Help with friend issue

[Chabambou]

Hi everyone. I was wondering if anyone can help me in regards to conversations with friends.

Just a back story: I’m a 21 yr old guy who hasn’t been such a social person until quite recently. I’ve still kept in touch with my mate (my best friend since primary) and we’ve hung out more often than, say, the last 4 years (I was studying at college). Beforehand, we remained somewhat friends during high school, but drifted a little since he had his own group. As for me, I was making a few friends here and there, but didn’t have the best experiences with them. Towards the middle of my high school years was probably one of the worst. I was more of a loner and very self conscience. However in the end of high school things turned out ok. I developed my love for art (van gogh started it all! ). During this time, I was hanging around with my mates group, even though no one talked with me unless they had something to pick on. Of course I hated it, but I guess I was looking for some form of communication. But what really got me was that sense of my mate being on their side. That’s what made me want to drift away for a while during my college years until now.

Now fast forward to present day. My mate and i get along pretty well. I’ve also hung around with the guys in his group. Most of them have changed for the better, and I like their company.

My problem is that i feel my old self (loner one) has been embedded in me so much, that I really don’t know how to have a continuous conversation with my mate. I try to have a real interest with what he and his friends like, eg fishing, but he doesn’t give me much to talk about. When I’m over his place we will talk for a while, but then go straight to the computer and show videos on youtube. I’m starting to get a little frustrated because I feel I’m the one doing all the small talk. In contrast, he would talk and continue a conversation with his mates when they’re around. They talk about stuff that I really can’t relate to, and about people they know. The stuff we talk about are movies, music and work, but then have those awkward silences.

The worst one of all is when we were on a group trip together. My friend and I were waiting for our pizza; and we were just standing there saying nothing. Super awkward, for me at least. By then I was self conscience about the issue, so I was hoping he would say something because i didn’t know what to say. When his mate came past and said “man I’m hungry…” he turns around and starts talking with him about some practical joke he did at school. And there I was thinking to myself “oh thanks for the chat…”
I’m not saying he doesn’t enjoy my company (we went to the cinemas recently). It’s just that I want to be treated and talked to the same way he would with his other friends.

So my question is, is it me? If so how can I change? Or is it my friend? I can’t help being so self conscience. Thinking of things like, “you must be so boring. You don’t have a good sense of humor. You’re weak. Awkward.” Etc…

 

[Irishmom2]

Chabambou,

Were you able to make friends during college, or were you still a “loner?” Did you have the negative feelings you describe in your last paragraph then, or is it just when you were around your mate and his friends?

It is hard for people to let go of the way they are, even when they have changed or grown up from who they used to be. Either we, or they still see us the old way even when we have changed. It is hard to break out of how we were sometimes. Even when we change, we can fall into our old “roles.”

I would suggest 2 things. First, that you minimize the time you spend with your “old” friends. I am not saying never see them, but just not alot. It sounds like you are not close with them, but they don’t mind you being there. I would feel like an outsider, quite honestly.

Second, nurture any “new” friends you have made. The way to make a friend is to be a friend. Seek out your friends that you really feel a connection with and spend quality time with them. As we get older, we don’t see our friends the way we do when we are younger, but we can have very good times with them still. If there is a real friendship, even seeing them a couple of times a month is better than a shallow friend on a daily basis. Try and find new friends at church. Become more involved with your parish and you may find people that you share more in common with than video games and Youtube videos…

May God bless you and guide you.

 

[AlTheCollegeGal]

Hi everyone. I was wondering if anyone can help me in regards to conversations with friends.

Just a back story: I’m a 21 yr old guy who hasn’t been such a social person until quite recently. I’ve still kept in touch with my mate (my best friend since primary) and we’ve hung out more often than, say, the last 4 years (I was studying at college). Beforehand, we remained somewhat friends during high school, but drifted a little since he had his own group. As for me, I was making a few friends here and there, but didn’t have the best experiences with them. Towards the middle of my high school years was probably one of the worst. I was more of a loner and very self conscience. However in the end of high school things turned out ok. I developed my love for art (van gogh started it all! ). During this time, I was hanging around with my mates group, even though no one talked with me unless they had something to pick on. Of course I hated it, but I guess I was looking for some form of communication. But what really got me was that sense of my mate being on their side. That’s what made me want to drift away for a while during my college years until now.

Now fast forward to present day. My mate and i get along pretty well. I’ve also hung around with the guys in his group. Most of them have changed for the better, and I like their company.

My problem is that i feel my old self (loner one) has been embedded in me so much, that I really don’t know how to have a continuous conversation with my mate. I try to have a real interest with what he and his friends like, eg fishing, but he doesn’t give me much to talk about. When I’m over his place we will talk for a while, but then go straight to the computer and show videos on youtube. I’m starting to get a little frustrated because I feel I’m the one doing all the small talk. In contrast, he would talk and continue a conversation with his mates when they’re around. They talk about stuff that I really can’t relate to, and about people they know. The stuff we talk about are movies, music and work, but then have those awkward silences.

The worst one of all is when we were on a group trip together. My friend and I were waiting for our pizza; and we were just standing there saying nothing. Super awkward, for me at least. By then I was self conscience about the issue, so I was hoping he would say something because i didn’t know what to say. When his mate came past and said “man I’m hungry…” he turns around and starts talking with him about some practical joke he did at school. And there I was thinking to myself “oh thanks for the chat…”
I’m not saying he doesn’t enjoy my company (we went to the cinemas recently). It’s just that I want to be treated and talked to the same way he would with his other friends.

So my question is, is it me? If so how can I change? Or is it my friend? I can’t help being so self conscience. Thinking of things like, “you must be so boring. You don’t have a good sense of humor. You’re weak. Awkward.” Etc…

I think everyone’s been there, this can be really rough sometimes. I think that it’s important to try and make plans with them maybe once a week, because it’s difficult trying to think of interesting things to say to another person every day. The standard, “So, how’re things going with you” is always great, because you are just listening to them talk and occasionally interjecting once in a while. I also agree that sometimes it’s beneficial to meet new friends, people you have a lot in common with. But, most of all, don’t feel self-conscious! I know, easier said than done, but still, it’s important to try and have confidence. Hope this helps, and God bless!

 

[Regina_Love]

Don’t give up. I have friends I’ve known for years. Friendships go through all kinds of fazes. Some times our view, of a person gets frozen in time. Especially if it’s some one we’ve known for years. I bet your friend thinks, you don’t like to chat, or are uncomfortable with it. That’s probably stuck in his head, and he doesn’t even realize it. He’s accepted that, and acts accordingly, cause that’s how you’ve always interacted. It’s a habit.

You want to, “grow up” your relationship. You want it to reflect the new you! Nice. Yes, it will be awkward at times. So what! When you start doing that insecure thing, thinking all those negative, self condeming thoughts, it comes out in your mood, and body language. Arms pull in, head goes down, you look away, and disengage. THAT makes others uncomfortable. People will take their cues from you! SO STOP IT! You’re NOT stupid, or unworthy. You are a blessing! You are unique, and this world NEEDS your gifts, and talents. We need you to be complete.

Get over your lowself! Tell those negative thoughts to take a flying leap! Stop being so inwardly focused. Focus on others. Ask them questions about themselves, and their activities. What did you like best? Why did you like that? How would you have changed that? What do you think? Then as they talk, make encouraging signs. Smile, nod your head, point your finger up, when they make a good point. Be encouraging! Everybody likes to be heard. Insert your own comments! Focus on everyone in the group. When you like something, bring it up. throw it out there! Tell what you like about it. Set it free! Your thoughts are valid, and relevant. Relax, kick back, enjoy the momment.

 

[Kal2012]

Sometimes talking is over-rated. A lot of people talk for hours, but say nothing of value.

It could be just the dynamic between you and your friend. There’s nothing wrong w/either of you, but you have different interests and have different expectations of how you want to use your time.

People change, grow, want to talk about and do different things.

 

[Chabambou]

Chabambou,

Were you able to make friends during college, or were you still a “loner?” Did you have the negative feelings you describe in your last paragraph then, or is it just when you were around your mate and his friends?

I was able to make new friends at college in the beginning. Towards the end I did have some negative feelings, but not all the time because I developed a friendship with my group mates. I do have one friend who really likes talking with me, and I enjoy his company very much. But the problem is that after college everyone’s been really busy, and not to mention, live far from each other.

I have the negative feelings not just with my mates, but with other people as well, like my relatives. One comes over from time to time. We talk a little, but then he goes to my dad to talk more with him. I could tell by the way he speaks that he’s more interested talking with him than I. My dad notices it as well, and he’s annoyed by it to say the least.

I guess my mate has some view about me. For example we went fishing twice on our trip. When we returned home I went to his house afterwards (we were planning to watch a movie, which was his idea). I said hi to his dad, and he said to me “so I heard you didn’t like fishing…”. I said I did like it, even though we didn’t catch anything I still liked the day out.

Maybe because I haven’t done most things he’s done, he expects me to dislike it?

 

[Chabambou]

Don’t give up. I have friends I’ve known for years. Friendships go through all kinds of fazes. Some times our view, of a person gets frozen in time. Especially if it’s some one we’ve known for years. I bet your friend thinks, you don’t like to chat, or are uncomfortable with it. That’s probably stuck in his head, and he doesn’t even realize it. He’s accepted that, and acts accordingly, cause that’s how you’ve always interacted. It’s a habit.

He knows I like to chat, but we just run out of things to say. It’ll be nice if he took on the lead, because I just don’t know what to say.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I don’t think it is you are him. Sometimes the chemistry between people just isn’t there. If you have known him since you were a kid, he probably feels a sense of loyalty to you but just doesn’t know how to go about it.

I have times in my life when I don’t care to do small talk. Especially since most of the ‘socially normal’ topics of conversation for small talk bore me to death

It is not easy to make friends