Help with my Family

  • Thread starter Thread starter zebbywebby
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Z

zebbywebby

Guest
My friends all think my parents are ‘emotionally abusive’. I don’t know if that’s the case, but some of them encouraged me to get a few other opinions. I’m going to see my psychologist tomorrow, but I thought to post here, since my family is Catholic as well, and maybe this is a “Catholic” thing I just haven’t heard about.

In my family, kids are “ranked” based off of how well they’re doing/did do in school, how much they weigh (being overweight puts you below other kids), how prestigious their job is, and how much money they make. I’m doing pretty well, so my parents treat me well, but for example, my oldest brother, he did poorly in school (we found out he had dyslexia later, but my parents said it was an excuse and he should have tried harder), he was overweight until a few years ago, and he got laid off from his job, and had to take something that paid a lot less (a data entry position). So now Mom and Dad treat him like a servant. Every time they throw a party, they ‘demand’ that he set it up and clean it up. We took a family vacation recently, and they paid for everyone, but then two weeks before the trip, demanded that he pay for his portion of the trip. They also booked the two girls (my sister and I) in a very nice cabin with a balcony, and they put him, (and a few of my other brothers who are “low ranking”) in a cabin in the center of the ship, four of them in a room about the size of my bathroom.

This whole ranking terminology is theirs, not mine, by the way. I live in this constant state of paranoia that if I mess up on anything, that my family will start treating me like that, as well. And I’m worried that my brother is going to just leave and never come back, because his new girlfriend has been saying that this stuff “isn’t right”. I’m worried she’s going to take him away from us.

Am I blowing this out of proportion? Should I just keep my mouth shut? Are my friends just causing drama? Or should I do or say something? I really don’t know, and it’s really confusing. My parents have always told us we should be happy that they’re still together, because so many children have divorced parents, but I see my friends, who’s parents are divorced, and they seem a lot happier than we are.
 
zebbywebby said:
Am I blowing this out of proportion?
Click to expand...
No
Should I just keep my mouth shut? Are my friends just causing drama?
Click to expand...
How old are you, your brothers/sisters and friends? Your friends may be causing drama, but it sounds like they have a good reason.
Or should I do or say something? I really don’t know, and it’s really confusing. My parents have always told us we should be happy that they’re still together, because so many children have divorced parents, but I see my friends, who’s parents are divorced, and they seem a lot happier than we are.
Click to expand...
I have never heard of anyone running a family this way.

Yes, you should talk to someone.

No, this is not normal.
 
maryjk said:
NoHow old are you, your brothers/sisters and friends? Your friends may be causing drama, but it sounds like they have a good reason.
Click to expand...
I’m 19, I just finished my first year of college. My siblings range in age from 25 to 16. My friends are around my age.
 
Hoo boy am I glad you are taking this to your therapist…and, NO…this is not normal and NO this is not a CATHOLIC THING.

ACK!

God love you, you are in my prayers.
 
My prayers for you! Being a former ‘black sheep’ of the family, my heart goes out to you and your sibs.

I tell my kids that they are all tied for first and last place!
 
There are some pretty insane family-related things that are posted on this forum. But if this is legit, then I daresay it’s very high on the list.
 
This sounds absolutely ridiculous. Ranking children based on weight and money?! Common sense would tell anyone that your parents are just planting seeds for emotional problems and self-esteem issues. Your poor oldest brother; I sincerely hope he is getting some help if he has any lasting self-image problems. I try not to pass too much judgement, but your family sounds like it has some really disordered views. I would never have wanted to grow up in such a controlled environment like that. I always naturally pushed myself, and I’m doing well in life now, but if I would have had that kind of pressure, I doubt I would have made it.

If you’re 19, you can at least get out on your own now, but I doubt you’re in a position to offer a lot of emotional or financial help to your younger siblings, but it does not sound at all like a healthy environment. I’m not even sure what to tell you to do about this. As long as everyone is being provided food, shelter, and proper care, I don’t know if the law can do anything for emotional abuse like this. But I would definitely call it some form of emotional abuse, especially if you have any overweight or less intelligent siblings who are being ridiculed by parents.

If you see any of your siblings really suffering in this environment, I think you would be wise to report this. If the law can’t do anything, another adult might be able to help. Maybe someone can talk some sense into your parents. I don’t know. I hope someone here can offer better advice. And this is most assuredly not a Catholic thing. It sounds like one (or both) of your parents has a controlling and perhaps narcissistic personality that causes a need for perfection. You should feel like your family loves you for who you are.

I am really sorry that you’ve had to go through this. My best friend’s dad had a controlling personality disorder, and she also lived in fear of getting a bad grade or not being the best at a sport or competition. She moved halfway across the country when she finally could, and years later I still see some of the damage that his personality did. My friend is extremely smart, kind, and beautiful inside and out, and whenever I see the damage that her dad did, I just want to keep it from happening to others.
 
Not sure if that falls under the emotionally abusive category, but to treat someone like a servant just because of the reasons you listed seems pretty disrespectful. 😦 Not to mention, children should not be “ranked” ~~ they should all be loved and respected and cherished equally.
 
My husband grew up as the “target” child for abuse in his family and he carries the emotional scars from it, half a century later. Your brother’s girlfriend is correct, his treatment by your parents is not right and he needs to cut all contact with his abusers and find a good therapist. Just a thought, but I am wondering if he does leave for good, will they pick one of the remaining siblings to mistreat in his place?
 
Catholic1954 said:
Your brother’s girlfriend is correct, his treatment by your parents is not right and he needs to cut all contact with his abusers and find a good therapist. Just a thought, but I am wondering if he does leave for good, will they pick one of the remaining siblings to mistreat in his place?
Click to expand...
I totally agree with this.Your parents have a bizarre, unhealthy system going, which is damaging to their children. There is probably not much you can say to change their behavior at this point, unless you see some actual physical abuse or serious consequences, like suicidal ideation in your siblings. But you can support your younger brothers/sisters in realizing they are valuable not based on their achievements, and get yourself out from under such an unhealthy situation.
 
If this is a legit post, this falls under phsycological abuse. This is one of the most awful things I have heard about in a looooong time! I will pray for your family.
 
Yes, I live in Chicago.

Thank you all for putting my fears into focus, and telling me that it’s not all in my head.

I’m not really sure what to do. I can’t afford college without my parents help, but I can’t get their help unless I play this game. 😦
 
zebbywebby said:
I’m not really sure what to do. I can’t afford college without my parents help, but I can’t get their help unless I play this game. 😦
Click to expand...
Then you play their game until you are capable of supporting yourself and moving away. I’m sorry you have to live like this. Just never forget that God loves you unconditionally and that He will help you in this mess.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top