Help to exercise my authority as a parent

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It’s really not at all that I “want him back”, but that I admit to being still conflicted about the indissolubility of marriage.
You are absolutely correct that things will not improve if he is still drinking, which he is. But I haven’t found a single saint in a tough marriage who has divorced. St. Monica had a husband much like mine and she treats him sweetly and kindly throughout. That’s what I thought I was doing in years past, but then I learned that it wasn’t right, after all.
So I am making decisions day by day and it is a looooonnngg haul.
Wasn’t today’s psalm, “In the Lord there is Mercy and fullness of Redemption”? I guess I believe that we will get there someday, and as long as I can keep us away from his tirades and drinking in the meantime, then I have to hope that he will change.
Believe me, if I wasn’t Catholic, I would have been gone a long time ago.
 
So many abused wives cite St. Monica’s example. And, she was an exceptional woman. But she lived in a time when she didn’t have the options that women have, today. Women were basically considered property in her day. Her husband could legally force her to stay with him. If she did somehow get away, he could keep her children from her, as they were his property, too. She did the best she could, as a woman of her times. You should be doing likewise. So, use your options! Use the law to your advantage! Think: What is best for your children? Living with a man who purposely does ‘bad’ things to annoy his wife? Lets them drink/drive underage? You cited these examples, yourself!

There’s no way the church would tell you to stay with an abusive man!

Just re-read the threads you started two years ago. Knowing what you do…that he might let your underage kids drink, drive, and end up in the hospital…do you really think that this is what God wants for you? For the kids?

I brought up on an earlier thread that if he’s caught doing this by Child Protective Services, they might assume that he has your ‘permission’. And you could both lose custody of your children! Are you willing to let this happen? Facilitate it, by having this man in your home?

What does your priest say? Your spiritual advisor? Have you even spoken to them?

This man seems to take a perverse pleasure in doing ‘bad’ things behind your back, sometimes involving the kids. They aren’t safe with him. Think of them, If you won’t consider yourself.

This isn’t saying that you should ever stop praying for him. In that way, you can follow St. Monica’s example. Honestly, even leaving the safety and well-being of yourself and your children on the back burner, do you think he sins less when he’s with you, than without you? You could prevent many sins, it seems, by remaining separate from him! Alcoholics seldom make good husbands. Or fathers. You could be more like St. Monica by using your options and remaining separate. Wasn’t her goal the conversion of her husband?

Your posts announcing your separation sounded much more optimistic and free than those you posted before. Are you sure your husband isn’t giving your troubled son liquor? Or even bad advice? Both can be deadly for your son, at this vulnerable time.
 
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Legend said:
So many abused wives cite St. Monica’s example. And, she was an exceptional woman. But she lived in a time when she didn’t have the options that women have, today. Women were basically considered property in her day. Her husband could legally force her to stay with him. If she did somehow get away, he could keep her children from her, as they were his property, too. She did the best she could, as a woman of her times. You should be doing likewise. So, use your options! Use the law to your advantage! Think: What is best for your children? Living with a man who purposely does ‘bad’ things to annoy his wife? Lets them drink/drive underage? You cited these examples, yourself!

There’s no way the church would tell you to stay with an abusive man!

Just re-read the threads you started two years ago. Knowing what you do…that he might let your underage kids drink, drive, and end up in the hospital…do you really think that this is what God wants for you? For the kids?

I brought up on an earlier thread that if he’s caught doing this by Child Protective Services, they might assume that he has your ‘permission’. And you could both lose custody of your children! Are you willing to let this happen? Facilitate it, by having this man in your home?

What does your priest say? Your spiritual advisor? Have you even spoken to them?

This man seems to take a perverse pleasure in doing ‘bad’ things behind your back, sometimes involving the kids. They aren’t safe with him. Think of them, If you won’t consider yourself.

This isn’t saying that you should ever stop praying for him. In that way, you can follow St. Monica’s example. Honestly, even leaving the safety and well-being of yourself and your children on the back burner, do you think he sins less when he’s with you, than without you? You could prevent many sins, it seems, by remaining separate from him! Alcoholics seldom make good husbands. Or fathers. You could be more like St. Monica by using your options and remaining separate. Wasn’t her goal the conversion of her husband?

Your posts announcing your separation sounded much more optimistic and free than those you posted before. Are you sure your husband isn’t giving your troubled son liquor? Or even bad advice? Both can be deadly for your son, at this vulnerable time.
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^^This. Today we know so much more than in St Monica’s day about the awful impact that domestic violence has not just on an abused spouse but also on children who grow up around it. Even in cases where they are not the direct targets of the parental abuse.

Parents have a duty to ensure, as best as they are able, the physical, emotional and material wellbeing of their children. And sometimes this requires civil divorce.
 
I cannot tell you how I appreciate the time and thought you have put into this post, thank you.
Like I said, he only visits on sporadic weekends, and if for no other reason, my minor children are safe from his drinking as he is rarely here. When he does come, he seems to be trying to be on his best behavior when I am around (and if he’s here, I’m always around). That said, I don’t believe the change is because he has ‘seen the light’, but to effect the end he wants, which is us returning to live with him. This is why I still refuse to go back. You are 100% right, that I need to be sure that he in no way can encourage and/or provide examples of that behavior. Quite frankly, I believe my son blows me off because that’s what he saw being done throughout his growing up.
My now-19y/o son, who, of the two teen boys, was mostly the target of my husband’s viciousness, has FLOURISHED, and has become so good, confident and loving! He is such a comfort to me!
And…baby steps though they are…the counselor does seem to be getting through a little bit.
 
exiled1 said:
He’s going to be 17 on the 25th of this month.
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Don’t know if this helps, but you need to start treating him as an adult (that’s what he thinks he is),

Talk through the long term implications of his actions, use reason and not parental authority. Plus a good dose of consequences for actions.
 
Well, I told him he had to leave, although admittedly it was mostly based on the immediate risk he is posing to my younger children with the virus pandemic.
As he headed out yesterday I told him to ask his gf’s family if they want to let him stay through the quarantine (of course I don’t want this, but I had hoped it would back him into a corner, and he’s going every day anyway) Maybe they really said No, and maybe he never really asked, but in any case…
I locked all the doors around 7pm. Then 19y/o son ran an errand and forgot to re-lock the front door and in came #2,
So…I went over it again and told him to leave if he wasn’t going to cooperate in protecting the family from infection. I locked him outside and someone came and got him…no idea who.
This feels awful…
 
Imagine you are a teenager, living in this time of great fear, and your mother locks you out in the dark.

The father of the prodigal never locked his son out in the dark during a pandemic.

You can require him to isolate in his room, take his temp every day, there were ways to make this work.

This action, if I were a teen, would hurt me in a deep, lasting way.
 
No, he doesn’t fear…and he doesn’t care the risk he is posing to my younger children and my mother. We went over this before I told him to leave.
He has lied…repeatedly…telling me he is ready to do x, y and z, only to get a good night’s sleep and food. The, re-fueled, out he goes again.
The answer is not cut and dried, this I have learned. Many advise to let him suffer the consequences, but be ready when he returns. Others say let him stay. Both sides make a very good case, and I’ve done what I think is best for the moment.
I am praying with everything I have for him to return. This is not what I wanted, but what he wanted.
 
Require? I guess you’ve missed the part about him blowing off all of my “requirements”. If I could get him to obey me, we wouldn’t be in this situation.
 
Oh, I looked on another older post of yours…is your mother living with you now? If so, all your kids have to be careful about what they expose her-and themselves-to.

How much time has he been spending with his gf and her family? Do they still go to her sister’s house, too? Here (NY) we never visit others…maybe shop, and leave stuff at their door,

And, if your husband comes over…don’t let him in. Germs and bad influence make a bad combination!

If he’s been going out any, your son is probably just as safe with them, meaning gf’s parent’s house, as anyplace else. And, yes, it does sound like this-pretending to go along with you, then doing what he wants-is something he learned from his dad.
 
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Obedience looks different for a 17 year old than for a 7 year old.

I pray that your counselor has wise advice.
 
The OP’s mother, who, judging from a thread started about 2 years ago, must be at least 81, may be living in her home. That’s the reason why I have been so ‘understanding’ about her troubled son not being allowed in the home!

In non-pandemic times, I’d ask her to think long and hard about doing something so drastic. And I do hope and pray, OP, that you and your kids become re-United after the spread of this disease is under control!

God Bless!
 
Sometimes I feel I need this community so much, and I am so grateful for the time and prayer you give to anyone who posts with life’s tragedies, struggles and heartaches.
As I was drowning (which I still feel I am) I came here with almost every exchange, large and small, that was happening surrounding this situation. Most has been so helpful, just knowing there is understanding out there, and a larger Catholic family praying and hoping for the salvation of us all.
My mother, who is 80, does not live with us anymore, she has turned the house over.
I will skip the details, but my son moved out earlier this week, to some house (?) with 12 other people, according to what he told his cousin. Social media has him going back and forth between places, so not abiding our state’s Stay at Home order. He did call a couple days after moving and made mention of needing to find a way to get money for food, although he stopped short of asking me for some. His work was suspended because of the virus, , he has no license, he doesn’t know his SSN and has no way to prove his identity, so I think things are going to get really hard, really fast. A few of his teachers also emailed to make inquiries about why he hasn’t participated in the online learning. So, in short, it has gotten worse, but the fact that he even called gives me the tiniest bit of hope that once he landed wherever he is, that he came face to face with reality, and he realized it’s alot harder than he thought it would be.
Anyway, thank you all, and keep yourselves and your families safe!
 
I’m glad to hear that things have settled…somewhat. I’d focus on social distancing, at this time. That’s probably what’s best for everyone in your house, now.

Where is your troubled son the safest? I’d try to keep him there, now…no matter what you think of the people he’s with. Of course he’s best at your house-if he decides to keep his coming and going to a minimum. But, it doesn’t look like he’s going to do that, now. So, for the sake of yourself, your other kids, and anyone else in the home…maybe it’s better to provide him with food or food money, even if he’s not in the house.

I know it’s most likely breaking your heart, not knowing where he is. But, try and think…are you willing to sacrifice anyone, in order to discipline your son? His comings and goings are a danger to all of you, everyone he socializes with, in fact…I’m surprised that his gf’s parents and other relatives are not forbidding him the house, for their own safety!

Of course, I’m writing from my own point of view…and, I live in a medium-sized suburb in NY! Hopefully, it’s not as bad, where you live. And, even with all the news, it’s been only a week or two, since I stopped thinking/hoping that I was living in an urban legend!

And keep in mind…in a little less than a year, your son will be an adult! Eighteen is the age of adulthood, in most instances. He most lilely won’t be allowed to get married, buy alcoholic beverages, or enter into some kinds of contracts, but he will be able to live on his own, and choose his romantic partners.

So, keep that in mind, once, hopefully, this pandemic is over, and you can bring more discipline into your home. Given his age, it should be more focused on helping him to grow up, than curfews and punishment. In many ways, he’ll be a man…and to function as a man, he has to grow up!

I hope for the best for your family, in these hard times. Hope you all stay healthy…and God Bless!
 
Hello and many blessings to you…have you talked to your son about ways he can see this girl safely? I think if you “ban her” completely, it could totally backfire? So, negotiate with him?

Also - what are the coronavirus considerations right now??? (Ah just realized the above post addressed this very sensibly…)

God Bless all of you…
 
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A poster after my own heart! Yes, pandemic times are different from others…our first order of business has to be keeping our families and ourselves alive!

So, sometimes that means letting our underage kids live outside the home…especially, when they’ve already been living that way, albeit behind our backs. Discipline should be taking care of itself.

Of course, this changes…once we are able to step out without seemingly, taking our lives into our hands. As I said, imo, discipline for a 17-year-old should not focus on punishment, but on responsibility. Frankly, I’m surprised the gf’s family lets the OP’s son into their home…and I’m thinking only about physical safety!

So, take care of yourselves, and God Bless!
 
That was my thinking when I suggested that if he (the son) could not follow the rules of the house he would have to look for another place to live.
 
Working with them to have a good, healthy relationship is how I handled it all in the first few months. In fact, during that time I was the source of any and all help they had being transported to bowling alleys, state parks, etc. I offered to bring her skiing with us, baked Christmas cookies with her and all.
My son has not called me again, but he is in communication with two of his sisters, one of whom tells me that the girlfriend’s family has now decided to enforce quarantine. Not sure how true that is, or how strict they are being, but it is good news if true.
Now it is my hope that a few weeks without her will help loosen the grip this has on him.
 
exiled1 said:
called me again, but he is in communication with two of his sisters, one of whom tells me that the girlfriend’s family has now decided to enforce quarantine. Not sure how true that is, or how strict they are being, but it is good news if true.
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I certainly hope his is true! Not only for your son’s sake, but for their own sakes, people they must associate with, your other kids, and your own sake…

Pandemic time!

I’m hoping you all get time to think things thru. And that you haven’t fallen into the trap of blaming everything on the girl. While she may be a bit older, your son has his own troubles, not the least of which is his father’s example. The fact that he got a skewered idea of how to treat women, and alcohol, is something the girls family may not want for their daughter.

It is sad that you have to go thru this, in such conditions…

Prayers…

God Bless!!!
 
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