Help with my mother

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heart4truth

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My mother sends cards and gifts to her kids and grandchildren, the most recent being Valentine’s Day. She has been keeping track of which ones say thank you and how often. Last year she confided in me that she wasn’t going to send anything to the gc that hadn’t said thanks for the previous card/cash and would wait for them to notice the lack of a birthday present. Sometimes she will not answer her phone when we try to call to say thanks. 4 days after St. V Day she posted a message on facebook hinting that she was upset with the gc’s and reminding them that Easter was coming. The message I think she was trying to give was “I sent you $20 for V Day and if you don’t respond, you’re not getting $20 for Easter.” She used to demand hand-written thank you notes in order for the thanks to “count.”
I’ve asked her to please tell me outright if she is ever upset with me or my kids. It’s hard trying to figure out when she’s mad, what she’s mad about. She also “sets up” her friends and other family members. I think this is passive-aggressive behavior. When I asked about the fb message, she said she wasn’t mad and hung up.
My husband behaves this way, too, so I really need a lot of prayer and any help anyone can offer. My support network isn’t very friendly or supportive.
any suggestions on how to handle a personality like this?
 
You sound frustrated but to be honest I’m not sure I see a big issue here. It’s entirely reasonable that she should receive thanks for the gifts. Perhaps she uses this as some sort of passive-aggressive attention seeking, but it does not change the fact that she is correct in expecting thanks.

Perhaps you could just explain to your children that it’s appropriate for them to thank gran for any gift they receive from her, and that if they neglect to thank her she may stop giving them. This is good manners and common sense, regardless of whether your mother is playing some sort of game in it all. And then if you and your children feel it’s a game and don’t want to play, you can opt out and not receive her gifts anymore.
 
I have something very similar in my family. It sounds very reasonable to expect a thank-you card, but I think I understand the underlying frustration you have. My relative assigns imaginary “points” to people also. If I don’t send a thank you, she would never think to call and ask what was going on, or if I was overwhelmed, or anything; she would assume I was ungrateful when really I was just struggling to make it through the day with post-partum, babies, etc. Another “rule” is we have to call on Sunday. Well, I used to call all the time–multiple times a week to share stories, tell funny tales about the kids, etc. We would talk for an hour and a half on Friday and I would have nothing else to say come Sunday morning, so I wouldn’t call until Monday when I had a story. I was not purposefully ignoring her on Sun–it was just because I was in the habit of always picking up the phone the moment I thought of something to share. Well, I always play by her rules, so I started calling on Sunday, but I’d have nothing to say. So I stopped calling during the weekdays, so I could “save up” some stories for Sunday. Eventually, I stopped mentally “saving” stories for her. Now we just have an obligatory “hello” phone call after church each week. She has no idea that by shoving me in such a tightly defined box (defined by her and her alone), she really damaged our relationship.

If you are like me, it’s not that expecting a thank you card is unreasonable, it is the silent score-keeping and solo rule making. Personally, I play by the rules and I tell everyone else to do so also. The demands are not unreasonable, they are just relationship straining. If I love her I will: write thank you’s, call on Sunday, talk about these subjects, refrain from talking about those subjects, be more bubbly (seriously), celebrate her birthday in _____ manner, etc. It makes me very sad that our relationship has become a series of one-sided requirements–it does not feel organic.
😦
 
While expressing gratitude for someone giving a gift is ALWAYS in good taste (and good manners that every child should know and use!), reading your post makes me wonder why your mother is sending these gifts. Is it because she is doing it out of the kindness of her heart for her grandchildren, or is she doing it as a sort of manipulative gesture where she dotes on the grandkids who say thanks while always holding the threat of not sending gifts to the other ones? My mother used to send birthday cards with cash in them to her two nephews every single year from the time they were tiny up until last year (the oldest is 33) – she never received one single thank-you for it. She just chalked it up to them having no manners but she wasn’t doing it to get the recognition for it, so she kept sending them anyway. The only reason she didn’t do it this year was because financially, she wasn’t able to.

If the your children have tried to call and thank her for their gifts and she doesn’t answer her phone, that kind of makes me feel like this is just some sort of odd passive-aggressive act on her part. I will pray that everything will work itself out!
 
Yes, thank you’s are appropriate. The reason she confided in me before was because my kids do say thanks. While we appreciate the gifts, that’s not why we value her. I’d be fine without the gifts.
Having seen throughout the years how she sets others up, I’ve finally seen that she’s been doing it to me and my family all along. If we call many times and she doesn’t answer, though her cell is always on and with her, we’ll leave a voice mail. She’ll then say she didn’t get the message. I think she has SO much leisure time that she won’t accept that we are in the “thick” of life, raising families, taking exams, etc and so she expects immediate responses.
I’ve arrived at the point in my life where I feel I have to place the boundaries and say, “no, I won’t play that game,” but I know it may cost the relationship. She WILL withdraw all support if I don’t go along with her. I’ve seen her do it to many friends and her siblings. I don’t want my kids subjected to her control issues. They love her but are becoming aware of and hurt by her tactics.
I wish I could let it not hurt me so much.
 
prayers to our Holy Mother, Mary for your mother, your family and for you!
 
I am so sorry to hear you are having difficulties with your mom. It sounds to me like she is playing games. I just recently learned my mother is narcasistic (hardest people to love are the ones who need it most is what I keep telling myself) and she has played head games like that with me an my family all my life and she always found a way to make it appear like it was someone elses fault when in reality it wasn’t. Sounds like your mom is very similar, they make it so subltle that it makes it almost impossible for other people to be able to tell what is going on and if you bring her up on it, she gets weird.

What I did was learn to deal with her in a new way, I wouldn’t play into her little games anymore. When I suspect she is up to her old tricks I avoid her and often remind myself that it is not me who has the problem anymore, it is her. Boundaries are a very important thing to set and keep even if it means walking away.

Sure, ty notes are polite but if the gift comes with so many strings attached maybe you and your children don’t need those gifts. There is nothing wrong with a verbal thank you, and it can’t be given if you can’t get in touch with her so I can see your frustration in that.

I understand what you’re going through when it comes to difficult moms so I hope this helps in some way. Good luck and my prayers are with you and your family.
 
heart4truth said:
I’ve arrived at the point in my life where I feel I have to place the boundaries and say, “no, I won’t play that game,” but I know it may cost the relationship. She WILL withdraw all support if I don’t go along with her. I’ve seen her do it to many friends and her siblings. I don’t want my kids subjected to her control issues. They love her but are becoming aware of and hurt by her tactics.
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Hopefully you can reach a middle ground without bluntly declaring that you wont play her games. Such a forceful accusation may well end the relationship, especially if she doesn’t even see that it is a game (passive-aggressive games like this are often undertaken subconsciously). But I think you can, and at some point perhaps should, stand up for your kids by explaining that it is hard sometimes for them to thank her in the way she expects. This generation of kids/teens/young-adults communicate in different ways and a written thank you card is a very foreign thing to them. Perhaps you can discuss with her and reach a middle ground where if they can’t directly contact her by phone then a phone message, SMS, or even facebook message is considered an appropriate acknowledgement?
 
thanks SJ2 and Delaine35! I appreciate your prayers.
It really helps just to hear someone else understands! She’s definitely a score-keeper, though she’ll insist she isn’t!
I so want a close relationship with my mom. We used to talk everyday, as soon as the kids did something funny or if they were wearing an outfit she sent for them. We’d talk for an hour! I realized, though, especially when times were tough, I was the one doing all the calling. She never called to offer a hand, or to see if everything was okay. Actually, if she knows someone might NEED her help, she won’t answer the phone or she’ll quickly make “other plans” or she’ll have an appointment to get her nails done.
Yes, sometimes it seems best to play by her “rules,” but other times I just don’t have the emotional,or physical, energy to deal with it. My health and marriage have been falling apart so I really feel the absence of her support.
Christ got me through this day, though. I suppose He’ll carry me tomorrow, too. And I’ll try to reflect on all the good she brings to our lives.
 
Although I think sending thank you cards is the right thing to do, I find it odd that one has to be sent to your mom in order for the “thanks to count”. Usually I do send cards, but to the people I am the closest to, I like to pick up the phone, hear their voice and thank them in person. It sounds like your kids are making an effort to do just that, and yet she’s going to withhold a gift and “wait to see if they notice.” Of course they’ll notice, and I’m sure they’ll be very hurt. Gifts are meant to be given from the heart, not as tools to manipulate the person receiving them. The only advice I have for you is to prep your child in advance to kindly tell her, “That’s okay Gram! Your presence is a better present than anything else in the world.” Have him/her wrap her in a big bear hug. Not only does your mother get to see unconditional love in action, but it is a great lesson for our kids as well.
 
She also “sets up” her friends and other family members. I think this is passive-aggressive behavior. When I asked about the fb message, she said she wasn’t mad and hung up.
My husband behaves this way, too, so I really need a lot of prayer and any help anyone can offer. My support network isn’t very friendly or supportive.
any suggestions on how to handle a personality like this?
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So precious one, your heart must hurt and feeling so bruise. Yes it is clear that her way of giving isn’t from unconditional love. Sometime, we have to become the parent for our own parent and be the one to express unconditional love. I would talk with God and let him know how you feel and then ask him to grant you with peace, grace and a more loving heart.

You will have to grieve the desire to have this type of love from your husband and mother, but remember that you already have that from God and Mother Mary. They are your true parent anyway.

What i would do next, i would simply send those notes to your mother and to let her know of not worrying about sending money to the children, you will take care of this. Let her know that you love her and to please not to count turn.

I would talk with your children that it is important for your mother to receive a hand written note. She is old and she doesn’t understand that saying thank you with word is enough.

If you put yourself in the shoes of your mother, she is probably alone and her joy is to have mail. It seems to be like it sparkle her day to have those cards.

Pray for her and ask Mother Mary to help.

All will be well. Jesus did all the work when he put up with so much humiliation, all we need to do, is to put our pride aside and focus on loving anyway. It might appear hard but if you think about it, it is far easier then doing Jesus passion.

Love, peace and blessings to you and your family!
 
heart4truth said:
My mother sends cards and gifts to her kids and grandchildren, the most recent being Valentine’s Day. She has been keeping track of which ones say thank you and how often. Last year she confided in me that she wasn’t going to send anything to the gc that hadn’t said thanks for the previous card/cash and would wait for them to notice the lack of a birthday present. Sometimes she will not answer her phone when we try to call to say thanks. 4 days after St. V Day she posted a message on facebook hinting that she was upset with the gc’s and reminding them that Easter was coming. The message I think she was trying to give was “I sent you $20 for V Day and if you don’t respond, you’re not getting $20 for Easter.” She used to demand hand-written thank you notes in order for the thanks to “count.”
I’ve asked her to please tell me outright if she is ever upset with me or my kids. It’s hard trying to figure out when she’s mad, what she’s mad about. She also “sets up” her friends and other family members. I think this is passive-aggressive behavior. When I asked about the fb message, she said she wasn’t mad and hung up.
My husband behaves this way, too, so I really need a lot of prayer and any help anyone can offer. My support network isn’t very friendly or supportive.
any suggestions on how to handle a personality like this?
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Why play this game at all? Drop the rope…stop playing tug of war with her. If you dont’ play, she will have to play with someone else. If she doesn’t speak up, then leave her alone. Say thank you when she is kind to you because YOU are doing the right thing, not because she expects it. If she doesn’t answer her phone, send her a thank you card in the mail because you want to show your appreciation for her kindness, not becuase it is expected of you.

Is the $20 really worth the aggravation?

Gifts should be given from the heart; not with conditions attached. Tell her that if she can’t give out of the kindness of her heart, to not give at all.

Honestly…this is not a game.
 
I am a firm believer in written thank you notes. It only takes a few minutes and it’s not expensive.

A call on the phone or an email is ok for some, but you can’t hold it and you can’t read it again later and it just isn’t as precious as a hand written note, esp. from a grand child.

I also agree with the others, that your Mom is keeping score. My mom was much the same way, just send the thank yous and let her keep score if she wants, not much you can do about that, you kind of have to accept that it is the way she is, and there’s not a lot you can do to change her behavior.

Good luck.
 
Wow! I got an apology! I don’t think she’s ever said she’s sorry. Thanks for the prayers.
Oh, and I had to chuckle about grandma being old/lonely. She’s mid-sixties and recently drove across the country by herself. But that’s a good point to remember as I’m sure she does have days of feeling unappreciated or forgotten. 🙂
 
heart4truth said:
Wow! I got an apology! I don’t think she’s ever said she’s sorry. Thanks for the prayers.
Oh, and I had to chuckle about grandma being old/lonely. She’s mid-sixties and recently drove across the country by herself. But that’s a good point to remember as I’m sure she does have days of feeling unappreciated or forgotten. 🙂
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I find people get “wierder” with age.
 
heart4truth said:
My mother sends cards and gifts to her kids and grandchildren, the most recent being Valentine’s Day. She has been keeping track of which ones say thank you and how often. Last year she confided in me that she wasn’t going to send anything to the gc that hadn’t said thanks for the previous card/cash and would wait for them to notice the lack of a birthday present. Sometimes she will not answer her phone when we try to call to say thanks. 4 days after St. V Day she posted a message on facebook hinting that she was upset with the gc’s and reminding them that Easter was coming. The message I think she was trying to give was “I sent you $20 for V Day and if you don’t respond, you’re not getting $20 for Easter.” She used to demand hand-written thank you notes in order for the thanks to “count.”
I’ve asked her to please tell me outright if she is ever upset with me or my kids. It’s hard trying to figure out when she’s mad, what she’s mad about. She also “sets up” her friends and other family members. I think this is passive-aggressive behavior. When I asked about the fb message, she said she wasn’t mad and hung up.
My husband behaves this way, too, so I really need a lot of prayer and any help anyone can offer. My support network isn’t very friendly or supportive.
any suggestions on how to handle a personality like this?
Click to expand...
I agree that your children should be thankful for the gift. I just do not agree with the way their grandmother is acting. I would suggest you always make sure your children call their grandmother or send her a thank you note letting her know how much they appreciate the gift and that they love her. It is definitely a good thing for them to learn. In this way you are teaching them to be grateful and then she will appreciate that she is being thanked. Hopefully this will help. I will pray for your family!

Kerri 🙂
 
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