Help with Catholic views on Annulment in an abusive relationship

[yladoob]

Hello from the wife.

Thank you for all of your comments, each were helpful and full of the holy spirit.

Please pray for my petition for nullity. I have a priest who is a witness and canon lawyer who agrees that the grounds are grave.

I do not believe reconciliation is possible in this case. If my petition is rejected and an appeal as well, I will live in celibacy and Godly joy.

Let us remember that God’s plan for us is better than we can imagine. Educate your conscience, read the scriptures and live in the sacraments. May God’s blessings and grace continue to overflow in your lives.

Et in spiritu tuo!

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, I should have been more specific, but I was trying to save time. We renewed our vows in the Church (I forget the technical name for what we did), and I agreed to have children regardless of my ‘feelings’ of doubt.

You know, I’d sit down with her pastor and have a frank talk about this. The validity of your marriage depends on the state of things when you got married.

(a) If you married with the capacity not to abuse her and intended to be faithful to your vows, but chose to abuse her anyway, then your later choice does not render the marriage invalid.

(b) If, however, you married with the intention *but not the capacity *to be a non-abusive spouse at the time you spoke your vows in the Church, then the marriage is not valid.

In either case, your wife has the right in canon law to severe common conjugal life if you are a danger to her, whether or not the marriage is valid. If necessary to fairly arrange your affairs justly, she could obtain a civil divorce to accomplish that. In case (a), she could not remarry if she deemed you still a danger, but a tribunal deemed you were capable of the demands of being the spouse of a Catholic. She’d have the right to stay away for as long as she thought the grave danger remained. If a tribunal found your marriage to be case (b), however, they would find your attempt at marriage null, because you were not capable of marriage when you spoke your vows, and the Church does not require the impossible. It is reasonable that your wife is taking a “wait-and-see” attitude about which case you have…that is, that she wants to sort out what is really going on between you and with you.

Having said that, it is not morally OK for your wife to try to stack the deck to make things look like your marriage is case (b) when things are really (a), so that she can decide later to take you or leave you. That is what you’ll want to clarify with her with a priest. She does not have to go back to you until she deems you safe, however. That is her prerogative, as she is the one who takes the grave risk.

 

[rayne89]

This is a post on a previous thread (in June of 2010) from the person who says is the wife of the OP.
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?p=6722429#post6722429

**The validity of our marriage: **Neither of us had ever heard of the right to the marital act open to procreation before we married and we only spoke with a priest once. And that discussion was more about paperwork than it was about marriage. After that, we went to an engaged couple’s retreat which we thoroughly disliked and ignored and had one session with the deacon who would marry us in only a few weeks. Bottom line: we were not prepared for marriage. We married out of the fear of being alone and out of an unhealthy codependency. I ignored Catholic teaching and intended to postpone children because it was what my husband wanted. He thought and said it would be immoral to have children or to even use NFP to avoid children until we were out of debt. I did not have the courage or self-confidence to end our relationship. I also learned that at the time of the marriage, he thought and hoped that I would “grow out” of Catholicism. To be fair, I also hoped and prayed that he would convert.

Since then, my husband has decided to become Catholic. However, as many of you have stated, it doesn’t matter what happens during the course of your marriage. What matters is what happened when you said your vows. I truly believe that our marriage is invalid. I know I did not understand what I promised and I’m 99% sure he did not either.

Apparently the OP did not become Catholic and has left out a lot. There is more than abuse as related to getting an annulment. The facts are a bit jumbled around here. There needs to be accurate information to get a proper answer.

 

[yladoob]

Just in case anyone was wondering,

We were given an annulment on TWO grounds:

The unwillingness to have children on his part
Grave lack of discretionary judgment on my part

I’m married to Catholic man and we have a beautiful son.
The OP seems very happy as well.

May God continue to bless each of you.

 

[Catholic1954]

Good for you! God knows best. Peace and happiness to you for the rest of your life! :flowers:

 

[AdamP88]

Thanks. Yes, the wedding was in a Catholic Church with a Deacon (I think). As far as I can tell, none of the Impediments or Grounds for Nullity apply to our case - but I’m not really here to argue that anyway. I’m just really trying to understand her mindset and the logic behind ‘if the church says we have to stay married, I’ll put in the effort’.

If your marriage is null, then there is no marriage to stay in. In order for this to be the case, there has to be some evidence of something lacking on the day you made your vows. Either a lack of informed consent or a misunderstanding of what Catholic marriage actually involves etc.