Help with friends who had IVF, left the Church because of it

[Southwood]

Thanks all for the replies, although I am disappointed that the thread has turned into yet another debate about the Church’s position on IVF. Please stop discussing the Church’s stance, and take your debate to another thread, there are many in which you can do so. What’s done is done, and it cannot be undone. I’m simply trying to make the best of the situation.

To provide more clarity, this couple lives on the east coast, and we now live in Colorado. The father is a good friend of mine from high school and college, and for a time, while they were in Maine (still there), we were in Boston, and we spent a lot of time together. However we see them once or twice a year due to distance, so the issue is a bit more complicated. I should have stated that up front. We are still great friends, but inviting them to Mass with us is unfortunately not an option.

I know they interpret the Church’s position on IVF as a statement that their children should not exist, they’ve stated it twice when I bring up the subject of faith and church. And while I know this is not the case, this is going to be the biggest hurdle. They find the Church’s position to be offensive and insulting.

My thought is to pray, a lot, for them and their children. But also perhaps to offer the perspective that while the act is not condoned by the Church, they were baptized, and that the Church now calls the parents to repent of their actions, and to offer up their remaining lives in gratitude for their children, who are truly gifts. The question is, do I even bring up the repent part, or just encourage them to come back to Mass with a grateful heart, in the hope that the Holy Spirit will do the rest?

 

[petra22]

I would invite them back to Mass. Tell them the Church is incomplete with out them! let God do the rest.

Me, too!

 

[Viki63]

I do think that married Christian couples should adopt more, but things aren’t quite so simple. There is a long waiting list to adopt infants, even those born with disabilities. And a lot of older kids are not able to be adopted because their biological parents will not give up their parental rights. It seems some people like to be able to say they have children but have no interest in taking care of them or letting others raise them. And of course a lot of people aren’t interested in foster care if they cannot adopt because they don’t want to bond with the child(ren) only to have them taken away. And then you get those who are just in it for the monthly paycheck, which isn’t good either. Money is necessary but it shouldn’t be the focus; the kids should be. And of course adoption is very expensive. A family that could afford to feed another mouth each month might not be able to pay the high adoption fees. The government really needs to work toward making adoption easier.
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I have to comment on some possibly erroneous statements. Perhaps you don’t live in the US; domestic adoption is not as you describe.
There are now limits on how long a child can remain in foster care if his parents can’t care for him. There’s a federal requirement that the state initiate termination of parental rights when a child has been in state care for 15 of the previous 22 months. That’s how we adopted our 2 foster children, since their mothers were not able to meet the (reasonable) requirements to get them back.
Domestic adoption is not expensive. If you adopt through the foster care system, it’s free, and there is often a subsidy provided equal to what foster parents get. There are many small children and infants in the system; our children were 10 and 28 months when they came to us.
Adoption does take a lot of strength and perseverance, because many of those children have behavioral issues. But someone willing to go through the trials of IVF might not consider them too much.
Sorry it’s off topic, but adoptive parents should not be dissuaded by costs.

 

[gardenswithkids]

I have more questions than answers for the op. Did they know the Church’s stance at the time the children were baptized? Why is it the they decided to leave after the baptisms? Did your friends regularly attend Mass and actively practice their faith before they left? Are they attending Protestant services or nothing at all? Do they discuss God and matters of faith, and if so how do those discussions go? Does it always come right back to IVF? And might they be harboring some anger at God still over their infertility?

Bringing young children to Mass every week can be difficult, so I suspect that it is not just their IVF alone that caused them to leave. If your friends had twins or triplets then the challenge of attending Mass and parenting in general can be even harder. Religious education takes yet another night of the week and many parents today have busy schedules. If one has a disagreement with the Church that’s sometimes just one of many reasons why people leave, but it is the one they tell people.

Obviously praying for them and your godchildren is something to do.

 

[gardenswithkids]

A Sacramental Confession doesn’t even need perfect repentance. They are really just one Confession from setting things “right” in the eyes of the Chrch. They have already admitted to you and others what they did, so it is not like they are hiding it. Encourage them to find a good priest to talk to in the confessional. While IVF is something like the flip side of contraception, it is not like it in the Confessional because they probably are not likely to continue using IVF. What they have done is done. Ask the to admit it in Confessional and move on.

As Lent aproaches, a gentle reminder about the Sacrament of Reconciliation would be appropriate.

 

[Southwood]

I have more questions than answers for the op. Did they know the Church’s stance at the time the children were baptized? Why is it the they decided to leave after the baptisms? Did your friends regularly attend Mass and actively practice their faith before they left? Are they attending Protestant services or nothing at all? Do they discuss God and matters of faith, and if so how do those discussions go? Does it always come right back to IVF? And might they be harboring some anger at God still over their infertility?

Bringing young children to Mass every week can be difficult, so I suspect that it is not just their IVF alone that caused them to leave. If your friends had twins or triplets then the challenge of attending Mass and parenting in general can be even harder. Religious education takes yet another night of the week and many parents today have busy schedules. If one has a disagreement with the Church that’s sometimes just one of many reasons why people leave, but it is the one they tell people.

Obviously praying for them and your godchildren is something to do.

I’ll try to answer a few questions, but am not sure about all of them. I don’t know if they understood the Church’s position on IVF before having it. But they were practicing, and routinely going to Mass before deciding to stop, which occurred a few years after the birth of their second, a girl. They are not going to any church. I know they are spiritual people, teach their kids about God and Jesus, but generally do not see the necessity of going to Mass every Sunday. The father once commented to me “nothing has changed in our lives”, which I interpreted to mean, “we’re both still employed, kids are healthy, we’re healthy, so why bother”. I didn’t press it any further, but left it at that.

I think the Lent suggestion is a good one. The mother is more spiritual than the father, as they are both modeling their own parents’ behavior. We’ll see what happens.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m well aware of the church’s standpoint. I was simply clarifying that IVF does not always result in discarded embryos.

OP- to be honest, I can understand your friends position on why they left the church. My parents did not leave the church after their IVF cycles, nor did they ever repent, as they did not believe they had sinned- and both of my parents remained actively involved in their congregation- serving on the pastoral council and hands on in the community outreach ministries.

My husband and I made the decision this past week to step away from the church during our treatment cycles simply because, like your friends, I have no desire to worship with people who think they can dictate how a couple builds their family.

Surely there are lengths which you, too, believe are unacceptable even for a couple who desperately wants a child. If someone told you they planned to do such a thing, would you not attempt to turn them from their plan, even though you felt deep compassion for their situation? Why would you think it is “dictating” behavior to admonish someone with such a plan, then?

It understandable to want to avoid discussing your ethical dilemmas with those who have a poor understanding of moral law, but it is not a good spiritual practice to avoid admonishment or any attempt to deepen your own understanding, particularly when a person is only reminding you of the Church’s moral authority, authority which you both accepted at baptism and recommit yourself to each Easter season in the renewal of your baptismal promises.