Help with forgiviness

[Steadfast_love]

I’m getting e-mails from my inlaws urging me to spend time at family gatherings with an uncle I never want to see again and who I want to keep away from my children.

I need help crafting a Catholic response to suggestions that I should spend more time with him. I’m relatively new to the faith so I’m particularly interested in the reasoning.

When I’m invited to his parties, I RSVP “I already have other plans” I’m fairly confident this is a solid Cathlic response since it is “bearing wrongs patiently” instead of grandstanding.

But when I get pressured to go to “prove” that I’ve forgiven him by going to his party I’m not sure how to respond.
Should I recite a list of wrongs?
Should I explain how I want to protect my kids from my creepy uncle?
Should I just keep quiet (which is misconstrued as surrendering a theolgicaly)?
Should I go holier-than-thou with a big bible verse fight (note: family is protestant)
Should I just make it about my emotions?
I’m not happy with any of these options.

 

[FrenzyJen]

“I have forgiven him, but that does not mean that I am comfortable being around him, or having my children around him. We have made other plans for the day”

I have a similar situation with a cousin that I avoid. I have forgiven her for what happened, but what happened proved that she is unsafe to be around, and that is something that I need to protect my children from. I understand your situation.

It is not uncharitable to keep your children safe.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t think there is an answer that is necessarily going to make them understand your position. Whatever you say, then, no matter how right it is, you will probably still have to keep answering these questions. So, speaking of bearing wrongs patiently, think of something you can repeat over and over and over without losing your cool.

Also realize that shunning is often taken as an act of relational aggression–and for some people some of the time, it most definitely is. Still, just as incarceration of dangerous people is not kidnapping, just so shunning of someone who poses an immediate threat is not necessarily relational aggression.

I guess I would explain it this way: Martha, I can understand where you’re coming from and how this might make you uncomfortable (or I appreciate that you want us there–whatever it is). Normally, I would not shun a family member, and certainly I wouldn’t try to punish someone that way. I didn’t make this decision lightly. The problem is that while I can forgive Uncle Fenster–that is, I don’t wish any ill upon him and I don’t want any revenge for what he’s done–and even believe that he isn’t at fault for the way he is, I cannot in good conscience conclude that he’s amended. He is too likely to re-offend, which is a big deal to me, and do so in front of the kids. That is not acceptable. (Or whatever your reason is…there are many reasons you may not want your children around him. For instance, you might say, “I’m not accusing him of having done anything, but I have boundaries for my family and he continually refuses to abide by them, so he leaves me no choice but to stay away from places he might have contact with us.”–whatever the issue is.)

IOW:
a) yes, I can see why you’re advocating for me/us to be there. thank you.
b) no, I’m not trying to shame him or make him out to be a monster
c) no, I’m not holding a grudge for something he has repented of and that he can’t undo
d) but unfortunately no, I don’t think my family’s non-negotiable boundaries are safe around him.
e) therefore, we cannot attend an event that he will be attending. Period.

 

[robwar]

I’m getting e-mails from my inlaws urging me to spend time at family gatherings with an uncle I never want to see again and who I want to keep away from my children.

I need help crafting a Catholic response to suggestions that I should spend more time with him. I’m relatively new to the faith so I’m particularly interested in the reasoning.

When I’m invited to his parties, I RSVP “I already have other plans” I’m fairly confident this is a solid Cathlic response since it is “bearing wrongs patiently” instead of grandstanding.

But when I get pressured to go to “prove” that I’ve forgiven him by going to his party I’m not sure how to respond.
Should I recite a list of wrongs?
Should I explain how I want to protect my kids from my creepy uncle?
Should I just keep quiet (which is misconstrued as surrendering a theolgicaly)?
Should I go holier-than-thou with a big bible verse fight (note: family is protestant)
Should I just make it about my emotions?
I’m not happy with any of these options.

Just say that you do not feel safe around him. You do not have to prove your forgiveness of him to them and if they say something along those lines, tell them that forgiveness is not sweeping problems under the carpet in the name of family peace. You did not say what the issue is but since you do not feel your children are safe around him and you called him creepy that he was involved in inappropriate behavior. If that was the case, you have every right and even duty to stay away from him and you do not need to justify that to anyone. If that was the case, he shouldn’t be around any children whatsoever and the family that is pressuring you ought to have their heads examined. People have misguided ideas of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not exposing you and your children to someone who has a major problem. Forgiveness does not let criminals out on the street. Forgiveness does not sweep bad behavior under the carpet. The same of it if that he has been creepy with you then there are others out there too and he should be put away.

 

[kmcarl56]

Just say that you do not feel safe around him. You do not have to prove your forgiveness of him to them and if they say something along those lines, tell them that forgiveness is not sweeping problems under the carpet in the name of family peace. You did not say what the issue is but since you do not feel your children are safe around him and you called him creepy that he was involved in inappropriate behavior. If that was the case, you have every right and even duty to stay away from him and you do not need to justify that to anyone. If that was the case, he shouldn’t be around any children whatsoever and the family that is pressuring you ought to have their heads examined. People have misguided ideas of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not exposing you and your children to someone who has a major problem. Forgiveness does not let criminals out on the street. Forgiveness does not sweep bad behavior under the carpet. The same of it if that he has been creepy with you then there are others out there too and he should be put away.

Amen to that! Your family must respect your wishes whether they agree with you or not. Just say you have your reasons to stay away from him, and that you do not need to go into specifics. They will probably figure it out and stop harrassing you to be around him. Tell them you think he’s creepy and you just feel bad being around him, and you don’t want your children to feel bad either. Keep your distance, and make no excuses for it. You have a right to do what is best for yourself and your children.

 

[Loving_disciple]

I’m getting e-mails from my inlaws urging me to spend time at family gatherings with an uncle I never want to see again and who I want to keep away from my children.

I need help crafting a Catholic response to suggestions that I should spend more time with him. I’m relatively new to the faith so I’m particularly interested in the reasoning.

When I’m invited to his parties, I RSVP “I already have other plans” I’m fairly confident this is a solid Cathlic response since it is “bearing wrongs patiently” instead of grandstanding.

But when I get pressured to go to “prove” that I’ve forgiven him by going to his party I’m not sure how to respond.
Should I recite a list of wrongs?
Should I explain how I want to protect my kids from my creepy uncle?
Should I just keep quiet (which is misconstrued as surrendering a theolgicaly)?
Should I go holier-than-thou with a big bible verse fight (note: family is protestant)
Should I just make it about my emotions?
I’m not happy with any of these options.

I would say something like if I had truly forgive the man. I don’t have anything against my uncle I don’t think he has changed his ways from the past so as to protect myself, family from his bad influence I am going to stay away from him. Now you must be willing to accost that your uncle might have changed and is willing to make things better. If your uncle is trying to make things better then you would be at fault for rejecting him theoretically. Also i said I would do something else before I knew about the party is an acceptable thing to say

 

[Steadfast_love]

Ok thanks this has been very helpful. I see I need to work on forgiving my family for turning a blind eye.

In retrospect it seems so clear.

 

[EasterJoy]

Ok thanks this has been very helpful. I see I need to work on forgiving my family for turning a blind eye.

In retrospect it seems so clear.

That is probably because it is so much easier said than done. Hang in there, and may you have bountiful portions of grace to help you!

 

[Book_Worm]

One thing I wished I had learned earlier in life is that explaining your actions or beliefs just gives people an opportunity to find arguments against them. The best explanation is the least explanation.

“I feel very uncomfortable having my children around Uncle Adolph so I choose not to do so. I prefer not to discuss the situation any further.”

 

[Serap]

“I have forgiven him, but that does not mean that I am comfortable being around him, or having my children around him. We have made other plans for the day”

I have a similar situation with a cousin that I avoid. I have forgiven her for what happened, but what happened proved that she is unsafe to be around, and that is something that I need to protect my children from. I understand your situation.

It is not uncharitable to keep your children safe.

THIS.

I think this is extremely fair. You don’t have do to anything you are not comfortable with. Forgiveness doesn’t mean seeing the person again. Your family does not understand what forgiveness really means.

I am sorry that your uncle hurt you.

 

[Serap]

Ok thanks this has been very helpful. I see I need to work on forgiving my family for turning a blind eye.

In retrospect it seems so clear.

I went through what I think you went through, but it was a different kind of relative. I have forgiven and since have begun spending time with this person again, but only in a group setting and I would never leave my children alone with this individual.

The thing is that I believe that my relative regrets what he did and is sorry. That is why I will allow my children to be around him only in a group setting.

But if your uncle is still creepy and has no remorse for what he did to you, then you have every right to not be around him again.