Help with my faith journey

[LatinByzCath]

Hi, all.

I need help. I’ll try to make this short as possible.

So, I come from a VERY Polish family. My roots are totally Catholic, as well. My mother never liked religion (especially the Catholic Church, though her family wasn’t particularly religious).

My mother would not let me go to mass when I was little. It caused so much drama in my house (though I went in secret with my pious Babcia). I joined the Eastern Orthodox Church. It i a beautiful faith tradition and I will always love it. I went to a very traditionally Orthodox Church. Everyone was of one mind and very conservative. I enjoyed visiting monasteries, learning about the liturgy as I served in the altar, and all of that. I had such good spiritual nourishment in those earlier years.

It certainly wasn’t my plan starting out, but I found my way back to the Catholic Church and was received into the Church at my campus ministry’s mass.

It was rough at the beginning. I was scandalized by the more “progressive” elements in my diocese (my town is very Roman Catholic, and the diversity of opinions out there is huge. But even the most simple people go to mass. It’s really wonderful.) I wasn’t comfortable with what I thought were fluffy sermons, and I had a hard time with things like Holy Communion being distributed in glass containers and the like. I threw a fit for a long time - I became very annoying (I look back at myself in those days and cringe).

I went to a Traditionalist FSSP Parish. I ADORE the Tridentine Mass. Coming from the Byzantine tradition, I really appreciate the bells and smells. But the parish was so radically conservative. The priests talked so much about the evil homosexuals, how Jews and Protestants are running our country, and everything else. I loved the mass, but since the sermon was what I seemed to pay attention too the most (sorry, God!) I left. I loved the good advice I got in confession and all of that.

I was a mess. I would ask three priests the same theological question, and get three different answers. I was in an existential crisis. I wanted to know who God was, but no one could tell me. I wanted to give my whole life to this Church, but I couldn’t understand it as well as I thought I understood the Orthodox Church.

Then I spend about two years going in and out of parishes - Orthodox, Catholic, Episcopalian, etc. I found no peace.

Recently I’ve come out of a phase that I’ve been whirling toward at lightning speed. I got to the point where I thought I could live with the idea that God wasn’t really there. That religion was just something made up and people kept changing and changing it. I let this idea sit in my head for a while. It was terrible. I cried every night because the person who I’ve been talking to every night for my entire life wasn’t real. I took off my scapular, which I’ve worn since I was little. I took my rosary out of my nightstand.

I’m recovering from that. I need to take everything less seriously and be way less idealistic about things.

For the first time in my life, I need God. I want to feel Him like I did when I was younger, and I want to believe without having to understand. I want to have faith. It’s just so difficult right now.

I love God from the bottom of my heart. The thought that He’s not real is too much for me to take. I actually got sick the other day thinking about this. I need Him, and I need to feel His love for me like I did before.

I’ve just gotten so caught up in all of this “VII vs. SSPX”, “Tridentine vs. Novus Ordo”, etc. How can I stop letting this worry me? I’m just a stupid college kid - it’s not my job to judge what is right and wrong (that’s my Bishop’s job).

When I was younger, I used to talk to Jesus all of the time. When I would talk to the library and when I would ride in the car. I stopped doing that when all of this badness came into my head. But I feel empty.

I’m going to Reconciliation on Saturday for the first time in months, and Mass on Sunday for the first time in months, too. I used to get so moved by receiving the Eucharist that I would cry. I know there is infinite love and peace to be found in the Body and Blood of the Lord. I just hope I’m worthy. I’m so sorry to have strayed - I feel like I’ve lost control.

How can i have a more mature faith? How can I stop being concerned with the arguments in the Church that don’t concern me? How can I be more like Jesus, to show Him I love Him?

This probably came out longer than I want. Sorry.

I would love your help.

Pax et bonum.

LatinByzCath

 

[liturgy96]

I think you need to learn more about the faith, especially the Novus Ordo. The Novus Ordo is also a valid form of the mass, and quite solemn if done correctly according to the rubrics). Having said that, perhaps you should find a parish/diocese that celebrates the Novus Ordo with more dignity and solemnity.

This is not to say you should give up the Vetus Ordo/Traditional Mass. Attend that also, but keep in mind that the Novus Ordo is just as valid and beautiful as the Vetus Ordo.

I hope I’ve been of help.

 

[tawny]

Praying to the Holy Spirit to give you guidance, direction, strength, fortitude & wisdom in your time of need.

 

[Casilda]

How can i have a more mature faith? How can I stop being concerned with the arguments in the Church that don’t concern me? How can I be more like Jesus, to show Him I love Him?

This probably came out longer than I want. Sorry.

I would love your help.

Pax et bonum.

LatinByzCath

Wow, someone else on a similar journey. My parents left the Catholic church after my first communion. While in college I attempted to go back but by then it had dramatically changed. I spent 30 years in Protestant churches, then together with my husband we studied Eastern Orthodoxy. I wanted to revert to Roman Catholicism and he wanted to convert to Orthodoxy. When my attempts failed (its impossible when you are a Latin-raised Catholic with Eastern Orthodox sympathies) so he made a compromise and became an Eastern Catholic and I switched rites through marriage.

I also visit the only Latin mass in my diocese, the FSSP parish that’s closest is 4 hrs away. We occasionally attend an Orthodox vigil and a Byzantine Catholic Divine Liturgy.

I have found that discussions here on this topic almost always get deleted because of the war between those who prefer one mass over the other. Yet it is a preference that is allowed by the church. Avoid those who tell you, you have to conform. We do not have to conform. Hence why I visit different masses/Divine liturgies. But you do have to find a home parish. You said you did not like the atmosphere at the FSSP? Can you attend, receive the sacraments and avoid that aspect? Continue to fill your soul/spirit by visiting monasteries, etc. I wish you find peace.