Help, starting to change my mind regarding waiting til marriage :/

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Why would one want to give up their virginity to someone who does not respect their morals? Not a good start to a marriage…

Wheelie, I believe your take on co-habitation is missing one very key requirement, that it not cause the appearance or cause scandal. If a person can get the wrong idea then no matter what happens behind closed doors it is to be avoided.

When we sin, we are really telling God he is wrong and our judgement, even in the moment, is better than His… risky territory. Leading someone into sin by being “pastoral” is still leading another or condoning sin. It makes us a part of the sin itself.

At 19 you are likely a few years and men away from marriage. Once you “give it up” all who follow will expect it… if you love them… God’s teaching is tough at times but always leads to peace. We are not promised happiness on this earth, just peace if we follow Him. If you do choose to sin it would be mortal and you should avoid two things… The Eucharist and , well, don’t die… until you repent. and are granted forgiveness. That is worse than any disease risk… it is for eternity.
 
It was a shock to me when I went away to college at 19 - not how many people were sexually active, but how many people were not…and were terrified of being ‘outed’ as virgins 😉

There is so much in the media these days that I think of a ‘lowest common denominator’ material, which more liberal people might descibe as ‘inclusive’. It’s wrong to be unkind or judgmental about people who do not live by the same moral code as practicing Catholics, but at the same time, it is also wrong to make anyone who does live by the rules of the Catholic Church feel like some kind of moral relic or a freak.

I suspect some of it comes from jealousy: “If I haven’t got the willpower to keep my knickers on…and you have…and I don’t want to feel guilty about it…then I will grade myself as ‘normal’ with ‘natural desires’ and you as ‘a freak’.”

I had to wait a very long time until I found Mr. Right, but I did and I married him. We both lost our virginity to one another on our wedding night, in one of the most romantic hotels in the world. As one of my wisest friends said to me, marriage isn’t the ‘end’ of the journey, but the beginning and we’ve been able to develop our sex life feeling absolutely secure within the knowledge that we are both in this for life. That’s one of the most liberating feelings there is 👍 We can get things a bit wrong - we can make a few strange noises (!) but we have fun and we know we are not being ‘test-driven’ and when you look at it that way - you can see how the concept of ‘test driving’ is so utterly vile and horrid!

My advice to you is to pursue your interests and goals in life and be honest and up front with men who take an interest in you. No matter what you say, I am sure you ARE beautiful because God made you. Never knock friendship either - one of my closest friends is a promiscuous (he described himself as a serial monogamist) bissexual. I announced to him, aged 19 that although I found him very attractive (:eek:he’s a fine specimen indeed!) I was a Catholic and that was that! You know what? He looked a bit taken aback for a second, said he respected my honesty and we’ve been mates ever since!
 
If “everybody is doing it” then that seems like a good reason to me not to! Mob mentality and group think are rarely fruitful. If the area you are in is that bad I think I would consider moving. I wouldn’t want to live in Sodom and Gomorrah.
 
Rose71 said:
You know what? He looked a bit taken aback for a second, said he respected my honesty and we’ve been mates ever since!
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That’s no so strange, actually, as far as men go. The key was that you spared him an ego hurt, didn’t play any games with him, and didn’t kill a prospective relationship for a silly wishy washy reason. I also like that way, as a man. Always did.
 
Thank you for all your wise words and advice. I really appreciate you trying to help me and guide me in the right way. May God bless you all 🙂
 
I know all of you tried to help me… And sorry for writing in an old thread but similar thoughts have come to me. I just read m.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/2odoit/i_19f_want_to_wait_until_marriage_will_any_guy/ and the responses made me feel so hopeless. I want to be a good Christian and wait but when not even catholic guys are waiting nowadays, who will I find? I don’t want to be lonely and end up being a 40-year old single woman with no relationships because I waited for something that maybe never happened. What is so wrong with sex before marriage, if it only leads to being able to barely find someone, probably have bad sex since no one is experienced and possibly getting divorced anyway or live an unhappy marriage. The thought of not having sex before marriage started at a time where people married very young in their teens so it made sense, in today’s time, it’s not the case. I know some older girls, none of them waited, yet they have wonderful relationships and some are getting engaged. If God could just tell me “therose01, you will find a wonderful man who is willing to wait when you are at the age of 24” I would be superhappy. But I don’t know that. I could just be lonely forever. Only social outsiders with no other options would be willing to wait except for very religious young people (which are extremely rare)…
 
therose01 said:
I know all of you tried to help me… And sorry for writing in an old thread but similar thoughts have come to me. I just read m.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/2odoit/i_19f_want_to_wait_until_marriage_will_any_guy/ and the responses made me feel so hopeless. I want to be a good Christian and wait but when not even catholic guys are waiting nowadays, who will I find? I don’t want to be lonely and end up being a 40-year old single woman with no relationships because I waited for something that maybe never happened. What is so wrong with sex before marriage, if it only leads to being able to barely find someone, probably have bad sex since no one is experienced and possibly getting divorced anyway or live an unhappy marriage. The thought of not having sex before marriage started at a time where people married very young in their teens so it made sense, in today’s time, it’s not the case. I know some older girls, none of them waited, yet they have wonderful relationships and some are getting engaged. If God could just tell me “therose01, you will find a wonderful man who is willing to wait when you are at the age of 24” I would be superhappy. But I don’t know that. I could just be lonely forever. Only social outsiders with no other options would be willing to wait except for very religious young people (which are extremely rare)…
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Sex outside marriage will not help you find the right man. It may make you popular with guys looking for “fun” though.
 
therose01 said:
I know all of you tried to help me… And sorry for writing in an old thread but similar thoughts have come to me. I just read m.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/2odoit/i_19f_want_to_wait_until_marriage_will_any_guy/ and the responses made me feel so hopeless. I want to be a good Christian and wait but when not even catholic guys are waiting nowadays, who will I find? I don’t want to be lonely and end up being a 40-year old single woman with no relationships because I waited for something that maybe never happened. What is so wrong with sex before marriage, if it only leads to being able to barely find someone, probably have bad sex since no one is experienced and possibly getting divorced anyway or live an unhappy marriage. The thought of not having sex before marriage started at a time where people married very young in their teens so it made sense, in today’s time, it’s not the case. I know some older girls, none of them waited, yet they have wonderful relationships and some are getting engaged. If God could just tell me “therose01, you will find a wonderful man who is willing to wait when you are at the age of 24” I would be superhappy. But I don’t know that. I could just be lonely forever. Only social outsiders with no other options would be willing to wait except for very religious young people (which are extremely rare)…
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This post is very disturbing. Don’t you understand what sex can be? God’s plan is for sex to be a Sacrament, bonding you to the only person who can love you in any way that is close to the way God loves you! Why in the world would you cheapen that experience by making a mockery of it with someone who doesn’t love you?

Aside from that, all of your excuses are ridiculous. There are many, many Catholic men who are waiting for marriage. Anyone who says otherwise is justifying their own mistakes.

And the bit about sex being bad because the couple is inexperienced has to be the most juvenile thought process I’ve ever heard. Seriously. That’s the kind of line that 14-year-olds use to try and get to third base! Sex is never going to be “bad” if someone loves you enough to commit themselves to you before they’ve even met you! Even if you experience shyness your first time, at least you are experiencing it with someone you love and trust and have given your life to! Wouldn’t you rather learn and gain experience together with your own husband, rather than wonder every time something is a little awkward if one of his other partners liked it? Furthermore, statistics overwhelmingly show that couples that wait until marriage have a much lower rate of divorce than those who don’t.

And you’re only 24? I think you’ve got plenty of time. Most people are still getting settled in their careers and adult lives at that time. I think you should consider reading the “Holy Sex” book. It’s really straight forward and explains it all really well.
 
Rau said:
Sex outside marriage will not help you find the right man. It may make you popular with guys looking for “fun” though.
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If that was the case, then so many people having premarital sex would not be in serious relationships who lead to marriage. But they are. So…
 
Allegra said:
This post is very disturbing. Don’t you understand what sex can be? God’s plan is for sex to be a Sacrament, bonding you to the only person who can love you in any way that is close to the way God loves you! Why in the world would you cheapen that experience by making a mockery of it with someone who doesn’t love you?

Aside from that, all of your excuses are ridiculous. There are many, many Catholic men who are waiting for marriage. Anyone who says otherwise is justifying their own mistakes.

And the bit about sex being bad because the couple is inexperienced has to be the most juvenile thought process I’ve ever heard. Seriously. That’s the kind of line that 14-year-olds use to try and get to third base! Sex is never going to be “bad” if someone loves you enough to commit themselves to you before they’ve even met you! Even if you experience shyness your first time, at least you are experiencing it with someone you love and trust and have given your life to! Wouldn’t you rather learn and gain experience together with your own husband, rather than wonder every time something is a little awkward if one of his other partners liked it? Furthermore, statistics overwhelmingly show that couples that wait until marriage have a much lower rate of divorce than those who don’t.

And you’re only 24? I think you’ve got plenty of time. Most people are still getting settled in their careers and adult lives at that time. I think you should consider reading the “Holy Sex” book. It’s really straight forward and explains it all really well.
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I’m sorry if it was disturbing and if you found the reasonings I wrote who I have read online ridiculous. I’m 19 but meant that as in I would be willing to wait a few years if I knew it would happen. Sure there are catholic men who wait, but I was mentioning the guys in my church. Most of them go because their parents force them., It’s not easy being unattractive already, very shy - which leads to a limited dating pool - and on top of that waiting til marriage, making the dating pool extremely limited. AND i live in the most liberal country in europe. I want to believe but I am getting more and more hopeless, very down at the moment especially after reading the Link and that guys were saying. Pretty much 99 procent were saying they would never wait for a girl for marriage, never getting married without knowing they were sexually compatible.
 
therose01 said:
If that was the case, then so many people having premarital sex would not be in serious relationships who lead to marriage. But they are. So…
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And the divorce rate gets higher the more “experience” the individuals have. There are actual biological factors at play here. Humans are wired to bond with their spouse sexually. Oxytocin is a powerful force. It’s released by touching, kissing, hugging, caressing, and in great quantities during sex and it causes us to bond. When it hits a woman’s brain, it triggers trust and intense affection. It’s the reason women stay with men who are complete losers, when everyone else can’t understand why. It’s the reason women are devastated when a man leaves her, even when he treated her like dirt. You’re really playing Russian roulette when you try to decide if you love a man when you’re already in bed with him. For some, they win the lottery and it works out. For most, it doesn’t. The sad thing is, every time that bond is broken, the brain is less able to respond to oxytocin the next time, and so it’s harder for the couple to bond properly when the “real thing” comes along.
 
therose01 said:
If that was the case, then so many people having premarital sex would not be in serious relationships who lead to marriage. But they are. So…
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So which case do you think will pan out for you:

1). You will meet man, have sex, marry and live happily ever after;
2). You will meet man, have sex, break up, meet another man, have sex, break up,…

Why would you think that having sex causes good marriages?

And if acts such as this can cause good marriages, does that mean all such acts are justified?
 
therose01 said:
I’m sorry if it was disturbing and if you found the reasonings I wrote who I have read online ridiculous. I’m 19 but meant that as in I would be willing to wait a few years if I knew it would happen. Sure there are catholic men who wait, but I was mentioning the guys in my church. Most of them go because their parents force them., It’s not easy being unattractive already, very shy - which leads to a limited dating pool - and on top of that waiting til marriage, making the dating pool extremely limited. AND i live in the most liberal country in europe. I want to believe but I am getting more and more hopeless, very down at the moment especially after reading the Link and that guys were saying. Pretty much 99 procent were saying they would never wait for a girl for marriage, never getting married without knowing they were sexually compatible.
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Sexually compatible? What do YOU think that means?
 
therose01 said:
I’m sorry if it was disturbing and if you found the reasonings I wrote who I have read online ridiculous. I’m 19 but meant that as in I would be willing to wait a few years if I knew it would happen. Sure there are catholic men who wait, but I was mentioning the guys in my church. Most of them go because their parents force them., It’s not easy being unattractive already, very shy - which leads to a limited dating pool - and on top of that waiting til marriage, making the dating pool extremely limited. AND i live in the most liberal country in europe. I want to believe but I am getting more and more hopeless, very down at the moment especially after reading the Link and that guys were saying. Pretty much 99 procent were saying they would never wait for a girl for marriage, never getting married without knowing they were sexually compatible.
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If you’re 19, that makes more sense. You sound like a kid because you ARE a kid. Strangely enough, I did read link you posted and I didn’t really see what had you so upset. Nowhere near 99 percent said that they would never wait. Besides that, these are random people on the internet, not a pool of the type of man one would consider husband material in the first place. It’s a normal fallacy for someone your age to honestly believe that “everyone thinks this” or “everyone does that”, but I assure you that’s not reality. As you finish school and get on with your adult life, you will meet so many different people than the folks that chat around your lunch table. I assure you that many, many adults value their sexuality and many that don’t wait, wish they had and will appreciate that you did. I met my husband when I was 29 years old and we had both waited. You are way too young to be concerned that there won’t be anyone left to love you. You don’t need a “dating pool”. You need the ONE man who God intended for YOU. If you are called to the vocation of marriage, that person is out there right now, wishing for you as much as you are wishing for him. Pray for him. Stay in school. Get yourself grown into a confident, kind, holy woman, and prepare yourself to be the wife that man deserves.
 
therose01 said:
If that was the case, then so many people having premarital sex would not be in serious relationships who lead to marriage. But they are. So…
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Disclaimer: not Catholic. Not representing the Catholic pov.

Bigger issue at play here. Let’s say you do go against your conscience (as it sounds like you are tempted to), then what? You find a man whom you marry but then have to live with the fact that you had to abandon a core belief in the process. Would you then ponder whether or not your relationship is based on sex rather than something more meaningful? Would the very basis of your future marriage be a sin? I’m not saying this to scare but to get you thinking about these things early on.

It is true that waiting for marriage will drastically shrink your dating pool, but compromising that value is likely to lead to a man who doesn’t share values that are important to you.

Also, keep in mind that the lasting effects of premarital sex are different for men vs women and vary between individuals. Unfortunately, it seems to negatively affect women more.
 
You are 19. You are coming here for advice. You know what you should do already. Keep in mind that most of the guys are talking… just talking.

A few things to ponder… do you really want to date a man who wouldn’t go out with you if you were not sexually active? Once you do start being active each and every additional boyfriend will expect to have sex with you… 1st date? 2nd?. Are you willing to put yourself at risk of not having men want to marry you because you decided to be sexually active to get dates?

I am mentoring a women just over 30… a number of years ago her FIANCE convinced her to be active before the wedding… she was… He called off the wedding because he wanted to be with his previous girlfriend… Not only was she shattered by the loss of who she thought was her lifetime love… She contracted two STD’s, one being genital warts, the other will force her to have surgery before she is 32 with 80% chance it will leave her unable to have children. true life story. So, every guy she meets she is active with hoping one will be the one before her time runs out… She has even given up going to mass because her current “love” won’t permit it… she hopes he will change. He won’t it only gets worse, not better…

That may never be you. I hope it isn’t. that is a true life story and it happens everyday. I am older and in a situation where I don’t have to risk catching things but it must be really scary. I can’t imagine any man wanting to have sex with a woman with warts… too much risk. Once you get them you got em for life. Can’t hide em, they spread in areas you can’t cover…

Forget STD’s, if you are Catholic and your faith means something to you do you really want to tell God he doesn’t understand? Really. I look back at church teaching on sex and see such wisdom… we had a “modern” priest tell us at an engaged encounter weekend that the pill was OK if you intended to have children… later we found out, when we became more than 45 minute a week Catholics, that not only does the pill cause break through ovulation 8% of the time (I checked the mouse type package insert when I heard this… it was right there toward the end…) 8% ? that equals 1 out of 12 months…conception takes place… drug causes it to be aborted… The other thing about the pill, which in my mind was even worse for a marriage is it causes the only reason you do not have sex because one of the partners “doesn’t want to”. NFP gives a cooperative break that allows space for the partner who is less driven. the partner with drive, unless they want a kid… they have no expectations of sex… God makes it a joint decision, not one party saying NO!

So at 19 everything seems so distant and far away. If at 25 you decide you want to be sexually active, you can start the next day. If at 25 you meet a gentleman who loves you, not what he can enjoy from you, who values purity, you will have to tell him about your sexual activity… and hope he stays… Once you choose to be sexually active it becomes expected by us men… If you loved me… Right… If he loved you he wouldn’t be asking you to abandon your morals for his pleasure with no commitment. You are not the first to have these thoughts… check out this story…

youtube.com/watch?v=4DLxGiCFeY4 Christina Everett… then this one… It is longer if you want skip to the 20 min mark and start… it is from a contestant on America’s top model, Leah Darrow… real world,had it all… Watch it… youtube.com/watch?v=rFMyPy6Ary0 Both of those women speak the truth… they were younger than you but in similar situations… God Bless…
 
Somehow I do understand you although I’m older than you and in a totally different situations (married, pregnant with my second child). It IS hard to maintain certain values that are not shared by the people surrounding you.
I don’t know where you live so I don’t know how many Catholics live in your country, but is there any chance you could for instance find a youth group that could support you and your values?
Maybe there are youth conferences or anything like that? Is there any possibility you could find friends who share your faith and your values? They don’t need to be from the same city and maybe you won’t see them very often, but even that can help a lot!
 
Great responses. I am thankful to you all for trying to guide me in the right direction. I actually had a dream, where I got a boyfriend and after a couple of months, slept with him. Immidiately after, I had such extreme regret… I felt like my world had fallen down. Maybe it was God trying to warn me. I couldn’t have been happier waking up realizing it was a dream. After that, I have given a lot of thought to this… God is real. Jesus is real. And if I am truly called to marriage, God has someone out there for me. Hopefully I won’t have to wait so long for Mr Right… But I need to be patient and better to wait for something good than settle early for something that’s not holy. Can’t help but to feel like a bad Christian now for doubting God… And actually considering having premarital sex in a long relationship. Anyway… Thank you guys.
 
Wait.

I’m an artist, it goes with being an artist to be passionate and expressive; had my share of lovers and I wish I waited until marriage. I have since changed my ways.

So, wait.
 
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