Help to exercise my authority as a parent

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exiled1

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I posted here a short time ago about my son. He has become unrecognizable to me in just six weeks. On a couple of occasions he seemed to have “repented”, but immediately turned again.
This is due, in large part, to a girlfriend. She is definitely from a “crazytown” kind of a home, with parents who have no answered or cooperated with a single one of my expressions of concern. My son was invited to come to her house in the middle of the night by the gf, but was seen by the dad, who thought he was a burglar and called the police, who brought my son home. Once the dad found out it was my son, he was perfectly okay with him being there! I’ve also just learned that their other daughter is married to a registered sex offender, (among other convictions) and they have been transporting my son and his gf and harboring them at their apartment.
Now here is the unbelievable part! I’ve called the police a few times now, and I have absolutely NO rights to force my son home and to stay here, nor can I force him into any home. It is not a crime in my state for them to harbor a runaway minor, and since my son has not yet committed a crime, they have no 'teeth" to help me. None of the potential dangers of this fall under abuse or protection for a minor.
I’ve taken his phone, cancelled his driver’s license test, frozen his bank account and everything I can. Next step is to withdraw him from school, I guess. (which hardly matters right now anyway)
I’ve looked into orders of protection to keep him from the sex offender, but that is only if my son is in “imminent danger”.
My husband and I have been trying to heal our marriage, but that’s a very,…slow…process…and while he doesn’t like what is happening, he doesn’t intend to go to either of these men (dad of the gf, and sex offender brother-in-law of the gf) and tell them that they are not to allow our son into their homes, or in any way harbor him.
Does anyone here, having had times of despair with a teen, have any ideas for me?
 
I remember your other thread. Did you follow through with sitting them down and talking to them? I know you talked to the girls parents, but what about your son and the girl?

It seems to me that you have taken away everything you can and it hasn’t worked. If you or your husband were to go to the parents, it sounds like they won’t do anything.

I think, difficult as it is, you need to let your son fail. You have done all you can if the police are saying they can’t help you.

What you can do is make sure that your son knows the rules for your household. You will not allow what they allow in your home. Set a time he needs to be home or else he is locked out. He cannot come and go into your home at all hours disturbing you. Difficult as it is, you need to let go, and if he makes mistakes, it is on him.

Don’t let this come between you and your husband. And don’t let your son play either of you, you must stand firm.
 
My first thought is, is he a minor? Technically you can keep him home right ? I mean if it comes down to it, guess what you are not going anywhere . . . . . .
 
Easier said than done. If a teen wants to get out, they will. They will wait for you to go to bed, they will not come home after school, they will lie about where they are and who they are with.
 
Did you ever read Romeo and Juliet? To make young love forbidden is to drive them closer together.

First, if you and your husband are not on the same page, you son knows it and will simply ignore the one he does not agree with that day.

You know how on the airplane they say to fix your own oxygen mask before assisting someone else? You and your husband have to fix your parenting relationship first.
 
Irishmom2 said:
Set a time he needs to be home or else he is locked out.
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This depends on the laws in our OP’s state. In some states, a 16 year old locked out would be child endangerment and would get CPS involved.
 
He is a minor, yes, but he is going out the window. Police have brought him back twice, but tell me he’s not doing anything criminal, so they can’t do anything.
I would handcuff him to the house if I didn’t think it would get the police to take me away from the rest of my kids!
 
I talked to them both multiple times in the first few months of their relationship, but then things started to devolve. He lied about where he was in order to see her, and I took his phone. Things spiraled out of control from there, in a matter of 6 weeks he is unrecognizable.
 
Oh, yes! I even called the SD we’ve all used for years and he offered to give my son work around the church during the shut down of schools. We are so blessed with him! Getting my son to take off the blinders is the problem.
I just bought a book called, The Saint Monica Club. It’s already breaking my heart to read how I must accept that there is no quick fix and no quid pro quo with God and this. I wait and pray…in painful desperation.
 
That’s surprising to me. A kid sneaking out isnt delinquent. ? I’m sorry. Try not to stress too much. You can only do what you can.
 
exiled1 said:
I’ve also just learned that their other daughter is married to a registered sex offender, (among other convictions) and they have been transporting my son and his gf and harboring them at their apartment.
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Get a very aggressive lawyer IMMEDIATELY and tell him this. Depending on the terms of the sex offender’s release even being in the presence of a minor could be a violation and land him in jail. Police generally do not treat sex offenders lightly. Check your state’s sex offender registry. His picture, address, physical description, and the statute he violated are publicly available on every state’s sex offender registry, and depending on your state more info such as the age/sex of the victim. Interestingly, I used to work in the criminal records division of a background screening company, and during that time I discovered that the vast majority of sex crimes–easily 75%–are committed against minors. Hopefully that’s your “imminent danger.”

Have you had your son take a drug test? The sex offender is likely subject to mandatory drug testing and warrantless searches of his home, vehicle, and/or workplace. Drug use is a definite possibility, and that might also be the imminent danger. In most states drug use or possession in the presence of a minor is also a crime.

But, to repeat–GET A LAWYER.
 
You may need for it to get worse, before it gets better.

If your son is not living at home then you can file with the police, a missing persons report of something similar. It’s good to have this documented even if the police won’t round him up and bring him home.

In my state they have something called ARY (at risk youth) program that can provide some court support for you.
An at-risk youth is defined by statute as a child under the age of 18 who meets at least one of the following three requirements:
  • Is absent from home for at least 72 consecutive hours without parental consent; or
  • Is beyond parental control such that his/her behavior endangers the health, safety, or welfare of the child or any other person; or
  • Has a substance abuse problem for which there are no pending criminal charges relating to the substance abuse.
The purpose of the At-Risk Youth Program is to allow parents to obtain assistance and support from the court in maintaining the care, custody, and control of their child.
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My dear BIL is a criminal lawyer and he loves my son. The sex offender is no longer on probation, so that road is closed. He’s actually got three little kids and kiddie porn was the conviction, I guess.
It seems the only thing left is to say to my son:
“Go ask these people if you can live with them, if they will support you, because you can’t live here like this.”
I suspect they will say, “No way”, as my son has no money, no license and nothing to offer towards his support.
That may back him into a corner…but what if they say ‘yes’.
It seems my only recourse is pray, be loving and wait for his conversion, but I want to do something. I feel so powerless.
 
I will look for this…
I’ve been desperate to find something to help, but the few things I’ve found he has to go voluntarily. I’ll do a search closer to these terms!
 
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exiled1 said:
My dear BIL
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Maybe you could try having some other family member that he respects talking to him to get through to him. He may never listen to your words at this point if he thinks you are unjust or hypocritical in your own relationship or feels that you have neglected him.
 
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