Help with my Emotions

[Goodcreature]

Two weeks ago, I was out with a group of friends, among them a girl that I’ve known for a while. I always figured she was attractive, but I never thought of her in that way. While we were having fun (riding roller coasters, that kind of thing) I realized how, well, perfect she was: she’s the kindest person I’ve ever met, she’s generous and forgiving, she’s always thinking of others, she isn’t loud and obnoxious like other girls, but she’s funny, and she’s just so darned cute.

I don’t take dating lightly; for me, it’d be more of a courtship. When two people “date,” it should always be with marriage in mind. If you wouldn’t be comfortable spending the rest of your life with her, why would you keep dating? With this in mind, I knew that there really wasn’t anything to be done about what I felt: I’m only 18, and will most likely be leaving for college this summer; I’m Catholic, and she’s Protestant, not to mention that her parents don’t like Catholics a whole lot. Every rational bone in my body said that nothing could come of it, and a relationship shouldn’t be pursued.

This is the first time I’ve really been attracted to someone, so I wasn’t at all prepared for how forcefully those emotions would hit me. It’s really tearing me up. I’m having a hard time thinking straight about what’s going on, and I can’t seem to reason my way out of it. My whole decision making paradigm doesn’t make sense anymore, my priorities have been overturned, and I can’t shake any of it. I’m even afraid of death! I haven’t been afraid of that since I was 13! I always knew I’d die eventually, maybe even tomorrow, so it didn’t matter much; now I can’t stand the thought! And what if she died?! Two weeks ago my brother could’ve died and I would’ve accepted it. But now if SHE dies, well, I can’t even imagine it! How could one girl do this?

I know that none of this seems reasonable, and I know it isn’t, but I can’t get out of it. This whole thing has gotten me pretty depressed for a while now (since the last time I saw her, actually), and I don’t know what to do except to possibly wait it out, if that would even work.

Just finished typing this whole thing out and realized there isn’t even a question in it. I guess I’m just lost. Is there anything to be done?

 

[pianistclare]

Few of things:
Stop obsessing…it’s not good. :nope:
Call her up. Make small talk.
Ask her out. Be lighthearted.
**Chill out. **
Don’t become obsessed with her or you’ll scare her and destroy any chance you have with her or any of her acquaintances.
If she says no, don’t fret. Practice talking to girls on a casual level.
Good luck!

 

[tawny]

Praying to the Holy Spirit to give you guidance, direction, strength, fortitude & wisdom in your time of need. Praying for your intentions.

 

[Xantippe]

Two weeks ago, I was out with a group of friends, among them a girl that I’ve known for a while. I always figured she was attractive, but I never thought of her in that way. While we were having fun (riding roller coasters, that kind of thing) I realized how, well, perfect she was: she’s the kindest person I’ve ever met, she’s generous and forgiving, she’s always thinking of others, she isn’t loud and obnoxious like other girls, but she’s funny, and she’s just so darned cute.

I don’t take dating lightly; for me, it’d be more of a courtship. When two people “date,” it should always be with marriage in mind. If you wouldn’t be comfortable spending the rest of your life with her, why would you keep dating? With this in mind, I knew that there really wasn’t anything to be done about what I felt: I’m only 18, and will most likely be leaving for college this summer; I’m Catholic, and she’s Protestant, not to mention that her parents don’t like Catholics a whole lot. Every rational bone in my body said that nothing could come of it, and a relationship shouldn’t be pursued.

This is the first time I’ve really been attracted to someone, so I wasn’t at all prepared for how forcefully those emotions would hit me. It’s really tearing me up. I’m having a hard time thinking straight about what’s going on, and I can’t seem to reason my way out of it. My whole decision making paradigm doesn’t make sense anymore, my priorities have been overturned, and I can’t shake any of it. I’m even afraid of death! I haven’t been afraid of that since I was 13! I always knew I’d die eventually, maybe even tomorrow, so it didn’t matter much; now I can’t stand the thought! And what if she died?! Two weeks ago my brother could’ve died and I would’ve accepted it. But now if SHE dies, well, I can’t even imagine it! How could one girl do this?

I know that none of this seems reasonable, and I know it isn’t, but I can’t get out of it. This whole thing has gotten me pretty depressed for a while now (since the last time I saw her, actually), and I don’t know what to do except to possibly wait it out, if that would even work.

Just finished typing this whole thing out and realized there isn’t even a question in it. I guess I’m just lost. Is there anything to be done?

This particular situation has a lot of problems (you’re 18, about to go to college, she’s Protestant, her parents aren’t crazy about Catholics), but you know that.

I would like to address your ideas about dating, though. Why not take girls out and have fun in a respectful, physically appropriate, age-appropriate way?

I think that the courtship ideal, while appealing, puts too much pressure on relationships when they aren’t ready for it. Here are some better ideas:

thomasumstattd.com/2014/08/courtship-fundamentally-flawed/

 

[Goodcreature]

Few of things:
Stop obsessing…it’s not good. :nope:
Call her up. Make small talk.
Ask her out. Be lighthearted.
**Chill out. **
Don’t become obsessed with her or you’ll scare her and destroy any chance you have with her or any of her acquaintances.
If she says no, don’t fret. Practice talking to girls on a casual level.
Good luck!

You’re right, obsession is not good. The part I’m struggling with is stopping it. But at the same time, I don’t want to start a relationship. I shouldn’t do that yet, especially now. Or should I? I don’t know. But obsessing is not good. Still working on that.

 

[Goodcreature]

Praying to the Holy Spirit to give you guidance, direction, strength, fortitude & wisdom in your time of need. Praying for your intentions.

Thank you.

This particular situation has a lot of problems (you’re 18, about to go to college, she’s Protestant, her parents aren’t crazy about Catholics), but you know that.

I would like to address your ideas about dating, though. Why not take girls out and have fun in a respectful, physically appropriate, age-appropriate way?

I think that the courtship ideal, while appealing, puts too much pressure on relationships when they aren’t ready for it. Here are some better ideas:thomasumstattd.com/2014/08/courtship-fundamentally-flawed

/

Probably shouldn’t have used the word “courtship.” I guess I just meant a more serious view of dating. But even that might be a bit much, according to the article you posted. Definitely something to think about.

 

[Goodcreature]

Thanks for all the replies. I’m just hurting, is all. I really like this girl, but wrong circumstances. But I guess I knew that from the beginning, anyway.

Hopefully this feeling goes away soon. I miss my old self.

 

[pianistclare]

You’ve got to separate in your head that simply going out to a movie or playing cards is not courtship.
You need to learn how to be around girls/women without attachment. Make some girl “friends”, friends who are girls.
Nobody is advocating that you get involved seriously with anyone. No way. Not at this age.
But you’ve got to develop some interpersonal skills to where you don’t think about them
24-7 and it causes you distress.
Good luck! You’ll meet plenty of girls in your college classes.
Be a good friend to them.

 

[Goodcreature]

You’ve got to separate in your head that simply going out to a movie or playing cards is not courtship.
You need to learn how to be around girls/women without attachment. Make some girl “friends”, friends who are girls.
Nobody is advocating that you get involved seriously with anyone. No way. Not at this age.
But you’ve got to develop some interpersonal skills to where you don’t think about them
24-7 and it causes you distress.
Good luck! You’ll meet plenty of girls in your college classes.
Be a good friend to them.

I think you may have misunderstood me. I’ve known this girl for years; this feeling about her really kind of dropped out of the blue.

Alright, so dating (at least the kind I was thinking of) is totally out of the question with anyone. At least for now. Right? But why? How do I figure out what I should and shouldn’t do? Or, what am I supposed to do? Is there some kind of default Catholic lifestyle to follow? If that makes any sense.

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

What’s going on right now is a chemical reaction of various hormones in your body. Eventually this will subside and you won’t feel like this anymore.

Catholics shouldn’t date for the sake of dating. Dating should have marriage in mind.

If you’re not prepared to get married and have children, you’re not ready to date.

 

[Goodcreature]

What’s going on right now is a chemical reaction of various hormones in your body. Eventually this will subside and you won’t feel like this anymore.

Thank you!

Catholics shouldn’t date for the sake of dating. Dating should have marriage in mind.

If you’re not prepared to get married and have children, you’re not ready to date.

Waiting until I’m prepared (If I even end up going that route. God may have other plans, which would render this all a funny memory.) would mean not just personal preparedness, but also situationally and financially. That seems simple enough. Simple is good for my hormone addled brain right now.

 

[Xantippe]

What’s going on right now is a chemical reaction of various hormones in your body. Eventually this will subside and you won’t feel like this anymore.

Catholics shouldn’t date for the sake of dating. Dating should have marriage in mind.

If you’re not prepared to get married and have children, you’re not ready to date.

I think that readiness for marriage is something that you really have any hope of knowing until you are in a serious relationship with a particular person that you love. There can be important mileposts (finished education or training, have steady income) that may indicate progress toward readiness, but I think that the vocation of marriage is not a vocation toward marrying an interchangeable member of the opposite sex, but a particular person, and hence, without identifying who that person is, one can’t establish whether or not one is ready for marriage.

 

[Xantippe]

I think you may have misunderstood me. I’ve known this girl for years; this feeling about her really kind of dropped out of the blue.

Alright, so dating (at least the kind I was thinking of) is totally out of the question with anyone. At least for now. Right? But why? How do I figure out what I should and shouldn’t do? Or, what am I supposed to do? Is there some kind of default Catholic lifestyle to follow? If that makes any sense.

No, there isn’t.

The most feasible advice I know is to do what the guy suggested in the link I gave–do 1950s style dating and don’t ask the same girl out twice in a row until you are actually very serious.
I realize that in high school that is VERY countercultural, but I think you will find it much more feasible to use that method in college.

 

[Xantippe]

Apologies for quoting myself:

I think that readiness for marriage is something that you really have any hope of knowing until you are in a serious relationship with a particular person that you love. There can be important mileposts (finished education or training, have steady income) that may indicate progress toward readiness, but I think that the vocation of marriage is not a vocation toward marrying an interchangeable member of the opposite sex, but a particular person, and hence, without identifying who that person is, one can’t establish whether or not one is ready for marriage.

To continue, dating is the process of discovering (discerning) who one ought to marry. And since one can’t be ready to marry without discovering who one ought to marry, it is often necessary to date without being ready for marriage.

 

[Goodcreature]

But dating as you define it is still a process of finding someone to marry, even if in a more general way than the alternative (dating seriously). You’re still actively searching, and narrowing your search, which implies a basic desire to marry. To do that, wouldn’t you still need to have the means to marry someone? Or am I still misunderstanding you?

Personal readiness seems like it would be one thing, and that it would depend on who you’re wanting to marry; situational readiness has to be there no matter what. You would be irresponsible to become involved in a relationship without being prepared, because you may just find the right one.

 

[Xantippe]

But dating as you define it is still a process of finding someone to marry, even if in a more general way than the alternative (dating seriously). You’re still actively searching, and narrowing your search, which implies a basic desire to marry. To do that, wouldn’t you still need to have the means to marry someone? Or am I still misunderstanding you?

**There’s also the need to learn basic social niceties and to acquire a little social polish. Some people can manage that immediately and marry their first serious girlfriend or boyfriend, but a lot of others need some trial and error so they can practice being a good host to a date, making pleasant general conversation, being a good listener, being a good talker, etc.

So I think there are dual missions going on:

1. Discerning a spouse (which it’s conceivable you might be in a position to do right now, but it is unlikely)
2. Learning social graces.

It’s OK to be an awkward 18-year-old, but to wind up an awkward 30-year-old would be near tragic.
**
Personal readiness seems like it would be one thing, and that it would depend on who you’re wanting to marry; situational readiness has to be there no matter what. You would be irresponsible to become involved in a relationship without being prepared, because you may just find the right one.

Well, if you find the right one, she’ll wait until you’re ready, right? There is such a lot of lead time involved in starting to date someone, getting serious, being engaged, and then having a first baby that I honestly don’t see the point of waiting to date until you are ready to marry and have kids that very instant. Add in dating a number of different people before finding the right person, and the lead time really stretches out if one delays dating until one is ready to marry.

That said, my preferred time table for marriage is undergraduate degree plus at least one year (or similar for people who go into the military or trades). I like the idea of a couple being done with undergraduate and in the work force for a year before getting married, as it gives them the opportunity to see each other functioning as adults in the adult world.

 

[pianistclare]

Well, if you find the right one, she’ll wait until you’re ready, right? There is such a lot of lead time involved in starting to date someone, getting serious, being engaged, and then having a first baby that I honestly don’t see the point of waiting to date until you are ready to marry and have kids that very instant. Add in dating a number of different people before finding the right person, and the lead time really stretches out if one delays dating until one is ready to marry.

That said, my preferred time table for marriage is undergraduate degree plus at least one year (or similar for people who go into the military or trades). I like the idea of a couple being done with undergraduate and in the work force for a year before getting married, as it gives them the opportunity to see each other functioning as adults in the adult world.

Ah…the best laid plans…
Leave it to God. Be friendly, get a good education, be a good citizen of the world, worship humbly, develop good social skills, and hang out with lots of people is what Xan is saying. I wholeheartedly agree. In the meantime, always pray for your future spouse. She is praying for you as well.
Plenty of guys have a set notion of what it will be like. It almost never turns out the way we imagine. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t what God has in mind.
Good luck.

 

[Xantippe]

Ah…the best laid plans…
Leave it to God. Be friendly, get a good education, be a good citizen of the world, worship humbly, develop good social skills, and hang out with lots of people is what Xan is saying. I wholeheartedly agree. In the meantime, always pray for your future spouse. She is praying for you as well.
Plenty of guys have a set notion of what it will be like. It almost never turns out the way we imagine. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t what God has in mind.
Good luck.

Yes, all of that stuff!

 

[Goodcreature]

Ah, now I see what you’re saying. Thank you.

And really, thank you all for replying. You’ve really helped me out, and I’m feeling much better, now. Well, mostly better; I’ve still got to get her out of my head, but that’ll happen in time. At least I’m not freaking out anymore.