself and chosen to work and pray instead. That doesn’t happen all that often though, more often than not I do allow myself some leisure, and use it in some sinful way, either big or small, and spend the next day walking to a church that has confession, queuing for confession, praying a rosary in that church for the plenary indulgence, then rushing around to get everything done that I should’ve done that day.
So, yeah, I regularly go to adoration and prayer meetings, and there’s a girl who also regularly goes to the same events. I think we have a lot in common, including our tendency to find happiness in quiet service rather than social situations, and our shyness and social awkwardness. How do I go from being the guy who happens to be in the same place when we pray, to something more? Apart from our priest, I don’t think we have many mutual friends, so how do I get a chaperone for a date? Neither of us have many outside interests, so how do we find something to do together? Is there some way to discern a call to marriage that doesn’t include typical ‘dating’ like restaurants and walks in the park, but involves more prayer, silence together, working together at the soup kitchen, etc.
It’s a relief to me that I’ve never found myself lusting after her, but that’s partly because I don’t find her physically attractive. The more I realise we have in common, the stronger my feelings for her, but they’re not sexual feelings. I don’t know if that makes a good start for a marriage or a bad one, but I know it gives me a kind of melancholy feeling when I imagine never feeling passionately for the woman I’m married to. All the same, as I said before, my passions are pretty badly disordered from my pre-conversion life, and I know they need a lot of mortification. A Catholic’s hope of happiness should be in heaven, right?
OK, lots of writing, it wasn’t how I imagined this thread would start, it just kinda came out that way. It’s probably gone a long way to prove that I have a lot of problems to deal with before I can even begin to think about discerning any vocation, whether to marriage or religious life, but I’m nearly 30, and I don’t want to leave it too long. I know I need to see a therapist. I don’t want to give up on the chance of living life now while I wait to get ‘better’ though. Please help.
I also sometimes have a tendency to overstate my problems, so I’ve probably come across as even more of an emotional wreck than I really am.
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