Help with inlaws now outlaws!

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marybee

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Hey Everyone, I need some advice from people who can be more objective.

First, my inlaws live about 1.5 miles away. For the past 6 months or so my MIL suddenly came down with a surprise “illness” right when she was about to babysit. Yesterday, she said she would babysit while I had a dentist apt. but NEVER showed up, so I took the kids to my Moms instead. THEN- I NEVER even got a phone call for an apology.

She tends to be led by emotions, she has a new “group” of gals from church that she only hangs out with, YEs I know its weird that an older lady has a “group”.

Heres the thing, she has disowned her own family (sibblings and mother), and I sense she is doing the same to us.

My FIL doesn’t act this way… SO SHOULD I CONFRONT THEM OR JUST IGNORE THEM TILL SHE IS READY TO BE A GRANDMA NOT SOME SOCIALITE?
 
marybee said:
Hey Everyone, I need some advice from people who can be more objective.

First, my inlaws live about 1.5 miles away. For the past 6 months or so my MIL suddenly came down with a surprise “illness” right when she was about to babysit. Yesterday, she said she would babysit while I had a dentist apt. but NEVER showed up, so I took the kids to my Moms instead. THEN- I NEVER even got a phone call for an apology.

She tends to be led by emotions, she has a new “group” of gals from church that she only hangs out with, YEs I know its weird that an older lady has a “group”.

Heres the thing, she has disowned her own family (sibblings and mother), and I sense she is doing the same to us.

My FIL doesn’t act this way… SO SHOULD I CONFRONT THEM OR JUST IGNORE THEM TILL SHE IS READY TO BE A GRANDMA NOT SOME SOCIALITE?
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Hmm, if it’s been going on for six months now and she’s treated the whole family this way at least you can be sure she hasn’t got anything against you in particular.

I wonder if it’s an early sign of some sort of illness or perhaps a depression or something? This sort of sudden (apparently so, from what you’ve said here) personality change sometimes is, you know.

Perhaps you can ask your FIL quietly about it? Just say you’re concerned about her, because she may genuinely be ill.
 
LilyM said:
Hmm, if it’s been going on for six months now and she’s treated the whole family this way at least you can be sure she hasn’t got anything against you in particular.

I wonder if it’s an early sign of some sort of illness or perhaps a depression or something? This sort of sudden (apparently so, from what you’ve said here) personality change sometimes is, you know.

Perhaps you can ask your FIL quietly about it? Just say you’re concerned about her, because she may genuinely be ill.
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Lily, right on. Heres the thing. It has been going on for 6 months with US! But she has not talked to her family including her aged mother for about 3 years. She has a bizzare pattern of obsessing over people, then ditching them and not having anything to do with them. she has these “best friends” that she gets really close to, then dumps them like a bad habit after a couple years. Then goes on to the new Group, the church group, whatever it may be.

But yes, she has issues, that is certainly true. I just never thought it would interfere with her being a “grandma”
 
Being a Grandma does not mean being the defacto free babysitter, and just because a grandparent does not babysit does not make them love their grandkids any less. Some grandparents want to babysit, some do not.

Being a Grandma also does not mean that one cannot have a group of friends. Having friends is a positive healthly thing - God created us to be social creatures!

Give your mother in law the honor that we are to give our parents, and hire a babysitter. Family harmony is very precious.
 
kage_ar said:
Being a Grandma does not mean being the defacto free babysitter, and just because a grandparent does not babysit does not make them love their grandkids any less. Some grandparents want to babysit, some do not.

Being a Grandma also does not mean that one cannot have a group of friends. Having friends is a positive healthly thing - God created us to be social creatures!

Give your mother in law the honor that we are to give our parents, and hire a babysitter. Family harmony is very precious.
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Maybe you didn’t understand, SHE SAID SHE WOULD BABYSIT AND DIDNT SHOW UP AND I HAD TO FIND A BABYSITTER IN 5 MINUTES. IF SHE SAID SHE WOULD DO IT, I WOULD RELY ON THAT. ITS NOT LIKE I SHOWED UP WITH THE KIDS AT THE DOOR WITHOUT ASKING.

ALSO, I WANTED TO MENTION, AS SOON AS SHE GOT HER NEW GROUP SHE REFUSED TO HAVE CONTACT WITH HER OWN FAMILY… INCLUDING HER DYING MOTHER!

YES YOU ARE RIGHT FAMILY HARMONY IS IMPORTANT.
 
Obviously, your MIL is one of those people who wants to be well-liked but can’t say no. It would seem her new friends give her the courage to do what she wanted to do, but didn’t.

I know a guy like this. He didn’t want to take in his adult son, who had numerous mental health issues. Instead of being forthright about the whole thing, he made excuses, one after the other, all the while protesting his love for his son, until the social service agency dealing with his son told him to fish or cut bait. Then, he could blame the social service angecy that his son ended up in a group home, not himself.

Whatever your MIL’s motivation, she doesn’t want to talk with her family, and she doesn’t want to baby-sit. It doesn’t matter if she’s right or wrong in her feelings. Her actions are thus and so. She might be depressed, she might be mentally ill, she might have a good reason. Facts: She doesn’t like her family, including her aged mother. She doesn’t want to baby-sit for you. She prefers her friends.

This isn’t rocket science. Your MIL isn’t dependable right now. For some reason, she doesn’t want to baby-sit. Don’t ask her anymore. If she suddenly asks why you no longer ask her to baby-sit, tell her sweetly that several times, you did ask, and she said yes then reneged on her agreement. You might then want to offer her a trial baby-sit when you are not pressed to be someplace important- but only if she asks.

Continue to invite her to family events, but don’t be surprised if she doesn’t show up. If she’s angry that you invite her family to events such as birthdays and baptisms, smile sweetly and say, “Well, we’re sorry you feel you can’t be there. Hope you change your mind!”

You give her control over the situation when you give in to these behaviors. It would be a good idea not to do that.

And it is not weird for an older person to have a group of friends, or even be influenced by them. It is not weird for a grandmother not to want to baby-sit. It is wrong not to give you notice that she doesn’t intend to be there, but now you know the score. Work with what you have. Ask you own mother to baby-sit, or hire a baby-sitter.
 
OutinChgoburbs said:
Obviously, your MIL is one of those people who wants to be well-liked but can’t say no. It would seem her new friends give her the courage to do what she wanted to do, but didn’t.

I know a guy like this. He didn’t want to take in his adult son, who had numerous mental health issues. Instead of being forthright about the whole thing, he made excuses, one after the other, all the while protesting his love for his son, until the social service agency dealing with his son told him to fish or cut bait. Then, he could blame the social service angecy that his son ended up in a group home, not himself.

Whatever your MIL’s motivation, she doesn’t want to talk with her family, and she doesn’t want to baby-sit. It doesn’t matter if she’s right or wrong in her feelings. Her actions are thus and so. She might be depressed, she might be mentally ill, she might have a good reason. Facts: She doesn’t like her family, including her aged mother. She doesn’t want to baby-sit for you. She prefers her friends.

This isn’t rocket science. Your MIL isn’t dependable right now. For some reason, she doesn’t want to baby-sit. Don’t ask her anymore. If she suddenly asks why you no longer ask her to baby-sit, tell her sweetly that several times, you did ask, and she said yes then reneged on her agreement. You might then want to offer her a trial baby-sit when you are not pressed to be someplace important- but only if she asks.

Continue to invite her to family events, but don’t be surprised if she doesn’t show up. If she’s angry that you invite her family to events such as birthdays and baptisms, smile sweetly and say, “Well, we’re sorry you feel you can’t be there. Hope you change your mind!”
**
You give her control over the situation when you give in to these behaviors. It would be a good idea not to do that. **And it is not weird for an older person to have a group of friends, or even be influenced by them. It is not weird for a grandmother not to want to baby-sit. It is wrong not to give you notice that she doesn’t intend to be there, but now you know the score. Work with what you have. Ask you own mother to baby-sit, or hire a baby-sitter.
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Yes this is all very true. I guess its not that she has a group, but that they seem to really not be a very healthy friendships as whenever I see her all she talks about it how she is the “misfit” and that they do all this mean stuff, and she still tries to be friends. Reminiscent of high school antics!
 
marybee said:
Maybe you didn’t understand, SHE SAID SHE WOULD BABYSIT AND DIDNT SHOW UP AND I HAD TO FIND A BABYSITTER IN 5 MINUTES. IF SHE SAID SHE WOULD DO IT, I WOULD RELY ON THAT. ITS NOT LIKE I SHOWED UP WITH THE KIDS AT THE DOOR WITHOUT ASKING.

ALSO, I WANTED TO MENTION, AS SOON AS SHE GOT HER NEW GROUP SHE REFUSED TO HAVE CONTACT WITH HER OWN FAMILY… INCLUDING HER DYING MOTHER!

YES YOU ARE RIGHT FAMILY HARMONY IS IMPORTANT.
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first of all - and you may not know this - when you use all capital letters in email or on an internet post it means you are shouting at us.

You are correct that your MIL showed poor judgement regarding her promise to you. I would think you would not ever take the chance that it may repeat. Even if she offers to babysit again you would, with good conscience and with love, say, “Oh thank you so much but don’t worry. We’ve made other arrangements. Hey, how 'bout that Barry Bonds? Think he’ll ever get into the Hall of Fame?”.

It is too bad that she does not treat her other family members well. She obviously needs to be raised up in prayer. I would definitely stop expecting her to be any different, make the decision to love her and then move on to the next deal.

We all have strange people in our lives that we end up related to - the moment I stopped trying to get them to behave in a certain manner in order to make my life smoother the better my life became - weird, huh?
 
LSK said:
first of all - and you may not know this - when you use all capital letters in email or on an internet post it means you are shouting at us.

You are correct that your MIL showed poor judgement regarding her promise to you. I would think you would not ever take the chance that it may repeat. Even if she offers to babysit again you would, with good conscience and with love, say, “Oh thank you so much but don’t worry. We’ve made other arrangements. Hey, how 'bout that Barry Bonds? Think he’ll ever get into the Hall of Fame?”.

It is too bad that she does not treat her other family members well. She obviously needs to be raised up in prayer. I would definitely stop expecting her to be any different, make the decision to love her and then move on to the next deal.

We all have strange people in our lives that we end up related to - the moment I stopped trying to get them to behave in a certain manner in order to make my life smoother the better my life became - weird, huh?
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Everything you said is true. I guess it is just more hurtful because a) we used to be close and b) she had a sudden VERY drastic change in behavior! (towards us anyway!)
 
Did you ask her yet why she didn’t show up?
Did you let her know, kindly, that it really put you in a bind?

Those are really your only obligations. She is free to have friends, any friends she wants to. Frankly, the issue really belongs to your spouse and his siblings as to how she treats them and whether they think she has medication issues, if any.

Protect your kids and get a babysitter you can trust. If your MIL is unreliable - than she is not babysitting material. And even if she could - would you let her? I wouldn’t worry how she treats the other siblings either - sometimes its night and day for whatever the reason - and really doesn’t matter. Protect your kids, get a person you can trust, and move on.
 
marybee said:
Hey Everyone, I need some advice from people who can be more objective.

First, my inlaws live about 1.5 miles away. For the past 6 months or so my MIL suddenly came down with a surprise “illness” right when she was about to babysit. Yesterday, she said she would babysit while I had a dentist apt. but NEVER showed up, so I took the kids to my Moms instead. THEN- I NEVER even got a phone call for an apology.
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You can’t change your MIL but you can change your expectations of what it means to ‘be a Grandma’. You won’t be disappointed if you don’t get what you never expected.

Don’t bother with a confrontation. It will only create more dis-harmony. (Your husband doesn’t need that.) I wouldn’t ignore them either. Just stop expecting her to do things for you. Ask her to join you for family events. Be happy if she does. Shrug if she doesn’t. (There will be more leftovers for lunch the next day.) She’s just not a person who apologizes. Some people aren’t.

If you have reason to think she is mentally ill, you can assist your FIL and your husband if they want your help.
 
marybee said:
Hey Everyone, I need some advice from people who can be more objective.

First, my inlaws live about 1.5 miles away. For the past 6 months or so my MIL suddenly came down with a surprise “illness” right when she was about to babysit. Yesterday, she said she would babysit while I had a dentist apt. but NEVER showed up, so I took the kids to my Moms instead. THEN- I NEVER even got a phone call for an apology.

She tends to be led by emotions, she has a new “group” of gals from church that she only hangs out with, YEs I know its weird that an older lady has a “group”.

Heres the thing, she has disowned her own family (sibblings and mother), and I sense she is doing the same to us.

My FIL doesn’t act this way… SO SHOULD I CONFRONT THEM OR JUST IGNORE THEM TILL SHE IS READY TO BE A GRANDMA NOT SOME SOCIALITE?
Click to expand...
Just one little point I’d like to make. Your husband should do any confronting. It doesn’t really matter how close you are. You are not her daughter. Confrontations are best handled by those who will not be disowned as easily.
 
Very good points made by the two previous posters. My own experience is that where a MIL is concerned, sometimes you just can’t change certain things. I’ve come to just accept some of this, frustrating as it is. Any time there has been any sort of “confrontation” it has been between my husband and her. He is the one who has more of a relationship with her, since she is his mother. In my own family, I’m polite to my MIL, but I’m not going to please her no matter what, and she won’t ever be the interested grandma I had hoped for, and I’m ok with that now. (That acceptance can take a while.)
 
I’m really sorry you are experiencing this dissappointment. I wanted my kids to have close relationships with loving grandparents, but it didn’t happen. And that was a loss I had to mourn, and still mourn when certain special occassions come up and the fairy tale family relationships are not there.

But, over the years I have done as the previous posters suggested. Take people for what they are, mourn and move on. Many times there are “grandmas” in the church who’s own grandkids are far away or have not “materialized”, and they would welcome the chance to play grandma to yours once in a while.

I also know, from hearing my own mom talk, that she has been taken advantage of by my siblings who live nearby to babysit overnight, over weekends, at the drop of a hat, etc. and she doesn’t appreciate it. Her energy is low, she has just gotten to the point in life where she has a little free time of her own, and the grandkids start showing up…whenever. That is HER perspective on it.

And, some people are just unreliable, and we need to rethink the roles we place them in. There are areas in which I am unreliable. Not pretty, but true.

Your mother in law is human. You can dislike her for what she isn’t, or love her for what she is. We never had family around to babysit, but we managed. Sometimes it is hard, and frustrating and I needed to vent and stamp my foot. But please don’t let it interfere any more than it absolutely has to with the pleasant parts of the relationship. Don’t let this type of frustration keep you from enjoying the good aspects of grandma that she is able and willing to offer. don’t rob your kids, yourself or your MIL of all that.

I made that mistake for awhile, and I regret it. She isn’t a ten, but I reduced her to a four, when she was quite willing to be a six. Hope that makes sense.

cheddar
 
You should respect and honor her. But put her on “ignore” when it comes to the logistics of life and find more reliable and predictable people to help you.

IMHO, if your not reliable…you’re out! This doesn’t mean you can’t be nice and do what you can to help her where possible.

But unhitch your wagon…
 
I wouldn’t worry about it. I also wouldn’t ask her to babysit anymore if she’s not reliable.

As for illness, who knows. But it’s up to your FIL to get help if he thinks she needs it.
 
Thanks Everyone. I sent a polite email to my FIL saying…“hey I waited as long as I could. Sorry I was worried about missing my dental appointment so I just took the kiddies to my moms. I hope nothing bad happened, hope everything’s alright”

That was yesterday morning. And it seems like they are ignoring me for whatever reason. I say this because every other time I have sent my FIL an email he has responded in less than 3 minutes! It is possible he doesn’t want to stick up for her or say anything bad, very neutral? I don’t know.:confused:
 
marybee said:
Thanks Everyone. I sent a polite email to my FIL saying…“hey I waited as long as I could. Sorry I was worried about missing my dental appointment so I just took the kiddies to my moms. I hope nothing bad happened, hope everything’s alright”

That was yesterday morning. And it seems like they are ignoring me for whatever reason. I say this because every other time I have sent my FIL an email he has responded in less than 3 minutes! It is possible he doesn’t want to stick up for her or say anything bad, very neutral? I don’t know.:confused:
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The polite email was good.

If I were you I’d just never mention the occasion again. Assuming they actually did get your email, they don’t want to deal with the situation or admit any fault. Let your contribution to family harmony (and thus to your husband) be that you allow the inlaws the right to pretend none of this ever happened.
 
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