Help! What would you do in this situation?

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wings7

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I am in my 50’s and am alone. I have been sick and bedridden for over a decade. I divorced about 7 yrs. ago, and my children were helping me out. Recently,one of them got married and is struggling for work. I understand that. I have another child and he is married aand they both work and have good paying jobs,They take weeks of vacation every year. It doesn’t cost an arm and a leg because they go visit parents in aother country,but as far as I know they do not stay with parents,they rent a hotel room on ocean. Now, my son says it stresses him out to help me with money. And at least I have a roof over my head,food in tummy and heat and air conditioning. I said, I am thankful daily to God for this.
He said he can not promise me any money,such as for a water bill,etc. which runs around 15$ A month. He did help me with $40 for groceries this month and buy me little things,like potato peeler and I very much appreciate that and thank him. I get way below poverty level.
Even though he and his wives combined income reaches just under 6 digits, that is not really the point. It is that their attitude is so mean spirited and selfish. I do not care if they have a new plazma tv on the wall, or up to date with electircal gagets. I care that I am included in the family.cared about …cared about enough that they would like to see me doing well. My dictir said one of my health conditions is from stress and is causeing internal bleeding. The stress is trying to figure out how to get money to pay utility bills and dealing with the mean spirited controlling attitide of my child.
When I was raising my children I denied for myself things so my children would not go without. It seems normal to do and I was very happy to do it. When I bring that up they think I m saying you owe me. That is not the point at all. My point is, where is the love? God said honor your parents. He did not say honor your children or spouse or friends,if you understand what I am saying.
It makes me sad that I may not be able to pay an electricbil and therefore, no breathing machine at night or hospital bed working,etc. and I was told by my son that he will NEVER PAY MY ELECTRIC BILL. He actually went though my garbage a while back and saw a package that contained a receipt for a bracelet that cost under $10.00…which was from a friend of mine who sent me money for xmas,and told me to get something just for me. Well ever since then my son has blown up at me, always telling me what he will not do for me.
My priest said to set boundaries. I have tried and everytime he gets meaner and more controlling.
I was told, well, when people do not have Christ then they do not see how they are acting. My son is in denial. Blames me for everything. I aam not suppose to be sick and interuppting his life right now. He even once said on the phone to me,not too long ago, that I am responsible for his feelings. And if I wasn;t who was since I raised him.?
I would appreciate loving advice, I can not take anymore blame. I have been only loving to him. I strongly believe in being kind,forgiving and loving to your enemies,and right now he is acting like an enemy. It is so extremely sad. Besides needing the help paying some bills, I would like a loving enviroment between us. I have tried everything that has been suggested to me,I pray tons about this, I am not a quiter and I love my children dearly.
I do not like them being controling,selfish,mean.
 
It sounds to me that your son no longer wants to help you. Have you contacted a social worker? It sounds as if you are receiving some type of home health services. I’m sure they they can put you in touch with more services. I’m pretty sure there is help for people with medical needs, so their electricity remains on. Contact your electric company right away and explain your situation. Most of them have a fund to assist people like you.

Unfortunately, your son will not be someone you can reliably turn to in your hour of need, so you will have to find other help.
 
aw, wings…I’m so sorry. Reading your story broke my heart.😦 What does he mean that you are responsible for his feelings? Is he upset about you divorcing his dad? I ask, because my sister is in her 50’s…and her oldest son treats her pretty badly. They had a big blow up on Thanksgiving, largely due to his wife’s behavior, and that’s it…they stopped speaking. I think it has to do with his blaming my sister for leaving his dad…even though he was in his 20’s when it happened.

I don’t think there is ANY excuse, unless a parent is abusive or something, for an adult child to ever react this way…your son’s stress sounds like it’s brewing over something, but even so, you need some help, and are his mom. I will pray that somehow, he sees that you love him, and just need some help. Sorry you’re going through this. 😦
 
Middleman is correct. Please call your electric company. And call your diocesan office of family services. There is help for situations like you have.

I have a mean ex husband who treats his own mother shamefully, threatening to kick her out on the street. After she spent 10 years taking care of his house and buying the kids things and helping him all for free.

It’s all about his own mental health issues concerning his parents’ divorce. He’s still throwing a tantrum, even though he made sure his own kids have a crummy family history now too.

YOU didn’t cause this. Your son is a cliche like many others. And he will answer to God for not taking care of his mother.

The mothers here know what you have done for your children. You deserve much more love and attention in return.

Your children’s sinful response and selfishness toward you in your time of need is NOT your fault.

Please keep us posted. We care what happens to you.
 
Your son has a complex he needs to let go of.

We are each one responsible for our own feelings, and we have a certain amount of control over them – if we are willing to exercise it. Somehow he has to get through the process of letting go of whatever problem he bears in regards to this.

A child has the responsibility to take care of his parents in their later years. This is the responsibility of love. There is no escaping it, because one cannot desire to escape it under God, it is only how a good person properly thinks. But sin and disordered desires and views of the world can get in the way – they need to be removed.

So I will pray he will let go and start taking care of his mother like a good son.

How he takes care of his mother is how he takes care of Jesus and Mary.

For your part do your best to be a loving mother however poorly your son acts – do not even see it, put blinders on it entirely. Be a saint to him, and God will work on his heart all the more till he comes home.

St. Augustine and St. Monica, pray for this mother in need.

❤️
 
I’m sorry that you’re sick and unhappy. I hope that things improve for you and that you find some happiness. :grouphug:

Would you be able to ask your son if he could commit to several dollars a week, so that you don’t specifically have to ask him for money, and then you budget from that. This might help to promote peace and a sense of justice to you, your son and his wife.

God bless your son for all the times he’s helped you. Perhaps he will feel less stressed with an agreed set amount so that you both know the boundaries. He and his wife may already feel too frustrated by the calls on their income, and the pressure of never knowing how much you’re going to want him to give you, so if you could budget to a particular amount it may be easier for both sides. I know that it’s difficult to manage on a pension. I’m on one, but, please God, hopefully will be able to stay independent for the rest of my life as I live very simply

Are there Catholic charities in your area like St Vincent de Paul, who give much help to any disadvantaged people around the parishes, so that they can perhaps also help you with some expenses?

I hope and pray that matters and feelings will improve between you and your son. Take care of yourself,
:coffee:

Trishie
 
Thank you very much for telling me it is not my fault. As the mother I can feel as if it is me. 8yrs ago whe he met his wife, I was not for their marriage once I came across sexial photos and writing.Yet I still spent thousands on furmiture and stuff for them to set up home together once they got married. When she would come over to my house she would not talk. Very cold. I did say one thing once snippy. Not excusing myself, yet after no thanks for all I gave them and being cold and not talking to me and other things, It really wasn’t that big a deal,nevertheless, I appologized . And then my son brought up other things that made him upset with me,such as when they were young(teens) I made then weed the yard for discipline. And I heard this stuff and I appologized. I asked my son to wait to marry this woman because he only knew here a couple months and she was from another country where you hear about them finding americans to marry tog et out of 3rd world country. He said no. And they did not do the classes that the church makes engaged couples do and in a week they were married. I did not go to the wedding because I did not agree with it…at least take the steps the church teaches to do and it was so hurried. So, that is what he is mad at. I have appologized for the past 5 yrs. But he says he forgives me,but still it is llike this. and now that I need his help he is getting revenge but won;t admit it. I am sorry for hurting his feelings,but at age 33 he ought to understand all this by now. The girlfriend wont and never would speak english in front of me even when I tried to get along before they married. He doesnt see what his wife did to fuel the flame…not only me but my daugther and x husband all felt the same towards her.
Now that i live close to them, I see how hard he works and how she takes advantage of him.But I do not say a word. I only say the things I see that are positive. He then even said to me a littlel bit ago,he can’t handle me being nice…meaning accepting her.He has a totally wrong picture of me.I am sure wife added greatly to that. And He sees me through this negative tinted glasses and reads things wrong and hears things wrong…it is very extreme. SO I point out…re read what I said because it is not what you think and stuff like that. It is a unbelievealbe.
He told me I was a loser all my life. WOW>>>I am the one who bought 5 houses,sent him through college,and on and on.I got a nasty letter from her first saying I was a loser. Yeh, as she used my son to get here and get an education and live in a nice house he got…and none of that would of been possible without the upbrining I gave him. And then I am accused of being loser and ungrateful because I ask for him to help me with my electric bill and he says he is never good enough for me.That is not the issue. His thinkning is so twisted. I never ever exprected this out of him. He is so worldly and thinks he is not. He is so NEW AGE and thinks he is not. I pray all day for my children. It is so sad.
Now he wants children. I hope He can have them. I hope I can be in their lives. But I do notknow. I am told how fortunate I am to have food,(not enough,doctor said I need more food) they tell me I am fortunate to have a bed,which needs a pad because I have a bed soar. and on and on.
There are NOT places for me to get help.People think there are. But if I was younger and disabled or older over 60,then there is help. I seem to fall through the cracks. I did get help from my parish once for elec bill,but now I have to wait 5 months for help again because they only give to someone every 6 months. I do not have a car and no way to get to other places for help. I called some other places and if I come in I can fill out applications.but I can not make it in and they do not mail out the forms. believe me, I have tried over 400 contacts to no avail. I am not asking for advice on getting help. I know how that is. I am asking for help with my son and my daughter. and for prayer.
 
Shin said:
Your son has a complex he needs to let go of.

We are each one responsible for our own feelings, and we have a certain amount of control over them – if we are willing to exercise it. Somehow he has to get through the process of letting go of whatever problem he bears in regards to this.

A child has the responsibility to take care of his parents in their later years. This is the responsibility of love. There is no escaping it, because one cannot desire to escape it under God, it is only how a good person properly thinks. But sin and disordered desires and views of the world can get in the way – they need to be removed.

So I will pray he will let go and start taking care of his mother like a good son.

How he takes care of his mother is how he takes care of Jesus and Mary.

For your part do your best to be a loving mother however poorly your son acts – do not even see it, put blinders on it entirely. Be a saint to him, and God will work on his heart all the more till he comes home.

St. Augustine and St. Monica, pray for this mother in need.

❤️
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I totally agree. It is ONLY through the grace of God that I have been able to be loving no matter what to him. It is amazing actually. I know it is God alone working through me. I need to keep the blinders on,as you said. I like that way of saying it.Thanks
 
Trishie said:
I’m sorry that you’re sick and unhappy. I hope that things improve for you and that you find some happiness. :grouphug:

Would you be able to ask your son if he could commit to several dollars a week, so that you don’t specifically have to ask him for money, and then you budget from that. This might help to promote peace and a sense of justice to you, your son and his wife.

God bless your son for all the times he’s helped you. Perhaps he will feel less stressed with an agreed set amount so that you both know the boundaries. He and his wife may already feel too frustrated by the calls on their income, and the pressure of never knowing how much you’re going to want him to give you, so if you could budget to a particular amount it may be easier for both sides. I know that it’s difficult to manage on a pension. I’m on one, but, please God, hopefully will be able to stay independent for the rest of my life as I live very simply

Are there Catholic charities in your area like St Vincent de Paul, who give much help to any disadvantaged people around the parishes, so that they can perhaps also help you with some expenses?

I hope and pray that matters and feelings will improve between you and your son. Take care of yourself,
:coffee:

Trishie
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Interesting you said this…I JUST asked him tonight if he would commit to some amount of money. He said NO and laughed.
I have checked with everything and everywhere. There might be some hope with this one social worker. I am praying there is.
 
It sounds like there are some complex issues between you and your son and his wife. You got off on the wrong foot and it’s hard to undo that now. There are ill feelings between you and your DIL, and she holds most of the cards, being that she shares your son’s bed.

I doubt if we can solve this problem for you, honestly. Sometimes, repairing these types of relationships is rather like trying to put Humpty Dumpty together again. The best we can sometimes do is to pray for peace and understanding to help us to accept things as they are.

Sometimes, time will be what can heal these types of rifts.

God Bless you, I pray that you will get the help you need and that you will find peace and healing.
 
wings7 said:
Interesting you said this…I JUST asked him tonight if he would commit to some amount of money. He said NO and laughed.
I have checked with everything and everywhere. There might be some hope with this one social worker. I am praying there is.
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I am so sorry. So you are on your own, then. It’s very sad that your son appears to feel no tenderness towards you. I will pray that this will change, with you being your usual loving self, please God in time he (and his wife) will respond. I ask God to help you.

Let us know if the social worker can help.
I’ll keep your needs in my prayers.

Love, Trishie
 
Thank you for your compassion. I am all alone. My doctors have told me that I could die anytime. That was almost a year ago. And I have gotten more illnesses since then that are very serious. I am unhaappy about my situation with my children.And my situation,trying to survive with the little I have is very hard,but Iam grateful for very much too. I am unhappy about family,of course, and as long as I can survive that is great. I have learned to have so much more peace in me since I got sick. I am not all the way there yet,but our good Lord has brought me through alot. I am at the point that nothing in this world makes me happy. But praying and hanging out with Jesus and Blessed Mother and a couple friends I have in different states. So it is a mix bag.
I think of Jesus when He walked this earth and how betrayed He was. I am betrayed by my family. I have a big heart so it the hurt does run deep. But it is a paradox,because as God allows me this suffering, I also feel deeply His mercy and Love for me.
I know that is it only through prayer that I am alive now. I know how powerful prayer is. My hope is that my children turn to God.Whether it is in my lifetime or not. I would like to see it,but that doesn’t matter.
Please please pray for me and my children. AND Thanks for your prayers.
 
Does your daughter help at all?

I can’t help but feel that if that woman your son married is as bad as you say, eventually she will turn on him and his personality and the way he treats people will turn on her and they’ll both tear each other apart.

Character always takes the upper hand.

Trying to instill discipline in teenage boys is nothing to feel guilty for.

Letting a parent starve or freeze to death is unforgiveable. Refusing to help a parent who put you through college and helped set up your home is the ultimate in ingratitude. Eventually karma will get your son and his wife.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Does your daughter help at all?

I can’t help but feel that if that woman your son married is as bad as you say, eventually she will turn on him and his personality and the way he treats people will turn on her and they’ll both tear each other apart.

Character always takes the upper hand.

Trying to instill discipline in teenage boys is nothing to feel guilty for.

Letting a parent starve or freeze to death is unforgiveable. Refusing to help a parent who put you through college and helped set up your home is the ultimate in ingratitude. Eventually karma will get your son and his wife.
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I agree with this too.

What you’re going through is terrible. When your suffering ends, you will enter the Kingdom of Heaven and you will suffer no more.

I can never understand people who let their parents suffer, just as I can never understand parents who cause their children to suffer. 🤷
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Does your daughter help at all?

I can’t help but feel that if that woman your son married is as bad as you say, eventually she will turn on him and his personality and the way he treats people will turn on her and they’ll both tear each other apart.

Character always takes the upper hand.

Trying to instill discipline in teenage boys is nothing to feel guilty for.

Letting a parent starve or freeze to death is unforgiveable. Refusing to help a parent who put you through college and helped set up your home is the ultimate in ingratitude. Eventually karma will get your son and his wife.
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I don’t know is that woman is as bad as she is to me…to everyone else. I do know that she has turned on her own family that do not live in America. I do not think highly of her because of the mean things said to me and never thanking me for what I bought to help them start off together and being she knew I was a christian,at least she could done was appologize for the pics I saw and the notebook I read of my sons. Instead it was turned around and all blamed on me. I was willing to accept her,or I would never of did all I did back then. But she put no effort out and I was blamed for that too. CHildish behavior for adults!! My son thinks I am ingrateful because I need more help then a pack of toliet paper. He twists the meaning of the words and says to me, well we both think of eachother the same way. My example that I said about their ingratitude for all I bought for their live together, in no way can be compared to me being in survival mode,being extremely ill,stressing about where the money is coming from for utilities,etc. But my son does compare it. He is just not right in the mind. I do not know any other way to put it. I do think that in time they will turn on eachother. I was told that she has no friends here,only where she comes from. and when my son has come over to see me,if he is running past the time he told her then she calls to see why he isn;t home. I see alot of control and power games. and I see them pulling out the control and power stuff with me. Always, I am blamed and responsible for their actions. My son even told me that I am to blame for his feelings and actions…that I am responsible because I am the parent. He is 33 and she is 34. I knew at that age life was my choice and my decisions and no longer my parents. I do not get why he doesn’t see free will.
They put on one face for the world. They appear so friendly and smily and together. But I know my son and I have seen and heard my daughter in law and they are interior messes. She told me once that she doesn’t believe in religion.They talk very monotone at home and together. But my son is very passionate and definitely not truely that way. His personality is the type people say he should be in Hollywood. But when he is around her, he is quiet, meekish. Not the son I know. There is no reaching him with words, because when I try I am attacked very harshly,like being told I am a loser,etc. and then they get more controling and even less helpful and accuse me of all sorts of things that are not true. It is so sad. Lately, I am even wondering if my son is possessed? I do not say that lightly.
Thank you for responding to my thread. I ask God to sent me people to pray and to give me words of truth. I feel supported this way. It is a very very hard situation. I am wondering of for my health it would be best to take a break from my son and all his drama that he thinks is mine and it isn’t. It is so sad that they can get the latest gizmo,take a few vacations a year and so on and so forth,yet want me to live struggling and think that is fine because I have a roof over my head. Thank God I have a roof over my head! They would not give me that. they have an extra bedroom and bath. NO way would I be welcomed.
I go over all this in my head as I talkl with God. I just think how I was there for my kids and loved to be generous to them and listened to them,etc. I was proud to me a mom and loved it. Sure I made mistakes…but mostly I was a good mom and no doubt of that. and what I wasn’t good in…I have more then adequately asked for forgiveness. Do you think my kids ever asked me to forgive them!?! NOPE! their answer to that is…I was the kid so it is expected. Well, nowadays with all the abortions…I not expected to have my babies,but I did! Their arguements are so empty I do not even know what to say to them anymore.
thanks again for listening,praying and giving me your viewpoint. I mean this from the bottom of my heart.God Bless you.
 
Sweetie, it sounds like your son is being abused by his wife in some way and so he abuses you because you are a safe target.

I’d back away from them. Just say the Prayer to St.Michael every day for them.

He isn’t right in the head. And you are correct. Adults need to take responsibility for their own feelings. He is still a child in his head. He obviously found a wife who treats him like a child. She keeps him mad at you so they have a common enemy. Otherwise, he might turn his anger on her.

Pray they never have children. That would be unfortunate for the children.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Sweetie, it sounds like your son is being abused by his wife in some way and so he abuses you because you are a safe target.

I’d back away from them. Just say the Prayer to St.Michael every day for them.

He isn’t right in the head. And you are correct. Adults need to take responsibility for their own feelings. He is still a child in his head. He obviously found a wife who treats him like a child. She keeps him mad at you so they have a common enemy. Otherwise, he might turn his anger on her.

Pray they never have children. That would be unfortunate for the children.
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It is truely amazing how ,in this thread, people speak things that I have thought only to myself. I see this as God affirming me. YES, I have thought for a while now that my son is being abused in some way. And my son is being treated like a child and I think that is one way she controls my son. She feels helpless without him,she would never tell me that,but that is what I think. And I am the common enemy…and that makes sense why…otherwise they might turn on eachother. I was up all night praying and asked God a few times, WHY? I do not usually ask God Why. But I really wanted to know why my sone is doing this. I feel like you told me why…not all of it,but a big part of it.
My son is coming over this Monday to take my garbage out and bring my laundry…and bring my rent check I make out to my apt complex to the front office. It is too long of a walk for me to do the garbage and the check…and I do not have money to do the laundry here. But, I am going to have to somehow do all this. Please add this to your prayers for me. I do need to step back from my son. I have bleding in my stomach and the doctor said I have 70% blood flow loss from stomach to feet. I am very ill. Beyond very ill actually. May God grant me salvation when I die. And I so much want my children converted and saved.
You have helped me a great deal tonight. Thank you so much
 
wings7 said:
It is truely amazing how ,in this thread, people speak things that I have thought only to myself. I see this as God affirming me. YES, I have thought for a while now that my son is being abused in some way. And my son is being treated like a child and I think that is one way she controls my son. She feels helpless without him,she would never tell me that,but that is what I think. And I am the common enemy…and that makes sense why…otherwise they might turn on eachother. I was up all night praying and asked God a few times, WHY? I do not usually ask God Why. But I really wanted to know why my sone is doing this. I feel like you told me why…not all of it,but a big part of it.
My son is coming over this Monday to take my garbage out and bring my laundry…and bring my rent check I make out to my apt complex to the front office. It is too long of a walk for me to do the garbage and the check…and I do not have money to do the laundry here. But, I am going to have to somehow do all this. Please add this to your prayers for me. I do need to step back from my son. I have bleding in my stomach and the doctor said I have 70% blood flow loss from stomach to feet. I am very ill. Beyond very ill actually. May God grant me salvation when I die. And I so much want my children converted and saved.
You have helped me a great deal tonight. Thank you so much
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You poor thing! Pray to Saint Monica and St. Rita for the conversion of your children before you enter Heaven.
 
Wings, it sounds like from what you describe, that you need a different living situation or some in home assistance. You are severely limited in your mobility. It does sound like your son is helping you with some daily tasks. Do you have some sort of circulation problem?

Have you looked into assisted living or getting some sort of assistance in your home? There are programs to help disabled people in their homes with light housework. If you can get an outside agency to take care of these things, it also might help with your relationship with your son and his wife.

Our next door neighbor had similar problems with her son and his live in girlfriend, who was resentful of my neighbor. She was constantly asking her son to help her around the house. Her house in in ill repair and she relies on wood heat, and she constantly made requests of her son. This caused the relationship to deteriorate.

Check with your social worker about these assistance programs. I’m sure your doctor will write a referral for this based on your disability. Then, perhaps, your son will feel less put upon and the relationship will improve.
 
I think you are a very good mother. And I know that emotional and psychological suffering and fear can be more painful than physical suffering. Don’t let your suffering go to waste. Offer it up for the conversion of your children. Maybe someday you will see them in heaven and they will finally be the grateful loving children you deserve. By then they will know what you did for them and will have atoned for their treatment of you. When they meet God and He has them give an account of their behavior they won’t be able to blame you. They will have no one to blame but themselves. The God who made the human heart can’t be lied to.

I would suggest you write a letter to each of your children to be found someday when you are not here anymore. Let them know how you loved them and pray for them and what you tried to do for them their whole lives. Offer your love and forgiveness. Ask for their prayers for your soul.

I promise you one thing… someday at 2 in the morning they will be tormented by guilt that they can’t admit to anyone. And they will know it’s too late for them to apologize for you or pay your medical bills or electric bill. If they think they can pray for you, that might be the only thing that keeps them on this side of sanity.

I know you love your children enough to offer them one final act of love and outreach. You don’t sound like the kind who answers ill treatment with more of the same. That love from you may be what saves them in the end. Because their spouses are not helping save them now. A good spouse urges a husband or wife to be kind to parents. (And I suspect your son’s wife doesn’t want him to have a good relationship with his mother because her relationships are poor. And that kind never wants someone else to have better than she has.) When I house-hunted with my then-husband, I was even looking at places with MIL suites so she could live with us if her health went downhill. She chose him. He had her move in with him. She helped him. He used her for 10 years Now she is older and sicker and he is telling her to get out. But I can tell you that kind of son is miserable in himself. His mother leaving or dying won’t solve his problems. When you are gone, who will he blame everything on? Poor baby.

You do what YOU have to do to meet God with a clear conscience. Suffering has tremendous redemptive value. It’s why Christ hung on the cross. And He knows the pain of rejection of people he suffered for. He cured them, took their sins on Himself, fed them, taught them. And they turned on Him with vicious anger and mockery.

You are imitating Christ in His last agony. He gave all of us ingrates to His Mother as her own in the most uneven swap in history. She lost Him and got us. You can unite yourself to her too. She understands a mother’s pain having ungrateful hateful children. She’s got billions.

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. God loves you and perhaps is allowing you to suffer now rather than in purgatory. I’ll pray for you. {hugs}
 
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