Help! Very confused (sensitive topic)

[Luthien590]

I need some help regarding a matter that has been confusing me for the past few years. I’m a female in my mid-20’s who identifies myself as straight. I’ve always thought about finding the right man and getting married. I’ve only ever been attracted to men. I even love reading clean romance novels (like Jane Austen novels) and dream about falling in love with my Mr. Darcy

Anyway, a few years back, I noticed one time that a woman might have been checking me out. My initial reaction was one of disgust. Later for some reason, I started asking myself if I enjoyed the fact that she was looking at me. I even started asking myself if I was attracted to her.

I should stop here for a moment and say that I do suffer from high anxiety at times, and also OCD/scrupulosity.

After this, I developed a fear that I could possibly have homosexual inclination and that this would interfere with my getting married. The more I feared this, the worse my thoughts would become.

I calmed down for a couple of years. I fell in love with a man, liked a few others after that didn’t work out. Dated and what not.

Then my fear flared up again. Particularly right after the lesbian scene in Black Swan was being given all the hype. I wasn’t really practicing my faith at this point, so I started playing with homosexual thoughts, slowly progressing into fantasies.

I should also mention I’ve struggled with masturbation and sexual fantasies for years.

I find myself now enjoying lesbian fantasies. They excite me more than straight fantasies now. I’ve started looking at lesbian porn. Afterward though, I feel disgusted and unnatural, and start thinking about men again. I feel like the taboo aspect of the subject is very exciting, so I don’t know if that is what is attracting me. I still feel very attracted to men and only ever want to be with a man. When I’m not fantasizing or masturbating, I don’t think about women at all. I would never act out on any of these thoughts. What usually gets me started though, is I start freaking out thinking, “What if I’m bisexual?” then I slowly start playing with thoughts until they progress into these sinful thoughts and actions to see if I enjoy them. Then I find them exciting and continue them. I also find thoughts about what these women are doing to be exciting, like the fact that they are posing immorally, or acting out immorally in movies. I fantasize that I’m doing that instead. I also mainly fantasize about committing these acts with women in a movie (like the Black Swan hype). Not so much by myself with them, but I have played with that thought too.

I know I need to stop this sinful behavior, which I have every intention of doing, but I mainly need to know if I’m just freaking myself into this, or if I am becoming bisexual. I have an intense fear of that, so I don’t know if that is feeding this and making me think this way and enjoy these things. It seems the more I desire marriage, the worse this becomes. I’m sorry if this was a little too graphic for some, hence the subject warning.

Please answer honestly and charitably. Thank you!

 

[passus]

Playing with lesbian fantasies doesn’t make you bisexual. What does, though, is the tendency to be physically and emotionally attracted to women. Have you experienced that?

It seems like your inclinations have a strange cycle whereby they are inspired by something solicitous, you entertain the idea, and then it gets too far and you back off. Maybe it’s just that you’re really only attracted to the idea of what’s forbidden for you. You mention that you have OCD and are overly scrupulous. I’d hazard a guess that you’re a pretty dramatic person, too. Psychologically, this roller coaster of thought is extremely exciting. Maybe try and step back from that drama for a moment and think objectively about your sexual identify. A mid-life bout of homosexuality (not that you’re at mid-life…but you’re past the age of discernment for these things) is not often heard of without some prior intimations of homosexual inclination.

What you’re doing now, though, is very unhealthy.

 

[DaughterOfMary6]

I can understand a little of what you are talking about because I, too, have struggled with lustful thoughts towards both women AND men. It occurred mainly around the time that I was struggling with my faith and I did not identify as a Catholic even though I have been one all my life. I never “came out” but I did think sometimes that I was bisexual. I was, however, confused because I never truly knew what the term “bisexual” means. Just being attracted to someone of the same gender is not enough to give proper cause to term “same sex attraction.” Women and men have learned, through TV and other media, how to objectify genders and make the person into an object of lust rather than a respectable person. I still struggle with thoughts sometimes because I have had issues with viewing pornography and the temptations (even though I stay away from it) get very intense and graphic sometimes to the point where it feels like I am out of control. It’s at that moment that I try to remember to pray, especially the Hail Mary.

Because you are struggling so much with this thought of bisexuality, I wouldn’t guess that you are giving your full will to it. It’s important to remember to not let your temptations define who you are and constantly work on getting away from the occasions that lead you to sin. Get rid of any pornography–whether it be DVDs, tapes, magazines, or the internet. Distance yourself as much as you can from it. Think about getting a porn filter like Safe Eyes, Net Nanny, or Covenant Eyes. If you feel you can confide in someone, use them as your accountability partner. Porn addiction is a dark sin. When you bring it into the light and let someone in on your secret, it makes it more easier to control, especially when that person has regular access to the list of sites you are visiting on the internet. This is what happened to me when my mom learned about my dark secret. I told her and the frequency of my viewing went down significantly. I still struggle sometimes, but I have gotten much better.

Make sure you get to Confession and don’t partake of the Eucharist until you do. You don’t need another mortal sin on your conscience by partaking of the Eucharist unworthily. It may be difficult (believe me, I know!), but it really helps you get to the root of the issue and helps you overcome the addiction.

Also, try to stay away from movies that have such scenes like “Black Swan.” I saw that movie, unfortunately, so I know what you are talking about. Even movies have so-called softcore porn that can lead us to fantasize or sin further. Use a website like the USCCB movie ratings or Focus on the Family’s Plugged In to read reviews and only see movies that don’t have objectionable content.

 

[Luthien590]

Playing with lesbian fantasies doesn’t make you bisexual. What does, though, is the tendency to be physically and emotionally attracted to women. Have you experienced that?

It seems like your inclinations have a strange cycle whereby they are inspired by something solicitous, you entertain the idea, and then it gets too far and you back off. Maybe it’s just that you’re really only attracted to the idea of what’s forbidden for you. You mention that you have OCD and are overly scrupulous. I’d hazard a guess that you’re a pretty dramatic person, too. Psychologically, this roller coaster of thought is extremely exciting. Maybe try and step back from that drama for a moment and think objectively about your sexual identify. A mid-life bout of homosexuality (not that you’re at mid-life…but you’re past the age of discernment for these things) is not often heard of without some prior intimations of homosexual inclination.

What you’re doing now, though, is very unhealthy.

I’ve never become emotionally attached to any woman in a sexual way, and I don’t feel physically attracted when I’m around women, or even looking at them. I objectively find women attractive, and even go as far as to say some are hot, but not unlike any other woman would. There is no particular woman I ever think of. I feel like it’s the fantasy itself I’m hung up on. Since I’ve started entertaining them, it’s like I want to know what it feels like, but would never actually act on them, nor do I emotionally or rationally want to act out on them. Does that make sense? I started entertaining them out of fear, but now I’m trying to figure out what I think of them or something. I’m guessing that’s why I started looking at the porn.

Yes, you are absolutely right that this is unhealthy. I don’t do this very often anymore, but sometimes I start getting anxious again, and well, slip up.

 

[Joe_5859]

I would recommend going to a priest and/or spiritual director whom you trust. He would be able to counsel you in this matter far more than any of us. Perhaps a good Catholic consellor might also be beneficial. Scrupulosity can be a terrible cross and one really needs a frequent, regular Confessor / spiritual director to work through all of the issues that that entails.

None of us here can “diagnose” you, of course. I would think that the fact that you have struggled with OCD/scrupulosity in addition to physical impurity (fantasizing, masturbation, etc.) would make it a very real possibility that you could psych yourself into believing things that are not true in terms of your sexuality. But I am not a counsellor.

I think that it is unnecessary (and probably counter-productive) to get hung up on whether or not a particular “label” gets assigned to your identity. Whether you are “technically” gay, bi, or straight isn’t the main issue. The main issue is that there is certain unhealthy and sinful behavior you have engaged in that needs to stop. For this, I recommend daily prayer, frequent Confession, and the avoidance of the occassion of sin (i.e. avoiding those places and situations in which you are most tempted to commit these sins).

Don’t forget that God loves you immeasurably! He wants to have a deep, intimate relationship with you. He is ready and willing to forgive your sins as often as you turn back to Him.

So go to Confession and tell the priest everything you have written above. That’s the best advice I can give.

 

[ahs]

In addition to the above, I recommend fasting and silent prayer.

I know some people see “demons and possessions” as being a topic of the distant past. But I had struggled with sexuality (though it was opposite sex) at one point in my life and the only thing that helped me out of the hole was fasting. There is merit associated with this in Scripture when Christ tells His Apostles that some [demons] can only be driven out by fasting and prayer…and those words were not restricted to the past.

As crazy as it might sound…I’d ask the Priest for a prayer of exorcism and start wearing the St. Benedict medal/Crucifix. I know it sounds superstitious, but there is merit in it and the Church has a history and purpose for this.

ahs