Help! Wedding Plans and Engagement falling apart!

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RaiderBear

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Hi,

This is my first post and I’m really lost for some good advice. Our wedding planning is tearing my fiance and I apart! My fiance and I get along great when we are not talking about the wedding. But when we e do talk about it, we argue and fight every time! There have been numerous problems from the start. I need to give some background first. Basically, his Army traing, his upcoming deployment to Iraq and my last semester of college have given neither of us much time to make this an elaborate wedding. It was suppose to be simple and small. We were in agreement for 4 months on the wedding plans. We agreed on a small, immediate family only wedding because this one could have been cancelled due to his Army training orders. When he returns from his deployment in a year, we could have the big decorated wedding with all our family and friends, and a dance reception. (Because his family is really big on wedding celebrations). But recently, he spoke with his mom and oldest sister, and now has changed his mind. Now he and I can’t agree anymore! Now, he wants his extended family and a few family friends there which would double the number of guests, change the budget, etc! Keep in mind we only have one budget for both, and would like to keep the first one as lost cost as possible.

Now, we both agreed on the idea that your spouse becomes priority over your family when your married. However, I think you have to start having that attitude even before the cemerony in order to be on the same page with each other. He says we’re not married yet, and he is not going to put me over his family until we are married! What should I do? I don’t think our personal relationship will magically change at the wedding and he will suddenly put me over his family’s wishes! I’m afraid I might marry a man who will defend his family before he defends his wife! He says that won’t happen.

Can someone explain that or give me some advice in dealing with him and his family? They are good people. I like them and they like me. But the decision making process is a mess!
 
Hmm…

Hate to break it to you hun, but it sounds to me like your hubby to be and you need to finish the coursework before you get the degree. You state at the beginning that your wedding plans are tearing you two apart, but it really sounds to me like there are some real plain old communication issues going on. You are right, getting married isn’t going to fix all your problems, it’s going to present a set of entirely new ones. All couples fight, if they don’t I would suspect something was wrong, but if the fights are causing the very foundation of your relationship to crumble, you need to take a step back and find out what is at the root of it all.

If it were me, I would talk to your fiance and suggest you guys maybe get some outside perspective or at the very least put the wedding off for a little while just the give yourselves time to breath so you can resolve these issues before you get married.
 
cannot say it better than previous post.

forget the wedding, start planning the marriage. see your priest, start the marriage prep, including the focus interview, working with sponsor couple, retreat etc. all of which help you learn to communicate properly. you also have to learn how to maintain a long distance relationship, and be ready and mature enough to separate from family. If one of you can’t do this, they are not ready to marry. Wonderful how when you are planning something big all kinds of people weigh in with let’s do this, let’s have that, but they are not the ones who have to pay for it or make it happen.
 
We’ve both known we’ve had communication issues and how that has been a not-so-small-concern in our relationship. That, I know we need to work on. As far as long distance, we’ve been through several patches of that. I feel we’ve at least been trained a bit in knowing how to handle his upcoming deployment, but I know it will be much harder. In fact, he was gone all fall semester for student teaching and most of the spring semester for Army training.

But the thing that I can’t understand is why he would say that because we’re not married yet, he’s not going to put me above his family at this point. The wedding is a month away! Isn’t it a little late to still be saying that? Its a state of mind, of how you perceive your relationships with people. One’s personal relationship with their family and future spouse doesn’t change overnight just because of a ceremony, does it? Keep in mind he is a traditional conservative Catholic, not sure if that helps in understanding his state of mind.
 
Been here.

In retrospect the manner in which my wife and I married makes it look like it was a really really bad idea.

I had left my old job, bought my own business, and 2 months later we married and moved into a new house. It was terrible leading up to it. We had to pay for the entire wedding ourselves. When I suggested we delay the wedding 6 months my wife threatened to leave me since I “would just keep putting it off.” We argued constantly, we were always exhausted, and we kept encountering problems. Her family could not agree on the dresses, and two days before the wedding they found the ones that were made were shoddy and needed to quickly find new ones. My wife was so tired at our wedding (traditional High Latin Mass) she does not remember it, and we literally slept the entire 2 days of our honeymoon. Eventually at one point my wife left me.

You would not know this seeing us now. We have a son, are very happy, and rarely argue. We love each other greatly, but it has been a long journey. We had a couple of really long discussions, very honest and very civil, in which we discussed the circumstances of our marriage. Of course, we also prayed to Our Lady and St. Joseph for help. Had it not been our sharing of common values and religious faith, I guarantee we would be long ago divorced.

You must sit down and have these discussions NOW! You can still salvage you wedding in time, but only if you tell your feelings. A traditional Catholic always gives his fraternal allegiance to clan and family, but at marriage as Scripture tells us “he leaves his father and his mother to be joined in one body.” He must begin to do this now, or else as you rightly point out he will always be a soul divided, and a man cannot serve two masters.

If you both value your Catholic Faith and seek solace in it, you will pull through. All my prayers are with you. 👍
 
apromisemade said:
Hmm…

Hate to break it to you hun, but it sounds to me like your hubby to be and you need to finish the coursework before you get the degree. You state at the beginning that your wedding plans are tearing you two apart, but it really sounds to me like there are some real plain old communication issues going on. You are right, getting married isn’t going to fix all your problems, it’s going to present a set of entirely new ones. All couples fight, if they don’t I would suspect something was wrong, but if the fights are causing the very foundation of your relationship to crumble, you need to take a step back and find out what is at the root of it all.

If it were me, I would talk to your fiance and suggest you guys maybe get some outside perspective or at the very least put the wedding off for a little while just the give yourselves time to breath so you can resolve these issues before you get married.
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All great advice. People put so much work into wedding day, but neglect the marriage, which is for life. You probably feel like your back is against the wall with your fiance’s pending deployment. Rushing the wedding is not going to help things. Maybe God is telling you that more time is needed to reflect on your lives together.

My advice is to seriously pray and talk to someone you trust and will give solid advice on this. God Bless.
 
*I love the above poster’s advice…I’d put this on hold, and pray about it. Not saying that this means you and your fiance shouldn’t marry, but maybe NOT RIGHT NOW. There are too many things going on. I don’t blame him for wanting his family’s (name removed by moderator)ut, there is nothing wrong with that, but I don’t like how he basically told you his family comes before you, until you are married. That is an odd comment to make a month away from one’s wedding…but, he could just be stressed. You both have SO MUCH going on…and being deployed to Iraq, it’s not like he’s going on a business trip, and coming back in two weeks. It’s so much more stressful, as you know, than that. I would really just take a step back…and put the wedding on hold.

I would really talk to your fiance, and express your concerns. Marriage is a serious serious thing, and to start it off right, you have to iron some of these things out first.

I hope things do work out…praying for you both! *
 
Wow, you preparations sound similar to ours when we were engaged. DH was gone until a week prior to the wedding, so I did it all myself and it was my last semester of college, too. He wanted a small wedding, me big and what we ended up with was small to me and medium to him:rolleyes:.

That being said, if my dh had said that I didn’t come first until after we were married that would be a huge problem. I also suggest waiting if that’s really his view on it. Making it through the deployment and celebrating with a big wedding would be wonderful. Also, don’t let the attitude of rushing the marriage before the deployment for the benefits influence your decision. I’m not saying it is, it’s just that in the military many people rush into marriage before a deployment for the money.

Also, just checking that this small wedding before he deploys would still be in the Church and not just a “paperwork” wedding for the military.
 
How about postponing the whole shebang until after he gets back and you can have the elaborate wedding his family wants. This would serve a few purposes: 1) You won’t have to pay for two weddings 2) It will give you two more time to work on the problems that you are obviously facing (don’t get married until they are solved!) and 3) It appeases his family.

And I’m not sure if you can get married twice in the church, you might want to check that with your priest.
 
I agree with AdriannaJean.

Plus:
One’s personal relationship with their family and future spouse doesn’t change overnight just because of a ceremony, does it?
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No. And I would never marry a man who thought it would. A wedding is a sacrament, that begins your marriage. It does not define it. It does not change anyone’s character.

If he thinks he will magically change as soon as he says “I do,” then what magic changes is he expecting from you? Better find out before you take your vows.

God bless you and be with you,

Ruthie
 
apromisemade said:
Hmm…

Hate to break it to you hun, but it sounds to me like your hubby to be and you need to finish the coursework before you get the degree. You state at the beginning that your wedding plans are tearing you two apart, but it really sounds to me like there are some real plain old communication issues going on. You are right, getting married isn’t going to fix all your problems, it’s going to present a set of entirely new ones. All couples fight, if they don’t I would suspect something was wrong, but if the fights are causing the very foundation of your relationship to crumble, you need to take a step back and find out what is at the root of it all.

If it were me, I would talk to your fiance and suggest you guys maybe get some outside perspective or at the very least put the wedding off for a little while just the give yourselves time to breath so you can resolve these issues before you get married.
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Good, solid advice!👍 I’ve said a prayer for you and your fiance.
 
He may think he will change, but his mom won’t.

You’ve gotten very good advice here.

This is what it looks like to me:

There are two kinds of fiascos… the really big wedding that the couple spends all their engagement planning down to the color of the ribbons on the matchbook covers. The day after the wedding, their big project is over, the one thing they had in common for the last year, and now it’s all downhill. Seems to be an inverse ratio between the cost of a wedding and the length of a marriage.

The other fiasco… The wedding planning that gets blamed for causing stress and breaking a couple apart when really the planning uncovers deeper problems in a relationship… like poor communication, differing family expectations, different monetary expectations and differing people management skills.

You sound like the second case. You both agreed till the wedding planning got into full swing. What happened? My guess… his mother started pressuring him to expand the wedding plans. He’s trying to please her. It’s spinning out of control. He’s more used to a lifetime of pleasing her or at least placating her than of pleasing you, so he reverts to default mode.

Until he learns to say “Mother, I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut, but this is how we plan to do it,” be prepared for her (name removed by moderator)ut in the timing of your children’s conceptions, their names, how you potty train them, where you vacation and who you spend holidays with.

You don’t say how many siblings he has or if he is the only son. If he’s an only child or only son, you may want to be very careful. Unless he becomes more independent, you’re going to be jockeying to outrank her for years. There are lots of issues here… a mother with a son deploying, you facing that, an onrushing wedding date…

But life is what happens when you are making your plans. And you are encountering reality as you make your wedding plans. You are seeing how he and you handle stress, how you budget, how you stick to budgets, who has veto power in your relationship and many other things.

I’m with those who say postpone the wedding so you can plan it at leisure. And you cannot have two Catholic wedding ceremonies to the poster who asked.

The other choice would be to have a small wedding now and then have the big party/homecoming reception with friends and family when he gets back. So you’re not in a veil and white dress then… it’s easier to have fun when you’re not worried about stepping on your own train.

Seek out the chaplain and talk to him honestly about this. He’s seen it all before dozens of times.
 
What do you mean by two weddings?Catholics can only have one wedding. You certainly can have two celebrations with a blessing perhaps at the second. But you cannot say your vows twice.

I’d think about postponing the wedding until you can satisfy everybody. And you can be sure you can communicate and decision make effectively on big issues without outsider (name removed by moderator)ut.
 
I don’t know if it’s still available, but there was a book out called “After every wedding comes a marriage” By Florence Littauer. I no longer have a copy, but I remember it was a good book. I originally got it with two tapes coming with it.
 
Seatuck said:
What do you mean by two weddings?Catholics can only have one wedding. You certainly can have two celebrations with a blessing perhaps at the second. But you cannot say your vows twice.

.
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Do some searching here, you will find where Canon law says you can only have one wedding. You CAN have 47 receptions if you like 🙂

I want to point out something that has gone unmentioned here. This man is going to war. There is a chance he will never return. THAT is reality. As the mom of a son, I would want to have a chance to dance with my son at his wedding.

If giving your financee and his mom a reception to remember before he goes to face death is something you are not willing to do, maybe it is best to postpone the wedding until he returns. Get some more counseling with the Priest.

Spend some of this precious money on a big family party before the man depolys. Get married later.
 
You’ve gotten some great advice. My suggestion is just from my own experience. When DH and I got married, we both felt that it was more important to plan our marriage than it was to plan our wedding. Now, we had the big church ceremony and reception, I wore a beautiful dress… but ten years later, it’s the foundations we laid down then that keep us going. I’ll be honest, we’ve never really fought a day in our entire lives together, but we’re going through a rough patch. With two little ones (3 & 5), financial pressures, unbelievable work stress for him, aging/ailing parents and extended family, multiple households to run, community involvement, part-time jobs for both of us - we are exhausted, worn out, and have no time for US.

If we had skipped those early steps, if we had not entered into marriage deliberately and carefully, I’m not sure how we’d weather this storm.

Do your pre-Cana weekend. Meet with your priest together. Pray together. Read books on marriage together. Put your wedding on hold until after deployment, or otherwise let him and his mother choose the wedding they want. You can’t fight a tug of war if you just let go of the rope. It’s not worth the battles.

Good luck to you both.
 
Sage advice from everyone. My two cents is this: If you want to know how your future husband will treat you in the years to come; watch closely how his family interacts. If you want to know how important you will be to him, watch how he responds to a situation just like this one. You two had discussed this, seriously I presume, and come to an agreement which he is now insisting be broken at the whim of his family. This is a big red flag.

When the children come and there are “political battles” over which family to spend the holidays with; or whether to live in Idaho or Montana, or whatever, he will respond the same way he responds now. People don’t change. If he can’t put you first in priority when it comes to planning your first day together as a married couple, he never will. The question isn’t whether or how he will change; but can you live with it? Now is the time to decide this, not after the wedding.

I can’t advise you what to do. I can only tell you that, with experience from my first marriage and, knowing what I know now about life I wouldn’t marry him yet. I would let him go Iraq, finish his deployment, come home and start the planning again. In the meantime, finish your degree, and work on being confident and independent. There should not be a rush to marry just because he is deploying to war. (Spent 13 years as a military officer’s wife, I know the pressures). There should be a level headed, prayerful, mutual goal of a successful, lifelong relationship.
 
This is very similar to the problems my fiance and I had at the beginning of our engagement. I had thought we both wanted a small wedding, close friends and family only. Then all of a sudden it turned out that “close friends,” from his family’s point of view, meant 200 people! Every time he and I would agree on something, we’d go back and talk to our parents and come back to each other disagreeing again. Of course he would never admit that he was being led by his mother – in his mind, she had brought up some reasonable points, and he just happened to agree with them. On the other side I had my parents saying constantly, “Don’t do what *he *wants, do what *you *want,” which turned out to mean, “Do what *we *want.” And I felt pressured to do what they wanted (have the wedding in their town, which I didn’t want because of a complicated situation with the parish) because I was going to be “abandoning them” by getting married, and I felt guilty – like I had to make it up to them by doing everything their way.

I realized a few things. First, that my fiance really was an adult, and part of the reason he was pushing for a bigger wedding is because it was really important to have those people there – this wasn’t just a “mom influence,” this is something he really wanted. Second, that my parents could not make this decision for me, and neither could his – it was 100% our decision. Finally, that nothing was worth the fighting we were doing. It was genuinely awful and to the point where we could barely talk to each other for five minutes without a fight. (This was exacerbated by the fact that we are long-distance right now.) Nothing was worth the fighting – not our parents, and not our pet ideas about what the wedding was supposed to be like.

I called him up and told him, “It doesn’t matter what the wedding is like, where it is, or how many people are there, so long as we agree about it.” We talked for a long time. We each had to give a little. He had to abandon his idea of throwing the wedding open to his whole parish. I had to give up my wish to have as few “strangers” there as possible. He agreed to ask his mother to pitch in a little to cover the extra guests, and I ended up with the job of breaking the news to my family that we wouldn’t get married at their parish. It was really hard – we each had to give up some of what was important to us. But we came through it much stronger.

We haven’t had much of a fight in months. I feel much closer to him than I ever did before. We’re getting married in a month and a half and I feel at total peace about it.

I hope that your fiance is capable of coming to a compromise in this way. But you may have to be the one to make the first move, and show that you are capable of compromising a bit. Maybe putting off the whole wedding is the only option. Maybe the later reception is going to have to be toned down a bit. Maybe you should invite people to the ceremony and have a private reception, or host a “reception” in a back yard. Don’t be too attached to your ideas, or you won’t be able to blame him if he’s too attached to his.

And, of course, if you are still fighting constantly and full of anger about the wedding, don’t go through with it. Put it off until the stress has died down, like after his deployment. This is for your whole lives; another six months or so won’t kill it.
 
We’ve both known we’ve had communication issues and how that has been a not-so-small-concern in our relationship. That, I know we need to work on… But the thing that I can’t understand is why he would say that because we’re not married yet, he’s not going to put me above his family at this point. The wedding is a month away! Isn’t it a little late to still be saying that?
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RaiderB, you seem to think your inability to understand fiancé’s priorities are something separate from your inability to communicate well together.

your inability to understand his family vs. spouse issue is simply a manifestation of the communication troubles you two have. this is not an indictment of either of your characters. you are probably both very good nice people. but something is missing between you.

here’s what you need to know right up front, no ifs ands or buts: your inability to communicate will follow you into your marriage. it will show up in many increasingly ugly ways.

a month is not enough time to fix it.
 
I shared some of your experiences. I just got married in November to my beloved wife (whom I love so much YAY couldn’t resist that…😊). As a reservist, I had a slated deployment for this June. My betrothed was going to be graduating from school this May. Now, the deployment has been pushed off until 2010, so things worked out, but that’s neither here nor there.

Speaking from a guy in the service, the rush to get married (esp. if he’s a trad. Catholic) is probably NOT about money. It’s about wanting to be married to the woman he loves before he goes away where death is a real possibility. Add to that the stress of not being with his wife for a long period.

My advice is to wrest any sort of control from the respective parents. In your situation, with the upcoming deployment that will be very difficult for the both of you, a wedding prior to the deployment needs to involve saying, “We really appreciate your suggestion and will give it much thought” to both families. Perhaps you can let them have freer reign in planning the post deployment bash, but the smaller affair pre-deployment should be in your control.

DW and I both have strong willed parents and their respective influence did create some rough spots. Lots of talking it out and prayer helped in our cases. Both of us had to politely tell our families “no, we’re doing it this way” and in the end, it worked out wonderfully. We also did a latin mass, but had it recorded, because both of us were exhausted on the weddding day as much of the work was done ourselves to cut costs.

Good luck and I’ll pray for you.
 
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