Help with my mom

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scanj05

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Hello to all I am hoping I can get some help. I am newly Catholic one year, I was raised Mormon my mother is a devote Mormon. I did not have a good childhood, physical,sexual, and verbal abuse from both her and my ex step father. My mother is very controlling and is very irrate that I am Catholic. My mother hates my husband and is not shy about saying it in front of people and in front of our four children.

I have a brother which has alays been a favorite of my mom’s. My brother’s wife had twins eight months ago, and my mom will always send them holidays card and gifts. My youngest child just turn one on 07/02/07. My mother will not be coming to her birthday party ( she lives in portland Oregon) but she has said how much she can not wait to go to the twins birthday party in Sept. I am very upset with this she never goes to anything with my children. For the past three years she will tell my older two children that she will take them camping and then three days before they are to go she calls and says I am not going.

Another situation happen last sunday my brother was over and he was sticking his fingers down my two year old sons throat trying to make his throw up, my son bite him and my brother slap him across the face, needless to say I was yelling at my brother how could you do this to a two year old. Well that does end there.
My oldest daugther has a history of mirgraines and was laying down and my brother wanted her to move because he wanted to sit where she was sitting, and he slapped her and he slapped her so hard that his hand print was in printed on her leg for four hours. My children don’t want to see there uncle they are scared by him, he says he doesn’t know if he will be coming to my daugthers bday party on 07/14.

I have prayed and I have talked to people in this regards I don’t know what to do. Some people says I need to drop the ties with my mom because of all the verbal abuse and also because of my brother. My children and so afaraid my daugther told me that if her uncle comes to the babies birthday party then she is going to stay in her room the whole day. I know i am to obey my mother but I just can not take it anymore. My mother kept me away from my biological father until this year I have found him, she would tell me he did not want anything to do with me, when in fact he would call and my mom would tell him I was not home I am 27 years old have a wonderful life unless my mom is around.
If anyone can suggest anything pleae help
One priest I spoke to told me to stop talking to her because it is causing to much pain in my house

God bless you all
sorry so long
 
You need to cut ties with these family members. The day one of my family members slapped my child would be the last day they set foot in my house. You need to protect your children from these unhealthy people.
I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Cut ties. Cut ties now.

I too have some serious problems with my mom. I asked my priest if I was wrong to cut ties as I shoudl respect my mother and father as part of the commandments. His response was

“Jesus wants you to have respect for those who deserve some. Jesus does NOT want you to be stupid. If you are still being abused as an adult, to stay would be foolish.”

I am not calling you stupid. Sometimes it’s harder to leave the abusive parent because in your heart you will want to try and fix things. But you CAN’T fix them past what you ahve already tried.

Also, just for the sake of it, throw it out there that you are going to call the police on your brother for slapping your children. That’ll help make them stay away.

I’m sorry my prayers are with you.

(Can I just add that since having my mom out of my life - nearly two years now – has been the BEST thing I have done for myself or my family?)
 
scanj05 said:
I don’t know what to do.
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You don’t know what to do?

Your mother sexually and physically abused you and you allow her in your house and around your children? Your brother physically abused your child and you allow him in your house?

Why have you not cut ALL contact with them?

That is the right thing to do to protect yourself and your children.
scanj05 said:
I know i am to obey my mother but I just can not take it anymore.
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I don’t understand where you’ve gotten this idea. You are an adult. You do not need to “obey” her in any way. I believe you have a misunderstanding regarding the 4th commandment of honoring our parents.

Parents are to be respected– but NOT if they are transgressing the moral law or are dangerous to you and your family. Your mother is doing/has done both.

Take your priest’s advice and stop contact with these people. Get some counseling for yourself.
 
Your job as a parent is to protect your children. God gave you a wonderful gift in them and don’t you let anyone hurt them.

Have your brother-if you can’t- tell your brother that he is not welcome in your house due to his abuse of your kids. Continue to send his children cards and presents so that they aren’t punished by their father’s abusive behavior. After all, if he will act this way with children who aren’t his, how is he going to treat his own? Its too bad that you didn’t immediately call the cops and have the marks on your daughter documented.

As for your mom, it can be very hard to break the ties. I would set down some ground rules. First don’t visit at her home. She gets more power on her own turf. Second when she is in your home tell her to leave as soon as she says anything disrespectful. If you want to give her a warning first, then do so, but don’t let her talk nasty about your husband or kids.

Of course, these rules might make your mom cut ties with you, but that might be a blessing in disguise.

I came to the point that I felt like I could best honor my mom by staying away from her. When I was with her, I just grew hurt and angry. When I broke ties with her, I could at least pray sincerely and without rancor for her.
 
You owe to your children to protect them.

Your family is harmful to them.

For their sake cut all ties.

Your children should not be in fear. I think if my brother hit my children stuck his fingers down their throat I would charge him with battery. They should not have to experience such abuse forbid him from coming to the house your children need to be protected.
 
obeying your mother has nothing to do with subjecting your children to violence. Your primary job is to protect them. Your house, your rules.
And sorry, but brother would no longer be welcome in my home. He’s lucky you didn’t call 911 for domestic violence.
You can honor your mother by praying for her, by forgiving her (from afar). Whatever demons she is facing that causes her to act this way…pray. But you do not have to live with her abuse, and you do not have to let the cycle continue by unleashing them on your children.
Don’t set your children up for disappointment. Don’t make plans with them. If she calls and wants to plan something with the kids, simply say, “I’m sorry, they won’t be available” It doesn’t matter what else they do. They can be staying home boiling water for all she knows, they are not available to her
I know its hard watching your brother’s children get the royal grandma treatment. But the price is too high for you to keep trying to have your children get their fair share.
 
I am so sorry for your problems… Sometimes parents can really do a number on us. I don’t think you have anything to apologize for or to be in a position to have to put up with that kind of irrational behavior. Yes, of course it hurts when Grandma has favorites. The sad part is that she does not know what she is missing.

You do not have to put up with this in your own home. Very quietly, but very firmly, let mother know you will not have rude and uncharitable things said about your husband or any other member of your family. If she is not willing to abide by your rules in your home, better to cut ties now. I know this is not at all easy. Been there, done that. But your first priority is your husband and your children. What your brother did to them is plain child abuse, and if he were my brother, he would not be welcome in my home again.

I know this is harsh, but just know that I will pray for you. Do not feel bad for putting your family, and yourself first. May God bless you and may God help your mother and brother.
 
We grew up thinking the Commandment to Honour our parents was directed at children. It was, but also a command that adult children look after their parents in their old age (no Social Security back then).

When we marry we leave our parents and cleave to our spouse. The family, through the husband and wife have a Covenant with God. Your duty is to honour your husband and protect the Family Unit.

Pray for your mother and brother every day, have Masses offered for them, but sever all ties with these abusive relatives.

If your brother doesn’t stay away, have him served with a restraining order to keep away.
 
I would call my brother and let him know he is no longer welcome in my home. NO ONE HURTS MY KIDS!!! That goes for your mom too. She has spent a lifetime abusing people and she isn’t going to change her stripes all at once. Do not let her have access to your family. My husband had a mom who was dangerous to our family and the best thing he did was protect us from her. You need to seek counceling so that you can recover from your own pain to see clear enough to make healthy decisions for your children. Sorry for the rant but unhealthy family needs to be kept at a distance do not put these people who happen to be related to you above your primary responsibility in this life your children.
 
I feel for your situation, but you have a responsibility to your husband & children ONLY. Being around your mother, brother & step-father is toxic to you & your family. They sound cruel & disfunctional, I would not let them near my children, period. It may sound harsh, but I would sever your ties with them for your well-being & your children’s. I will pray for you.
 
Just where is your husband in all this? Why isn’t he defending his home, wife and children?

One owes a mother honor. The commandment is “Honor you rmother and father” not “Obey your mother and father”. Children under the age of 18, or those receiving the benefit of parents’ money and house, honor them by obeying them. Adult children who are well over 18, married and have children of their own honor parents insofar as the parent will allow honor. Yours has not shown that she wants to be honored. She only shows that she allowed you to be irreparably hurt as a child, and has no qualms about hurting your husband and children. Child or adult, one is never called to follow a parent into sin. Your mother seems to revel in sin.

Your priest told you mom is causing you problems. Your brother comes into your home and slaps your children. You mention sexual, physical and verbal abuse to you as a child.

I would not call them. I would write a letter. And change the locks if you gave either of them a key.

In your brother’s letter, I would state that he is not to drop into my house when it suits him, but to call and see if your family is “available”. Your husband and you choose to be available. You may not want company when he chooses to come trotting over to your house. And I would tell him he is not welcome if he feels he can physically slap your children.

In your mother’s, I would simply state what you have told us here, and that at this point, if she cannot conduct herself politely and without rancor or trying to control the situation, then you do not wish to hear from her or see her.

You should realize when you write these letters, these people are probably out of your life. You should also realize you will get calls and letters from an aunt or uncle asking why you are behaving so strangely. Don’t feel you have to explain to extended family. Send them all happy Christmas cards with a Christmas letter explaining how happy you and your family are.

You should also realize that once you cut off your mother and brother, you should not depend on them for anything at all. Period. Doesn’t matter if there is a major emergency. You make family with your husband’s people, or you create your own family through people you know, people in your parish, etc.

You will also hurt and feel as if you are the worst person in the world. You need to keep seeing your priest or somebody he recommends, to talk this out. You need to squeeze in some face time before the Blessed Sacrament, exposed or not. You need your rosary. You are going to go through a period of mourning for your mother and brother.
 
Limiting connections with your family to monthly or seasonal phone calls or letters rather than visits which might be the healthiest choice for your immediate family if you still want to stay minimally connected to your mother and siblings.

You need to protect your children, husband and yourself from the same abuse you had when you grew up. It wasn’t good than and it certainly is not normal behavior.

Get a spiritual director or make an appt to see a Catholic family counselor, someone who can help you make a decision best for you and your children. Deep in your heart you already have made some decision, you just need someone to validate it.
Pray on it, Pray for your mother and brother. With God all things are possible, and they can one day be helped if they are open to God.

St.Monica might be a good place to start with for intercession.
.
 
I agree with the other posters who have recommended that you not allow brother or mother into your house or around your kids.

People who molest their children may very well move on to molest their grandchildren. As for your brother abusing your kids, never let him have contact with them again. It isn’t safe for your children.

Growing up in an environment of abuse can sometimes make it difficult for the person who was abused to know what is normal behavior for a family and where to set limits.

A good counselor can help with this.
 
i thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your post. These are all things my friends have said I guess it is hard for me to really know I need to do this I have a huge feeling of resposiblity to my family, but after what happen to my children that is no longer.

I again that all of you so much, Keep me in your prayers
God Bless you all

Love crystal

P.S. happy 4th of july
 
scanj05 said:
I did not have a good childhood, physical,sexual, and verbal abuse from both her and my ex step father.
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Why do you allow an abusive mother around your children? Cut ties with her now and your brother, who is abusive as well IMHO.

I will pray for you that you will have the strength to deal with this cross…God Bless!
 
scanj05 said:
Another situation happen last sunday my brother was over and he was sticking his fingers down my two year old sons throat trying to make his throw up, my son bite him and my brother slap him across the face, needless to say I was yelling at my brother how could you do this to a two year old. Well that does end there.
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Call the cops on the brother. You could be doing his kids a favor.

And +1 to what OutinChgoburbs asking where your husband is…I’m surprised that he didn’t knock half the teeth out of your brother.
 
Allowing your mom and brother to visit in your home, knowing the likelihood that they will be abusive in some way, is teaching your children that these abusive behaviors are okay by you – and that your children’s emotional and physical safety aren’t very important to you. You must prioritize your values for the sake of raising your children in a Christian home. Your children’s needs and the needs of your marriage come first – you must pray for the courage and wisdom to stand up to your mother and brother.

In addition to seeking counseling for yourself, I’d also like to suggest that you help your older daughter to heal from her anxieties, hurts, anger and confusion in the damaged relationship she’s had with her uncle and grandma. Encourage her to talk with you (don’t judge or correct her, just listen) – or seek counseling for her. She needs to know that she is ALWAYS entitled to respect – especially from her family. She needs to hear from you that the abusive treatment was wrong – and that you’re going to do all you can to to prevent it from happening again. Ask her if you can hug her.

And kiss and hug your husband now – ask him to help you figure out how to deal with this situation. Ask him to pray with you.

May you find our Lord’s merciful healing for yourself from your abuse.
 
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