Help with Mother and accepting adulthood

[luvthelight]

Hello,

I am in need of some advice. I am currently a 21 yr old college senior, looking to graduate this spring. I am planning on putting off graduate school for at least a year or two, as I feel I am simply burned out and need some time out of school so that should I find I need graduate school (which I probably will) I will be able to give it my all. Consequently, I am currently job hunting and considering doing a year of service for this upcoming year. I have not asked my parents for any money, nor do I plan on it. I have a bit saved in my bank and I plan on relying on that for beginning leases on apartments/ other needed necessities until my job begins. I will say that my parents do help me out financially during my schooling as they have said they would rather give me an allowance while I am studying (I work every summer, full time) and allow me to dedicate myself entirely to my grades. My problem is this, my mother seems to be having a great deal of trouble letting me go, as in emotionally, but this is causing a number of problems for us. Tonight we got into a fight because I made the mistake of job hunting online while watching some tv with her, and she started criticizing all of the choices (‘why are you choosing that, thats not what you went for school for’, ‘that isn’t going to allow you to get anywhere’), I tried to explain that I am just considering everything to make sure I get a job, even the stuff I am overqualified for, just to ensure I get a job, but of course my top picks are going to be more closely related to my major. She would not stop, however, and continued to tell me how I am just setting myself up for disappointment if I expect to not move home after graduation because ‘a lot of people do’, to which I told her that I am not moving home after graduation, that I would take a second job if I need to (I want to stay in the city where I went to school, as I am graduating in three years, most of my friends are still going to be in school). Then she started in on the ‘don’t expect any money from us’. I have heard this speech before, to which I have always responded calmly but this time I got upset, and said forcefully ‘I have not asked you for any money, I am not going to ask you for any money, and I do not expect ANY money, so stop telling me to not expect any money, I plan on being self reliant because I will be a college graduate, and and adult and on my own’. She told me to stop giving her attitude, I made sure to watch my tone and told her that all I wanted was for her to treat me like an adult, and she rolled her eyes and just got all moody again. I really don’t know what to do, because I don’t want to just cut her out (I have been trying very hard to keep her and my dad involved, letting them know how the job hunt is going, what service projects I am looking into, ect) but she is making it really hard because she makes it clear that she does not think of me as an adult, but still just a kid who needs her constant guidance on absolutely everything and is incabable of taking care of myself. Now please, I know that many of you on here are mothers. If I am acting childish in any way please let me know, because I seriously just want this to stop. I just want her to support me in my search, be able to talk to me about next year and to think of me and respect me as an adult. I know that since I am her oldest it is hard for her, but she is making being home very unpleasant at times and I know that it is because she refuses to treat me as an adult that I could never move back home after graduation. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

 

[chewchoo]

your mother is going to be “hurt” because you are growing up. it just comes with the territory. different parents have different levels of reaction, so every case will be different.

do your best to be adult in your interactions about your decisions. the fact that you are sharing/discussing your life decisions with them is very good, very adult. but they are feeling the loss of their child. and you will always be their child. age doesn’t matter.

you are breaking away and you must. your mother may never fully let go, you won’t know until you get there. part of you being an adult will be how you handle your parents lack of acceptance that you are an independent now.

 

[Urf]

Sometimes you have to separate yourself from what is in you way in order to grow up. I am not saying break ties with your mother, but you need to distance yourself from the things that make it difficult. If talking about this with her makes you upset, dont talk about it with her.

A bit of advice on handling your mother: the next time something like what you described happens, getting upset (I know it’s difficult, and you have the right to be upset) is just going to reaffirm in her mind that you are still her little baby.

So if you’re job hunting with her around and she starts commenting, ask that she doesnt. If she continues, close your laptop and decide to do it another time. If she persists in talking to you about it, tell her that you are not interested in having the conversation, and if she cant respect that, leave the roo

Perhaps when it comes to comments like “dont expect any money” point out to her that you are trying to be an adult, and the notion that your own mother would not help you in a time of need is rather cold.

Oh, and get her a puppy.

 

[JPUSC]

Be thankful you have parents who want you around vs. parents who want to kick out their children when they turn legal.

 

[ChristinaM]

I’m a bit surprised at your mom’s insistence that you not take a job that is “beneath you” - in this economy you should take whatever you can get! Anyway, I’ve had to deal with the same type of issue with my own mother. I see you’re an oldest child, as am I. I think that makes it particularly difficult.

In my case I was getting married and Mom was just NOT ready to deal with the fact that I was “all grown up.” I was engaged for months before we could even talk about setting a date without her just losing it. Finally my fiance and I just had to tell her, “we are getting married on this date.” No negotiation, no arguing, simply told her and the family calmly that we had set a date and that was that. I made most of the decisions about the wedding on my own because I knew she could not cope with that. As with the date, I informed her of my decisions after they had already been taken care of. It seems harsh but that was the only way I could get things done without dozens of major meltdowns.

I suggest a similar approach for you. Just tell her what your plans are, and if she begins to argue, take a deep breath, say, “I’m sorry you’re so upset but this is what I have decided.” If she continues arguing just end the conversation. I know it hurts to see your mom so upset, but that is something she has to work through on her own. You have your own life and she has to come to grips with that. Given some time, I’d be willing to bet things will go a little smoother.

Did I also mention that I moved a 12-hour drive away from home? Never underestimate the power of healthy distance to improve the mother-daughter relationship.

 

[Catholic90]

Be thankful you have parents who want you around vs. parents who want to kick out their children when they turn legal.

Yes…mine never did, but my DH’s parent’s philosophy was at age 18 you either went to college or moved out completely. Once you graduated from college, you moved from college housing to your own place. Sure, you could maybe stay at the old homestead for a night or 2 until you got your things in order, but the sooner you were out the better…I just never understood that.

I see my DH taking that same approach with our kids. Granted they are still in HS, but I would certainly be willing to have them move back for a time IF THEY WANTED TO. I would also be OK if they decided they had other interests they wanted to pursue…just yesterday my 13 year old brought home some info from the AFS program. He wants to be an AFS student in HS and live in Europe for a semester! I would be excited for the opportunities he would have (and sad to not be able to see him daily).

I have some acquaintances who have a 30-something daughter who they have never really allowed to grow up. She is still very immature for her age, although the sweetest person, but even now she feels she has to get “permission” from her parents to do things…buy a new car, get a new job, see a guy more than once…if she doesn’t call them or stop by for a day or two, they get really “worried” and have been known to track her down just to make sure she is “OK”. That is obsessive and controlling and damaging, IMO.

Anyway, it’s late and I’m rambling…sorry

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

On the one hand, you are an adult and these are your decisions to make. Your mom repeating the same stuff is just straining the relationship. This is a good reason to just avoid these conversations with her. Say something like, “Mom, I really don’t want to get into a fight with you. We seem to push each others buttons, and don’t end up agreeing anyway. Let’s not talk about it now please.”

On the other hand, really you are TRANSITIONING into adulthood, you’re not fully independent yet. If you were already there, it would be less stressful, but because you are BECOMING more independent, your mom feels you pulling away from her. This will be hard for her (as it is for most moms I’d bet) until you stop pulling away, and are more stable in your relationship with her. It’s ok that you’re pulling away, but be sensitive to how it must be for her. Tell her how much you appreciate all the things she taught you, and remind her that your ability to make wise choices is partly (or all?) due to the way she raised you.

On the other other hand, young adults commonly make the mistake of getting a little cocky about their maturity, thinking that because they are now adults, they no longer need the advice of their parents. A parent seeing their young adult child falling into that trap might think that their child is immature, and probably needs even more guidance than one who recognizes his/her limiatations. I’m not saying you do this or not but your mom might perceive it that way. Let her know that her opinions do still matter, and that you know that you aren’t all-knowing. Let her know that you still respect her life experience and her desire for you to have a good life. Ask her for advice now and then. Ask questions, and then simply listen to her answers. Don’t argue back when she gives them to you, just take it in and think about it later. Don’t ask her “what should I do in this exact situation” but ask her what it was like for her when she was in your shoes. Let her give you some of that wisdom, and then make the choices YOU believe to be the right ones.