Help with an embarassing problem

[Musicadmirer]

I applaud this young man’s efforts at leading a moral life in high school which is by no means an easy feat.

It was bad enough for me in middle and high school in the '00s. Forget about now.

I do concur with jphelins on the point of interacting with peers, but to a certain extent.
I’d rather enjoy activities alone then hang out with people who don’t really respect me for who I am, and what I do (or don’t do). This advice applies as well to adults.

Choose your friends wisely.

 

[valient_Lucy]

valient Lucy,
Would you really say that a teenage boy, who at 16 would still be going through the puberty hormone cycle, is being lustful be cause he notice a teenage girl, and that by noticing her he is sinning. If so I must rethink everything I have ever been taught as a scientist, and a catholic. After all “lust” is what drives sex, and sex is what allows any creature to exist (probably not the best way to word it on a religious site). Though I am happy that we agree about the not harassing her about your faith part.

That is certainly NOT what I was saying. I was saying that I was confused as to whether or not he was lusting after her or whether he had a crush on her. I would never suggest that for a 16 year old boy to simply notice that a girl was pretty was sinning. That would not be in line with Catholic teaching, and would be rediculous.

Also, “lust” is different than sexual desire and the sex drive. Lust sees another human being as an object to be used for personal gratification. Lust is devoid of affection. As C.S Lewis writes in The Four Loves, “We use a most unfortunate idiom when we say, of a lustful man prowling the streets that he ‘wants a woman.’ Strictly speaking, a woman is just what he does not want. He wants a pleasure for which a woman happens to be the necessary piece of apparatus. How much he cares about the woman as such may be gauged by his attitude to her five minutes after fruition (one does not keep the carton after one has smoked the cigarettes.)”
Sexual desire should drive sex, not lust.

 

[valient_Lucy]

PhanxicoXavier,
By saying “experiencing life” I do mean interacting with your peers and doing things besides reading, and spending your time alone. I am not saying that these thing are for everyone, but if your just doing them to keep you occupied, then maybe it is time for you to meet a girl that you can hang out with.

That is true. It is a good idea to form healthy relationships with your peers, both of the same sex and the opposite sex. Friendships are an important facet of life.

 

[valient_Lucy]

I do concur with jphelins on the point of interacting with peers, but to a certain extent.
I’d rather enjoy activities alone then hang out with people who don’t really respect me for who I am, and what I do (or don’t do). This advice applies as well to adults.

Choose your friends wisely.

I don’t think anyone would suggest otherwise.

 

[PhanxicoXavier]

I don’t think that I have that problem that Lewis describes.

This girl, and other nice ones at school, are driving me crazy! I can’t stand to think that if they don’t dramatically change their lives, Hell will be their lot! Why does no one care?!? This sin is difficult to atone for…

 

[ChristusVincit]

I don’t think that I have that problem that Lewis describes.

This girl, and other nice ones at school, are driving me crazy! I can’t stand to think that if they don’t dramatically change their lives, Hell will be their lot! Why does no one care?!? This sin is difficult to atone for…

You sound like a good kid, certainly better than I was at your age. But ask yourself, how are you going to bring these people to Christ if you don’t interact with them? Unless you become a monk, you live in the world. You can live in the world, and go to Prom and so forth, without being OF the world.

Are you thinking of being a priest? Because don’t think that that is an easy way out of temptations to the sins of the flesh. You can’t run away from these things. Face them, let them bash themselves against you because as long as you do not consent to them, you have not sinned. Temptation to lust is an occupational hazard of living in the world, and it will never go away.

And bear in mind that no-one is perfect. But as one pure individual, you can change the people around you. That girl you fancy, who dresses like a tart? She could be your future wife, you don’t know what the future holds. In a week, a month, 3 years, she might have a massive conversion experience and be even purer than you. And that conversion may even be thanks to you - if you live out your vocation to live as a Christian in the world (which, even if you are called to be a priest, is your vocation at the moment - don’t try and live in the future).

Good luck. “The world will give you trouble, but take heart: I have overcome the world”

 

[PhanxicoXavier]

Oh boy, I know that priests and monks have many more temptations than lay-people. I think that St. Alphonsus said that one priest had more temptations than a 100 lay-persons.

I’ll try as best I can to live as a Christian in public high school. I still don’t think that going to dances is a good idea. The Cure d’Ars calls dances “hellish amusements”.

EDIT: And those were minuets and stuff. Today is like gyrating bodies.

 

[valient_Lucy]

You don’t have to go to dances, but you do have to interact with your classmates. You mentioned in your earlier posts that you struggle with daydreams. The reality is, retreating from school and spending most of your time by yourself will only make that worse. The more removed you are from other people, the more intense your fantasy life will become. The best way to conquer that is to spend time with friends, and spend time making friends.

And if you do go to the Prom, you don’t have to freak dance. That’s your choice. If anything happens that makes you uncomfortable, leave. St. Francis de Sales, in the Introduction to the Devout Life, describes how St. Elizabeth of Hungary was able to attend dances and parties without compromising her holiness. He gives some interesting food for thought about attending parties. While he did not necessarily approve of them, he did understand that sometimes people, due to their state and vocation in life, do attend them.

BTW, I have attended dances for many years, and have NEVER freak danced or done anything even remotely close to that. It can be done. Part of it depends on the people that you go with.

That being said, if you think it would be too much of a temptation for you, don’t go.

Even if you don’t go to the dance, make sure you spend time with your friends. It’s the best way to overcome the daydreams that you wish would go away.

 

[valient_Lucy]

I don’t think that I have that problem that Lewis describes.

This girl, and other nice ones at school, are driving me crazy! I can’t stand to think that if they don’t dramatically change their lives, Hell will be their lot! Why does no one care?!? This sin is difficult to atone for…

Why don’t you care? Don’t worry about everyone else. Worry about you. Do you care about these girls? Do you show them that you care about them as human beings?

God cares about those girls. He doesn’t want them to go to Hell. That’s why he put you at that school. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not your job to convert them (that’s the Holy Sprit’s job) or to keep them from going to Hell (that’s ulitmately God’s job too.) But you have a small part to play in that as well, if you’re willing to cooperate with God’s plan.

Food for thought.

 

[PhanxicoXavier]

Thank you.

I’m sorry if my post sounded self-righteous. I didn’t mean it that way - its just that a lot of students at my school just say flat out “I DON’T CARE” if anyone even mentions religion or even just a moral issue. I truly believe its a sin of indifference, since everyone has the duty to find the truth. That being said, I am never the one to bring them up, I only offer my opinions when we have a discussion in class.

I will continue to think and pray on this matter.

 

[AnneElliot]

Why don’t you care? Don’t worry about everyone else. Worry about you. Do you care about these girls? Do you show them that you care about them as human beings?

He does seem to care since he’s worried about their eternal salvation.

 

[AnneElliot]

You don’t have to go to dances, but you do have to interact with your classmates. You mentioned in your earlier posts that you struggle with daydreams. The reality is, retreating from school and spending most of your time by yourself will only make that worse. The more removed you are from other people, the more intense your fantasy life will become. The best way to conquer that is to spend time with friends, and spend time making friends.

Yes, spending time with friends and interacting with others is good (even and especially those that aren’t your friends). And it’s especially good for keeping away needless daydreams.

BUT

He needs real friendship and real friends which–and I feel very safe making a guess here-- are not abundant at a public school. High school especially is not the place to find solid character and virtue.

 

[valient_Lucy]

He needs real friendship and real friends which–and I feel very safe making a guess here-- are not abundant at a public school. High school especially is not the place to find solid character and virtue.

I never suggested he should make friends with people who had bad character, or who would simply influence him to sin. I just pointed out that staying in one’s room and never speaking to anyone only leads to fantacies, and at some point, those fantacies WILL turn sexual.

PLUS, it is possible to have conversations with classmates or coworkers without being friends with them. I do it all the time; it’s part of my job in fact. It’s an important skill to learn.

 

[valient_Lucy]

Thank you.

I’m sorry if my post sounded self-righteous. I didn’t mean it that way - its just that a lot of students at my school just say flat out “I DON’T CARE” if anyone even mentions religion or even just a moral issue. I truly believe its a sin of indifference, since everyone has the duty to find the truth. That being said, I am never the one to bring them up, I only offer my opinions when we have a discussion in class.

I will continue to think and pray on this matter.

I’m sorry if my post was too strong.

It’s a good thing that you offer your opinions in class. Keep doing that. I wish I could do that more often.

Just don’t forget, “It is no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our preaching.” St. Francis of Assisi.

 

[AnneElliot]

I never suggested he should make friends with people who had bad character, or who would simply influence him to sin. I just pointed out that staying in one’s room and never speaking to anyone only leads to fantacies, and at some point, those fantacies WILL turn sexual.

PLUS, it is possible to have conversations with classmates or coworkers without being friends with them. I do it all the time; it’s part of my job in fact. It’s an important skill to learn.

I was not necessarily disagreeing with you. You’ll notice I said that interacting with others was good. I was trying to suggest that ‘making friends’ probably isn’t so easy at a public school. That was all.

 

[valient_Lucy]

I was not necessarily disagreeing with you. You’ll notice I said that interacting with others was good. I was trying to suggest that ‘making friends’ probably isn’t so easy at a public school. That was all.

Ok. As long as we understand each other.