Help with marriage problems and unhelpful priest

  • Thread starter Thread starter BunnyR
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
B

BunnyR

Guest
I was looking for help with my marriage and so I came to the forum to see what other people were doing when they were having marital problems. The advice seemed to point to asking the parish priest for advice so I decided to do that. My husband has recently revealed to me that he married me because he wanted kids and not because he loved me and he actually thought I was too old for him and he was not only not in love with me but not attracted to me! We have been together for 10years and this came as a complete shoc to me as I have spent the last couple of years nursing himthrough kidney failure and cancer. I also found out that he has explained his feelings for me and our marriage to his whole family!! And they have known for the last few years and I have been devastated by this information. I know this sounds crazy but my husband wants to stay together and have a ‘normal’ family life and says if I am really catholic I will not break apart our family…also my husband treats our two children very differently. My daughter is his little princess and my son who is 6 can do no right. It seems every time I leave them alone together my son has bruises on him. I asked my son the other day what was going on and he finally revealed to me that his Dad is rough with him when I am not around (always in a rough play attitude) and then he says his dad tells him he is not allowed to tell Mummy!
So I brought all this information to my priest who said he could not believe his ears! He said he could not really advise me one way or another what to do and cannot really advise me to have conjugal relations with my husband if I don’t trust him anymore and cannot say I love him anymore. He then gave me a dvd for marriage councilling which is the most disgustingly sexist bunch of rubbish I have ever watched in my life. I watched the first one with my husband and now he thinks it is perfectly ‘natural’ for him to be downloading porn onto his computer from my iTunes account!!
Please could someone advise me what I should do??? I am not an idiot but if my priest does not advise me and I want to ensure the safety of my kids and ensure I can still receive the holy sacrament. I don’t know what to do.
Bernadette.
ps. I have no family or friends who live here in England and no job as my husband supports us. We live in a council house with a joint tenancy.
 
BunnyR, do suspect your husband might be abusing your son when you’re not around? Or are they just playfully wrestling, throwing balls, getting dirty and banged up? If the former, my advice for you in unequivical: you need to do everything possible to protect your children by leaving the situation and ensuring that they are never alone with their father. You can absolutely still receive the sacraments if you are leaving their father because of abuse.

If you think it really is just all playful and accidental (my kids get bruises all the time, just from running around the house), then I’d suggest seeing a Catholic therapist for suggestions with how to deal with the situation.
 
Thank you for the reply…I don’t know if he is doing it on purpose or not. Sometimes I feel like I can almost expect something to go ‘wrong’ with my son if my husband is upset with me over something if that makes sense. Example: I wanted to go to the gym before doing the housework, my husband was not happy about that and was quiet and moody. The kids were on school holiday so he needed to watch the kids for me while I went. I just had such a bad feeling before going and I know now I should not have gone but I don’t want him to be able to dictate to me what I do and when I do it. Anyway when I came home, my son was sitting on the sofa and had obviously been crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing…I sent my husband out of the room because I could cut the tension with a knife and told my son to tell me what happened and he said Daddy told him he was not allowed to tell me. Once I got past that he told me his dad started a very rough pillow fight game on the sofa and pushed my son into the sofa with a pillow on top of him and then was pushing him down using all his weight (my husband is 6’ 5" tall!!) my 4 year old daughter yelled ‘daddy get off him you are hurting him’ and scotty was crying but my husband did not stop. My daughter confirmed this story to me. My husband said he was very sorry for hurting our son but he had no idea but he then threw a huge yelling fit when I asked him why he told my son not to tell me. He would not agree that he had done this and flew off the handle.
 
If you suspect abuse, call the authorities now. Since you’re in the UK, one of the top tragedies was Baby P. I’m pretty sure that the local social services will respond.

The fact that the boy was directed not to tell sets of a million alarms for me.

Google Catholic Charities in your area and see what comes up.

Or, try seeing a therapist on your own before you bring your husband.

Porn, for some, may be “normal,” but once t someone understand ours hurtful to their partner, they should try to stop.

Prayers for you and all.
 
So sorry for your troubles and the less than satisfactory counsel of your priest. If you suspect abuse it is very important to take action. You and your family will be in my prayers as I ask God to protect your son from further hurt and to lead you to a place where you can repair and restore your marriage.
 
Your husband is an abuser. Get you and your children away from him now. Your priest is not a qualified social worker, and neither are we, but from what you’ve written it’s pretty plain that he has some mental problems.

If you have to ask family to send money to you and your children in order for you to leave England and return to your home, do it.

It kinda seems like you don’t want to believe what your own eyes are telling you. You’ve seen the abuse, your children have told you the abuse is occurring, you must act.
 
It would be best for you and your children to move out and not look back. His kind of subtle abuse under the ruse of play sends up red flags that you cannot ignore.
 
If you think your husband is abusing your son when you are absent report him to the law and seek shelter with your kids now. File for an annulment as he has stated he never loved you and had alternative reasons for marriage. That has all the signs of an invalid marriage.

And don’t be so comfortable with the idea that your daughter is “his little princess” for good reasons. I hate to inform you of this, but that can be a sign of a predator. They often go out of their way to win the favor of the child they use for sexual abuse. Time for both kids to get checked by a doctor. (In other words, your husband may be doing what is called “grooming” your daughter for sexual abuse if he has not already abused her.)

If what you say is true about his attitude towards you and your children (I am not suggesting it is not, just a phrase here), then you need help from a different priest and the law. And I would start with the law and whatever is done in terms of child services where you live.)
 
this is not going to be too easy… but doing the right thing is never too easy.
  1. don’t tell mummy? what is your husband hiding from you? it is definitely not good and he knows it. since your son still told you, next time he will definitely find a more compelling way to make sure he does not tell you. you have to save your son.
  2. some priests are better than some in terms of experience, intelligence, capabilities etc. that means some others are worse. just don’t give up on every priest.
  3. he does not love you. he means it; that was why others knew of it years before you. having such a conception for years makes it more compelling.
  4. the church forbids divorce; but separation is legitimate. you might have to re-evaluate whether you want to continue living together as man and wife. the choice of living together or not is yours to make. but you must save your children. seek professional counsel from social services in your area… child custody issues require trained professionals (as well as child abuse). they will definitely tell you What to do.
 
Cricket2 said:
If you think your husband is abusing your son when you are absent report him to the law and seek shelter with your kids now. File for an annulment as he has stated he never loved you and had alternative reasons for marriage. That has all the signs of an invalid marriage.
Click to expand...
Love is not required for a valid marriage. The intent that it be for life, to the exclusion of all others, and accepting of children are.

Another reason for a decree of nullity might exist but a Tribunal would have to decide that and it’s not a given.
 
Priests are not marriage therapists. They are good for going to if you need technical advice such as how to procure an annulment or having a spiritual crisis or more everyday marriage issues, but when it comes to more serious marital issues and abuse…they are not qualified to give you advice. Seek counseling immediately, preferably through a therapist who has a background in abuse. What you describe is very serious. Children only reveal so much, because their minds and inexperience render them incapable of seeing the situation as an adult would see it.

Pray to St. Rita and St Joseph for guidance, and get outside help NOW.
 
BunnyR said:
I was looking for help with my marriage and so I came to the forum to see what other people were doing when they were having marital problems. The advice seemed to point to asking the parish priest for advice so I decided to do that. My husband has recently revealed to me that he married me because he wanted kids and not because he loved me and he actually thought I was too old for him and he was not only not in love with me but not attracted to me! We have been together for 10years and this came as a complete shoc to me as I have spent the last couple of years nursing himthrough kidney failure and cancer. I also found out that he has explained his feelings for me and our marriage to his whole family!! And they have known for the last few years and I have been devastated by this information. I know this sounds crazy but my husband wants to stay together and have a ‘normal’ family life and says if I am really catholic I will not break apart our family…also my husband treats our two children very differently. My daughter is his little princess and my son who is 6 can do no right. It seems every time I leave them alone together my son has bruises on him. I asked my son the other day what was going on and he finally revealed to me that his Dad is rough with him when I am not around (always in a rough play attitude) and then he says his dad tells him he is not allowed to tell Mummy!
So I brought all this information to my priest who said he could not believe his ears! He said he could not really advise me one way or another what to do and cannot really advise me to have conjugal relations with my husband if I don’t trust him anymore and cannot say I love him anymore. He then gave me a dvd for marriage councilling which is the most disgustingly sexist bunch of rubbish I have ever watched in my life. I watched the first one with my husband and now he thinks it is perfectly ‘natural’ for him to be downloading porn onto his computer from my iTunes account!!
Please could someone advise me what I should do??? I am not an idiot but if my priest does not advise me and I want to ensure the safety of my kids and ensure I can still receive the holy sacrament. I don’t know what to do.
Bernadette.
ps. I have no family or friends who live here in England and no job as my husband supports us. We live in a council house with a joint tenancy.
Click to expand...
You have to remember that Priests are not always trained in giving marital advice especially for a complicated situation like yours where it seems rather abusive not just to you but your son as well. I think the better is to call a hot line for abused women which is some ways you are emotionally and have a safe place to leave while you sort this out and decide what to do next. Are these his children with you? I’m kinda confused my the whole story but if he is claiming now that he didn’t love you but married you to have babies, it seems like this is good grounds for divorce and even an annulment. You do not need to put up with abuse and blatant disregard and disrespect and the sooner you can leave to s safe place the better.
 
I like Roy Masters’ raps on his website fhu.com/ about male/female relationships. And for a totally unqualified observation:) my Asperger’s buddy has parallel issues: women in porn seem more real; emotionally aloof; and an expert on self-forgiveness and excuses. I’d check into getting an Asperger’s-oriented psych counselor, see? He’s different with meds, my bud, but still has these basic tendencies. PS Tell everybody in front of everybody NO SECRETS! Blessings!
 
Thank you everyone for taking the time to help me sort this out. I guess I have been quite isolated since my husbands illness and have not realized exactly how badly things have deteriorated. I guess I have felt that it might not really be abusive because he has not hit me and I cannot say for sure he is hurting my son on purpose…I was not sure if anyone at all would take me seriously, or if I am just blowing things out of proportion in my head (I suffer from some anxiety).
I am worried that if I leave, he will then have long periods of time alone with the kids. I am concerned that he will have all the power as I have nobody here in England and he has a rather large family who see everything from his point of view…he has said some horrible things about me to them and I am actually embarrassed whenever I run into one of them because of the things he has said about me. Some of them are scary and intimidating. I feel that if my own priest has trouble seeing this ‘charming’ man as an abusive person then who is going to believe me? I don’t want to end up harming my kids more than helping them.
I have found a number for a womens abuse help here in my area and I will give them a call and see what they advise me to do. I would love to just pick up and move away but I cannot leave the country without money, a job, a home to go to or without his permission to leave the country with his kids. They are pretty strict on that now. Good news is I got a job interview on the 13th so hopefully that will be a way out for me. Please know that I feel more like it is not all in my head now and that this is actually really happening and I am planning to protect my children and myself in the best way possible and find a safe way to leave. God Bless you all for your help and prayers
 
It sounds as if you’ve already taken some steps towards correcting the problem. Here are a few other tips:
  1. From now on, document EVERY time your DS claims his dad “roughed him up”. Take pictures of any visible injuries. Write down exactly what your son said. If it turns out that your husband is an abuser, this will help to prove it and ensure that he gets only supervised visitation.
  2. Start stashing money away in case you need to leave. Cash is best because it’s impossible to track, plus he can’t freeze cash the way he can freeze a joint bank account.
  3. Start collecting copies of important documents, such as the children’s passports.
 
His_helpmeet said:
It sounds as if you’ve already taken some steps towards correcting the problem. Here are a few other tips:
  1. From now on, document EVERY time your DS claims his dad “roughed him up”. Take pictures of any visible injuries. Write down exactly what your son said. If it turns out that your husband is an abuser, this will help to prove it and ensure that he gets only supervised visitation.
  2. Start stashing money away in case you need to leave. Cash is best because it’s impossible to track, plus he can’t freeze cash the way he can freeze a joint bank account.
  3. Start collecting copies of important documents, such as the children’s passports.
Click to expand...
thank you, that is very helpful. I actually have taken some pictures of my sons bruises but was not sure they would be helpful.
 
Leave…him…now.
The UK has support for those in situations like yourself. Even if you are not British, your children are. (I think.) The UK will not allow them to go hungry or be homeless. So that means you will not either. This sort of situation is exactly why I have no qualms about paying taxes.

The son deserves better, and the daughter deserves better, and YOU deserve better.

Talk to a priest about an annullment after the civil divorce.
 
wild_thing said:
Priests are not marriage therapists. They are good for going to if you need technical advice such as how to procure an annulment or having a spiritual crisis or more everyday marriage issues, but when it comes to more serious marital issues and abuse…they are not qualified to give you advice. Seek counseling immediately, preferably through a therapist who has a background in abuse. What you describe is very serious. Children only reveal so much, because their minds and inexperience render them incapable of seeing the situation as an adult would see it.

Pray to St. Rita and St Joseph for guidance, and get outside help NOW.
Click to expand...
I will second this issue.

There are some priests who are trained (at least to the Masters level) in therapy, but they are few and far between. Many if not most priests have been trained in some counseling, as that seems to come with the territory; but for serious marital problems, you need someone actually trained specifically in marital counseling.

I don’t know where you live; in Oregon, Catholic Family Services offers counseling for a fee (which may be paid in part or in full by health insurance), and for those who need it and don’t have insurance, they have a sliding scale fee. I would suspect that your diocese offers something similar.

Lacking that, you could seek out a counselor elsewhere (for example, there is a similar group through the Lutheran church - if you seek someone outside the Catholic Church, at least try to get a counselor who supports marriage strongly (you may have to interview a couple of them).

The short of it is that the internet is not a good place to get help; people have all sorts of opinions, most often not based on training.

It would be best if both of you could attend counseling, but don’t let his decision deter you from getting counseling for yourself.
 
If you go to social services and the police citing abuse, they will (should!!) help you to get away to a women’s refuge where you can go with your children.

Someone else above mentioned Baby P. We have had a lot of children abuse cases in recent years in the UK which have highlighted the dangers and much more is done now to help than was ever available years ago. It will not matter if you are not a British citizen. It is the safety of the children that social services will act upon.

I agree with someone else above also, in that his claims about his reasons for marrying may well invalidate your marriage.

Also agreeing with the possibility of him grooming your daughter. He could be being rough with your son to shut him up with fear in case he spills something to you if he has seen something going on. Kids are not blind!
 
1ke said:
Your husband is an abuser. Get you and your children away from him now. Your priest is not a qualified social worker, and neither are we, but from what you’ve written it’s pretty plain that he has some mental problems.

If you have to ask family to send money to you and your children in order for you to leave England and return to your home, do it.

It kinda seems like you don’t want to believe what your own eyes are telling you. You’ve seen the abuse, your children have told you the abuse is occurring, you must act.
Click to expand...
If she is concerned that a good Catholic would not do this, she ought to know that a Catholic can separate from the common conjugal life on her own authority if the issue is danger to herself or to her children. That is how serious this is: the Church specifically put it into canon law that she does not need permission from her pastor to take the action that needs to be taken. The rule applies whether or not a marriage shows any signs of being invalid.

A six year old could be killed or permanently damaged in one episode. He is already being damaged every time his father does this to him. He will be doubly damaged now that he knows his mother knows, if she does nothing or doodles around so he can be hurt a few more times before she believes him. The fact that your husband hides these episodes from you ought to be your guide, OP. If he thought these visible injuries were innocent, he would not ask your son to hide what he has done from you. When someone lies about the physical harm they do to their own child, withhold the benefit of the doubt. Protect first, investigate later, because you can’t know what else is being hidden. When you see one rodent in your pantry, do you ever think there is only that one? That is not likely. Where there is one lie, expect that there are more. (Considering that he has pronounced that he has no feelings for you, even his “little princess” may be suffering from at least emotional incest. It is fine for a man to consider his daughters his princesses, when his wife is his queen. It harms a girl, however, for his father to fawn over her while distaining her mother. The harm can be very great, indeed, even if the man “never touches” his daughter.)

You may feel guilt because of the cancer, OP, but get your children away from your husband, no matter how you have to accomplish it. Even if it is his cancer saying all these things (and that is hardly out of the question), they are still in real danger.

As for the priest, he pretty much said this is beyond his capacity. Feel no guilt about finding help elsewhere. Priests can’t be everything they would hope to be. When they fall short, there are other priests and other members of the faithful who can help. Ask St. Joseph and Our Lady to intercede for you, and ask God to send the Holy Spirit to be your constant guide.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top